<p>This is an essay my son wrote, which he is considering using for his
Princeton application. He is worried that he might be ³pushing it², so I
agreed to post it here for some feedback. Please be brutally honest- how do
you think an essay like this would be received?</p>
<p>What would you do if you were given a year to spend any way you wish?</p>
<p>Given a year to do anything I wish, I would become the Chairperson of the US
College Board, and undertake a glorious initiative to reform the college
application process in these United States.</p>
<p>My reforms would be sweeping and immediate. Advanced Placement tests would
become actual, guaranteed college credit, graded on a pass-fail basis.
Persons hired to determine the nebulous difference between a 4 and a 5 would
need to seek other employment, possibly as figure-skating judges.
Underwater badminton players, snake charmers, champion glass-chewers and
viola players would be passed over in favor of students with useful extra
curriculars, such as basket weaving or CPR. SATs could stay, in deference to
the number 1800, but admissions essays that exceed the word limit would be
stuffed in a rocket and sent to the sun.</p>
<p>College admissions would be determined by a point system of my own creation.
The higher the number of points, the more likely the student would enjoy
admissions success. Students from countries using the Roman alphabet would
earn 10 points, students from countries with a different alphabet would earn
20 points, and students from countries with no alphabet would earn 60
points. Students who invent their own alphabet could earn up to 70 points,
but would still be responsible to pass the TOEFL exam. (A score of 400 or
higher on the English SAT II would also be acceptable.)</p>
<p>At the end of my 12-month tenure, the admissions process would be a
spotless, faultless, well-oiled machine, and thus quite similar to the
British UCAS system. I would resign on the 31st of December satisfied with
my accomplishments, not requiring a second term.</p>
<p>I don’t want to discourage you, but I think I’ll have to. I personally don’t like the essay. It’s very nicely written, but as you wrote, it IS pushing it. I think, with his writing skills, he can write about something less controversial.</p>
<p>I think he wrote a great essay. Succint and articulate and an excellent proposal. My take on it is that the most successful essays are those that give you a look at the writer that is not apparent in the rest of the app. A well written essay that anyone could have done does not do it. The essay should set you apart from the other applicants, your peers. When there are 40 kids writing essays, I want to be able to tell who wrote the essays without having to look at the names on them because some of the apps themselves are so look-alike that kids and parents pick them from the stack. The essay should be the tell tale. In my experience, they do not have to great, but telling.</p>
<p>I largely agree with kinetic. Your son structures his writing relatively well and creates a strong sense of voice. The essay, however, is too sarcastic and doesn’t tell the admission officer anything about the applicant (except that he dislikes standardized tests). </p>
<p>Random fact: ETS headquarters are in Princeton, NJ.</p>
<p>I pretty much agree with what the other have said. It’s a clever essay, but it’ll probably annoy the adcoms. This is Princeton, after all. They get plenty of witty essays. They want essays that are personal. This tells virtually nothing about your son. He seems to come off as a sarcastic wise guy, which is not the impression he wants to send. On the other hand, I’m guessing that this is one of the short essays (it has to be, considering it’s about 280 words or so). As long as the others are very personal (especially the long one), he can afford to have one light, witty essay. Do you have any idea what his other essays are like?</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the helpful reponses. Forever Zero: this is one of the shorter essays. The main Common App essay is a much more serious and involved piece describing his creative process. He plans to write the second shorter essay about an author that he knows personally and has affected him in a great way.</p>
<p>My S wrote an essay on this subject. My advice to him before he started writing was to make absolutely sure he wrote it in his own voice, because imo, the purpose of these essays is to allow the adcoms a sense of who the student is. </p>
<p>S wrote what I thought was a brilliant essay. I think for him, letting go of the self-consciousness about who his audience was and simply writing from the heart is what made all the difference. If this is that essay for your student, then you’re there!</p>
<p>I wrote and essay about living on the streets of Calcutta to absorb the sights and sounds, then go into a meditative retreat with the monks in the Himalayas. Then end the year off with going to Wacken Open Air!</p>
<p>Hm… risque but you never know. One thing, though, the SAT is scored out of 1600, he might want to change that (unless I’m missing something). The part about the alphabet, in my opinion, is a little odd as it is doesn’t really make much logical sense. I once wrote an essay (short) about wet socks to Stanford; they deferred EA and then rejected me - I don’t know how much the socks affected their decision.</p>
<p>Try to make everything in tht present tense. Note how old “I would” and “I will” gets. I found that it detracted from the more powerful verbs that could be used if there were so many “I woulds” and “I wills”, but whatever.</p>
<p>In my opinion, it just isn’t a very good college application essay. It says very little about him as a person other than that he dislikes the admissions process.</p>
(unless I’m missing something). The part about the alphabet, in my opinion, is a little odd as it is doesn’t really make much logical sense. I once wrote an essay (short) about wet socks to Stanford; they deferred EA and then rejected me - I don’t know how much the socks affected their decision.</p>