<p>My shy senior son is a third year varsity player in soccer. Last year, he was most valuable offensive player and high goal scorer. He started almost every game. We have our third new coach in three years- he’s known to be a good player and was an assistant coach at another
high school. From the sidelines, he seems to be a nice guy. So far my son’s playing time is:
10 minutes in the first game, 30 minutes in the second game and now zero minutes in two tournament games today. Up to now, my son imagined the coach would come to appreciate him. We’ve encouraged our son to talk to the coach, but so far he hasn’t. He seems paralyzed. As I said, my son is shy and has never been very good at promoting himself. Is there anything we can do as parents? It’s such a sad, almost humiliating situation for him.</p>
<p>Soccer is a tough sport; it seems so much more political than some of the others. I would have my son talk to the coach and ask what he could do differently, or perhaps there is an assistant coach who knows your son who might put in a good word. Parents getting involved is not usually well received.</p>
<p>My son likes to compete, but doesn’t like to practice, so when he is put in during a game (he plays lacrosse and is a distance runner) he usually surprises the coach. He isn’t great in practice, so they underestimate him. Perhaps your son feels discouraged by having three different coaches. And seniors have so many other things on their minds that it is hard to tell what is going on. I hope the situation improves.</p>
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<p>I feel your pain. Really. One of my kids is going through this exact same thing right now, and it is extremely discouraging. I feel so badly for your son!</p>
<p>We also have the very political environment around certain sports, and it is very hard on the kids who put heart and soul into their sports, perform very well, and then get summarily “dissed” for what appears to be no reason.</p>
<p>I know that at our school, the coaches always discourage anyone from talking to them about playing time. I don’t know how it is at your school. It’s definitely a “hands are tied” issue here.</p>
<p>My child is currently deciding what to do–whether to stick it out or just quit.</p>
<p>I don’t have any good advice, but you have my sympathy.</p>
<p>Is the new coach running a different system (4-3-3 vs. 4-4-2) than the old coach? Different playing systems require different thinking and reward different skills. Your son may need to adapt his playing style to suit the current system.</p>
<p>It’s still a 4-4-2… I think my main problem is with my son not talking to the coach much sooner. I worry that he can’t advocate for himself (especially for something he’s good at). I’d hate to see him quit…he’s played with this group of boys for twelve years. I’d love to see him have the courage to fight for himself.</p>
<p>You definitely have my sympathies. However, I’m not sure talking to the coach would do any good (would not have been the way to go in our system). It really just comes down to your son deciding if he enjoys the practices enough to stick with it even if he doesn’t get any playing time.</p>
<p>Our son had a horrible experience with his high school soccer team his senior year in terms of playing time–no idea why–and it made for a miserable time. He never got near the bench for his club team and was on the state ODP team, even making it to the US regionals camp (but not selected for a regional team). Then he couldn’t make the club team at his college, which devastated him. Now (a senior in college) he is living abroad in Brazil and playing a lot of soccer. He started by joining pick-up games in the park, got noticed and was invited to join a club team at the college. He was also invited to join a corporate sponsored team where he works part-time. </p>
<p>So, you have a kid who was a state level player and played on a competitive club team who sat on the bench for his mediocre high school team. This same kid couldn’t make the club team at his U.S. college (which is a good team), but is welcomed as a player in Brazil on multiple teams (that are arguably better than the US team he couldn’t make). And his story isn’t all that unique as other posters have pointed out. One of the players on our son’s club team who spent most of the game on the bench was a walk-on to a top ranked team in college, where he consistently scored goals.</p>
<p>My advice to your son is to tell him first and foremoast not to take it personally. Whether your son sticks it out or leaves depends on whether the benefit he gets from the practices make the pain of sitting on the bench during the games worthwhile. For our son, any chance he gets to touch a ball is a good day so he stayed with the team.</p>
<p>Is this a club team or school team? I thought the soccer season was over for the high schools.</p>
<p>Your son, if the season is still going on in any meaningful way, as in many games left, simply needs to go to the coach and ask what the coach wants to see in order for him to get more playing time.</p>
<p>That is the way it is done. Note I said “your son needs to talk” but I am aware from your post that you would never talk to the coach. No coach in the world will be upset by a kid who asks what he needs to do to get playing time. He’s not whining and he isn’t complaining or arguing. He’s just saying, “I want to play. What do YOU need from me.”</p>
<p>It will be viewed positively. Good luck.</p>
<p>How does your son feel about it? He’s the one bench warming. Sometimes kids don’t click with the coaches, or they are strong individual players but aren’t meshing with the or the coach is developing younger players by giving them more playing time or a dozen other things. He probably has a pretty good idea about what is going on. The Analyst is correct, he’ll probably either stick it or drop off the team, but really it’s about how he feels. Poetgrl is correct in her direction, that is the way kids need to handle the situation. Your son is a senior, if he is paralyzed to talk to the coach then let it go, he may not care because he is a senior or he may not have the fire in his belly to tackle the situation. You might be perceiving that he “feels humiliated” and he might not feel that way at all.</p>
<p>Many sports are political, not just soccer. My D did something similar to what poetgirl suggested, phrased it to a coach as what does she need to improve to see more playing time. She did it by e-mail because she is somewhat shy also and this kept the emotion out of it. It was well received, coach apologized for forgetting to put her in the previous game and suggested some things to work on. I’m sure this all depends on the coach and how interested he is in communication with the team.</p>
<p>Soccer is a winter sport in our part of the country. Analyst- I love the story about your son- playing for the joy of soccer. I would be thrilled with that kind of happy ending for my son. Sometimes that joy of playing seems to slowly seep away the longer kids play a sport. I guess another problem I’m having is the parents who do seem to play a jockeying for position game with every new coach- helping him by organizing team sweatshirts and team dinners etc., just to have lots of contact with coach. I’ve never had the stomach for that thing, but now I feel like maybe I should have. Also, as an aside, do I still go to the games when my son doesn’t play? It’s a pretty miserable experience to watch.</p>
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<p>I don’t have a sporting kid, but I’d say YES to this. You support your kid whether he has a starring role or not; let him know that!</p>
<p>DD was on the swim team and DS on the tennis team. Sometimes they didn’t play AT ALL. We still went to every home meet. And they were still members of the team. They went to every practice and every meeting and every game/match. They were part of the team regardless of their “playing time”. Neither of our kids were start athletes. We wanted them to look beyond the playing time and benefit from all of the other things that being on a team offered. Both did…and so did we.</p>
<p>Personallly, I think you should only go if you can keep your own negativity out of it. If your son is already unhappy, or if he is happy just being a part of the team, your unhappiness isn’t going to add anything to his experience.</p>
<p>If you can genuinely feel good about the team and cheer on the team and find good things to say about the other players and the games, then maybe you can teach your son about a lot of really important things. but, if you can’t do that? You had better just stay away and let him find his own way.</p>
<p>All kids have situations, political, or somebody better comes along, or just whatever, where they aren’t getting everything they want. I like to think it is one of the great lessons of team play that our kids learn how to be a part of something bigger than they are. FWIW</p>
<p>Oh, I can so relate!! My son’s problems with playing time started early - when he was 6 years old in the YMCA program! Hard to believe, but true. He had some fantastic experiences in between with some very good coaches and he actually played very well on some teams, scored goals and was an integral player if not a star. In HS, fortunately he got weeded out early and had a much better experience running cross country.</p>
<p>Poetgrl - I think you are right about my negativity. With the dramatic change for my son, I have a hard time rooting for the team. I guess this journey needs to play out for him. He doesn’t want my help anyway. I guess I have a soft spot in my heart for him because he has been such a team player and a hard worker all these years. Also, I played on the college level in an individual sport. In my sport you won or lost - not too much judgment on the coach’s part, but not too much team support either.</p>
<p>Wish someone had told me that having kids would put an ache in your heart for so many things. We’ve had the same experience with 1 school coach, and also at a sports camp… D never got the chance to show what she could do and was sooo disappointed. It sucks, but life goes on.</p>
<p>I hope your S gets off the bench soon…</p>
<p>I don’t think I’ve really heard the answer to how your ds feels. Is HE humiliated? Just disappointed?</p>
<p>This is so familiar. Ds’s school team had four coaches in four years. His freshman year he started on JV, but then got moved up to varsity after two weeks because the coach liked the “chemistry” ds brought (never said this, but I’m sure he meant that ds was good but, more importantly, a hard worker on a team of primadonnas). Coach even singled out ds for a districtwide award. Ds was on Cloud Nine. Next year, he got a new coach, and ds was totally frozen out of a starting position. He even had ds be a coach instead of subbing for the new starter. No field time at all after a while. No doubt it was because this coach was way into machismo, and ds refused to stand up for himself. He too often deferred to a more in-your-face kid. I can understand why a coach would prefer that attitude, figuring that the assertiveness off the field would translate to hard play on the field. I’ve never spoken to him about it in depth, but I know he felt a real loss of face.</p>
<p>Last year, another new coach. This guy was serious about the team. He not only wanted good players but committed, disciplined players. Finally, someone who would appreciate ds’s strongest qualities! This coach actually kicked good players off the team who skipped practices, half-stepped on the field, etc. He was looking for the long-term benefit of the program, not just winning the next game. Ds reclaimed a starting spot, in a position he’d never played before, and we’re all looking forward to this year to see the fruits of the foundation the coach laid – and it’s the same coach two years in a row!</p>
<p>We went to every game that dismal sophomore year. I think we were able to hide our anger in the stands pretty well, though it was tough when other parents would come up to us throughout the game to say they didn’t understand why coach wouldn’t put ds in.</p>
<p>your kid needs to ask the coach “hey coach, what do I need to do to earn more playing time? I am ready to work my butt off for you. What do you need to see from me that you haven’t seen yet this year?”</p>
<p>This way you phrase it as “what can I do?” instead of “why aren’t YOU playing me?”</p>
<p>Then, your son can judge the answer he gets. If he basically gets the “i’m playing the younger kids” or “you won’t get any playing time no matter what” answer, then your son can decide where to go from there.</p>
<p>fwiw, I gave up on high school soccer b/c I had top 5 ball control skills of the people trying out, but the coach just took all the fastest people.</p>
<p>sometimes there are politics that come into play with public school sports. you can probably look at who is playing ahead of him and see their parents connection to the school in some way (as teachers, board members, community leaders, etc.). were the parents student athletes at the same school? the list goes on and on. i’ve never seen anything like it and boys sports, imo, seem to have more of that going on than girls sports and it varies from sport to sport. some are worse than others. it really is shocking.
most coaches will not talk with parents about playing time…period.
your son will have to talk to the coach himself.
socceguy315…i agree…sometimes the coach is only looking at certain things…if not speed, then maybe it is size, etc.</p>
<p>I think this student needs to decide WHY he is on the team…and his parents need to go along with his decision. If the student is ON the team for the teamwork, camaraderie that goes with a team, and the general exercise and practice…and he LIKES it…then he should continue. And the parents should put aside THEIR feelings that their kid is being shortchanged.</p>
<p>If the kid is on the team to accummulate playing time and that is not happening…and the kid is NOT happy. The situation needs to be reevaluated.</p>
<p>Our kids were not athletic in the least (both were outstanding musicians…but NOT athletes). We INSISTED that they participate in one team sport of their choosing at least as a trial. DS was on the tennis team and loved it. He was the BOTTOM of the list of players and seldom competed in a match. DD chose swim team…and loved it. She NEVER was a contender but also never missed a practice or meet. Both formed friendships and team skills in these two sports that they both enjoyed and needed to learn. Both got varsity letters largely due to their good sportsmanship and devotion to their teams DESPITE not being particularly talented in their sport.</p>
<p>AND we as parents supported both teams by going to EVERY home event. We donated our time for team fundraisers and met a dynamite group of parents with whom we still communicate. </p>
<p>You know…being on a team isn’t JUST about “playing time”…it’s about other things too.</p>