<p>"So,…I get “should” but how does anyone go about fixing it if your ideal mate is lacking in some respect? What do you do if your partner you are deeply involved with has a huge debt? Or as in the example on the first page, what do you do if you have to have a pet/kid and your mate insists over my dead body? "</p>
<p>There are ways to work around those things. I can’t imagine either of these being a deal breaker over a marriage. Debt brought into the marriage is family debt. You both work to pay it down. Another option is doing as one of my friend’s husband did, told her she’d have to pay off her debt, which was all frivolous debt (spendaholic) before they’d marry. That worked for them.</p>
<p>As far as having a pet, there is compromise. You can always spend a lot of time with your neighbor’s or friend’s dog, borrowing it every now and then. You can do what my family plotted. I never wanted dogs, didn’t like them at all. My youngest son really wanted a dog, and when I saw him on the couch snuggling with his imaginary dog, what could I do? So I started paying attention to dogs, and I picked the breed. Instead of what my original vision of what a dog was, a big, scary, slobbering irritant, I ended up with two little sweet dogs that I love very much. So much for not being a dog person. Whether to have a dog or not isn’t worth giving up on a marriage.</p>
<p>Here is my quick Friday lunch time Top 10 list:
10. How will we plan, shop for, and cook and clean up after meals?
9. What constitutes “cleaning the house” and which of us will be responsible for what part of cleaning the house?
8. Will we maintain a joint bank account and how will we determine whether or not to pay for a particular item - oh, and do you keep track of expenditures as you use your debit or charge card or checkbook?
7. How will we handle paying our bills (who will do what to make sure payments are not missed)?
6. Where will we live and will we rent or buy - and if we have a yard, will we maintain it ourselves - and if so, who will do what?
5.Where will we spend holidays (list each holiday important to you) and vacations?
4. Will we have kids - and if so, when - and who will do what in terms of caring for the kids - oh, and should we pay for their college, and if so, how will we plan for that?
3. Can you stand clutter on counters, in drawers, in bedrooms - or does it drive you nuts?
2. Will you love me even if I gain weight - and when I get old and wrinkly?
Will you keep your sense of humor in spite of everything that will happen in our lives?</p>
<p>No, it’s not really all that serious - but it works. :)</p>
<p>My ex-fiance and I broke up partially over the fact that I’m not sure I can have children. I am fine with adopting but he was not- for him, that was a deal-breaker. And that’s fine. I found someone else that I’m much happier with </p>
<p>For me, no pets would be an absolute deal-breaker. Then again, I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t love animals as much as I do. </p>
<p>Debt, for me, is not. Luckily, it’s not for my fiance either. He’s going into our marriage with ~15k of debt. Mine is almost quadruple that (mostly from grad school). For me, the deal breaker would be if the large debt was for something like a car or boat because, to me, it shows a level of financial irresponsibility that I don’t want to deal with. </p>
<p>So interesting to read this thread…IMO some of the biggies should be discussed and, hopefully, over the course of being together a year or two (or more), they would: wanting/not wanting kids, what/how religious, compatibility over money matters/views of money matters, etc. </p>
<p>Beyond that, the most important thing, really, is how well the couple can discuss and work though times of disagreement. The issue isn’t really whether or not both like the same amount of clutter but, rather, if one person says to the other, hey, the clutter on the kitchen counter really bothers me and the two can discuss it and figure out a way to meet both person’s needs–whatever that is. Could mean one person starts picking up after her/himself more or, after discussion, the person who’s bothered, picks it up and puts it elsewhere or some other resolution. To me, there’s a compatibility issue around communication and resolution that’s much more important than any specific problem.</p>
<p>Having them pay off the loan before marriage is a good idea. I am not concerned about a small loan of a year or two annual salary. I was thinking someone with $100-200K loan with much less lucrative salary.</p>
<p>I haven’t read to the end yet but popping by to include the 1. cheesy but important Love Languages (more and more important I find the further you get from the romantic beginnings) and 2. that ALL relationships go through cycles some last a year or two and 3. That around kids’ age 4-6 is when lots of women want a divorce (and the reasons therefore).</p>
<p>musicprnt, last year I found a “cut your own” place about 30 minutes from Seattle that has imported and grows the kind of tree I love. We drove out to the middle of nowhere and my VERY citified H lay on the ground on one of the coldest days of the year (record-breaking, in fact) to cut down “my” tree for me. I was giddy with happiness over that tree, but more important was my H doing several things he does not like just to make me happy, without my even asking. It really was an illustration of how much he cares for me.</p>
<p>A loan of 2 years salary is a pretty big loan. A loan at 2 years salary is 6 years you can’t save thus 6 years you can’t retire, or 1.5 children you can’t have. I can’t imagine finding such a loan inconsequential. You could argue that it shouldn’t stop a marriage, as the marriage is just worth more than that, but it’s hardly inconsequential and would have to be a very serious consideration IMO. </p>
<p>Too be honest, after reading this thread, I’m not sure I want to get married(if I’m not already married), it sounds like a Spanish inquisition.
Sometimes you have to take a little bit of a risk in life.</p>
<p>I think any conversations should make sure they cover the true controversies: sex, politics, religion. </p>
<p>Early on in our marriage, DH would come to bed and I would say “did you lock the door?” He would say “no” and I would grumpily get out of bed and lock it. It became a major source of annoyance for me; I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t lock the doors. Finally I asked him why he didn’t lock the door, and he said “why didn’t you?” Turned out my father always locked the doors in the evenings and his mother always locked the doors in the evenings. I decided I could lock the doors and he took to asking “do you need me to lock the doors?” </p>
<p>I think any discussion of a long-term relationship should include “how are we going to resolve problems and disagreements?” and NOT a discussion of all the potential problems. </p>
<p>It’s really that silly and that important, no?</p>
<p>It always turns out to be the little things. </p>
<p>If we are not asking questions, but asking what makes a good marriage work? I’d say sense of humor and making sure you really understand exactly what the other person is saying.</p>
<p>I have to say I’m with JHS - We didn’t really discuss these things before marriage and I’m not sure that either of us could have given answers that stood the test of time. We’ve both grown and matured over the last 30 years together, and today we’re unified on things that neither of us would have ever envisioned saying or doing at that time. Some things that bugged me about him I’m now happy that he did, and some things about me that bugged him, he’s happy that I did those things my way.</p>
<p>Even though I married at 22, I had had many boyfriends and thought a lot about what I wanted in a husband. I wanted someone who was never going to be boring and always treated me very well. I had lots of boyfriends who treated me very well but very few who weren’t boring. When we were talking about getting married, I told him how many children I wanted (and inflated the number just in case) that I intended to be a homemaker, and that I was ready and willing to live away from where we both were raised. That I didn’t really care how much money we had as long as I didn’t have to work outside the home and that I didn’t really care if he wanted to raise the kids in his religion… which he really didn’t want, so no problem there. I said if we did raise them in a church, everyone was going to church. The whole family was participating. I said I would wait on children till he was established in his career but no longer and that that needed to happen before I was 30. I can’t remember if he had any requirements at all. I do remember him telling me no way I’d be able to have a fancy house if I married him (because I really like houses) because it would be impossible on what he anticipated his income to be. I already knew if I was most concerned about material comfort, I wouldn’t be marrying him. There were other options, if that was my priority. Turned out I did get a couple of fancy houses after all.</p>
<p>In my teens, I had read something Margaret Mead wrote about not choosing the right father for her child. I thought a lot about who I wanted as the father of my children.</p>
<p>At age 58, I still can’t believe how wisely I chose. A lot of it is just luck.</p>
<p>Funny part…sometimes even first dates do become one and only dates for that very reason. </p>
<p>I don’t know too many folks who’d want to be friends…much less marry someone who acted the part of an IRS auditor or one who treats a first date and if one’s foolhardy enough to stay to become SO/spouse as free therapy to vent one’s neverending litany of emotional crises and tales of woe. </p>
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<p>How does one get accused of being boring in a dating/romantic context? What does this mean?</p>
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