<p>How to work out differences–coming to a consensus where each person feels valued and “heard;” this is an invaluable tool throughout life but especially in long term relationships when there are inevitable differences. </p>
<p>I think it probably makes a difference if you’re very young vs. older when you meet. My ex and I were young and DIDN’T discuss a lot of the topics listed here and many of them DID become points of contention. Except pets-he was highly allergic and I grew up cleaning up after too many of them so we were of one mind on that. When I met current H I was nearing 40 and he was a couple of years younger and a life-long bachelor. We already had established households, I had kids, we had our own set views on things. So we did have many conversations before going forward. I am glad we did. It hasn’t been perfect but we knew how each other felt about the important things before getting married. Good thing too-I don’t want to move into senior life still fighting about the laundry or figuring out what to do about religion or money.</p>
<p>I was 18 when I met H. He drank regularly, ( he was 21) but many of my friends did as well.
It wasn’t until I was very emotionally involved that I realized that he was an alcoholic, but even then I didnt really know what that would mean as my extended family didn’t even drink on special occasions. ( my father was deceased, but my parents seemed to limit their drinking to New Years parties)</p>
<p>We got through it and H eventually went through treatment, but if I had understood more earlier ( or if I had been older), I doubt we would have even gone out again, especially since he has a genetic link.</p>
<p>Neither one of my daughters met their sig others at such a young age, thank goodness. Youngest had a different boyfriend, her first couple years of college and oldest was out of college before she met her new husband.</p>
<p>Of course my sister met her husband while she was still in high school ( eww- since he is more than a decade older. ) They have been married for just a year less than us, 32 years.</p>
<p>My D’s BF was born in/lived in another country when he was younger. You wouldn’t know he wasn’t born in the USA unless he told you. However, his family does have cultural differences that I am glad D is seeing before she commits to marriage. It’s not that the differences are a deal-breaker, but they do need to be acknowledged, discussed, and figured out before the stroll down the aisle. For example, D is not keen on the idea of living with the in laws (or us!), but her BF would like nothing better than to live next door to both his parents and his in laws. That is how he grew up (as did his peers), and he thinks it’s terrific. They will probably come to a compromise … maybe living halfway between our homes … if they do decide to marry. </p>
<p>When H and I went to our church-mandated engagement class, a couple in our class discovered that they had VERY different ideas about disciplining children. H & I hoped that they did not actually end up getting married and having children, because we really could not see it working.</p>
<p>finances and DEALING WITH INLAWS. You would be surprised at how many MILs dont realize that their kids have their own families, and need to start their own traditions. Parents dont want to share the kids/grandkids on holidays. Definitely discuss the holiday planning from Thanksgiving/Christmas. Make sure your DW/DH is supportive, and isnt scared to disappoint his/her parents.</p>
<p>I don’t know how a young couple can possibly discuss much of this. Over time people change, circumstances change, what shouldn’t change is how much you love each other. My daughter just got engaged and I told her he obviously loves you a lot and you love him, love and affection are the basis of a good marriage. If you love someone you won’t fight over XXX for years. Will you? My husband and I are very different from each other yet we love each other and co exist quite well. When we bought our first house he promised to mow the lawn as I told him I had never mown one before - but he’s highly allergic to it. Eventually we decided to hire someone to do that and it is now a priority for us because we both hate it. We wouldn’t have known that 35 years ago when we got engaged. If you’ve never had a lawn, how would you know how much you hate mowing it?</p>
<p>It just seems like all of this kills the romance. Just love each other. As naïve as that sounds. But really, it’s that simple.</p>
<p>
Unfortunately, I don’t think it is. What I DO think is that we often go in with the rose-colored glasses on even when there are clear signs and signals that there are underlying issues in the relationship. And if others point them out to us, we are not willing to listen or we think we can fix them or that they are minor. </p>
<p>Love isn’t going to fix everything. Love isn’t going to make things better. It’s a glue; not a miracle worker. </p>
<p>Yes, change happens in a marriage. The answers that FH and FW make will not be the same a year, five years, or ten years from them joining. This is why the couple must evaluate and reevaluate their goals and expectations of the relationship. </p>
<p>Love is important basis of marriage, yes, but there’s more that goes into it to keep that love there. </p>
<p>Finances is essential to discuss.<br>
Sex is important to discuss.
Basically, all the topics that have been brought up previously! :)</p>
<p>This. This exactly: “Love isn’t going to fix everything. Love isn’t going to make things better. It’s a glue; not a miracle worker.”</p>
<p>Love is a nice STARTING point, but there are all kinds of issues and potential issues that could come up that should be discussed. I think that anyone who doesn’t and “it all works out” is just lucky, not a poster couple for “love is all you need”. Nice song, not so realistic.</p>
<p>Looking back at my marriage (now at 26 years, 30 years as a couple), I kind of agree that the questions may be less important then getting into the habit of talking about things, about the idea of regularly doing talking these things through. I think it is okay to talk about the issues people mentioned as a snapshot in time, but you have to also remember that these things do change, plus things that look okay when talking about it (like living near in-laws) might turn out not to work. One thing that is important is that they should think about boundaries, things that they are absolute about, things that they can compromise on, and so forth, that was a hard to learn lesson for both of us (primarily dealing with family of origin issues, neither of ours had healthy boundaries, d**n nearly buried us). One of the biggest things I would suggest to a young couple is to agree that if they go through rough stretches, to not be afraid to reach out and work with a counselor, it really helps and there is no shame in that. One of the problems a lot of couples have is that they see marriage counseling as something people do when they are on the rocks, like on the reality programs and such, rather than as something that can be used to help keep things moving along:). </p>
<p>Learning to talk about issues, annoyances, etc, make a big difference, and learning to look at ourselves is important, too. In my case, it took a series of crises for me/us to get help, a number of years ago, and coming out on the other side i cringed at things I used to assume were okay, the things I did to my wife and myself as a family because of my birth family, the look was night and day different, and she had a similar experience with her own stuff.</p>
<p>It is funny, people going into marriage, with its legal committments and weight, kind of often jump into it. If you read anything about people into lifestyles that involve power exchange and the like (call them what you want), they spend a lot of time negotiating and communicating, some literally have written rules, and also generally have means of discussing problems, renegotiating the terms, etc…I kind of wonder if couples planning on getting married couldn’t learn a lot from their analogs in that world:)</p>
<p>attitudes to money
importance of sex
knowing how to fight fair
how much you like each other
being honest…
but not excessively honest
if your expectations are realistic
whether you want children
your approach to raising/tolerating children
willingness to persevere</p>
<p>I can’t help myself - my husband just sang to me at his first show. My friend told me we are a cute couple and obviously love each other very much. 32 years strong. I’m feeling all mushy inside :)</p>
<p>“Maybe one of the most important things is to see how well couples practice “compromise” before marriage.”</p>
<p>I often jokingly tell a couple that if they can choose a Christmas tree, cut it down, get it into the tree stand and decorated without a huge argument, they will be fine. </p>
<p>Love doesn’t fix everything. Some times in premarital counseling I point out a glaring difference or cause for concern and one of them will say, “but we LOVE each other”. And those are the couples that have ended up divorced.</p>
<p>I remember one couple (my organist at the time) and her fiancee met with me and we got on the topic of children. He already had one from a previous relationship. I asked about them having children and they answered at the same time: “Of course” and “No”. That’s not something you can compromise on (half a child? share one with another couple and each spend a week/month with it?).
Fortunately they had eight months until the wedding and did come to an agreement - to end the relationship, since she really wanted to have a baby and he really did not.</p>
<p>Speaking of in-laws, they change over the years, too.<br>
I do think it’s good to know what your really like about the other. Because you will remind yourself of that, over the years. Similarly, my mother used to tell me to have some good life experiences before settling down, for those memories.<br>
It’s not all about love, much is about commitment. That can drive the will to make things work well.</p>
<p>re the Christmas tree- does it count if one spouse does all of the above? I was raised with Christmas, H wasn’t (India ). Quit doing it when kid was a teen- no one cared for my secular holiday efforts and it wasn’t worth the work. Hindu relatives keep doing the tree thing with their college kids’ input.</p>
<p>Marriage isn’t about compromise. It is more about any compromises not seeming like such. You don’t keep score and figure you’re okay with 50-50 or 60-40… If you feel you are tolerating things- hmmm.</p>
<p>Love doesn’t conquer all, which is why you discuss so much in the ideal world. However, it you overthink it you’ll never get married because you’ll find too may things to disagree on.</p>
<p>For me my H was the one person I was willing to throw out my rules for. Equality- not necessary. Of course part of why this worked is that he did treat me equally. I was willing to do things for him I thought would be deal breakers- because he didn’t expect me to do them. Likewise with so many other things- we were on the same page. We met and married after age 30- first time for both of us. We had a lot in common- including liking the same housing styles- I was comfortable with the one he owned and had decorated. Over 30 years later (29 married) we still prefer the same styles, politics, religious views, spending habits and so much more. </p>
<p>Something else. Differences can be good if they complement each other. You don’t want to marry your clone (gender aside). One shopper can take care of all of that so the other one doesn’t need to. One can do the finances even if the other is aware but hates it and trusts the spouse. </p>
<p>It is important to have kindness between H/W. Someone said that to me recently and it struck a code with me.</p>
<p>To add to what oldfort said - respect. With respect, comes the ability to be flexible, compromise and work out a solution that would be beneficial for the “stakeholders” of the family - both partners. :)</p>
<p>Also -the old-fashioned BATNA principle works both in business and in family negotiations! </p>
<p>I love what wis said. It is about compromise, but not keeping score. And the Christmas tree is a good one 
My mother told me when I got married to take a good hard look at his father because that is what he will become. Boy was she WRONG! My husband is nothing like his father, or his mother. He is his own person. But yes, my father is much like my grandfather, and my brother is much like my father. So I can see my mother’s perspective but I’m glad I didn’t turn my husband back in because of his father. That would have been tragic.</p>
<p>Some of what concerns engaged/serious couples starting out are the discussions of specific topics many have brought up here. What I would add to this as equally valuable is the process and context of any significant talks. How does your partner respond to differences? What variables drive decisions- core values, convenience, avoiding conflict, pleasing parents, etc.? How do they react to major challenges, disappointments, or illnesses among family members or friends? How do they conduct themselves in a range of situations? </p>
<p>Observations are as important as discussions sometimes. Though thoughts on specific topics may morph over time, communication style and temperament may be more consistent. </p>
<p>A good test of a new relationship is whether the couple can travel together. This is when both parties get to see how the other copes w being out of the safety of their daily routines, and the truth comes out about whether they are “high maintenance” .</p>