<p>I feel strongly it’s best to wait until after HS. That most likely puts them into the 18+ range. After that, be informed, be careful, be kind and be discerning. And double dutch!</p>
<p>Double dutch lol. I like that.</p>
<p>I wasn’t particular thrilled when I knew my kids began having sex. So much to worry about these days with STDs not to mention unwanted preganancy. I remember with each, hoping beyond hope that I had done a good “job” talking about condoms, STDs and all that. But the reality is that it was not MY decision to make and I was certainly doing the same thing when I was slightly older than them. And EK I have you beat by a day. And we’re still married, also.</p>
<p>I’ll say it again: ya’ll are some cool parents.</p>
<p>Clearly, you have not sought my kids’ opinion.</p>
<p>(I will add, I don’t know whether my kids could have guessed my answer to this question. When they were little, I was fairly prudish–or at least, I acted that way. And while it would not surprise me if my kids were having sex during their late teens and early twenties, I don’t actually want to push them toward it, either. I don’t want them to get the impression that I’m saying, “You know, y’all should really go out and get some action!”)</p>
<p>I think there is a lot of casual sex in college and there is a lot of “relationship sex” in college too. I would MUCH prefer that my kids waited for marriage but I know that is very unlikely. If not marriage, I would hope that they waited for loving and committed long term relationships for sex. Not sure that is likely either, esp. for the older one (soph D in college). They both have had the birth control and STD information beaten into them at home and school, so I pray that those messages are firmly implanted when they might find themselves in certain (party, alcohol, unexpected “opportunities”) situations. The point I made to my D is that once she has sex with a boy, she will likely get more attached and therefore vulnerable, so that it is better to be sure he is thoughtful of her feelings first. I told her that I regret some of the casual situations I had at her age (it was the early 80s!). Who knows if it helped, but I needed to share those thoughts with her. Despite her financial dependence on me, she is 19 and is responsible for her choices. She has shared that two of her girlfriends had pregnancy scares last year; those scares might have done more to make her cautious than anything I ever could say.<br>
OP - there is good advice above in this thread about vaccines, birth control, etc. I hope it helps.</p>
<p>beachlover15, maybe one thing you can gather from the responses here is that your parents might not freak out as much as you think they would. The more things change, the more they stay the same, and most parents – regardless of religious affiliation – were sexually active by their early 20s, usually without marrying first. Not all of them are anxious to admit that to their children, especially when the children are in high school. And many feel compelled to present a party line about waiting until marriage. But no one, not even those who DID wait until marriage, is going to be shocked to learn that a 20 year-old is sexually active.</p>
<p>I have a relative exactly my age, with whom I am pretty close, who with his wife is a pretty strong fundamentalist Christian. They were rueful, but hardly surprised, when their older daughter admitted she was having sex with a “fiance” at 22. What shocked them was that their younger daughter did actually wait for marriage at 24. What I know – and their daughters do not – is that they were in the two-three days category when they met at age 20.</p>
<p>My friend’s son was not very popular in high school. When he went off to college he blossomed, shall we say. He told his mother all the girls he was meeting in college. Without going into details my friend knew what he was saying. She just quietly said to him, “I would like to think that you are in a relationship before you become intimate with someone. I don’t care if it is just days. We have brought you up to be better.”</p>
<p>In a short while, this young man started to date someone. Of course, the girl broke his heart in few months.</p>
<p>Point of my post is that whether we have a daughter or a son, it is ok for us to let our kids know our moral values when it comes to sex or personal relationship. They may make their own decisions, but what we tell them could be a benchmark.</p>
<p>I told my kids, who happen to be girls, that I thought it was better to have sex within the context of a monogomous, committed relationship. I think they both agreed since both tend to be in committed relationships when they are not “dating” and in the process of “finding someone.”</p>
<p>I think oldest did not wait til college for sex. I think youngest is waiting, just based on what I can see of how she is with her boyfriend. I put both girls on the pill at 16, so we don’t have to get into the intimate details, and they know about safe sex practices. H actually talked to them about carrying condoms and making sure guys use them. </p>
<p>Let me tell you how much he did not enjoy that talk. 
He felt it would be better from him, though. He said things like, “Guys will try not to wear them. Don’t listen.” etc…</p>
<p>he looked green after each one and had to go take a nap.</p>
<p>We’ve always been really open with our kids about such things. There was never “the talk”, there were multiple talks and often. We answered their questions when asked, and gave them age appropriate information as we went along. It’s not awkward or strange for us to talk about it with them, and I don’t think it’s TERRIBLY awkward for them to talk to us about it IN GENERAL TERMS. When it gets to personal, and specific information, sometimes they discuss it with ME, not my H, and it varies from kid to kid. Some are more open about it than others. As one would expect, it’s usually the one(s) that are most aligned with our views on the topic that are the most open about it. They’re all smart kids, and they all know the dangers associated, and how to mitigate, etc…so we don’t feel the need to dwell on it or worry about it TOO much.</p>
<p>Not sure I agree that your parents may not freak. I have a bff who is totally opposed to premarital sex and is freaking that her ds may have sex with his gf. They’re both 20. I don’t see, personally, the problem as they are in a committed relationship. I keep trying to reassure her that the world will not end if she learns that they are having sex, but she is really clinging to the hope that they aren’t.</p>
<p>YDS, I’m not saying the parents WOULDN’T freak, but they certainly might not. I’m pretty sure my kids THINK I would probably freak. But I’d say your friend’s reaction is in the minority…even for fundamentals. I am also TOTALLY opposed to premarital sex. I REALLY REALLY would hope my kids wait, and if they don’t, and I know about it, I’ll be very very sad.</p>
<p>But I would not “freak” if they were. If they were to tell me they were, I would probably say something like, “Well, you know how I feel about that. I think it’s very unwise, and I wish you would not do that. I would hope you guys would pray about that decision.” and then I’d give them a hug, isolate for a few hours to recover and pray and then get on with life.</p>
<p>We can’t control what others (even our children) do. What is the value in “freaking”? What good does it do? We don’t convince others by freaking out, and it only serves to alienate the ADULT kid.</p>
<p>My best friend is CONVINCED that none of her three daughters (age 23, 20 and 18) are having sex. My D1 & D2 (who are friends with the three) assure me that they ALL are having sex, but have agreed that it is best “not to tell Mom”. The mom is a physician… and I am actually pretty sure she would not freak out too much, at least about the older ones. I am pretty sure the kids are all being responsible about birth control, etc., so I don’t feel any worry about this.</p>
<p>"Parents, let’s be honest: how would you react if you found out your child had become sexually active? "
-What age are we talking about?<br>
Despite of ancient examples, I do not approve 14 y o as an example. But, let’s be honest: if a 23 y o is NOT sexually active, i do not see it as normal, I call it abnormal and would be actually concerned about un-healthy developments. We eat, we sleep, we have sex as NORMAL human beings. There are deviations from normality though.</p>
<p>My boyfriend’s parents are absolutely convinced that their “good son” is not sexually active. They have grudgingly accepted the fact that two of their sons are since both my bf and his oldest brother live with their SOs, but the middle son is the good Catholic boy and he’s waiting until marriage. </p>
<p>He’s the only one of the bunch who has had more than one sex partner and the only one who has had “casual sex”. </p>
<p>But I definitely know parents who would freak. I’ve seen it happen. I think my parents would have been uncomfortable with how early I started having sex, but considering that I know when they started having sex and it was around the same age, they wouldn’t have said much. They trusted me though and since I’ve been on the pill since I was a young teen due to PCOS, I don’t think they ever felt the need to worry.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, I know it’s not normal if a 23 year old is not active…but we’ve never been much on “normal” at our house. 
Eating and sleeping are things you need to do to live. Believe it or not, and despite what some will tell you, you won’t die from lack of sex! LOL</p>
<p>My H was “pure” at 35 when we got married. He’s fine. No arrested development or anything. It was just his choice.</p>
<p>I just don’t want OP to be lulled into a sense of overconfidence in his/her parents’ ability to accept the news that their child is sexually active. He/she knows them best, and if they’ve made abstinence a huge deal, then chances are it’s a huge deal to them. We never have, though we’ve talked about waiting until they were out of HS. I’d be disappointed but not shocked to discover that they hadn’t waited until they were at least 18.</p>
<p>“you won’t die from lack of sex”
-I disagree. Some people will and other will not. It depends. Intimacy is in hierarchy of needs, we are part of animal world and say that nobody will die is incorrect. Mental state of mind is important and viewing sex as strictly physical activity is overly simplistic view. OK, maybe very few will die, however, many will be unhappy and even depressed and spread their unhappiness to others, it is inevitable.</p>
<p>I guess that explains all the old priests and nuns who never do anything and are always bitter and depressed. </p>
<p>That was sarcasm. Nuns are some of the happiest people I know. </p>
<p>Miami, I think you’re stretching big time here. Not everyone needs or even wants sex. Not everyone needs physical intimacy in that way. Not everyone can even have sex.</p>
<p>YDS, understood. I know all mine made it to 18. I know one didn’t make it much past that point. The other two are currently 18 & 20 - both currently waiting. The 20 year old is in a committed relationship with a like minded person. They are both very committed to waiting.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, I’m not talking about a lifetime without sex…I’m talking about waiting for marriage. Never heard of ANYONE dying from waiting, but I admit, I am certainly not all-knowing. Of course it’s not only a physical activity! If it were, I’d have very few problems with my kids having protected sex. It’s the emotional, mental and spiritual bit that is the MOST concerning to me. I think there is more harm to come from HAVING sex than not outside of marriage at any age. But again, that’s our teaching, our viewpoint and our opinion.</p>
<p>People who have had sex outside of marriage can also be unhappy, depressed, and spread unhappiness to others.</p>