We also got a lot of comments about how much of our son’s life we were missing–his sports/activities/proms/romances, nightly dinner-table conversations, his friends coming over to watch movies or play games, etc. I learned from others here to reply, “You’re right. We missed a lot, but he missed nothing, and it’s not about us.” It got old but, as @one1ofeach pointed out, there was no comparison between his experience and what his friends were experiencing here at home. It really was hard to miss out on all those things, and it didn’t get any easier when, three weeks after BS graduation, he left for the military and never really came home again, just a bit of leave here and there. So, I still feel a bit cheated, but have zero regrets about our choices, and I KNOW he has no regrets. Ultimately, that’s all that matters.
ETA: And then came the remarks about the military. “What?! After that fancy boarding school, he ends up joining the Army? Did the money run out? Did he flunk out?” It never ends, so you just can’t care what other people think.
@Calliemomofgirls i couldn’t agree more with everyone, but especially with the original statement. You pick people and a community for your child. I’m so glad the AO was so empathetic. That must’ve been the best feeling when you saw she had immediately sprung into action to bring a little brightness to your DDs day! I know being that far away can be crippling at times, but moments like that would always make me a bit teary.
My similar moment was when DS had gotten sick and was walking back to his dorm from the health center. I had just gotten off the phone with the nurse and we had instructed him to go rest in his room for the weekend. About 20 minutes later, I get a text of a picture of him with a semi-local family at Target buying juice and soup. They had seen him walking across campus and picked him up. The moment they realized he wasn’t feeling well, they headed to the store for “sick essentials”. DS never even asked - they insisted.
It truly is about the community. I’m so glad your DD found hers! Hugs!
[quote}The benefit I have is that I seem to care less and less what other people think. Not sure if that is age or just me. But on this front, as well as others, I am going to do what I think is best for my kids. And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely don’t give a hoot whether you think it is a good idea or a dumb one that I let my kid go to school far away.
[/quote]
This is the right approach for pretty much everything. Many people tend to care what others think about how they live their own lives, raise their kids, etc. far too much for various reasons. Big driver for much of social media even existing.
There is a flip side to the reaction issue though. Reactions described here definitely happen. Often based on jealousy no doubt. But often times there is an expecation of some type of reaction. And if that reaction doesn’t happen, its a problem. I work with a lot of people with undergrad or grad degrees (some both) from Ivies. Many of them are expecting a reaction when they mention an Ivy. Some type of “Oh Wow!!” “How incredible.” “Can I kiss your ring” reaction. And if they don’t get it, some are bothered by that. They will sometimes assume you didn’t hear them. Or maybe you don’t know what a big thing an Ivy is. Will bring it up multiple times later in the conversation hoping to get the desired reaction eventually. Sometimes they get thrown off in the conversation by the lack of a reaction. It can be amazing (and somewhat entertaining) to watch.
My wife has a very good friend who went to Harvard. So did her husband. And her father in law. And one of her kids. Harvard comes up in virtually every conversation I have ever had with the woman. Despite knowing my wife well for more than 15 years, she still to this day will say in a conversation with my wife “You know I went to Harvard, right?” We have something of a running joke in our family when her name comes up in a dicussion, someone will say “You know, I just learned something for the first time recently. Mrs. X went to Harvard.” Rest of us act surprised, having not known that and how amazing and incredible it is and how lucky we are to know her and that she even talks with us. We do the same thing with some things that other people repeated announce to the world.
I come across many fewer people who went to boarding school. Just not as common around these parts. Though high school doesn’t typically come up in conversations so there may be people I meet who did but just don’t know. But in those few cases, the reaction thing is still the same. More common for them to think you just never heard of where they went (and in reality its true as name recognition is much less).
And some of the people who react the worst to not getting a big reaction from going to an Ivy are those who claim to hate the reaction. With some of the “I went to college in Boston” being the worst.
@saillakeerie
There was a big discussion about this last year. I just don’t know anyone like this and find is strange that people are always bringing up this point.
For those of us with kids at BS it’s a totally different issue and has nothing to do with expecting an “oh wow” reaction from anyone. Unless your kid goes to Andover, most people have no idea what we are talking about.
@one1ofeach I understand that someone who has never seen something would think it strange that others who have seen that something bring it up. But different people have different experiences. I would say its strange to me when people don’t seem to understand that different people have different experiences. But I have been on this site long enough to know it happens often. Place is something of a bubble/echo chamber in many ways.
And given the people I know who are looking for the “wow” reaction when they talk about their kids expensive private non-boarding schools, I would expect there are boarding school parents who are the same. But I acknowlege that not everyone has that experience or is looking for that reaction.
@saillakeerie: A lot of the comments we’re talking about are initiated by others, not reactions to anything we’ve said. Our neighbors knew that our son had chosen boarding school for high school mainly through their kids telling them that “ isn’t going to for high school! He’s going to a boarding school far away!” Then we got all kinds of inquiries and comments, some genuinely curious and non-judgemental, others not so much. No one in our AZ neighborhood knows ANYthing about any boarding school or anyone who ever went to one, so the name of any school has no meaning. Most of the comments the parents on this board have to deal with are of the “How could you send your kid away?” or “Guess isn’t good enough for you?” variety.
^I agree. I do worry that I get perceived as braggy, though. I take a deep breath every time it comes up, because you never know what will come back at you.
Maybe the difference between the fancy college v fancy bs conversation is that it is so damn hard for a parent to have a kid at bs, no matter how prestigious. And it isn’t automatically seen as prestigious by everyone. No one judges your parenting if your kid goes to Harvard.
Haha, true, although I can think of one family in particular that, if my kid went to Harvard, would have the reaction of “poor kid, we always knew his parents pushed him too hard.”
But yes, your point is totally true that many people send their kids off to college without thinking about it but the BS crowd is a bunch of child hating meany parents. ?
The other difference between BS and college is that most folks we know have a decent LPS option – for free. Whereas everyone is paying something for college. So any mention of BS also has the risk of being perceived as showy.
@ChoatieMom I understand the questions you are referencing. They have been noted in this thread (and elsewhere on the site over the years). I am just saying its not the only way any of such discussions play out. What type happens most often isn’t known. By anyone.
And there are people who are looking for reactions. Not all but some. How many? Tough to know. More than some people would admit though. And some of those looking for reactions are those who also complain about them. She doth protest too much situation.
And I think the “reframe” approach you referenced earlier is likely to prolong the interaction. Different people make different decisions as to what works for them. Doesn’t make the decisions right or wrong. Just different. There is not response to that other than you are right and it ends there. Doesn’t just apply to school or kids in general. Applies to a lot of situations in life.
Wow! What a great story @Calliemomofgirls. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad to recognize that your DD got that required support and the food, too!
