oldfort22894 replies290 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
I was working 12+ hours a day when my kids were growing up and I was also the hands on parents. I hired SAT tutors and college counselor for my kids, so I wouldn't have to do everything. On the other hand I never helped my kids with homework or worried about their tests (I was paying good money for their private school, so I expected them to do their jobs).
I would have a conversation with your spouse to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to your children, and then divide up the work. I am not a believer of couple counseling either. I did that and it really didn't help, probably made things worse.
austinmshauri8823 replies324 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
In 2015 you were posting about obsessively checking the grades of your (then) 6th grader and you vowed to dial it back and let him go to his teachers' office hours instead of constantly monitoring his work and worrying about college admissions. Is it possible that you're trying to set the priorities for everyone in the house and you think your wife is "non-supportive" and "undermining" you because she doesn't share them? People whose priorities are different than ours aren't wrong. They're just different.
If handling a full-time job, coaching 2 teams, working through nightly homework with your kids, helping the eldest study for the SAT, and managing their social schedules is too much for you then you have to make some hard choices to reduce your schedule. That doesn't include assigning responsibilities to your wife. She's an adult who gets to make her own choices.
I think you need to talk to her and agree on some priorities. If her priorities are different then you need to compromise. The goal isn't to change her or to convince her that your priorities are the right ones. You really need to agree on what's important to you as a family and how to get there. It might involve you hiring an SAT tutor and quitting coaching so you have more time for other things that are important to you.
I don't think it's a good sign that your wife spends the night in front of the TV and you seem to spend it anywhere else. That doesn't sound like much of a family life. And when she does make an effort to add a social activity for your family you accuse her of being "non-supportive" and "undermining" you. Not doing something in the timeframe or way that you want doesn't negate the contribution. If you let go of a task then you don't get to micromanage the details for how it's carried out. It's very concerning to me that in your long list of daily responsibilities carving time out for your wife doesn't even make the list. I hope that was an oversight.
stradmom5008 replies50 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
You sound really committed to your children's success. Perhaps there is a way you can reframe your thinking about things like cousins visiting to move it from "distraction from academics" to "helping provide emotional stability and connection to family" by considering what kind of people you want your children to become in 20/30/40 years. Does academic success outweigh family connection in your self-described Tiger culture?
I had a wakeup call during a seminar at a particularly stressful time in our lives where it only occurred to me afterwards that I'd omitted my spouse from the various concentric circles I was supposed to be drawing about life priorities. Ooops.
blossom9756 replies9 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
OP- big hug to you. This sounds frustrating and challenging.
I learned the hard way that when I dropped the ball on a couple of the things I was doing to keep the household, kids, etc. going.... nothing happened. Literally nothing. There were zero consequences. I was doing way too much; my spouse (who traveled frequently and for very long periods of time to places where you couldn't get back and forth for the weekend) was not carrying the ball (but was very present emotionally and was engaged with the kids when at home) and my frustration was over the top. So I took a friend's advice and I just stopped doing.
Kids are fine with an occasional meal out of a box or a microwave. A little dust in the living room isn't going to kill anyone. Explaining to a kid that they will have to choose between activity A or B, but not both, because you don't have the bandwidth for both-- well, guess what, the kid is often relieved to only participate in the one thing they love, instead of having to put on a brave face and do something else. Just drop the ball- now.
I did (my kids were younger than yours) and there were zero consequences except that all the community events and activities that relied on me as a volunteer had to find someone else (which they did), my house was a little messier, meals were more casual, and I was less exhausted and resentful. And my productivity at work went up because I wasn't a wreck keeping the plates spinning in the air all the time.
My spouse got more involved because my standards weren't so impossible to keep up with, and soon changed jobs to have less (not none, but less) travel, and was more available for kid stuff.
My kids were definitely happier without me being so "there". I stopped monitoring homework and studying and tests; told them to let me know if they were falling through the cracks (which they did not). They took ownership of their own schooling and I got comfortable with the reality that I wasn't going to get them into college- or get them THROUGH college, that was on them.
It's decades later and we are a much happier family (and they've got kids and spouses too) because I learned to drop the ball.
Why are you coaching their teams? Why are you helping with homework? Why are you managing their testing schedules for college? Just stop. They will pick up the ball, and you and your wife will have the bandwidth to get back on track with each other as parents and spouses.
You may need a counselor to help you do this, but you are WAY too involved. Been there, done that, stopped doing it. Hugs.
Nrdsb416847 replies157 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
I don't see how your kids are supposed to learn how to function independently with you overseeing and micromanaging everything. They should be able to do their homework without you hovering over them while they do it, or worse, doing it with your help every single night.
There are two sides to every story, and I imagine the OP's wife version of things might be very enlightening.
jeneric213 replies0 threadsRegistered UserJunior Member
I had a very involved dad- coached teams, helped with homework plus worked a full time job and that was 30 years ago before it was really acceptable to miss work for things. He was an awesome dad and I know it wasn't easy, his sacrifices were always appreciated by my sister and I. I commend you for being involved with your kids. Just about every rising Junior I know is doing test prep and plans on taking the SAT or ACT in August or September, so I think you are on track. If it feels like your spouse is undermining you, and you are overwhelmed, then maybe it would be best to hire a tutor. That's what I did when my kids hit middle school. It was mostly for math, but science has sometimes been added in. It will open up more time to help your younger kids and makes it a set time for your older kids to get help. I honestly couldn't help my kids past the 8th grade- I would have been a detriment!
I would also make sure the SAT study time was put on a family calendar. That way nothing else gets planned. My D21 and I sit down every week and plan out what she needs to do for test prep and AP assignments and we write it down- it keeps her on task.
Best of luck to you.
lookingforward33415 replies363 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
I don't think these kids are in school right now. The test isn't til August, iirc. And sheesh, so she invited friends over, one night- that's grounds to blame her? ANyone truly think that destroys a rising junior's college chances? He's taking this test mighty early, as it is. Why?
I don't see how anyonehere can say Mom is "sabotaging" anything. It could be Dad who insists, drew his line in the sand, and wants to define what "good parents do," in his terms. (Two sides, as I said earlier.)
bookworm8858 replies72 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
I feel like a lone wolf. It bothers me that wife comes home, veggies out watching L &O. Whenever I see that pattern, I think depression. Ya, decompressing to the world. Is she greeted warmly? Is there a family dinner ready for her?
In terms of the OP, every useful suggestion has been made. To step back with homework, perhaps coaching, focus on college admissions, etc.
Regarding therapy, obviously I’m pro. In LA, there were clinics aimed for Asians, with Asian staff. MANY courses were offered for non-Asian therapists to learn and appreciate the culture.
deb9225606 replies188 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
This story reminds me of one of my friends. Very similar situation, genders reversed but the wife felt alone and unsupported. The H wanted to be hands off, never have to do the heavy lifting and wanted to be able to pursue his own agendas.
Even though he is very successful and outwardly seems very family oriented. He wasn’t and she felt unsupported and lonely. They have a marriage that isn’t a partnership, but with two separate people living parallel life.
It’s hard to describe and I was slow to understand. Much of her frustration came from not feeling like equal partners in the marriage and not being respected
MaineLonghorn38082 replies2085 threadsSuper ModeratorSuper Moderator
I just feel like if the roles were reversed and Dad wasn't doing much, we would shrug our shoulders and say, "That's life." Kind of how it was in our household.
austinmshauri8823 replies324 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
edited July 18
We have no idea what the wife is doing, only that it's not what OP wants. We don't even know if the children are on board with how much of their lives OP is managing.
My SIL is a physician. The only way she was able to maintain a challenging career was to hire tutors for the children (plus a cleaning staff and yard crew) because when she gets home from the hospital there's a load of paperwork to do, patient records to review, journals and new studies to catch up on, etc. My BIL does 99% of the cooking or they'd hire someone for that too. I find it very difficult to believe that OP's physician wife goes home after what are likely 10-12 hour days and has the luxury of sitting and doing absolutely nothing.
doschicos20833 replies216 threadsRegistered UserSenior Member
" I find it very difficult to believe that OP's physician wife goes home after what are likely 10-12 hour days and has the luxury of sitting and doing absolutely nothing."
And even if she does for an hour or two a night, I wouldn't begrudge her that if she is putting in 10-12 patient facing hours. I would imagine some decompression time is needed. I tend to be sympathetic for the wife here because some of the items the OP delineates seem unnecessary and too tiger parent to me.
These marital threads are always a little challenging because we only get one spouse's perspective, which is why the suggestion of some counseling can be a sound recommendation.
"
These marital threads are always a little challenging because we only get one spouse's perspective, which is why the suggestion of some counseling can be a sound recommendation.
Yes, but usually we tend to agree with the original poster. This time not so much. Put me in the camp that thinks Dad is over involved. I strongly believe that by the time kids are in high school they need to be well on the way to doing their own work with minimal parental input or they won't be ready to be on their own in college.
Replies to: How does one handle a nonsupportive spouse/partner?
I would have a conversation with your spouse to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to your children, and then divide up the work. I am not a believer of couple counseling either. I did that and it really didn't help, probably made things worse.
If handling a full-time job, coaching 2 teams, working through nightly homework with your kids, helping the eldest study for the SAT, and managing their social schedules is too much for you then you have to make some hard choices to reduce your schedule. That doesn't include assigning responsibilities to your wife. She's an adult who gets to make her own choices.
I think you need to talk to her and agree on some priorities. If her priorities are different then you need to compromise. The goal isn't to change her or to convince her that your priorities are the right ones. You really need to agree on what's important to you as a family and how to get there. It might involve you hiring an SAT tutor and quitting coaching so you have more time for other things that are important to you.
I don't think it's a good sign that your wife spends the night in front of the TV and you seem to spend it anywhere else. That doesn't sound like much of a family life. And when she does make an effort to add a social activity for your family you accuse her of being "non-supportive" and "undermining" you. Not doing something in the timeframe or way that you want doesn't negate the contribution. If you let go of a task then you don't get to micromanage the details for how it's carried out. It's very concerning to me that in your long list of daily responsibilities carving time out for your wife doesn't even make the list. I hope that was an oversight.
I had a wakeup call during a seminar at a particularly stressful time in our lives where it only occurred to me afterwards that I'd omitted my spouse from the various concentric circles I was supposed to be drawing about life priorities. Ooops.
I learned the hard way that when I dropped the ball on a couple of the things I was doing to keep the household, kids, etc. going.... nothing happened. Literally nothing. There were zero consequences. I was doing way too much; my spouse (who traveled frequently and for very long periods of time to places where you couldn't get back and forth for the weekend) was not carrying the ball (but was very present emotionally and was engaged with the kids when at home) and my frustration was over the top. So I took a friend's advice and I just stopped doing.
Kids are fine with an occasional meal out of a box or a microwave. A little dust in the living room isn't going to kill anyone. Explaining to a kid that they will have to choose between activity A or B, but not both, because you don't have the bandwidth for both-- well, guess what, the kid is often relieved to only participate in the one thing they love, instead of having to put on a brave face and do something else. Just drop the ball- now.
I did (my kids were younger than yours) and there were zero consequences except that all the community events and activities that relied on me as a volunteer had to find someone else (which they did), my house was a little messier, meals were more casual, and I was less exhausted and resentful. And my productivity at work went up because I wasn't a wreck keeping the plates spinning in the air all the time.
My spouse got more involved because my standards weren't so impossible to keep up with, and soon changed jobs to have less (not none, but less) travel, and was more available for kid stuff.
My kids were definitely happier without me being so "there". I stopped monitoring homework and studying and tests; told them to let me know if they were falling through the cracks (which they did not). They took ownership of their own schooling and I got comfortable with the reality that I wasn't going to get them into college- or get them THROUGH college, that was on them.
It's decades later and we are a much happier family (and they've got kids and spouses too) because I learned to drop the ball.
Why are you coaching their teams? Why are you helping with homework? Why are you managing their testing schedules for college? Just stop. They will pick up the ball, and you and your wife will have the bandwidth to get back on track with each other as parents and spouses.
You may need a counselor to help you do this, but you are WAY too involved. Been there, done that, stopped doing it. Hugs.
There are two sides to every story, and I imagine the OP's wife version of things might be very enlightening.
I would also make sure the SAT study time was put on a family calendar. That way nothing else gets planned. My D21 and I sit down every week and plan out what she needs to do for test prep and AP assignments and we write it down- it keeps her on task.
Best of luck to you.
I don't see how anyonehere can say Mom is "sabotaging" anything. It could be Dad who insists, drew his line in the sand, and wants to define what "good parents do," in his terms. (Two sides, as I said earlier.)
In terms of the OP, every useful suggestion has been made. To step back with homework, perhaps coaching, focus on college admissions, etc.
Regarding therapy, obviously I’m pro. In LA, there were clinics aimed for Asians, with Asian staff. MANY courses were offered for non-Asian therapists to learn and appreciate the culture.
Even though he is very successful and outwardly seems very family oriented. He wasn’t and she felt unsupported and lonely. They have a marriage that isn’t a partnership, but with two separate people living parallel life.
It’s hard to describe and I was slow to understand. Much of her frustration came from not feeling like equal partners in the marriage and not being respected
My SIL is a physician. The only way she was able to maintain a challenging career was to hire tutors for the children (plus a cleaning staff and yard crew) because when she gets home from the hospital there's a load of paperwork to do, patient records to review, journals and new studies to catch up on, etc. My BIL does 99% of the cooking or they'd hire someone for that too. I find it very difficult to believe that OP's physician wife goes home after what are likely 10-12 hour days and has the luxury of sitting and doing absolutely nothing.
And even if she does for an hour or two a night, I wouldn't begrudge her that if she is putting in 10-12 patient facing hours. I would imagine some decompression time is needed. I tend to be sympathetic for the wife here because some of the items the OP delineates seem unnecessary and too tiger parent to me.
These marital threads are always a little challenging because we only get one spouse's perspective, which is why the suggestion of some counseling can be a sound recommendation.
Yes, but usually we tend to agree with the original poster. This time not so much. Put me in the camp that thinks Dad is over involved. I strongly believe that by the time kids are in high school they need to be well on the way to doing their own work with minimal parental input or they won't be ready to be on their own in college.