yet another short-answer

College Admissions
#1

<p>please tell me how i could modify this:</p>

<p>At the University of Michigan, we are committed to building a superb educational community with students of diverse talents, experiences, opinions and cultural backgrounds. What would you as an individual bring to our campus community? </p>

<p>Former President Jimmy Carter once said: “We have become not a melting pot but a beautiful mosaic. Different people, different beliefs, different yearnings, different hopes, different dreams.” The University of Michigan has turned into this beautiful mosaic of Mr. Carter’s descriptions which I so dearly want to be a part of. I believe that I can contribute to the diversity of the student body at Michigan in various ways.
I am an Indian native, and I moved to America in 2002. Feeling that it would be both rewarding and fun to educate my new peers about the Indian culture, I helped organize the Indian American Club (IAC) at my high-school, which I am currently the co-secretary of. The IAC has been a success at my high-school as many Americans have displayed interest in our events and cultural programs, and now there are more American members in the IAC then there are Indians (26 members in total). At Michigan, I would continue my involvement in such activities by joining the Indian Students’ Association (ISA), and actively participating in the numerous events and cultural functions. I think that the ISA should be more of a multicultural group than just an Indian club, so that people of all cultures could enjoy the Indian events, and also get to know Indians better. Thus, I would try to get different ethical groups involved in the ISA events and programs. The Indian community is one of the fastest growing communities in America, and the Indian culture should be introduced to Americans to promote better understanding and harmony between all ethical groups, and to make this beautiful mosaic of America look even more elaborate. After all, diversity is the one true thing we all have in common. We should celebrate it every day.</p>

<p>thank you in advance.</p>

#2

<p>feel free to criticise. criticism is great -- will help me modify this answer. but do tell me 1 good thing about this short-answer.</p>

#3

<p>I think it is really good as is.</p>

<p>Are you a high school debater by any chance (your intro sounds like an intro to a debate case...)?</p>

#4

<p>not really a debater, but i am taking a debate class right now! maybe thats why.</p>

#5

<p>The University of Michigan (is) this beautiful mosaic of Mr. Carter’s descriptions which I so dearly want to be a part of. </p>

<p>Also,</p>

<p>there is an aprubt transition here: moved to America in 2002. Feeling that it would be both</p>

<p>Looks good maybe break up a couple of the longer sentences.</p>

<p>Good luck</p>

#6

<p>thanx, will do it right away.
but couldnt really add any more words to this as i m already over the word limit (250 words)</p>

#7

<p>bump...................</p>

#8

<p>You might find this interesting...
<a href="http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/wood200309300825.asp%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/wood200309300825.asp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>