<p>I’ve been reluctant to post but things keep bothering me so I thought I’d ask for advice and commiseration.</p>
<p>It’s been a hard year for me. I turned one of those “milestone birthdays”, my youngest child graduated from college and my dad passed away. He was sick for a couple of years and we all knew that he wouldn’t be along forever (no one is) but you know it’s hard.</p>
<p>But it’s been hard dealing with my mother. They were married for a long time and she moved right from her parents house to married life. She thinks my dad was perfect. My mother has not ever been the easiest person to deal with. Along with trying to deal with my life and all that is going on with me, I feel more responsible to be there for my mom. I have a sibling but they don’t get along that well and so I’m the one who seems to be the one who has to call all the time and deal with things that come up. </p>
<p>My parents made some mistakes managing their money and along with the downturn in the economy, my mom is pinched for funds. She can pay her bills but there is not much left over and not that much left in savings. My parents moved away from the town they lived in for most of their lives and moved to a retirement community about 15 years ago. My mom has lots of friends there and the weather is good. It is far away from myself and my sibling. </p>
<p>My dad passed away in Feb. and now my mom made the announcement that she wants to sell her house and move back to the community she previously lived in. The problem is that the house is her biggest asset, the value of which is half of what they paid for it. It still has a mortgage and once she pays off the mortgage and realtor fees there might be enough to move. She wants to find an apartment so that she won’t have any repair bills or real estate taxes. Her biggest reason is that she is afraid that this 15 year old house is going to fall apart and she can’t afford to fix it. She’s convinced that the heating system is going and that she has to replace the roof and it needs to be painted. </p>
<p>My H is opposed to this (and I agree with him). I think she first of all needs to think about this for more than 3 months. Second it costs a lot to move and she is liquidating her only asset to move to a community where she has some friends left but I think will be very different than 15 years ago. I think that she should wait and see if they market improves for a little bit. Her costs are pretty low and I don’t think she could find something she could be happy with if she is renting. </p>
<p>I am so torn. It is so hard to deal with. My H is afraid that she is frittering away the remaining money she has and we will have to support her. We have our own retirement to save for and we are taking over our kids college loans because we want to pay for our kids college which we can afford to but we are not rich.</p>
<p>Sorry this is so long. She was screaming to me the other day, that even though it’s hard for me, my life hasn’t changed, I still have my H at home and she sitting home alone. Except that as far as I can tell, she has lots to do and isn’t sitting home much. I know it’s an adjustment but I just launched my kids, I didn’t expect to have to have to take care of my mother.</p>
<p>Not a ton of advice, but a ton of hugs and support. That would be SO hard. </p>
<p>Maybe encourage her to wait another 3 months (or 6 months) before making such a big decision after such a major change in her life. Can you take her for day trips to visit the town she wants to go back to? Have her get together with the friends that may be left there? Maybe she will see that it’s not all that its cracked up to be and that there actually aren’t that many people left there to be close to (including your dad - that would be a MAJOR adjustment to go back to that life without him).</p>
<p>I get the impression, she is pysically able to care for herself, and that her mental faculties are still intact. Sounds like she may be subject to making some some poor financial decisions though. maybe a thorough discussion of the costs.?</p>
<p>Sorry that you are going through this but I’m there with you. Someone scammed my mother out of her money from her bank account and credit cards two weeks ago. We have the police involved but it’s a very slow process. Now that she’s been scammed, we have to figure out if we’re on the hook for the credit cards and how much. We knew that she couldn’t manage her finances own her own so me and my brothers paid off all of her credit cards about 3 months ago.</p>
<p>She’s very adamant about having control of her finances but we end up paying her mortgage and other bills every month because she spends too much money. The police is involved and they have the criminals recorded at the bank but it’s taking a long time to investigate.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s extremely stressful and overwhelming. I’m paying my mom’s bills and putting money away for my retirement. I don’t want my daugher to go through this in 30 years. Unfortunately that means, there’s no college savings and we’l have to figure out a way to pay for her school in three years.</p>
<p>Oh deb and cookiemonster, I feel your pain, and understand your struggles. Been there, done that, and still dealing with estate matters, a difficult sibling etc. </p>
<p>I had the opposite situation in that my dad didn’t want to move, but had a lot of needs that were challenging to manage long distance, which I did for 8 years after my mother died and continue now as we got through the sale of the house and the estate. He had cashflow problems which required us to refi his house, lend him $$ (my brother refused without seeing a full accounting), etc. We were fortunately able to access some long term care benefits, though the documentation for that was challenging too, but we did it. Is there any chance she has LT care insurance or (if funds ar that tight) qualifies for military aid and assistance (mine did not qualify). There may be ways to improve her cashflow so she doesnt feel so desperate to get out. I am not a fan of reverse mortgages brecause of the huge up front fees, but its a possibility if push comes to shove.</p>
<p>Also, she should consider the climate of her old hometown. If its in an area with bad weather, that will be a detriment. Agree too that it is too soon to make a big decisions. She lost her husband and could now lose all her nearby friends. She needs to think carefully about that. Hang in there.</p>
<p>Just something to think about from your Mom’s perspective: most major appliances do have a life expectancy of about 15 years. (We replaced all of our kitchen appliances and water heater, repainted, and had major work done on our furnace and AC between years 15-20 after our house was built. Reroofing is due year 21.) If the house she’s in was newly built when bought 15 years ago, and the stove, dishwasher, furnace, AC, water heater, roof, etc. haven’t been replaced it’s not unlikely that that house has some major expenses coming due in the next five years, which your Mom may not be in a position to handle. Her financial concerns sound entirely valid to me. That “asset” may be a net liability over the time frame relevant to her life. </p>
<p>As to what community she wants to live in - she’s likely to know better than you what will make her happiest, and who she considers her truest friends. The elderly relatives I’ve helped over the years seem to find more in those old ties than the newer friendships they may have made more recently. (Sometimes the deepest friendships we have are those that are forged in our youths.)</p>
<p>My parents moved from their long time community a few years ago, to be near us. Once Dad died, we really notice how tough it is for Mom with no friends here. But, there are also very few friends left in the old town and it’s only been about 5 years. When you are 80+ your friends are dying, they are infirm & getting dementia, and they are moving away to be near their kids.</p>
<p>I would strongly suggest she go visit the old town with another person there to observe. If she is visiting, that will be more special than living there so people will make more than their usual effort. Is she yearning for something which no longer exists?</p>
<p>As to the current community, if she has friends and is familiar driving, that is the best way to go, unless there is a strong family presence in the old town.</p>
<p>My mother is healthy and mentally all (mostly?) there, but does not drive and seems a bit shy about approaching new situations (senior center), she’ll do it, but doesn’t like it. I would love for her to find a little gaggle of ladies to play cards with and talk about me :D</p>
<p>Can her mortgage be refinanced for a lower interest rate? I highly recommend you get involved with her finances, my mother has been great about, thank God, because she could not do it on her own.</p>
<p>Thanks so much. This is exactly what I need. I think her reasoning in moving is financial and it would be closer to where I and my sibling live. Right now it’s 500 miles from me and in a town that is not easy or inexpensive to fly to. She also has one sister for sure who lives within an hour and another sister who might stay in the area (they are recently retired and considering where they will permanently locate to). So I do understand why she wants to move closer to family and some friends. </p>
<p>My parents have just had a track record of making bad financial decisions. I know it’s her life and her decision but it’s hard when it feels like it might impact you. She is very mentally there and may live a good long time. She is prone to making rash decisions and you can not talk her out of anything. That’s the hardest part. Seeing her make decisions which you don’t agree with and there is nothing you can do.</p>
<p>kluge, thank you. She may be right. I just wish she could wait a little bit and see if the market improves. It may not but hopefully won’t get worse. My mom has tons of friends that I can see, plays bridge on an almost full time basis, volunteers and works out. Goes out all the time.</p>
<p>She is going to visit her old town in the next month. Says she will look for apartments when she is there. I guess if she had the money I wouldn’t care where she lived and closer to me would be better to manage. I don’t believe that she could rent her house and move. The costs of moving and then moving back if she didn’t like it would be too expensive in her current financial climate. Not sure if she could refinance, it might be an option.</p>
<p>Some of the senior communities do not allow renting out the property. But they may allow a “roommate” situation. Would she consider having a roommate who could help defer expenses? </p>
<p>We were fortunately able to refi my dads house back several years ago when its value was much higher (20% higher than we sold it for) and he still had some assets back then that helped qualify him for the mortgage. We were able to pull cash out to help him with his cashflow problem so we didnt have to keep lending him money. That said, we travelled up there a lot , paid for a lot and did everything for him because it was the right thing to do, and fortunately we were able to do so.</p>
<p>I think the idea of taking her for a visit to the old community, take a look at the apartments she could reasonably afford and see who is still there are all great ideas. Is it near you or your sibling?</p>
<p>Honestly this has nothing to do with my mom moving. It has to do with now that my dad has died, I feel responsible for her. When dad was alive they made decisions and he was there as the voice of reason when she fought with myself or my sister. Now I feel like it’s just me and I feel alone and frustrated. And responsible for her. She lives in a great place, and has tons of friends and does tons of stuff. She’s a the grass is always greener somewhere else. If she could afford to move, great, fine. No problems. If her house was just worth what they paid for it, I wouldn’t have a problem. But it’s not and their savings are depleted. </p>
<p>Sorry, I’m think I’m having a bad week (month). H while a great person is not good with this kind of stuff.</p>
<p>I would see of I could convene a meeting of the three sisters together… It strikes me that they might want to live near each other, or even share a place in one location? Certainly, there should be discussions if they get along with each other about how and where they want to live out their remaining years.</p>
<p>OP - you don’t say if you are good with figures and budgeting. If not, you might want to look into pro bono financial planning groups (start w your local CPA society) to work through the numbers. </p>
<p>You say the house is worth 50% of what they paid and there is still a mortgage. What % of your value estimate is the mortgage? What % of your mom’s monthly income does the mortgage payment & taxes represent? I agree with the previous comment that she should consider refinancing if the rate is too high. (off track rant…retirees should NOT have mortgage debt). If she owes more on the house than it’s worth, she could consider walking away from it. </p>
<p>After this, you need to sit down with her and look at income & expenses to get an understanding if she can afford the current house. I also agree with the posters that say that 15 years is a reasonable life span for many mechanical things around the house. </p>
<p>She may remember what the old neighborhood was like, but chances are, after 15 years, it has changed radicaly and she will not be happy.</p>
<p>OP, your concerns are certainly valid, but so are your mother’s. Living in a house alone is a huge amount of work, a huge amount of money, and can be lonely, scary and even depressing. She’s right that things will be starting to break down and need to be replaced. You’re looking at the weather and at your savings, while she’s looking at a money pit. When one lives alone in a house, the reality is that there’s no one to call or even with whom to commiserate when the water heater stops working at 4 am, or a tree falls on the corner of the house, or the lawn guy decides he doesn’t want to show up. It can be a drag. In an apartment, you just call the super, and your costs are less variable.</p>