WP: Six Ways to be Happy with your College Choice

SpringfieldMom · April 23, 2007, 2:20pm

By Jay Mathews
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, October 5, 2004; 9:38 AM 

Like many parents, I have spent the past several years trying to figure out why so many of us and our children fret over getting into college when there is, at least in the United States, a surplus of good schools to choose from. It’s like being handed tickets to the Super Bowl and, instead of enjoying the game, worrying that the seats might not be close enough to the 50-yard line. 

It never occurred to me that this contrary reaction to our collegiate riches was a metaphor for the poisonous nature of choice in modern life. But I have just read a little book, “The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less” by Barry Schwartz, that argues this thesis very convincingly. One insight in particular threw my congenitally upbeat, everything-is-getting-better world view seriously off-balance. 

In the 1960s, Schwartz explains, psychologist Martin Seligman developed the concept of “learned helplessness” while experimenting with animals. When mice learned that they could not control a situation – that, for instance, nothing they did to get over a small barrier prevented receiving an electric shock – their motivation decreased, they became subdued, their immune system broke down and they began to lose the ability to detect future situations that they COULD control. 

Feelings of helplessness among Americans, Schwartz hypothesizes, should be, by that argument, declining since we have so much more control over so many more choices these days. But a series of Louis Harris polls shows otherwise. The portion of people saying “what I think doesn’t matter any more” increased from 36 percent in 1966 to 60 percent in 1986. 

And when researchers measured satisfaction with life in various countries, they found that once a country reached a certain level of per capital wealth, the level of happiness of its residents was not affected by increased affluence and added choices in life. Per capita income in the United States has doubled in the past 40 years, for instance. The percentage of homes with air-conditioning has gone from 15 to 73 percent, with clothes dryers from 20 to 70 percent. We have more of everything, including more money to send more of our children to college, even to schools that charge $40,000 a year. But the surveys show no increase in happiness, on average, over that time. 

And as any parent knows, we are much more anxious about the college admissions process than we ever were before. 

That is the paradox of choice. Schwartz’s 265-page exploration of this theme, published several months ago, qualifies as the latest selection of my Better Late Than Never Book Club. As usual, it took me awhile to hear about this book, and even longer to read it. But it was worth the wait. 

Schwartz is Dorwin Cartwright Professor of Social Theory and Social Action at Swarthmore College, and he knows something about selective schools. He describes the difficulties faced by the bright young people who agonize over where to go to school, and what to do once they get there. Swarthmore “attracts some of the most talented young people in the world,” he says. “Unconstrained by limitations of talent, the world is open to them. Do they exult in this opportunity? Not most of the ones I talk to. Instead, they agonize: Between making money and doing something of social value. Between challenging their intellects and exercising their creative impulses. Between work that demands single-mindedness and work that will enable them to live balanced lives.” 

The wisdom of their choice of college or major or career has less to do with the objective results than with their subjective experiences. “What matters to us most of the time, I think, is how we feel about the decisions we make,” he says. “I have interacted with college students for many years as a professor, and in my experience, students who think they’re in the right place get far more out of a particular school than students who don’t. Conviction that they have found a good fit makes students more confident, more open to experience, and more attentive to opportunities.” 

It is relationships with other people that seem to be the key to happiness, the research shows, but Schwartz points out that good marriages and friendships reduce choice, since one has to think of what other people want. 

So how do we deal with a world that gives us more choices than we can handle? Schwartz has many suggestions, which I have whittled down to the six I think work best for me. Read the book to find more. It is important to remember that we are all going to have bad moments with some choices, but there are healthy habits of mind to get us through: 

 1. Listen to your viscera – Feelings matter more than facts, and an unexamined emotional response is often a better guide to our long-term needs than careful analysis of our thoughts. Schwartz cites a study in which college students were asked to evaluate posters for their dorm rooms. Some were asked to write down their feelings about the posters. Some were not. And then both groups were told they could take home the posters they preferred. Those who analyzed their thinking before making their choice were less happy with their posters weeks later than those who went with their instincts. 

 2. Count your blessings – Schwartz says gratitude has been proven scientifically so powerful in enhancing happiness that people should write in a bedside notebook each day five things that happened for which they were grateful. 

 3. Satisfice – Your spellchecker, like mine, may complain about that word. Schwartz uses it as a verb, as in, “You need to satisfice more,” and it does not appear in my dictionary. But it is the key to the book. “To satisfice,” Schwartz says, “is to settle for something that is good enough and not worry about the possibility that there might be something better.” This is hard for many of us to do, but there are ways to pull it off. Try thinking of all the time you waste figuring out which long distance service is best when you could be soaking in a nice hot tub. That is satisficing. 

 4. Regret less – My favorite mental exercise, when wondering if I was right to have made a certain choice, is to concede that if I had taken the alternate road, I might have been hit by a bus. Schwartz endorses this vehicular approach to mental health. 

 5. Anticipate adaptation – Schwartz devotes many pages to the process of adaptation, which he describes this way: “We get used to things, and then we start to take them for granted.” This can ease the pain of bad circumstances, like being a Chicago Cubs fan, but Schwartz is more interested in the way adaptation sucks some of the thrill out of good things, like marrying your sweetheart or winning the lottery. If you recognize that this tendency is going to affect you, you are less likely to misinterpret it as a sign you made the wrong choice. 

 6. Avoid conversations about choice with maximizers – Maximizers are people who obsess over every decision, who don’t know how to satisfice. People who are maximizers can change, if they read Schwartz’s book and adhere to the five rules above. But I think one more rule is useful, even if Schwartz doesn’t mention it. Once you have your feelings under control, it is best to avoid maximizing topics with maximizers, like where to go on vacation or which college will set you up to win a Nobel Prize. Instead, change the subject to matters over which you have little control, but are still fun to talk about. For instance, I think they ought to name our new major league baseball team in Washington the Grays, but I will be happy to hear what you have to say on this important matter.

I thought this article, although written in 2004, was very timely for those who have made a choice and those who haven’t yet.

nunofyurbeesknees · April 23, 2007, 2:28pm

Thanks for posting it!

Lukester · April 23, 2007, 3:19pm

If you are interested in Barry Schwartz and his thoughts on “Choice” check out this link. Very interesting. 
<a href=“http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/93[/url]”>http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/93</a>

mercymom · April 23, 2007, 4:47pm

Wow. I just saw this book on Saturday while waiting for S, a hs jr, to get out of his test at the state literary rally. I almost bought it 'cause we seem to be a family of maximizers and S, my youngest, has the hardest time of any of us at making decisions.

For a related look at this topic you might like to read “Happiness: Lessons from a New Science” by Richard Layard. The author is a British economist who looks at these issues not just from the viewpoint of choice and making decisions, but also from the startling fact that statistics show a marked increase in rates of depression and suicide in the US and other “wealthy” countries since WW2, something most economists predicted would go the other way but didn’t.

One suggestion Layard makes in his book is to first NOT compare yourself to others since people have a tendency always to want what’s better than others instead of focusing on what’s right for them as individuals. But if you must compare, then always compare down instead of up. There is always someone worse off than you, so focus on that and be grateful. Don’t think about what you didn’t get.

A tip I got from a professor at Tulane a hundred years ago is to never look back, always look forward. I was trying to decide about grad school. The prof said go with your gut, then put blinders on and never look back.

Michael Caine said the same thing in an interview. He fought in Korea and saw lots of terrible things. The day he got on the plane back to England was the worst he said, in that he had to watch the guys getting off who were just starting their tour of duty. As those guys filed past him, he decided to not even look at them walking towards the buses to camp; he never looked back that day or any day since.

mathmom · April 23, 2007, 4:49pm

I agree with him so much. Every time some politician tells me how much I want choice in my healthcare or pension system I want to cry. I don’t have a crystal ball, I don’t have the time to make the informed decisions about which plan is best for me. I just end up feeling stressed and uncertain that I’ve done the right thing.

mercymom · April 23, 2007, 5:50pm

Just listened to him lecture. Wonderful. So here’s how to make your school choice. Create a fishbowl of parameters… cost, location, weather, whatever. Limit yourself to 6 schools. Pick the cheapest one you get that fits in the fishbowl.

When my kids were in public school I was the only mother in the GT program who never complained. I figured it was free, so you couldn’t expect perfect and we were doing pretty good for free education. When our school system went nuts by court order and we bailed to private school, I was never happy. It seemed like for all the thousands of dollars I was spending I should be getting perfect, and I wasn’t.

So go with the cheapest school in your fishbowl and it will seem like a bargain and you’ll feel pleasantly surprised all the time. My 2 cents.

carolyn · April 26, 2007, 12:52am

I’m bumping this thread up. There are many people, both students and parents, who could benefit from the wisdom in that article as the clock ticks down to May 1.

I particularly like these two points:

Listen to your viscera – Feelings matter more than facts, and an unexamined emotional response is often a better guide to our long-term needs than careful analysis of our thoughts.

“To satisfice,” Schwartz says, “is to settle for something that is good enough and not worry about the possibility that there might be something better.” This is hard for many of us to do, but there are ways to pull it off. Try thinking of all the time you waste figuring out which long distance service is best when you could be soaking in a nice hot tub. That is satisficing.

To those still struggling, I would add: This is not a life or death choice, and you will face far more important decisions in your life. There are no “perfect” choices, just different ones. EVERY college and university has both good and bad aspects. ,Every path is scary when you first step out on it, but that doesn’t mean you’ve taken the wrong path. So, Take a deep breath, and decide. Believe it will work out as it should. Then enjoy the weekend!

SpringfieldMom · April 26, 2007, 7:57am

I posted this originally after I gave a copy to my D the day before I wanted her final decision. She was in the midst of much anxiety (and she did not sleep a wink that night-and had to miss school the next day) but I think the article really helped her choose the right school for HER and not the any of the other schools her friends and other people (myself included) thought she should attend. I told her once she makes her decision, she should not look back.

With a tear in my eye, I am happy she has finally made her choice.

midmo · April 26, 2007, 10:05am

I agree with Carolyn: accept that none of us can really foresee all of the positive and negative aspects of the various college choices. Choose one, have a good weekend, then start planning to take full advantage of the opportunities available at the chosen school.

My son is, on the surface, an unemotional, rational, intellectual kid. He can be counted on to pick apart an illogical argument offered by his parents about any subject under discussion. I was therefore completely floored at his response when I suggested, two weeks ago, that he sit down and make a list of the differences between his two final choices (the differences are extreme): he derided the notion of making a list, put his hand over his heart and said “this is how I will make my decision”.

I know kids are full of surprises, but that one left me shaking my head. He did make a choice, two days ago, against his long-time dream school. I expect him to make the most of what the surprise choice has to offer.

carolyn · April 26, 2007, 2:02pm

Oh, Midmo, for some reason that story about your son made me teary-eyed. :)

Springfieldmom, Congratulations to your daughter!

And, I think that is part of the process too: When you decide, congratulations are in order, not second-guessing from others.

SportsMama · April 29, 2007, 9:41am

Thanks for this info. As I sit here with a huge knot in my stomch, I am trying to think about practicing those healthy habits of mind. I hope it works because I certainly hate feeling this way–and even more importantly, I don’t want my daughter to feel like this. It should be a happy time.

menloparkmom · April 29, 2007, 1:06pm

Great article. This thread should be one of the “headline topics” at the top of CC’s home page.

giddey_up · April 29, 2007, 2:48pm

I just want to add my thanks for posting this article. This is quite a refreshing perspective.

NJ113 · July 25, 2007, 11:19am

Great article. Thanks for posting. The book is now on my summer reading list.

SpringfieldMom · July 25, 2007, 12:23pm

You’re welcome! Glad someone revived the thread…there might be a few kids out there who still have “buyer’s remorse” now that housing packets are arriving!

drb · July 25, 2007, 12:26pm

I suspect kids are much better at moving on than parents are.

doubleplay · July 25, 2007, 12:32pm

I second that^^^
All the little details seemed so unimportant to moi, compared to the excitement of being independent. Freeeeeedom!!!

JHS · July 25, 2007, 12:45pm

Where I really experienced this was in going from the mid-size provincial city where I grew up to New York City. In Mid-Burg, there weren’t 60 choices for cultural events every night; if we were lucky there was one. Every play, every concert, every lecture I attended seemed special, exciting. In New York, choosing to do A was also choosing not to do B-Z (and A was usually so expensive that choosing that precluded doing anything else for awhile). If A turned out not to be absolutely perfect, I had a strong sense of being gypped, of having lost a precious opportunity to do C or G that might have been much more special. So it was hard to appreciate and to acknowledge what was good and valuable about A.

The average, objective quality of stuff I did in New York was much higher than what was available in Mid-Burg, but the truth was that I enjoyed it less. At least until I figured out this dynamic and dealt with it a little.

WP: Six Ways to be Happy with your College Choice

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