<p>So basically, I came across writing this amazing essay one day. I will give you a prize if you give it a grade from 0-12. It will be the most worthwhile 3 minutes you have spent reading an essay. (Could you simply please grade it for me…) Thank you for your time and opinion :)</p>
<p>Topic: Change and Courage</p>
<p>When the intrepid women of the antebellum America equal rights movement challenged societal standard by fighting for the equal treatment of women and African Americans, they epitomized what it truly means to have courage; they sought to bring about a change that would affect the lives of many. I believe that dauntless courage can result in tremendous change. In the novel The Fountainhead and in the Womens Rights Movement, we are presented with examples of how brave actions can bring about change. </p>
<p>Literature provides copious amounts of examples of change as a result of infallible courage, such as in Ayn Rands famous masterpiece The Fountainhead. Aspiring architect and protagonist Howard Roark is a special architect whose unique style of architecture is viewed as vulgar by many, as compared to the work of Peter Keating, Roarks fellow classmate who is the symbol of hackneyed architecture. Early in his career, Roark is advised by many distinguished architects to put his aesthetic prowess to use in the right direction, in contrast to becoming an avant-garde. Roark inexorably refuses to comply with their wishes and is consequently denounced in the media and scoffed at by society. His resolute determination to pride himself over his creative style reveals his ardor and zeal to do what he loves regardless of the obstacles in his path. By the end of his career, Roark has left an indelible mark on architecture. Through self-confidence and undeniable courage, he has changed societys view of what is proper and acceptable in the field of architecture. </p>
<p>In addition to a literary example, a historical reference that intertwines with the idea of change as a result of courage is when the Seneca Falls Convention took place in the summer of 1848. A group of women, led by Lecretia Coffin Mott and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, came together to consider a Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions that focused on womens rights. As a collective entity, the women were revolutionaries who represented and voiced the opinions of their fellow sisters. With its humble roots in Seneca Falls in 1848, the Feminist Movement snowballed in the upcoming decades, finally garnering national political acclaim in 1920 when the 19th Amendment was ratified granting women the right to vote. The Womens Rights Movement justifies the claim that voluminous change can occur through indomitable courage. </p>
<p>Howard Roark and the women of the Feminist are one in the same. They exemplify what it truly means to stand firmly by ones ideals to bring about a groundbreaking change. Dauntlessly fighting for what they believed to be just, they changed the views of society forever.</p>
<p>LMAO “Howard Roark and the women of the Feminist are one in the same”</p>
<p>Comparing anything from ayn rand to liberal social reform?
The similarities can only be superficial…and they are, in your paper. whatever i won’t criticize content…</p>
<p>never say stuff like “In addition to a literary example, a historical reference”
basically this whole thing was way too verbose. you used too many big words (used inexorably wrong, too) and you’re not supposed to even say things like that quotation i just pointed out</p>
<p>sorry for the disrespect. you have a lot of potential…you’re just trying way too hard.</p>
<p>Here is a case where you’ve killed the piece through your usage of diction. In my opinion word choice is extremely weak. You may have used many excellent vocabulary terms but the fact is, if you use term after term without paying attention to the subtle connotations they have, then you’ve not really chosen your words well. It’s equivalent to pulling out a dictionary or a thesaurus and randomly inserting complicated words where other, simpler, versions would have worked just as well (or even better).</p>
<p>Also, your essay’s flow is not there. In my opinion, you need to link the ideas together more clearly. The essay is on Courage and Change, but what is the point you’re trying to make through your examples? You need to make sure that the examples come clean and that they all lead the reader to the same point. There are also barely any proper transitions (the only transition I found is in the beginning of paragraph 3).</p>
<p>Paragraph 2 focuses too much on narrating rather than on your point. The examiner doesn’t want you to tell them the story, they just want the main idea and the rest should be your reflections or argument.</p>
<p>You also need work on your synctactical structure. Sentence lengths need to be varied: they can’t all be long sentences. It’s poor usage of structure to do so, and overall takes away from the essay.</p>
<p>Other improvements…Hm. You could attempt to simplify entire sentences. Earlier I mentioned how you can replace words with simpler terms that will fit better, but now I’m talking about the entire phrase. Don’t make something too long-winded. The examiner will just get bored after reading a while and will soon lose track of what you’re trying to tell them.</p>
<p>Overall it was not-bad an essay. I didn’t give any specific examples from your essay to fit into my analysis of it, but that’s because it’s 11:30pm and I’m kinda in a hurry to go to bed. :P</p>
<p>Edit: Oh. And I just realized it’s not yours. But anyway, that’s what whoever wrote it needs to work on.</p>
<p>The more you back up your essay with specific details, the stronger your argument is. I’d say start off with an opening, state your thesis, and list your THREE examples rather than two, and then dedicate a paragragh to each, resulting in five paragraphs including the intro and conclusion. </p>
<p>I dunno, it’s just the standard way. The SAT essay is not like the AP essays. It’s easier. Don’t think too hard, and throw in some stats or something. (psst…you can bull-stuff the essay. Let’s just say that the graders indeed have like three minutes per essay and they’re not going to spend those three minutes running to the encyclopedia… ;))</p>
<p>Okay realize that the SAT graders ARE looking for style, proper grammar usage, NOT checking whether stated info. are true or false. I give it a 12. Good job.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone! I am honored to be critiqued by academes like you all. Any more opinions though…anyone else in the whole wide world is welcome to put in their appreciated advice and input…</p>