<p>My inlaws are age 97 and 88. They have always been remarkably active. It is a second marriage of 27 years duration. They were never close and things have been very rocky for the last 10 years. My FIL (97) is physically in decent health for his age but comes in and out mentally and is emotionally volatile. Even with the help of a caregiver in the home, his needs and care have become too much for my MIL to handle and the difficult decision has been made by his children (with acceptance by my MIL) to place him in a nursing home.</p>
<p>They are currently in FL for the winter. The nursing home is in FL, which is close to one of his two children, and my MIL plans to return to her home state in CT for the summer months, which is within a couple of hours of her three children and their families. She will travel to visit him every 4-6 weeks. </p>
<p>No one I know has experienced this sort of long-distance nursing home arrangement, and I am trying to anticipate the various issues that need to be considered as things unfold over the next month or so, and beyond. In particular, I want to be responsive to my MIL’s emotional and other needs during the transition as she deals with a long-distance marriage, the sense of leaving her husband behind, living on her own, and dealing with the uncertainty of what will happen in the upcoming months. (Most of the logistics are being handled by my FIL’s children.) Your insights are welcome. Thank you.</p>
<p>No insights, but my heart goes out to you and your spouse. So difficult to support both the health needs as well as the autonomy needs.</p>
<p>To me it sounds as though each of these elders feels they can depend more upon their own children than their second spouse. In what ways do you feel that you need to be “emotionally responsive” to your MIL? Is she asking you for anything particularly, or is it just your sense of what family should feel like if the circumstances were different? </p>
<p>WOndering if the other set of “children” and you could begin to communicate by email and form some kind of larger web for them both. Perhaps just knowing what’s going on in the life of your MIL during the summer months (through her children if not through her) would make you feel appropriately connected.</p>
<p>My MIL is not asking for anything in particular- at this point she is just trying to process the situation and is not able to think ahead. </p>
<p>p3t, I like your use of the word “web” and will try to set up some sort of email news update to help the various family members stay in touch.</p>
<p>One issue in this may eventually involve your mother-in-laws’ ability to continue to make repeated visits to Florida down the line to visit her husband. She is already 88 and unfortunately may not be able to travel regularly if her condition should deteriorate. As someone else has said, it sounds like both parents are at this point relying more on their adult children and are willing to be separated from each other. Will she be okay with potentially not being able to get to her husband at some point if she is no longer able to travel long distances?</p>
<p>Good luck with the email web. Looking down the road, if you find you are disappointed in the amount of interest your MIL’s kids show in the issues relevant to your FIL’s needs, try not to reroute your energy in that direction. They might view their job as taking care of their own mother. One thing they might watch for is whether her own health (mental and physical) improves or deteriorates without regular visits to her husband. It would also be great if she had some measure of control over her resources to decide whether she is able to travel, and keep being creative about solutions. A grandchild could drive her if she can’t fly; someone from either family could spend time with her in Florida so she’s not alone, and so on. I wondered about the property in Connecticut, and whether it might be wiser to sell that to free up her money so she can travel as long as she wishes to, without depending on her own kids to make that decision for her. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, you might need to challenge your own H’s family to ramp up their concept of what it means to take care of the FIL without her nearby. Although his actual physical care might be better and safer with him in a nursing home, there might be new roles for your H’s family to play in terms of regular visits, more long-distance contact, advocacy for him in the home, and urging him to treat staff respectfully to minimize conflicts and receive the best possible care. </p>
<p>If there’s a nursing home staff person who deals with family concerns, she might have some experience or tips for how to handle two families in diverse locations. They’ve seen it all, I’m sure.</p>
<p>I know this is a challenging adjustment for everyone. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>sevmom, the travel might get to be too much, but at present my MIL has a lot of vitality and energy for her age. She spends half the year in FL so the separation will be for about 6 months of the year. Her health at present should allow her to travel to FL every few weeks until she returns for the winter season. After that we will have to see.</p>
<p>pt3, good insights and thank you. Perhaps having different family members accompany her to FL each time will provide companionship as well as rare one-on-one quality time. The financial situation needs to be looked at. And I think there will be new roles for many of us.</p>
<p>We’ve had two instances of distant nursing home choices in our family. I’m only the grandaughter/neice, so really had no say in the matter. One case involved keeping Grandma in the area where she has always lived, even though her children were living 8 hours away, by car. The other family member suffered from Alzheimers. This woman, my aunt, had been a true “lady” all of her life and due to this disease, had turned physically and emotionally volatile. Many nursing homes would not even take her or had to ask the family to leave their facility, when they felt they couldn’t handle her. Both ended up in rural-area nursing homes, where the care seemed very good compared to what I’d seen in some of the nursing homes in large metropolitan areas. Family members took turns going to visit.</p>