<p>This year, we’ve already seen two renowned New England schools in the press for incidents involving poor judgement, bullying, and in one case a tragic loss of life.</p>
<p>My question to the parents of current and prospective BS students (and any kids who care to reply) is “How much does this/should this matter in the decisionmaking process of where to apply/attend?” Would it be a dealbreaker for you/your child?</p>
<p>I guess I feel that if you’ve done your homework, it’s easy to find unsavory/unflattering incidents in the pasts of many top BS institutions. And to paraphrase a friend who went to Miss Porter’s when I asked her for her POV on the Tatum Bass issue, “The school will be extremely vigilant after any incident, so you can feel comfortable that it won’t happen again any time soon…” But on the other hand, it does raise my protective parent instincts.</p>
<p>I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on this…not so much in the context of the two specific schools in question, but more in a conceptual way…substitute the school that’s currently at the top of your list, and imagine if they had been in the news this Fall for a similar incident.</p>
<p>First, it’s unfortunately not a hypothetical . . . one of these schools is on the top of our list!</p>
<p>I guess the best way to answer this is to say that there are two lists - mine and my kid’s. And if a school has actually made it to the top of my list, then, no, bad press would NOT change my mind. My list is comprised of those schools that I trust, in effect, to raise my child for me. And if I’ve decided that I really trust a school, then (1) I’d take the bad press with a grain of salt and (2) I’d trust the school to take steps to prevent a similar occurrence in the future. I agree with your friend’s comment about such a school being “extremely vigilant” in the future.</p>
<p>For those schools that are on my kid’s list, but not mine, I’d be more concerned. Those are the schools I’m less familiar with and less trusting of. But again, that can be remedied by getting to know the school better.</p>
<p>And it’s easy for me to say that nothing like this would ever have happened at MY school . . . but I went to school many decades ago and the world has changed since then. Would a student who never showed himself to be racist or homophobic when I was in school have presented himself differently if Facebook had been available as a forum? I’d like to say “no,” but the truth is that there’s no way to know.</p>
<p>It’s not so much about the press; we all know that it can be far afield from the truth. It’s more about squaring an actual event with the actual culture of the School and asking yourself whether it indicates a less hospitable climate for your child than you would like to see. I have two inclinations when I hear news like this:</p>
<p>I try to determine whether the event is part of a pattern of behavior or a true one-off occurrence, wholly unexpected by the school community. Is the behavior that led up to or contributed to the negative event likely to be something that was known to a percentage of the school community (students and/or faculty)? Did other kids know that bullying was happening, or drug use was occurring, or cheating was going on? If I conclude that it was probably known to a decent number of people, then yes, it would give me pause. Correcting a problem culture is a much tougher, longer challenge than dealing with one unexpected bit of bad behavior and the 2-4 years it might take to correct something systemic means that a newly admitted child will be living in that environment for some period of time.</p>
<p>If the negative event is wholly unexpected, it does not negatively influence my opinion of the School in the least - provided that the School behaves quickly, transparently and lovingly in response to the problem.</p>
<p>For me it depends on the scandal and more so how the school handles it. No school is a “garden of eden” During touring I was open and asked about recent issues. I was happy that no school avoided the question and were open and honest to what I wanted to know. </p>
<p>There is bullying everywhere. As a member of a minority group, and a female and a science nerd, I have always been prepared and aware of “bullying” in areas that most people would not think of. From birth I have tried to arm my d to be aware, alert and ready to deal with these situations.</p>
<p>“Bad things happen when good people do nothing.” As a good citizen, I have taught my daughter to stand up for injustice, for this time if is someone else, next time it could be you.</p>
<p>On my d’s campus it had been discussions, with/from house parents, adults at meals, school meetings and with parents over parents weekend. I personally have had 2 discussions with my d making my position/attitude clear and her responsibility to not only not be a part of it but to actively report any behavior that could be leading that way. I remind her that she is part of this community and with it comes great responsibility.</p>
<p>My d felt that the girls at Choate had not just hurt themselves but the history/vision/purpose of the school. She was embarrassed for them. She also feels that they have slightly tainted the bs reputation.</p>
<p>Who really knows what goes on at BS that doesn’t rise to the level of national press? Dorm parents can’t be real parents as they are responsible for so many kids and it’s impossible to keep an eye on all of them all the time. :(</p>
<p>Dorm parents will not turn a blind eye to drugs or alcohol. I know (of) quite a few parents in our state who do. Parents have also arranged drinking parties for their children.</p>
<p>Every year you might ( and you will ) hear some bad news from media about boarding incidence. However, Comparing to local public school/day school, I do believe tier 1/2 bs do their best to avoild these things happened.</p>
<p>Now, back to parent thought. I am a beliver that a high EQ student can easily survive/success at top bs but a high IQ student. As a parent, I consider my kid to fit a bs school not only academic but his/her mindset. I had discussion with her (mostly I want her tell me) how to walk away bullying situation, how to handle academic stress, how to handle peer pressure, different family background before she made her decision to bs.</p>
<p>Last week I was there, I heard she and her friends chatted about who is so smart and also outstanding in certain sport/music/club. I can feel they admire those peers. I asked her if she want to be the one they talking about. she told me she know herself ability and know which achievement she want to be. She still had her sadness moment at school some time. But I knew this is a process she is growing and exploring her new world without parent around.</p>
<p>What I tried to say is if kids know what he/she is doing and why they go to bs. All we can do is trust school and listen our kids when they have bad mood.</p>
<p>I agree with Parlabane…it’s all about judging whether the problem is “systemic” or a unique occurrence. I, for one, would be reluctant to send my kid to a school if I felt there were a general bullying problem. I’ve always believed that the really old, established, big name NE schools, modeled as they are on that British, hazing-heavy, boarding culture, are much more likely to be prone to bullying, sarcasm etc.</p>
<p>SevenDad, Give you an example.
At our local middle/high school, We have AG program which do have a lot of smart kids. How smart are they ? In AMC 10/12 or mock test, 75 percents of those kids got more questions right than their math teacher. Some of these students did not respect their math teacher and peers at all. When teacher asked some kids to help each other or group work. some kids don’t want to share what they know or don’t want help. Even more, If a kid asked a question they think it should not be asked (in their level), they laughed at him/her.
This group of kid eventually go to the same high school and the same classes all the way to senior year. They compete each other from one little point of homework or test score.
Some of real smart kids can’t standout to be a true leader but think himself/herself.</p>
<p>According my d, her friends in bs, in the same class or no class in common, helped each other in academical, living or club most of time. I’ve talked some of them. I don’t have a feeling they show me that I am better than you/your kid. I can tell they have open-mind and very polite, well-manner teenagers.</p>
<p>Its just like recently discussion in Winterset’s St.Paul’s school thread. We wondered how school or parent can educate such good young teenagers when you talk to them. I don’t know if they are high IQ or not. But I know they must have to high EQ in their blood.</p>
<p>No, it would not. Like it has already been mentioned, these various types of situations are all schools across all socio/economic classes. However, I would be interested in more how things have changed as a result to avoid it the next time. All these schools have long vast various histories. I don’t blame the schools for individual student’s bad choices, but I would blame the school for not implementing changes as a result of said situation.</p>
<p>How do you think these scandals differ from the situation in the Teens and Drinking thread where a mother who was waiting at a local school overheard some teens talking about drinking the night before? While some of the posters are different on this thread, an overwhelming majority said they would hold it against the Day School. Wondering if already having a child at BS changes our perspective or makes us more willing to defend the system. For me, how the school responds is everything.</p>
<p>@Madaket: To me, that’s an apples to oranges comparison. The Teens and Drinking thread incident was not something that made the news. No life was lost<em>, bullying was not part of the equation</em>, no police are investigating<em>, and no lawsuits will be filed</em>. IMO, the situations mentioned in my OP were more serious by at least a few degrees.</p>
<p>My reason for starting this thread was partially an attempt to re-examine my own admittedly snap judgement on/overreaction to the Groton/Choate situations. Interestingly, most parents who have responded to this thread so far seem to be much more of the “it depends” or “No, it’s not a dealbreaker.” sensibility than the responders to the T&D thread. I have not done a commenter by commenter comparison to see if anyone replied to both threads with different answers btw.</p>
<p>*That I know of based on the OP’s description of the situation.</p>
<p>SevenDAd - Agreed, these offenses were far more serious. Hence my question - how do you account for the more forgiving attitude expressed on this thread toward the BS’s? The offense in the last thread was far less egregious, yet most felt they would definitely hold it against the Day School and that it was a very poor reflection on the school’s student body. I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with their conlcusions but I see a stark contrast in opinion on this thread. And yes, Pulsar is making progress!</p>
<p>@Madaket: I mis-interpreted your initial post! I didn’t know what you meant by “different” (vs. the Teens & Drinking thread, I now realize). Just goes to show that forums can be an imperfect medium for true dialog.</p>
<p>@Any Responders Who Also Chimed In On The Teens & Drinking Thread: Did you respond differently here? Were you more forgiving? If you were, do you have a child at BS or are you a prospective parent? (A few too many questions I realize, but it’s late, I’m tired, and there’s nothing good on TV right now…)</p>
<p>@Periwinkle: A scandal in general…but more specifically, one that involved kids’ indiscretion or even malice (as opposed to something like misappropriation of funds, though that has its own can of worms).</p>
<p>As I noted in my OP, I am trying to remove the question from the two current “in the news” situations…and position it more as a hypothetical question.</p>
so…what Parlabane said.</p>