<p>Let’s just say that I did find out about D’s sexual activity the old-fashioned way: I came home from work early…</p>
<p>In the long run, the whole experience brought us much closer. Weird, huh?</p>
<p>We have been open with both of our kids, who are now 25 and 28; they know our views of sex, drugs and alcohol. My husband and I gave them the tools they needed; it was their job to use them. Both are currently in a committed relationship, and my son’s will most likely end in marriage. When he was bringing the girl home to meet us, and they also were visiting her parents in another state, I asked him if the girl would prefer to sleep in his sister’s room or his room. My son was floored that I would allow them to sleep in the same room while here. Again, he is 28 and she is 30; they are professionals and support themselves. I didn’t see a need to pretend they didn’t sleep together at home. The girls parents made my son stay in the guest room, and that is fine; their house, their rule. When I was telling my daughter that was son was surprised, it turns out she was also surprised. I then told her I would allow her to bring her boyfriend home to stay in her room whenever she wanted; again I got a surprised reaction. First off, I thought my kids knew me better than that, and second of all, they are all adults, so I really thought they would have know our views.</p>
<p>“I guess that explains all the old priests and nuns who never do anything and are always bitter and depressed.”
-Well, maybe some of them do and others do not. The only nun I ever knew in my life was definitely very bitter person who affected all around her in a very negative way. However, id does not mean that it was coming from the lack of sex, I simply do not know, it is just funny how she fitted the description so accurately.</p>
<p>When my kids were children (under 18), I had a parent/child relationship with them. I didn’t think they should be having sex. If they did, they were not forthcoming about it. Although, I did educate them about safe sex, etc. My S is gay, so I asked gay married friends of ours to have a 2nd talk with him about things specific to the gay community. </p>
<p>After my kids turned (or will turn) 18, I try to have an adult/adult relationship with them. I trust them to make their own decisions, whether or not they reflect my values. I hope they have learned from me, but I know that I did many things that my parents wouldn’t have approved of, and I survived (older and wiser). More than anything, I choose to respect them and their decisions, and not to let my feelings for them be distorted by conflicting values.</p>
<p>As the mother of two twenty somethings and a teen and aunt to another 6 in that age range, all I can say is that it depends on the kid, as even in the same family what works for one might not work for another. My own older ones took two different paths with differing levels of success. </p>
<p>My several nieces are all over the map on this, again, even within the same family. One niece has never dated, her sister has a string of disappointing relationships because her expectations are way too high-you’re not going to find the perfect man, and she thinks she can. Of the two teenage nephews, both date a little, but one is focused on school and the other with his EC’s and are more likely to be part of a group than dating, or hooking up. I don’t know of any kids who do all the hooking up I keep hearing about.</p>
<p>My personal philosophy is that waiting until marriage is old fashioned and limiting, especially for those for whom marriage is not an option, for example, gay men and women in most states. However, MATURITY is VERY important, and that’s the message I’ve given to my kids-that you understand yourself and your needs in life before clouding things with getting serious with another person. I also have always told them that there is no dumb or bad question-if you ask, I will do my best to answer non-judgmentally or I will try to find out if it’s something I don’t understand. </p>
<p>As for thinking/hoping our kids don’t have sex-my father was a pharmacist in a “good” neighborhood with involved parents of kids in “good” schools. I worked for him once I turned 16. Let me tell you that kids have sex. A lot. At young ages. Even when we’ve taught otherwise. Teen pregnancies, teen birth control, teen incest, teen rape-it’s all there in all socio-economic groups and at much younger ages than we’d like to think. Even my youngest D knows someone who was pregnant at 12, even with involved parents and a “good” upbringing. So telling them to wait and/or pretending they WILL wait, always, at all costs, is just kidding ourselves.</p>
<p>I prefer making sure they know where I stand and have the tools to make informed decisions. I hope that they will come to me (and they have) for help if they need it. I would feel I had failed if they thought I would “freak” or be “very, very sad” etc.and thus didn’t come to me and turned to friends (or an internet forum) instead.</p>
<p>For those who are sexually mature and healthy, the desire to have sexual contact is as strong and as persistent as the drive to find shelter or feed hunger.</p>
<p>While a healthy adult can certainly wait until marriage to have intercourse, there are many other outlets for sexual expression and oftentimes it seems a case of * everything but* so they can feel they stayed true to their vow.</p>
<p>Pre-marital sex is hardly a new thing, ask your grandparents, or great-grandparents. 
</p>
<p>[The</a> moral case for sex before marriage | Jill Filipovic | Comment is free | guardian.co.uk](<a href=“http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/sep/24/moral-case-for-sex-before-marriage]The”>The moral case for sex before marriage | Jill Filipovic | The Guardian)</p>
<p>In religious communities with an injunction against pre-marital sex, the age for first marriage is often quite young compared to us heathens. 
( if you don’t want adults to have sex, keep them separated- burqas are also reportedly very effective)</p>
<p>What ultimately is a more rash decision, planning to have sex before you are married, or getting married just so you can have sex?</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, I think your comments are pretty offensive and closed-minded. Just because that’s your ‘normal’ doesn’t make it everyone else’s, and some people don’t put having sex in the same category as sleeping and drinking (as you implied when you compared it to other areas of development) but actually believe that deep emotional attachment should come first. </p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t even consider it before marriage, and I am in my mid-20’s. It has nothing to do with religion or some outside power (I live on my own and am extremely independent) but everything to do with my personal values. I know at least three more people (all in their mid-20’s) who share this view (and it’s absolutely NOT an “everything but” sort of commitment). One for religious reasons, the other two for personal-value reasons. All have had or currently have relationships and are good, productive members of society. NONE are bitter. In fact, one of them is the most kind, compassionate, giving person that I have ever met, and I always tell her that whatever man she ends up with is going to be very, very lucky. She has had several serious boyfriends, and all respected her choice.</p>
<p>Believe it or not, some of us are not interested in having the sexual experience with someone unless we are committed to them for life, either through marriage or through some other form of commitment.</p>
<p>Personally, I have heard opnions like yours, and I don’t really care, but it does make me sad that some people (especially younger ones that are still not very confident of who they are) are afraid of being ridiculed or called not ‘normal’ for what they believe. That’s the only reason I am even responding to this nonsense.</p>
<p>Oh well, ultimately, it’s your loss for being so judgmental.</p>
<p>And P.S., neither myself nor the other people I mentioned are in any rush to get married. As I mentioned, we are all probably past the average U.S. marriage age, and no one ran out and got married, just so they can have sex.</p>
<p>I agree with what most of sseamom said, in general terms.</p>
<p>Even though I was “very sad” over my oldest daughter’s decision, she still came to me. We still discussed it rationally, and our relationship is not harmed. Love that kid.</p>
<p>acollegestudent–</p>
<p>I think the important thing is to know where YOU stand on the subject and to stay true to yourself on this.</p>
<p>So, good for you for having this sense of self and for knowing what you would or would not be comfortable with. I see this with my own two kids. They both have very different feelings about this, and I think as long as you are comfortable with it, that is all that matters.</p>
<p>It is a very personal thing. Nobody should impose their own theories about intimacy on other people. I completely agree.</p>
<p>"MiamiDAP, I think your comments are pretty offensive and closed-minded. Just because that’s your ‘normal’ doesn’t make it everyone else’s, and some people don’t "
-Wait, OP is asking for a personal opinion, should I lie? What is a sense in liying? You share or you shut up. Although you have no right to shut me up, I will, I do not care one way or another, I always obey the pushy, that is my personal philosophy, it makes no differenc to anybody at the end anyway.</p>
<p>Exactly, Poetgrl! I think, as long as they are not hurting anyone, people should be able to be true to their values, whatever they may be, without being put down by others for being different or labled not ‘normal’.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, I didn’t tell you to “shut up”. I told you you were closed-minded for labeling a whole bunch of people not ‘normal’ in their development for personal choices. You are free to express your opinion. And I am free to tell you it’s closed-minded and offensive.</p>
<p>emeraldkity,</p>
<p>LOL - some adults can abstain from sex without being separated from each other or wearing burquas!!!</p>
<p>I’m glad it’s a free country, and everyone gets to decide how to handle their own adult sexuality. Even MY kids if they disagree with me.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Don’t need to. I can do math! (And the inclusion of my eldest uncle in my grandparents’ wedding pictures was also a pretty good sign too.) :D</p>
<p>Sunday was a big day for weddings in Seattle.
[Same-sex</a> weddings usher in new era in Washington state | Local News | The Seattle Times](<a href=“http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2019872414_weddings10m.html]Same-sex”>http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2019872414_weddings10m.html)
:D</p>
<p>acollegestudent - doth protest too much. I also read MiamiDap’s post as a personal opinion and I reread the posts after you posted your protest. Perhaps Miamidap should have used the word usual instead of “normal” and unusual instead of abnormal, but I think that is splitting hairs.</p>
<p>Acollegestudent, there are people all over the spectrum of sexuality, some consider themselves asexual, and that condition may be just as healthy " for them", as others who happen to have a stronger drive.</p>
<p>However, I have observed some who previously considered themselves asexual, who apparently just hadn’t met the right person, so I don’t know what I think about that.</p>
<p>emeraldkity,</p>
<p>I don’t think you are, necessarily, but lumping all who are abstinent as a group who have a low drive would be a mistake.</p>
<p>There are many who have an EXTREMELY healthy drive, who are not in any way, asexual, who have decided to be abstinent.</p>
<p>Cromette, exactly. I am not talking about asexual people at all - just people making certain choices.</p>
<p>Momofthreeboys, considering that I have seen how people’s ignorance in this area affects others, I stand by my comments. Plus, I never take kindly to stereotyping, even when it doesn’t involve me or people I know.</p>
<p>For those who believe in abstaining until marriage or choose to do so, what if one partner winds up with a much different sex drive than the other? How is that reconciled? I know there is a lot more to a marriage than sex but sexual compatibility seems pretty important to me.</p>
<p>If my son is sexually active, my hope is that he is monogamous and safe. Since he is gay, I don’t worry about pregnancy (obviously!) but I do worry about a lot of other things, including his emotional well-being.</p>