My son finally got the text books he ordered. The tracking showed it had been sitting at the post office for days. The bureaucracy of the USPS is pretty frustrating since this happens in a predictable fashion at the beginning of every semester yet the post office fails to adequately adapt to meet the demand. Now I see why the USPS has such a hard time competing with UPS and Fed Ex who have a more nimble business model. Oh well, if that’s the worst of his problems then we will consider ourselves lucky!
@Tperry1982 - I wouldn’t say that my son’s several sad phone calls have been about not being the best. But they have been about not finding his people yet. And on that subject Yale has been less than helpful.
I understand that all Yale freshmen were assigned groups of siblings and big brothers or sisters to meet with in these early days. And before classes started, there was one night where he sat alone in his suite because all of his suitemates we’re off meeting with their big siblings and my son’s big siblings let him know that they were too busy now but maybe they could meet up next week. Still nothing has happened in that realm.
Now that the fro co meetings are over, my son was looking forward to going to his first Chess Club meeting last night, as was posted on the website. He went, and found himself alone. Again. They seem to not be meeting. I asked if there was a contact person listed, and he said there was but that he had graduated. Most of the website seems outdated.
On the subject of how Yale has disappointed, we can start with moving day. The cheering throngs of upper classmen movers from Trumbull were tripping over us, while Davenport’s were nowhere to be found, or were small in number, and disorganized. What we got was one sweaty senior with a cart.
@Community2605 - Sorry for all the disappointments. We had similar issues at freshman move in. I got stuck on the curb with the stuff, while the rest of the family made multiple trips. We had one or two helpers that dispersed and did not finish the job. It was good practice for upperclass move ins. I am now the designated one to hang out on the curb.
As far as the other stuff, I hope there are other groups that he will find interesting and find his people. It does take longer for some than others. Maybe he will find some of his people in his classes. Hang in there. I am sure it is hard to be on the other end of those calls.
@Community2605 I happened to be in NH this week on business and my son deigned to have lunch with me. We have had some of the same concerns via phone, email, and texts. My child is not naturally outgoing. That said, I think all of this is endemic to college and while Yale isnt perfect, my experience is that it is better than most. I think my sons outlook seems to have brightened now that classes have started and they are settling into a routine. This all just takes some time, we are talking about 18 year olds who are away from home for the first time (except those who went to boarding school). I was much relieved to see my son and realize that he is finding a place, there have been lonely moments but its happening.
That surprises me about move-in; last year the swarming upperclassmen made an impression on me. It’s not an excuse, but maybe the days of heat had gotten to them; I know DS was tired and headachey after moving his stuff into his 4th floor suite.
On the social end, I share your disappointment that the big sibs failed their jobs so badly. Has your son spent any time with the froco? DS used to hang out at the froco’s room sometimes; apparently cookies are usually available.
@Community2605
Undoubtedly, your son will find a good group through other extracurricular groups. They are only two weeks in at this point (Though it feels much longer) and most extracurriculars are just beginning to get going. I’m sure he will keep plugging away. Putting yourself out there is a little uncomfortable for more introverted individuals but he will ultimately find friends that way. I also wonder could his college master or dean set him up with a different big sibling? It is never easy to hear your child is not happy when they are far away. Keep the faith. All will be well.
@Community2605 – If my son ever had a big sibling, I never heard about it! I don’t think everyone has success with that assignment.
My kid was the rare Yalie who did not immediately throw himself into extracurriculars. His first and best friends became people who lived in his freshman entryway. Encourage your kid to be sociable in the dining hall – plunking down next to a semi-familiar face seems to work sometimes – and also encourage him to attend events in Davenport. Study breaks, movie nights, Masters Teas all are ways to get to know others in your RC community.
Once reading period is over and classwork kicks in, there will be a lot of studying going on, and my son (not the most social animal) found that there were always a group of kids to work with, either outside on the grass or on the dorm room floor or in the RC library. Much bonding in shared suffering. ; ) He has friends in extracurriculars now, but his RC friends came first.
It takes a while, but if he gets out of his room and makes some overtures, I suspect your kid too will find some good pals close at hand in his RC. Tell him not to get discouraged; it is a process. Good luck to both of you. It is a stressful time for all!
To Bookmobile’s point, DS didn’t do any formal ECs at all first semester, but had friends from entryway, study groups, and random encounters.
For the first three weeks of school my D, who is an only child and very introverted, ate her meals in her room because it was too “awkward” for her to eat in the dining hall alone. It was heartbreaking to hear this and I felt at a total loss for what to do. Most of her problem was that she had gone to the same school since Kindergarten which had a graduating class of 125, had best friends she had known for life and had no experience meeting or making new friends. This changed over the weeks and months as she began to find things to do and school work and activities kicked in.
If your son is at all athletic, or even slightly interested in sports, tell him to go play intramural sports. There are no try outs and the teams love to have freshmen on them. My D, the one who was heartbroken when she did not make the club volleyball team, started playing all the sports and she became an immediate hot item in her college. She played touch football, soccer, ice hockey, volleyball (coed and women’s), and bowling to name a few. This was the best way to meet other freshmen and upper classmen and to bond. Trust me, she was not good at most of these sports, they were just something fun to do to let off steam after a day of classes.
Big Sibs or whatever are not the answer. They should go to their FroCo. The FroCo suite is supposed to be a place for freshmen to hang out, get advice and have a safe place to learn their environment. The FroCos get paid to do this and they get paid to provide snacks, etc.
It is just the first few days. As the days cool down and the football games start, Old Campus activities start up and activities start in earnest, he should be fine. Just hold on mom.
@Community2605 - my kid never called home to complain about not being the best anymore. That is truly an underlying issue that most 18 year olds cannot articulate. I was just saying that we, as the parents, need to be aware of this since our kids have always been superstars.
Sure. I’m sorry it seemed like I was contradicting. I think I just saw you talking about sad kids and I wanted to talk about my sad kid.
I know how hard it is when your child is suffering from loneliness as my daughter went through it for all four years at her tiny high school. I could at least see her everyday and monitor how she was dealing it with it and encourage her to find other places to fit in. I tell you this because I know you are in a different, more difficult setting but I do remember how tough it is. While I don’t want to diminish what you and your child are experiencing I also do not want others who may read this, some looking for their ‘perfect fit’ college, to think this is the norm at YALE.
My dd took her experience and decided college would be different, and that is why I’m posting this. She signed up for pre-orientation, has gone to a huge variety of events and has joined many groups and extracurriculars. This was not easy for her, I am sure. What she has found at YALE is acceptance beyond what she’d hoped for. Encouragement and friendship and so much more. Here’s an example…the girl loves to sing. She has a very pretty voice but has had zero training. Apparently she’s been singing in her dorm (which makes me happy because if she’s singing she’s comfortable and happy there!) and out of no where received an email offer to audition for an a Capella group. To make a long story shorter, a roommate ran into a member in the courtyard that day and when asked told the group member it was her Roomie singing and piled on the praise. My d did try out, that same night, knowing full we she did not have the training (nor time) to qualify. She tried out to meet people. When she got there she was applauded and hugged and encouraged. When she was finished she felt like a million dollars AND she now has another handful of friends, despite not making it to a call back. Not one moment of sadness nor regret because she is that happy with life at YALE. I hear over and over again how good and kind Yalies are and she is “pretty sure Yale is heaven on earth”. (This from the girl who was the loner at the small private school??!)
I hope you understand that I am in no way disregarding others’ experiences. I just wanted to share that there are kids for whom it has been a really good experience too.
Has anyone’s child figured out a good solution for a late night meal using the anytime dining plan? My son misses breakfast everyday so he’s ready for his third meal around 10 pm but his $70 Eli Bucks won’t last long at the Bass eatery or Durfees. Are they allowed to bring food back from the dining hall and microwave it later in their suite? I realize he could get up earlier but that is not likely to happen :))
officially, they’re not supposed to bring food out of the dining halls. Does it happen? Sure. late in each semester, dining hall student workers go door to door collecting dishes/trays/glasses/silverware that’s migrated to the student rooms. That’s just the reality of things.
From talking to my kid, personal connections (someone knows someone in a club…even as informally as Suemomsie describes) seem to be the smoothest way to get involved in organizations. I sense that Yale is a friendly and open place, but the club websites are often not up-to-date, and it’s surprising how many organizations require an application/interview/try-out. My kid said it’s really not elitist, but it helps to have someone you know already in the group to ease the way. The good thing is that once that network starts to grow, opportunities open up all over. I’m guessing frocos are a great resource for new students wanting to start making those connections.
Hi OP. I am sorry that these opening events have failed and I believe there is no excuse as this is Yale’s stock in trade. I can only assure you that it is a friendly place and though it may take him more time he is highly likely to find his people.
In the meantime for the love of the school I hope the disappointed families let Yale know so that this does not happen again.
Just want to add my story - son is a freshman in JE and seems to fit in well so far, he does not call home often and with only occasional texts. But he befriended me on facebook so I get to know quite a few things he is doing, events he has signed up and new friends he has made, from everything I can tell, he sounds upbeat and is enjoying his time at Yale!
I’m hoping and praying for each of our kids… I think that Yale is a fair proxy for any challenging life change.
I’m glad they have so much support available from the university.
Here is a thread with an article by a Harvard student about his difficult transition and search for close friends.
I think the important thing is to keep trying different things and don’t assume all the happy faces around you are reflective of true happiness inside. Most everyone is a little unsure of themselves at the beginning.
For those that don’t have access to our local news-
There were three fires off campus last night. All set deliberately and to students housing. One Fraternity, the swim team house and grad students. Here is the article.
http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/local/Fires-Force-Yale-Students-Out-of-Three-Homes-328001841.html