Pgpc, this comment makes it clear that the girl & her family are users. You stated that the girl doesn’t even have a cell phone & used you D’s sithout permission; is hogging the landline phone that you are paying for; has brought none of the shared items she agreed to; shows no compunction in using D’s items w/o asking & doesn’t communicate. What a pain. (I did assume that the stuffed animal/comforter/16 yr old b.f. info was just given for background. Not anything to get upset about, but just details that give a clearer picture of the girl’s personality.)</p>
<p>Get the lock/calling code set up on the landline phone for sure. Passwords for D’s computer & cell phone. And encourage your D to set ground rules ASAP. These types will take a mile if you give them an inch. Most new roomies are walking on eggshells, trying to ease each other’s anxiety & clearly set a standard for courtesy & communication. This one seems like a real dud; Your D will be fine if she stands her ground.</p>
<p>I’m with the people who say not to worry–roommate will be gone soon. Encourage your daughter to make friends with others on the floor, but not to be catty about her roommate, because then she’ll get a reputation for cattiness. Better she should just ignore the situation.</p>
<p>what stickershock said, I don’t think the OP is overreacting, this too would bother me…but her D seems to be able to deal</p>
<p>the 19 yo girl with the 16 yo boyfriend is odd anyway, ewwww, cause I would say the same thing it the genders were reversed, and if his parents let him come and sleep in the girls bed, double ewwww</p>
Haven’t read the whole thread yet, so this may have been addressed. This is virtually never a problem. DS has been to 3 schools in 3 different states - mucho area codes for various friends/profs/whatever. Almost everyone has Nationwide plans where doesn’t matter what area code you call to/from.</p>
<p>Im thinking she might have a disability…my best friend has Mild autism and is EXACTlY The same…except she goes to a vocational program(NYIT V.I.P) and is a yr older o and they don’t have roomates in that program</p>
<p>I would have a huge problem with the roomie’s mother calling me at 10pm absent an emergency. Maybe I’m standoffish, but I wouldn’t encourage that.</p>
<p>Here’s what I’m seeing on this thread- a lot of embellishing, exaggerating, and jumping to conclusions. Who said the roommate used the cell phone without asking? I can’t find that anywhere in the OP’s posts, but suddenly the roommate has taken D’s phone. What items did the roommate agree to bring that she didn’t? The only thing I could find was a matching comforter. Well call 911! </p>
<p>What should have happened was that the roommates should have divided up the important items (micro, frig, etc.) over the summer. The bedspread thing is a non-issue at this point. If they didn’t, it’s too late now, but the decent thing to do is let your roommate have a little frig space and use the microwave. Same thing with the phone- if it wasn’t agreed to split the monthly bill, the subject should be broached right now and end all this angst. There are some very simple solutions that would alleviate some of the teeth-gnashing. </p>
<p>As for roommate going or not going to orientation…who the heck cares? That’s her problem. If she doesn’t go to class- same thing. Why worry about her asking to borrow the car or get class notes? Just say “no” and forget about it. And if roommate decides to have boyfriend stay, and D doesn’t like it, just say no and no again.</p>
<p>I am sensitive to “what if” behavior- I grew up with a mother whose picture is next to “what if” in the dictionary- some days I just have to avoid her altogether or she will absolutely drive me off the deep end. That’s what is going on here- between the stealing of the cell phone, running up LD bills, entertaining BF in room, skipping class, having psychiatric disorders, stealing things, dropping out of school- hasn’t the jumping to conclusions and “what iffing” gone a little bit far?</p>
<p>There are locks for landlines, and many colleges only have local service from the dorm landlines.</p>
<p>Please keep us posted on what happens with this roommate.</p>
<p>If the mother wanted to contact her daughter she should have gotten the girl a cell phone before she moved to college. I think whoever posted “user” in describing roommate and her family was correct.</p>
<p>The good news is that the roommate sounds benign. Also woefully unprepared for college, academically and socially. I doubt she’ll even last til Christmas.</p>
<p>Your D is definitely on the right track by setting boundaries.</p>
<p>Like I mentioned earlier, I had wondered if there wasn’t something medically going on. Mild autism does seem to be a possibility. I didn’t mention earlier because I thought it just went with everything else, the rm has enough sweets to stock a store: boxes & boxes of cookies, cake icing to squirt on the cookies, candy bars, & on & on. She mentioned she brought a cookbook to make sweets. I just read on several autism pages about obsession with sweets in mild autism & families thinking they are picky eaters. The girl is rail thin. I’m wondering if her parents are in denial about her behavior because when we were @ an open house, her father came up to my daughter (they were not roomies @ the time…were matched up a month later) & told her, “I just wanted you to know ___is not snobbish she is just real shy” We thought that was odd since we had only seen them on a campus tour. </p>
<p>My D called around lunch to update me on finally getting in contact with the work-study professor: she got hired as a lab asst. in the science dept & made 100 on the entrance writing exam/essay-yeah!!! Anyway she said she spoke to her rm this morning about the phone & explained she had individuals unable to reach her because the room phone was tied up all day & they had to call long-distance from campus offices to her cell phone. All the rm said was “Oh” D said no, I’m sorry or attempt to discuss the situation to come up with a compromise. </p>
<p>It seems the obsession with cartoon/child-like toys/animals might go along with the info about the sweets. This may turn out to be an undiagnosed condition (or her family knows & is keeping it underwraps)</p>
<p>ZG is bringing enough candy to stock a candy store. Literally, because that’s where she works now and the owner is sending ZG AND his daughter to college this week and has decided that the thing to break the ice for them is a vast supply of interesting, retro candy. Packed into hot pink Chinese food containers. I can’t imagine how much money this generous man spent on this candy. Pop rocks alone sell for $1 per pack and she has bunches. She’s also bringing several pink teddy bears, which might be offputting. We were worried about her roommate and the BF, but the roomate graciously agreed to bring fridge and TV because they were gifted to her. ZG is bringing several other things. The young woman told ZG straight out that she is looking forward to meeting her, but that she has no interest in making other friends and will be working during the week and going home every weekend that presence is not required on campus. ZG completely respects her honesty.</p>
<p>doubleplay: there were items other than a comforter the rm said she would bring which meant we had to make a run to a store for the necessities. </p>
<p>My D didn’t mind sharing the fridge & mw, it was the fact that she couldn’t get it set-up before the rm carried to her chair to use. As soon as my D unpacked a liter drink the rm jumped off her bed & started pouring herself some. I didn’t have room to put all the little details. The point is my D supplied almost everything & is willing to share certain items but the least she could expect would be for the rm to ask before helping herself. </p>
<p>As far as the orientation schedule, classes, etc, she will be the one with that responsibility. The point is she hardly ever leaves the room making it difficult for my D to have friends in her side due to the loud cartoons & phone conversations with her bf (they act more like arguing siblings)</p>
<p>zoosermom, that was nice of her boss We saw the roommate eat a pack of Oreos & a box of Teddy Grahams within 1 1/2 hrs. She didn’t bring it for sharing…lol.</p>
<p>It really does sound like something is going on there. If the mother calls you again, would you be comfortable asking her. In some sort of tactful way? Ok, I have no tact so I couldn’t do it, but I’m sure there are people who could. Where’s Marite?</p>
<p>I am guessing if that there is an propped open door policy when opposite-genders are in the room, it is either a military school or a school with a religious affiliation. I would also venture to say that a policy like that would prevent any “sleepover” issues.</p>
<p>Both my H’s and D’s schools have strict Honor Codes. The administrators tell the student to lock up valuables and to use secure log-ins for their personal electronic equipment as not everyone who happens to be on a campus is a fellow student subject to the Honor Code.</p>
<p>Doubleplay, I haven’t done any embellishing at all. I did list the unauthorized use of the OP D’s cell phone, but when I looked back, that was another poster’s problem roommate story. Sorry about that. But in the OP’s very first post, she states that, “my daughter ended up bringing almost everything & the few items the roommate agreed to bring she didn’t.” This girl is clearly a user. While the OP’s D can say no to use of the car, it’s impossible to keep someone like that from running up phone bills if there is not either a college-imposed limit on long distance or some kind of code assigned to the account holder. (I may have this wrong – are all dorm rooms supplied with free local phone lines that only require a phone to be plugged in? Even so, the girl is on the phone so often that her own mom can’t get through. OP stated that the land line was what her D needed to communicate with professors, & the roomate was making that impossible.) I’d also worry about what she’d do if she gets on the OP D’s computer. I think it’s just common sense to protect oneself after such a strange start to the roomate relationship. The OP never said or implied that her D would forbid the girl from using her stuff. But I doubt you’d be thrilled about being thrust into a living situation with such a rude & nervy girl whose family seems to foster this behavior.</p>
<p>Agree completely, doubleplay. The judgements made in this thread are highly disturbing. It has been mentioned several times that the roomie is not “academically and socially prepared for college and will be gone soon”. I’m sorry, but, my eyes bulged out of my head a little when I read that. Nobody on this thread has met or spoken to this girl, and not even the OP knows anything about her academic prowess! I think it would be best to keep this thread to dealing with issues that have come up around the roommate and how the OP’s D should respectfully handle these situations (ex. setting limites to bf visits and item sharing). From what has been said, the roommate has been a challenge to deal with. But posters should certainly not slide into talking about personality disorders and academic failure on the part of a young women none of us have met. I would have expected more from parents.</p>
<p>Marite in real life is not known for being tactful :(</p>
<p>My take, however would be to say something along the lines of: “I appreciate your frustration, but I think this is something best handled by you and your D, without interference from me or my D. Can you contact your D on her cell phone or send her an email?” and leave it at that.</p>
<p>About the use of the microwave and to food, of course the issue is not “these are mine, don’t you dare touch them!” but the assumption, aided and abetted by the mother that “what’s yours is mine” and thus, the roommate can help herself without bothering to ask whether it’s okay. I think the OP’s D can address the issue by telling the roommate that while she is willing to let the roommate make use of utensils and some equipments, she would appreciate being asked first. If the roommate helps herself to anything that needs to be restocked, whether it is food, drinks or paper, or laundry detergent, the OP’s D will expect the roommate to ask for permission first and to make good on what she has consumed/used.</p>
<p>While it is too early to predict disaster or to worry about sleepovers that may never happen, it is not too early to establish ground rules early on. If not, the roommate will continue to assume it’s okay to help herself to all sorts of things, and the OP’s D may have a rude shock when finding that things she needs have already been eaten or used by her roommate.</p>
<p>family uses computer @wife’s job…not employed during summer…hasn’t gotten cell phone yet. RM did get a laptop to bring to school as a gift…appears she has not had much exposure to computers.</p>