My youngest child is a current sophomore in high school and by all means a solidly average student (and no, not by CC standards). He has lots of Bs, a few honors classes and is just not my student. He has watched his two older siblings take tons of AP classes, score extremely high on standardized tests, graduate with highest honors and get merit scholarships for colleges. We are picking classes for Junior year and he really doesn’t want to load up on APs. I could force him but I don’t think he will care enough to do the work that’s required to get good grades.
I know every kid is different but I’m struggling with how to guide him. He is very young for his grade and has no idea what direction he wants for a major. He doesnt even want to take an honors science class next year. He’s just so different from his siblings and I’m trying hard to meet him where he’s at while the voice in the back of my head is saying “what about rigor? What about college options?” Anyone been through a similar situation before?
Same boat and same age. We are looking to put her in a summer art program at one of the state colleges. The program will be sleep away at the dorm and go to class etc. I am hoping this will motivate to push a little bit without us nagging.
Sounds like he is a happy, healthy HS student and that is by far the most important thing. There will be plenty of college options and career choices for a solid B student. Guessing he may mature a bit later than his siblings and find his stride in college. In the meantime, I’d be encouraging and would not compare him to his siblings.
That’s what I needed to hear! He’s a great kid - plays sports, has tons of friends, a girlfriend and is overall a really considerate and kind person. I guess I won’t push the APs!
What does he like to do? What is he interested in? What are the family activities you guys do that really get him charged up?
I think the key lies here. If he loves to hike, there are careers that would suit him (and no, you don’t need to be summa cum laude to work as a park ranger or wilderness guide, although some of those roles ARE competitive.) If he loves to tinker in the kitchen, there are culinary careers. If he loves to travel, the hospitality industry is still one of the last “prestige doesn’t matter” segments out there- hotel, cruise, casino, airline.
I don’t think a kid in HS needs direction btw, and certainly doesn’t need to pick a forever career. But realizing (either on your own or with him) that he can make a satisfying and productive life for himself even if academics aren’t his thing might help relieve your anxiety.
I had a different sort of unmotivated kid- but a summer working the clean up crew at a fast food restaurant fixed that pretty quickly. First- realizing how hard it is to earn a living wage. Second- seeing how hard his co-workers worked-- a day job (minimum wage) and then the night shift mopping the floors and getting the grease out of the machinery. Sleeping on the fly. And third- realizing how constrained their choices were overall- live with a sibling you don’t get along with because it only cost $25/week to bunk in his basement. Wait endlessly for the bus because the cost of a cab or Uber meant no dinner for the next three nights (and who could afford auto insurance even if you were lucky enough to be able to save up for a car).
So if he hasn’t worked a “regular type job” with ordinary people with no education… that might light a fire under him. My kid just couldn’t believe the circumstances that some of his co-workers were in-- visit the dentist for an aching jaw or pay your cellphone bill?
I’ll bet he’s got skills you don’t even realize are special!!!
This sounds like one of my close family members. He was accepted to a few four year colleges but decided to go to community college to make sure college was really for him. He had a small business he started in high school that he’s continuing to grow and is an incredibly hard working kind, wonderful young man. The kind of person that everyone likes and wants to be around. I see a very happy future ahead of him with or without college.
I feel this. For our family, it’s my middle child (a current senior) who is just not as academically focused as his older and younger siblings. He is also at a school with a lot of very academically driven AND athletically driven kids (30% of the senior class has been recruited to play their sport in college). It has not been easy for him, and I sometimes think we made a poor choice, sending him to this school (Covid decision). Sophomore year was a struggle for him…he didn’t fit with the high stat academic crowd, and also didn’t fit with the very driven athletic crowd (though he has always loved sports and plays two sports/year). He is very social and makes friends easily, but still had a bit of difficulty “finding his place”. We just kept guiding him to keep doing the things he enjoys, work hard in the classes that are at the right level for him, push himself in his areas of strength. He took one honors level class as a junior and this year as a senior is in honors history and honors english…those classes are his highest grades, and I’m sure it is because he enjoys the content. The only AP class he has ever taken is AP Studio Art (He is very creative). As a senior, his is GPA is the highest it has ever been, and he is very happy. Enjoying school, working part time, playing his sport and plenty of time for hanging out with friends.
He is doing well with college admissions so far. This is because he picked schools that are a good match for him (He wants medium to large and is in at Pitt, Indiana, JMU, University of Denver and a few others). Waiting on a few more. He has a 3.4 gpa, but at the time of applications it was around a 3.3. On CC it sometimes feels like a kid in this range won’t have much success with admissions, but that is just not true, provided they have a balanced list.
Yes, my other two kids have a higher gpa, but it won’t surprise me if this kiddo of mine ends up being the most fulfilled in life, after perhaps taking a curvier path to get there.
A lot can happen between now and HS graduation, so treat this as a hypothetical. But suppose he is not very interested in school at the point he is really planning his next step after HS. If so, then more school might not be the best next step!
That doesn’t mean he will never go to college. I think a decent number of people get started in life and at some point realize that a college degree might help them achieve their career goals. At which point they can go to college with a real focus on exactly what college is going to do for them. And that can be all the motivation they need to get the education and credentials they need.
But also maybe not! Lots of people are very successful in life without going to college. So you can play it out and see how it goes.
What I really think does not make sense is rushing into college straight after HS without any clear sense of what you would value about college. That doesn’t mean you can’t be undecided about major and career and such, indeed you might see attending a well-chosen college as a big part of figuring that stuff out.
But if you are not feeling excited about college for ANY reason-- neither focused nor exploratory nor so on–then why rush it? Go if and when it actually makes sense to you, for your own reasons, and not because it is the expected thing to do.
Thanks so much for these perspectives. I think it’s hard to not get caught up in making sure your kid is academically driven, especially because both my husband and I were kids that thrived on academic validation and went to competitive colleges. My S27 has said he definitely wants to go to college (probably because he had a blast visiting his sister at an SEC school for a game day!) so I think we will just need to expand our list of schools to find a fit for him when the time comes.
He won’t turn 16 until Junior year so I do suspect alot of this has to do with maturity level too. But if he decides he would rather go to culinary school or trade school, we will of course support that. I guess I’ll back down on the Junior year rigor and take a deep breath.
YUP! I have a kid like that. My twins are polar opposites when it comes to academics. One is an over-achiever, valedictorian, blah blah blah and the other LOATHES school, didn’t do his homework, graduated from HS by the skin of his teeth. BUT, He is a huge gearhead, is incredible when it comes to cars, engines, etc. So we just supported that interest with everything we had. He is currently at a technical school down in Texas, to become a precision machinist, to pursue his dream of making custom parts for souped up cars. They will find their way. Just be excited for his endeavors and whatever he is interested in. Don’t put pressure to make him like his siblings. With supportive parents, they will do great!
I am in this situation, older child, D22, is the typical average excellent student, high work ethic, intrinsically motivated, 4.0 at a T50ish college in a double degree program and works on the side.
Younger child, S26, for him good enough is good enough. No need to stress about grades, no need to be the best he can be Getting him to study is difficult. He is well liked, has a good group of friends and lives and breathes his sport (but is not following recruiting route for college). He is well adjusted and well rounded.
I fully admit it took me some time to accept that he is not like his sister when it comes to school and to adjust. But I am fully there now. He took no APs Junior year and I didn’t pressure him to. He will not take math senior year (he has his four years), because he hates it and there is not reason for him to take calculus in my view. He will probably take some APs senior year in the area he loves, history and poli sci. I am totally fine with the lack of rigor. He is not the child to press. BUT we have had frank discussions that all of this will limit his college choices. Our finances for college are very limited, so the lower his test scores and grades, the fewer choices he will have. I am not sure that has completely registered with him. And because of that I am pressing him on ACT prep right now
I understand where you are coming from. This was me as a student too. Excelling academically was the path I took to create a good life for myself. So when my first kid also turned out to be an academically-motivated high-stats kid, I was in familiar territory and felt comfortable giving guidance. But my second kid is a smack-dab-in-the-middle stats kid, and is not motivated by academics. I worried “what was to become of her” before I realized my anxiety had much more to do with me feeling unconfident in my parenting because I had no personal experience to guide me.
But there are just so many paths to life happiness and success that don’t involve being a top stats student. So many excellent colleges who would be thrilled to admit your kind, happy, social, well balanced, average stats student. So many careers where being an egg-head is not important.
You are doing a terrific job raising a terrific kid. Keep up the good work.
The advice that comes to mind is maybe try to really look at various electives and even summer college classes in areas that might grab his interest and maybe be more obtuse - like creative arts (design e.g. etc) or a subject like criminology, etc. It might be that the best path forward for him isn’t struggling through APs but instead defining a profile that is much more interest based and in areas that aren’t as over-subscribed. I feel like the way they’ll be happy in college is going to be by going to a solid school with less rigor but perhaps really well known for some subject that he finds most motivating. E.g. Utah has an excellent design program, also great game design program and these are subjects that you don’t just AP your way into.
I can tell you I was that kid. Just not highly motivated (I now know I have ADHD and my brain just matured later than my siblings). I want to a good, not great, college. I will also tell you that I am considerably happier than my siblings.
My older daughter is also that child. She ended up going to a non-flagship state college and loves it. She fell in love with both the professors and the academics. She loves how personalized it is. She is now one of their superstars and has won many awards. More importantly, she’s happy and we still have a relationship because I decided that mental health was more important than academics.
I can relate to a somewhat similar degree. My S20 was an A,B, and occasional C student who took a couple APs half honors and a few regular classes. He is smart and works hard, but school clicked for him as a Jr and Sr not earlier. He graduated at the 50% range. His cousins were all straight A students who were top in their class. And attended Yale, Brown, UCI, UCSD, and Santa Clara in civil engineering. But that’s ok. He/we knew he wasn’t going to apply to any Ivy schools or near Ivy and would aim for top 100 colleges like SantaClara, USD, UCR, SJSU, etc. it worked out for him. He did pretty well on test scores, got a good merit scholarship at the University of Portland, did well, had a great experience, learned a lot, made life long friends, grew and matured, and now works in the business side of a Fortune 500 company.
I will echo much of what has been said here, but with some added oomph -
I am an LCSW in private practice and specialize in middle school - college age, identity development, sense of self and confidence, depression, anxiety and eating disorders.
We - including and especially kids and teens - have a very basic human need to “be seen”. To be accepted for who we are and celebrated for our differences - well that’s really what it means live a celebrated life.
Use that as your guiding star. Not to minimize your anxiety - I get it - it’s rough out there, many questions about careers and the economy and how to be ok and successful on their own. But just see him, celebrate any quirky interests, help guide him to be HIS best self, not defined by others and not perfect.
It’s so hard to be a kid these days, and hard to be a parent. You’re doing a great job just by asking and processing this stuff out.
It can be hard when you are of the world of academic achievers – you, your friends, your kids – to see how someone could succeed without academic achievement. And as a parent, it’s hard not to feel a bit of fear about that for your kid.
But there is a huge world of folks, many also very successful, who are not of that world. You can manage yourself off the edge of your expectations cliff by connecting with, or simply being aware of, some of the people in that world. It’s amazing at the many ways people earn good livings and are very fulfilled without having been stellar in the classroom. (You no doubt know this, btw!)
It sounds like you are doing right by your son and not trying to make him into what he not (or feeling bad about that!). Help him find what excites him and continue to support him as he explores and succeeds on his terms.
Getting him to study is difficult. He is well liked, has a good group of friends and lives and breathes his sport (but is not following recruiting route for college). He is well adjusted and well rounded.