<p>My mother said she knew dh was the one when he came and stayed with us in our cabin in Vermont one winter. My Dad had a stomach bug, various members of the party got crabby, it was freezing cold so we all ended up in the only warm room. Dh was by far the calmest one of all of us.</p>
<p>Before H and I got married we did a pre-marriage class (on a lark actually). We were to take pictures of “what represents my future spouse”, “how I think my future spouse sees me” and other scenarios. Totally interesting. I took a picture of an anchor–and my H returned with the same pix (of the same anchor) to represent me for the future spouse representation. Guess it worked.
Kids are a big deal–we hadn’t discussed it but neither of us had strong opinions–what will be will be. Worked for us but I DO know couples where that has been a disaster especially when one is totally against kids with strong opinions–a deal breaker.
Finances–another deal breaker if there is too much of an extreme.
And I wish low maintenance and loving spouses for my kids–you should find a soft place to land after a hard days work–not more work. And treat them to the same.</p>
<p>I agree with what @oldfort said upthread. Kindness is really important in a marriage, that sense of being on each others side. I used to think intelligence was the most important thing, but now I’m glad I lucked into such a good-hearted husband. </p>
<p>While kindness and compassion can mend bridges, I was thinking that amazing sex is pretty therapeutic too.
:)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agreed. Unfortunately, low maintenance and loving spouses seem to have gone out of style for many folks. </p>
<p>Especially for those who don’t like loud confrontational arguments, discussions, or unreasonable demands* after a long hard day at work/taking care of the house & kids. </p>
<ul>
<li>Demands for spending well-above budget of couple/SO, SO volunteering spouse for something without telling him/her beforehand, getting large high maintenance pet without consulting SO or anyone else in family, etc.</li>
</ul>
<p>To me, KEY for everything is figuring out how to discuss and resolve differing points of view. If you have a good way to do this, nearly everything else can be worked out. You can’t anticipate EVERYTHING but if you have a good method of hearing each other out and being heard, things can be resolved and the partnership can grow and flourish without resentment and power games. For me, this is a key part of any dynamic and healthy relationship. ;)</p>
<p>One of my long term BFs had a very difficult time talking about challenging issues and would tend to clam up and expect me to read his mind. My mindreading skills have always left much to be desired and I really prefer open and honest discussions instead of brooding and other strategies. I am fortunate that H and I are able to discuss pretty much everything we need to and come to agreements (especially about our kids and finances and extended family). Have seen marriages where this isn’t the case and it can be very uncomfortable for all concerned.</p>
<p>A few more ideas (with some overlap of what’s already been mentioned)</p>
<ol>
<li>Spontaneity versus planning. </li>
<li>How do you react to a crisis or setback, especially how you analyze it and whether you feel compelled to assign blame. Come up with some hypothetical scenarios, like a car accident, layoff or health situation and talk it through.</li>
<li>Under what conditions would you move far away from a home you loved? </li>
<li> How would you respond if various members of the family attack either spouse? Talk it through ahead of time…because too often, if you haven’t, you are speechless and then your spouse feels abandoned.</li>
</ol>
<p>
This one is huge … and the corollary of discussing what religious exposure each person want the children to have … it’s tough to compromise and bring up a child both as a born again Christian and an Orthodox Jew.</p>
<p>I heard an interesting comment the other day. A lot of relationships would be a lot better if spouses treated each other in the same manner as they treat their children. Obviously not in all dimensions … but in tolerance for imperfection, resisting expressing anger, unconditional love, etc. There is a purity with which one parents and if that same approach can be carried into the marriage that would help many a marriage.</p>
<p>In essence … “love the spouse on the couch”.</p>
<p>I don’t know if someone already mentioned this in the context of finances but if I had to do it again, I would want to see a credit report. If there are red flags, it is a good time to discuss it and fix it. Once you are married, anything you need to buy together, house, insurance, … is viewed as one entity. You don’t want any bad surprises once you found your dream home. </p>
<p>So,…I get “should” but how does anyone go about fixing it if your ideal mate is lacking in some respect? What do you do if your partner you are deeply involved with has a huge debt? Or as in the example on the first page, what do you do if you have to have a pet/kid and your mate insists over my dead body?</p>
<p>One irony in this discussion is that sometimes it’s better if the spouses aren’t alike. Two “neat-freaks” will never agree on where things should be, and how they should be arranged. Two super ambitious people may find problems when they both have jobs that require 125% commitment (especially when children arrive). Two obsessive planners probably don’t have the same goals about what to plan. </p>
<p>I don’t have any prescription for how to evaluate these things, and most couples just “play it by ear” or resolve things as the go along. Of course you don’t want someone so “opposite” that they attempt to undermine what you’re doing, but having someone who doesn’t care quite as much about the same things is potentially very useful. </p>
<p>One of my favorite malapropisms is “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.” I think it applies to a lot of marital conflict. </p>
<p>If you really have to have a pet or a child and your sig other doesnt, that is too big of an issue to continue, IMO, because each of you will be spending time and energy they could spend on other things on getting their partner to change their mind.
They arent going to change their mind and neither are you.
Will not end well.</p>
<p>I had to laugh when someone mentioned the Christmas tree, my S and wife claimed I was a Christmas purist, and my wie always wanted the Charlie Brown tree while I was looking for the perfect one (my wife has a big heart, is a complete smush pot, and feels sorry for the tree no one wants…needless to say, at one point we were living in a studio apartment with 6 stray cats she rescued…). This past Christmas with our S away at school she came with me to cut a tree at a tree farm, and it was funny, we agreed on a tree quickly that turned out to be a beauty (and actually, my wife will complain I am a purist or worse, but once the tree was up each year, she loved it…).</p>
<p>One of the more interesting books I read on why people get together, for good and bad, Is a book called “Getting the Love You Deserve” by Harville Hendrix. Its basic premise (which I am not going to claim is either total truth or total bs) is that we are often attracted to other people for reasons going back to how we grew up, either recreating things from our old environment or trying to make them right…while I don’t think it is the be all end all, it does give good room for thought, I would highly recommend it to young couples,it at the very least gets you thinking about things like incompatibilities, etc…</p>
<p>As I was 40 with 2 kids, several boxes of ornaments and from a state where a certain type of pine is not available in WA, and H was nearing 40 with an equally large collection, and liked tiny “chasing” lights, on a "traditional tree, while I preferred the larger twinkling ones, we did the only sensible thing. We trade off years. It started that I would have “my” year when my kids were with me at Christmas. We still do that even though both have been on their own for some time now. The kids get to hang their own ornaments on either tree or on their own if they get one. </p>
<p>It’s a perfect solution, and one that speaks to how well we can compromise. In my previous marriage, my ex would have shrugged his shoulders and let me do what I wanted, then build to a slow boil about how I decided everything. It was the type of personality I KNEW I did not want in a next partner. I’d have walked away if H had been like that.</p>
<p>Perhaps some divorced friends and relatives can be asked for warnings about what will not work out and should be avoided or resolved beforehand.</p>
<p>Sseamom, reminds me that a big issue can be whom you visit at holidays and for vacations. Friends would trade off Thanksgiving and Christmas, each year. </p>
<p>I think it’s hard know what will be a deal breaker beforehand. It may be good to have a few serious relationships to sort out before settling with the one.</p>
<p>One I didn’t see mentioned but I figure would be important are expectations on risk management, specifically in how it relates to savings. I could see getting very angry one’s spouse refused to take any financial risk ever, but also if a spouse took excessive reckless financial risk. </p>
<p>@ sseamom-
We tried that, my wife wanted to buy a small tree in a pot we could plant in the spring…even though it was of course small, I agreed…anyway, it looked nice, but for whatever reasons our attempts to keep it alive didn’t work, the poor thing died, sadly…and I think she decided a cut tree wasn’t such a bad thing:). We also alternated when we put the tree up, she came from a tradition where you decorate Christmas eve, in my family we always decorated it well before Christmas:). True compromise…</p>
<p>A comedian had a great routine about this, he described talks of who handles what before he got married: </p>
<p>The wife to be talking : “Well, since you are the primary wage earner and generally are really good, I think you should handle the important things”</p>
<p>Husband to be : “Oh, you mean like where we will live?”
“Oh no, not that, that is too small a thing for you to be worried about, I’ll handle that”
“Do you mean, then, things like how much money to save?”
“No, dear, that is too trivial a thing for you to be handling, you should concentrate on the important things”
H to be (getting frustrated) “Well, do you mean like how many kids to have?”
W to Be " Oh, no, dear, leave that to me, it isn’t important enough for you to worry about"…</p>
<p>And it goes on like this…finally, the H explodes,. and asks “Well, okay, since you have taken on all the less important ones, just what is not too trivial for me to decide?”</p>
<p>W to be smiles sweetly “Well, you know, the really important things…nuclear disarmament, world peace, reforming the tax code, all the really important things in life…”</p>