Zach's essay critique thread PART II

College Admissions
#1

<p>3, 2, 1, GO! We ran, and then dove. It wasn’t the dive into the cool water of the Red Cedar River that forever changed my life, but it was the log that was about a foot below the surface.
There was blood everywhere; It covered the front of my white t-shirt, my hands, and my face. It was as if somebody exploded a can of red paint right in front of me. I could feel that the front of my mouth had been pushed back a couple inches and I could feel my front teeth pushing down on the bottom of my mouth. My friends, who later told me I was laughing as I was spitting out teeth, helped me to safety.
Fast forward… I’m on the blue stretcher in an ambulance racing the twenty or so miles to the hospital. “You’re really lucky to be alive.” The words of the man trying to put an IV in my arm in the bumpy ambulance echoed through my mind.
Pretty soon after that I was lying in one of those awesome hospital beds with the remote control that seems to have a button for everything. Unfortunately on this particular trip to the hospital I didn’t get to fully enjoy the hospital bed experience because there was the possibility that I might be paralyzed and the fact that I had to call the nurse in every five minutes to use one of those dentist suction tubes for your spit. It always puts a smile on my face when I’m spitting into that tube at the dentist, but when I was spitting a mouthful of blood into that suction tube in the emergency room, it just wasn’t as enjoyable.
The oral surgeon came in. The good news was that I wasn’t paralyzed. The bad news was that I had lost 6 teeth, and I would have to sit on that cold hard stainless steel “bed” for the next couple hours while they pulled my gums up and sewed them back in place. One of the last things my oral surgeon said before the surgery started was that if I had hit that log an inch or two higher or lower, there was a good chance I would have broken my neck.
My accident was a bridge in my life, on one side was my old life, and on the other side of the bridge was the point in my life that I started living. After my accident I realized I was given a second chance at life. I have lived my life with no regrets. I have put my best effort into everything I do, whether it be academics, friendships, leadership, or athletics. However, there is one lesson that towers above every other change I have undergone since that fateful day in May: I learned to enjoy life itself.</p>

<p>OK i changed the last paragraph for all you haters out there :) I'm JK, i am so thankful for those of you who critiqued my essay, so here is my second draft, tell me what you think.</p>

#2

<p>It is better, there are is awkward phrasing though...</p>

#3

<p>where is the awkward phrasing</p>

#4

<p>"My accident was a bridge in my life, on one side was my old life, and on the other side of the bridge was the point in my life that I started living."</p>

<p>My accident was a bridge in my life. On one end had been my old outlook on life, on the other, I began living.</p>

<p>BTW, the bridge analogy... doesn't... fit so well with me for some strange reason. I guess because bridges CONNECT things and link things, they don't cause CHANGE, a drastic change at that.</p>

<p>"However, there is one lesson that towers above every other change I have undergone since that fateful day in May: I learned to enjoy life itself."</p>

<p>There was one change that towered above all the rest. Since that fateful day in May, I had learned to enjoy the gift of life.</p>

#5

<p>oops. excuse me:</p>

<p>My accident was a bridge in my life. On one end had been my old self, on the other, I had begun living.</p>

#6

<p>maybe my accident was a river in my life</p>

#7

<p>RIVER? no no... that's even worse.</p>

#8

<p>hah ok i like bridge, maybe it's a drawbridge! :)</p>

#9

<p>Ok i changed a bit of my essay </p>

<p>3, 2, 1, GO! We ran, and then dove. It wasn’t the dive into the cool water of the Red Cedar River that forever changed my life, but it was the log that was about a foot below the surface.
There was blood everywhere; It covered the front of my white t-shirt, my hands, and my face. It was as if somebody had exploded a can of red paint right in front of me. I could feel that the front of my mouth had been pushed back a couple inches and I could feel my front teeth pushing down on the bottom of my mouth. My friends, who later told me I was laughing as I was spitting out teeth, helped me to safety.
Fast forward… I’m on the blue stretcher in an ambulance racing the twenty or so miles to the hospital. “You’re really lucky to be alive.” The words of the man trying to put an IV in my arm in the bumpy ambulance echoed through my mind.
Pretty soon after that I was lying in one of those awesome hospital beds with the remote control that seems to have a button for everything. Unfortunately, on this particular trip to the hospital I didn't get to fully enjoy the hospital bed experience because there was a possibility that I might be paralyzed. Also a nuisance was the fact that I had to call the nurse in every five minutes to use one of those dentist suction tubes used for your spit. I always manage to smile when I'm spitting into that tube when it's held by a dentist; however, when I was spitting a mouthful of blood into the suction tube in the emergency room, I just couldn’t find it in me to conjure a smile.
The oral surgeon came in. The good news was that I wasn’t paralyzed. The bad news was that I had lost 6 teeth, and I would have to sit on that cold hard stainless steel “bed” for the next couple hours while they pulled my gums up and sewed them back in place. One of the last things my oral surgeon said before the surgery started was that if I had hit that log an inch or two higher or lower, there was a good chance I would have broken my neck.
My accident was a bridge in my life. On one end had been my old self, on the other, I had begun living. After my accident I realized I was given a second chance at life. I have lived my life with no regrets. I have put my best effort into everything I do, whether it be academics, friendships, leadership, or athletics. There was one change that towered above all the rest. Since that fateful day in May, I had learned to enjoy the gift of life.</p>

#10

<p>I think your last paragraph needs to be written in the present (not past) tense. I am also not sure about the bridge. You should try to come up with a better metaphor, or maybe just call it a turning point or something like that.</p>

#11

<p>The bridge would work if it was clear that you changed how you live, your life view. Were you reckless before? Did the accident mature you?
Most people who face death find that it alters their sense of life, that they realize how limited our time can be, and decide to go all out in their endeavors, be less frivilous with how they use time,...
anyway, IMO, you need more about the change</p>