Yellow flags about roommate are turning into red!!

Parents Forum
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<p>Make sure your D sets clear boundaries, that she is polite, but ignores her roommate and does not let her get in the way of a successful first year. I can think of worse roommate situations than the sound of this one, which might not be all that comforting. Make sure that your D is not hit with a huge phone bill. My son only used email, and his cell phone last year. Your D just might have a new roommate or a single room by January. </p>

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<p>If I had a crystal ball, I would predict this too.</p>

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<p>I am with doubleday. Your daughter will seem the irrational one, acting just yet. If you are concerned of long distance calls on the land line phone and the expenses, put a block on it or password. Sounds like thus far, the roommate is annoying, but not a true problem. Err on the side of caution…maybe she’ll change. If not, perhaps she’ll leave. If/when she has BF spend the night, or is taking things, then step in with RA. Jumping in haste, could label your daughter the floor troublemaker, tattletale, etc. Form relationships with other girls, get involved. How much time does one truly spend in their room?</p>

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<p>I agree with DP that there is no grounds to go to the RA with complaints. But a general going over rules by the RA will remind the roommate about the needs to observe boundaries. The RA’s pep talk can cover more than the basic rules and go over issues of courtesy, sharing, etc…</p>

<p>I suggest limiting the land line to local calls since there is a good likelihood that the roommate will hog the phone to make long distance calls; our family cell phone plan is quite adequate for long distance calls. Of course, we have two not very chatty sons, not daughters. But they use facebook to stay in touch with friends from all over the country, not phone.
Profs are unlikely to call every day, but when they do, it’s probably fairly urgent. Otherwise, they use email.</p>

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<p>I should note, the land lines in DS dorm room are basically local call access only. For LD they would need a calling card. Doesn’t help with the phone line being open, but at least you are not looking at a potentially large liability when the chatty dorm mate drops out come later this fall!</p>

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<p>Silly me thinking this was about Chinese communists…
But really, perhaps this girl, like many others leaving intrusive family and inappropriate boyfriends behind will come around and actually turn out to be a semi-decent kid. Establish ground rules, absolutely. Call in the heavies- sure to create hostility. If the girl turns out to be trouble, it will likely be sooner rather than later and will take care of itself.</p>

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<p>My suggestion about talking with an RA or Dean was to help her navigate the issue–not to gripe-- but to get some strategies and support. Wacky roommate issues are routine for an adult would deals with freshmen. Reaching out for advice and coaching can really help if she finds the right person.</p>

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<p>If you can make long distance calls on the phone, call the phone company and ask to have a code set for long distance calls and then tell your daughter she must NOT ever give it out. I have one at work. Someone in one of the offices I rented space in had a gambling problem. We got hit with whopping bills for 900 number calls to odds and tips lines. So, we coded our phones–you must punch in the code after dialing the #. It’s a good idea to do it in a dorm even if it hasn’t been a problem.</p>

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<p>I agre with glassses; the point of talking to the RA is to figure out what to do; it isn’t tattling–it is collaborative effort to deal with a problem before it becomes an untenable condition. Obviously it is not (yet) something one goes running to the dean about. I continue to think the time for your D to address the issues is now, not later when classes have started and a disruptive pattern is already set.</p>

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<p>I would make sure cell phone, keys, check book, any bank/credit cards, are never available to the roommate with the lockbox idea. I, too, think that roomie will either shape up or be gone by midterm, sooner if bf has anything to say about it. </p>

<p>Your poor D! Perhaps there is an empty room someplace else in the dorm in the next week? That might be a good solution.</p>

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<p>pgpc - It may not seem like it now, but the saga of your D’s roommate really is funny. Phone all day & BF all night? Wow, to be eighteen again.</p>

<p>I guess I agree on suggestions for division. You need to address those areas which directly affect you, which certainly include no roommate use of D’s car and no long distance calls on ANY of your D’s phones. Your D needs to safeguard her valuables and make sure her roommate isn’t violating any dorm rules that might reflect badly on your D. (No, poor taste and rude behavior don’t count.) Beyond that it’s really your D’s party. Good preparation for life IMHO.</p>

<p>One more thing. I also don’t think the roommate will be around for the Spring Semester.</p>

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<p>The mother’s intrusiveness is what particularly bothered me. The hogging the land line can be addressed by getting a cell phone, but the mother seeking to involve the OP’s D in her relationship with her own daughter crossed the line, imo.</p>

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<p>Hmmm…is anyone else wondering if the rm may have a disability/impairment (eg Aspergers). Thinking about it from this perspective doesn’t change the advice (setting boundaries, negotiating rules, etc) but may help to consider that the rm may not have malevalent motivation, rather, very poor social skills.</p>

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<p>To clarify: the phone in the room is required because of safety/security issues (students will be notified by phone & email of various situations on campus: emergencies, class closings/ changes, etc) My daughter did not have access to her campus email because her password was left out of her orientation packet(should get that today) She has a cell phone, rm doesn’t but her family is “going to get her one” D has # that is out-of-state/ long distance unless her friends have Verizon. We discussed the keys & other important items before she moved in except what to do when in the shower. She told me last night she intends to talk to her rm, hopefully, today. D is very good at diplomacy & volunteered that the 'Sleep-over" thing is not going to happen. Also, she said there will be some discussion about the talking on the phone especially when my D is trying to study (18 hrs & work study) Also, my D just found out they have 2 classes together. D said she’s not furnishing notes if rm doesn’t go to class, unless she is deathly ill. When the microwave incident happened, her mother spoke up & said, “Sure you can use it…that’s silly…up here everyone shares everything with each other. What belongs to one belongs to the others.” When my D became aware of that comment she realized she was going to have to set ground rules. She mentioned last night about the possibility the rm may not be around after Christmas unless things change. She talked about the possibility of a new rm if things get to the point she can’t study etc. but decided since she provided the carpet, fridge, mw, & the big items that she shouldn’t be the one to move.(the room has a fantastic view when the rm will open the blinds) They are having required hall meetings & supposedly will be charged $10 if they don’t attend.</p>

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<p>jasmom, I have been wondering if it’s just immaturity or a medical problem.</p>

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<p>Is that an invitation to thieves or isn’t it? ROTFL!</p>

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<p>pgpc,</p>

<p>As a mom who has had a dozen years of college-roommate-kids experience with Ds 1, 2, and 3, I’d have to say that you’re getting too stressed and too early! While I agree that there are certainly some issues which roomies should discuss early on in the year so that potential conflicts don’t materialize, many of the issues you’ve mentioned are really not things which your D should be concerned with. Things like what bedding the roomie uses, or that she brought some favorite toys from home, the fact that she had a lot of help moving in, that she’s a picky eater, how old her boyfriend is, that she spent an entire day in her room. </p>

<p>Use of the microwave and landline may get annoying but I don’t know of any roommate situation where one forbids the other to use those kinds of things. That just sounds like the makings of an untenable living arrangement to me. Living with a stranger, or even a friend, is always going to bring necessary compromises, and it’s always going to have its annoying moments, this is unavoidable. I would imagine that the boyfriend will indeed visit. I don’t know many, if any, college kids who have a significant other living elsewhere who didn’t visit. When that happens, the two roomies need to work out an agreement on how it’s going to work. Remember there’s always the likelihood that your D may at some point in the year be in a relationship as well.</p>

<p>All these things are part of the joys(?) of sharing a room in a dorm and most kids are able to work them out on their own. If, at some point in the future, it isn’t possible to do so, well, then that is one of the reasons that dorms have RAs. I would not recommend that your D talk to the RA about these issues at this early date. Whether the roomie is a ‘conversationalist’ or not, your D is still able to express her thoughts on these issues to her, and I think that’s the best way to approach it for now, because it may all work out just fine. </p>

<p>With one of my Ds, she had a roomie in freshman year who, on the first day, threw up many red flags for all of us during that stressful move in time. She was different than my D in every conceivable way, honestly, and yet after a few days, when they started to get to know each other, they got along great. They worked out any kinds of disagreements they had, and became excellent roommates. It got to the point where others asked them if they’d requested each other as roomies because they got along so well. </p>

<p>This may or may not happen with your D and her roomie, but it’s too early to be sounding the alarm bells yet. Let them work on it and, if needed, I’m sure your D knows that she can go to her RA. </p>

<p>p.s. About the locked room door, in all the dorms my kids have lived in, the doors have all locked automatically when they are closed. Could this be what happened here? Also, is it true that it’s against the rules to have the door closed with a boy in the room? I’ve honestly never heard of anything like that, even back in the dark ages when I was in college!</p>

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<p>alwaysamom: the point about the comforter & various items in the room were to illustrate that the rm will agree on something & then change without even talking to or letting the person she is sharing a room with know, i.e. communication.</p>

<p>The door rule was pointed out in parent/student meetings: 45 degree angle at least. We were told this @ other colleges she visited also. Oh, the door was pushed all the way open to bring items in so the rm or bf had to physically get up & close it.</p>

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<p>pgpc, I understand that the point of mentioning it was the issue of communication, and again, I say that I think you’re overreacting. Yes, this roommate may indeed be the roommate from hel.l. but it’s too early to tell that, and my point in suggesting that your D, and you, wait for a while before reaching that conclusion, is that things may (and likely will) change. I’m curious, is this D your eldest? If so, you have many years ahead of you of roommate adjustments :), trust me. What you’ve mentioned so far is pretty mild, and pretty common, for the first few days, in terms of complaints. </p>

<p>Still amazed at that door issue! Well, I guess she won’t have to worry about the issue of the boyfriend visiting then!</p>

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<p>I wonder if it wasn’t the roommate but the mother who made the changes in room decor? Since she sounds so overbearing, I wouldn’t be surprised if roommate agreed in good faith but then just didn’t want to deal with her mother!</p>

<p>As to the boyfriend: Remember, if he’s 16, he’s still in high school. It’s unlikely that he will have the kind of schedule that will allow easy visiting. Unless they live very close, or his parents are completely uninvolved, I think worrying about that is premature.</p>

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<p>my take is perhaps that the D maybe intended to go along with the color scheme, but good ole mom nixed that idea, as this is her little girl </p>

<p>seeing how mom is hovering, that is a possiblity</p>

<p>I too see flags, as this girl is obviouslly not ready for college, and sadly, she won’t be there very long unless her personality changes</p>

<p>the OPs D is right to be concerned, but there is not need yet, to be super concerned, but with the phone calls to the OP (that is really odd, unless there was a real emergency, that call to ask the OP to interfere is odd)</p>

<p>If the mom of RM calls again, I would ask, very politely, if there was something going on with RM that the OP should be concerend with- health issues, etc…either mom with share or realize she has crossed the line and stop the calls</p>

<p>At this point very clear boundaries regarding notes, phone use, etc need to be talked about</p>

<p>As well, is there call waiting on the landline and if not can you get it? at least that way they will know if a call is coming in</p>

<p>THe comments about the comforter, the toys, the mom, the food, the bf, the watching cartoons, the skipping meetings, etc, each taken seperately, are nt that big a deal, however, taken together, well, it is a big red flag to me about the readiness of RM in school</p>

<p>Good luck and the best advice it to be coridial ,but don’t get sucked into resculing this girl as that is probably what she is used to</p>