<p>OP - My sympathies on your most uncomfortable situation. But …</p>
<p>This is really your S’s issue. As many others have suggested, he should approach the coach and ask what he needs to do to get more playing time. This is a life skill, one that will serve him well in the future. Your role is to encourage him to do this.</p>
<p>You say he has been playing with current teammates for a dozen years. If he values his relationships with these guys, he can honor them by staying with the team and doing his best to support his teammates. HS occurs only once, so this will be his ONLY opportunity to cement his reputation with these guys. I’ve been in his place, so I speak with first-hand experience on this point.</p>
<p>Agree w/thumper. Different kids have different reasons for playing sports. </p>
<p>Ds2 played four different sports for his middle school. Only one was his true passion. He was a starter and got lots of playing time (unfortunately, that team had the worst coach). One sport was a true love, but he knew he was too small to continue it (basketball) for long. But he loved the non-pressure of being on the B team, and he loved the guys and the coach. Another sport was one he just picked up because he liked the camaraderie and conditioning he received. He really liked the coach and enjoyed all the time spent on practices and training, even though he hardly played his seventh-grade year (got more playing time in eighth grade). The last sport was a club sport that was all about conditioning and social aspects as it was a co-ed team.</p>
<p>I get the sense that OP’s ds really loves his sport if he’s been playing it for a dozen years, but, as others have said, this is really his “battle” to fight. It’s on him to talk to the coach, and we as parents should support their decisions. I know when it comes to college talk on here we like to say “Love the kid on the couch,” but I’ve found that’s good advice for multiple aspects of parenting. If he can’t bring himself to be his own advocate, you can’t make him.</p>
<p>sports can be brutal during junior high and high school years. my son chose gymnastics as a favorite sport when he was in elementary and junior high. he participated on the local traveling teams for basketball and baseball as well, but he did make gymnastics his primary focus. that kind of set him apart from some of the other kids. sometimes the coaches of the local teams would smirk and giggle about his gymnastics. </p>
<p>during junior high and the first part of high school, he gave up gymnastics (well, he was more than a foot taller than the coach by then) and committed himself to his junior high and high school teams. the stigma of gymnastics stuck with him and all of the coaches favored the kids that had played the most when younger. my son sat through many games but he was determined to participate and determined to show the coaches that he could work as hard and be as good as anyone else.</p>
<p>fast forward…to a kid who plays very little in a small school in a small school conference for the first two years of high school. junior year–all conference in three sports. senior year–all conference in 5 sports and all state in one. recruited heavily for one sport, mildly for some other sports. </p>
<p>my point…coaches and playing time are a stickler for almost everyone. a kid has to decide what level of frustration he can take. some kids want to give up. some want to hang in there and try to prove something. neither one is right. what is right is what is right for each child. </p>
<p>why is he playing soccer? that might answer the question of what to do in this situation.</p>
<p>(1) Tons-o-sympathy. We’ve come across a few coaches over the years (from rec to hs to club to college) who we really wanted to kneecap.</p>
<p>(2) That said, DH is an assistant coach for our highest-level club teams and, honestly, sometimes the coaches <em>forget</em> to put a player in. They really do. Particularly if it’s a group of kids they don’t know well.</p>
<p>(3) DH and I have been amused at the difference between soccer and lacrosse benches. In lacrosse, everyone is standing, trying to get close to the coach, which perhaps will remind him that they’re there and would like to play. Soccer, on the other hand, is all about actually sitting down and being well-behaved. (One spring our youngest was playing both and we looked across the field at a lax game and noticed he was the only one sitting down.) (He is more of a soccer player.) If he’s sitting at the opposite end of the bench from the coach, it doesn’t help his chances for getting in, I think.</p>
<p>(4) I don’t have to tell you many/most soccer coaches are looking at the guys during practice. They tend to play the ones who are working hard ALL THE TIME, not just during games.</p>
<p>(5) I’d echo that coaches r-e-a-l-l-y discourage complaints from parents, but at least give lip service to encouraging communication from their players. I mean, youth coaches really do enjoy interacting with the kids. I can totally see how a conversation would be hard for your son, but recommend he pick his moment (<em>after</em> practice)–I think the coach would rather a face-to-face than an e-mail. As hard as it would be for him, it would also be really good for him. (I have one very shy/quiet kid too. Interacting with teachers/coaches/counter people at McDonald’s is something they need to learn how to do.)</p>
<p>Depends on the coach! There is a horrible situation at our HS where a dad came to all the practices, kept stats and convinced the coach that his son was better than the guy who had the position at the time. Dad makes a large donation to the booster club. Coach has a new flat screen TV in his office and the dad’s kid has the position. </p>
<p>I’m not recommending this in the least, but it does happen.</p>
<p>I too have always felt that it is ‘way’ too political - I have watched parents jockey for position on behalf of kids in shameless ways - paying for this or that for the otherwise underpaid coach - doing work that the coach does not want to do - registration at events that require separate trips to and fro - even activitating the rumor mill when there is only a shred of truth about a ‘potential’ injury to keep a player from getting in the game… I believe that parents will advocate for their kids in ways that reflect that the competition is really theirs - much more so because in sports unlike the classroom - the parents actually do get to watch.</p>
<p>I effectively decided to opt out of the cycle of dinners, events and get togethers with the parents and just watch my kids. I did so with full knowledge that sometimes my kids were sidelined when others’ kids were not, not owing to talent but owing to my and my kids reserve. It is a tough road, and you have my sympathies.</p>
<p>There are parents who spend a lot of time at the school…I’m talking a whole lot of time…many are officers of the applicable booster club and under the auspices of their job are at the school, in front of the coach or director, several times a week, if not daily. It’s not just sports. Many of these parents practically become the coach or director’s personal assistant. How can you possibly look your personal assistant in the face if you refuse to play his kid or give her kid a part in the play?</p>
<p>Missypie - I conceed your point in the school environment, with respect to extracirriculars…I have seen the same dynamic play itself out on the field, on the stage, and at the selection for the next round of quiz bowl. Initially, I did not have the time to be one of ‘those’ parents due to work constraints; eventually, even observation of the shameless activities so turned my stomach that I had to say to my kids that the path was theirs to create, though I would give advice if asked, I would not be the coach’s assistant, the costume maker, nor the back up questioneer…</p>
<p>Sometimes, the bias and favoritism occurs without anyone realizing that it happens… that’s the hard part. </p>
<p>For the original OP, a club team with a coach that works is a partial answer…</p>
<p>Anothermom3, my oldest (eldest?) was almost all the way through HS before I realized that that sort of thing went on…I’ve only been at school during school hours for ARDS, teacher conferences, etc. It would not occur to me, even if I had a booster club position, to come to school almost every day. </p>
<p>Perhaps its better that most of us parents are in the dark…it is probably a better character developing experience to the child who doesn’t get the play time or doesn’t get a part in the show to think that someone else was just better, than to think that the child’s parent in some way “bought” the part or position for their child.</p>
<p>The soccer playing issue is one thing, but the bigger issue of speaking up to advocate for what you want is an essential life skill. Here is an opportunity for your son to develop this skill before he leaves home.</p>
<p>P.S. Wanted to add one more thing re: attending games where your kid does not play. Really depends on you and the team. I have sat at games where my kid was injured oe not playing much but we had a long-term relationship with the team and most of the kids on it, so watching them play was almost as good without my own child out there. However, also had a recent season that was going pretty miserably and I decided it just was not worth it to travel to the away games, so attended only home games for the second half of the season. I did clear this with the kid, who really could not have cared less (and probably was happier with his parents not watching his humiliation anyway).</p>