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How does one handle a nonsupportive spouse/partner?

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Replies to: How does one handle a nonsupportive spouse/partner?

  • oldfortoldfort 22894 replies290 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I was working 12+ hours a day when my kids were growing up and I was also the hands on parents. I hired SAT tutors and college counselor for my kids, so I wouldn't have to do everything. On the other hand I never helped my kids with homework or worried about their tests (I was paying good money for their private school, so I expected them to do their jobs).
    I would have a conversation with your spouse to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to your children, and then divide up the work. I am not a believer of couple counseling either. I did that and it really didn't help, probably made things worse.
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  • stradmomstradmom 5008 replies50 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    You sound really committed to your children's success. Perhaps there is a way you can reframe your thinking about things like cousins visiting to move it from "distraction from academics" to "helping provide emotional stability and connection to family" by considering what kind of people you want your children to become in 20/30/40 years. Does academic success outweigh family connection in your self-described Tiger culture?

    I had a wakeup call during a seminar at a particularly stressful time in our lives where it only occurred to me afterwards that I'd omitted my spouse from the various concentric circles I was supposed to be drawing about life priorities. Ooops.
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  • Nrdsb4Nrdsb4 16847 replies157 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I don't see how your kids are supposed to learn how to function independently with you overseeing and micromanaging everything. They should be able to do their homework without you hovering over them while they do it, or worse, doing it with your help every single night.

    There are two sides to every story, and I imagine the OP's wife version of things might be very enlightening.

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  • TempeMomTempeMom 2970 replies25 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I think the OP is gone or has absented himself from this conversation.
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  • jenericjeneric 213 replies0 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    I had a very involved dad- coached teams, helped with homework plus worked a full time job and that was 30 years ago before it was really acceptable to miss work for things. He was an awesome dad and I know it wasn't easy, his sacrifices were always appreciated by my sister and I. I commend you for being involved with your kids. Just about every rising Junior I know is doing test prep and plans on taking the SAT or ACT in August or September, so I think you are on track. If it feels like your spouse is undermining you, and you are overwhelmed, then maybe it would be best to hire a tutor. That's what I did when my kids hit middle school. It was mostly for math, but science has sometimes been added in. It will open up more time to help your younger kids and makes it a set time for your older kids to get help. I honestly couldn't help my kids past the 8th grade- I would have been a detriment!
    I would also make sure the SAT study time was put on a family calendar. That way nothing else gets planned. My D21 and I sit down every week and plan out what she needs to do for test prep and AP assignments and we write it down- it keeps her on task.
    Best of luck to you.
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 33415 replies363 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I don't think these kids are in school right now. The test isn't til August, iirc. And sheesh, so she invited friends over, one night- that's grounds to blame her? ANyone truly think that destroys a rising junior's college chances? He's taking this test mighty early, as it is. Why?

    I don't see how anyonehere can say Mom is "sabotaging" anything. It could be Dad who insists, drew his line in the sand, and wants to define what "good parents do," in his terms. (Two sides, as I said earlier.)
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  • bookwormbookworm 8858 replies72 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I feel like a lone wolf. It bothers me that wife comes home, veggies out watching L &O. Whenever I see that pattern, I think depression. Ya, decompressing to the world. Is she greeted warmly? Is there a family dinner ready for her?

    In terms of the OP, every useful suggestion has been made. To step back with homework, perhaps coaching, focus on college admissions, etc.

    Regarding therapy, obviously I’m pro. In LA, there were clinics aimed for Asians, with Asian staff. MANY courses were offered for non-Asian therapists to learn and appreciate the culture.
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  • deb922deb922 5606 replies188 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    This story reminds me of one of my friends. Very similar situation, genders reversed but the wife felt alone and unsupported. The H wanted to be hands off, never have to do the heavy lifting and wanted to be able to pursue his own agendas.

    Even though he is very successful and outwardly seems very family oriented. He wasn’t and she felt unsupported and lonely. They have a marriage that isn’t a partnership, but with two separate people living parallel life.

    It’s hard to describe and I was slow to understand. Much of her frustration came from not feeling like equal partners in the marriage and not being respected
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