<p>D will be married next year. She has significant debt from medical school. Her future husband has no debt as his parents were able/willing to pay for all of his education. When I asked her if they had discussed this, she said they had. He said he is blessed/lucky to be debt free and has no problem with her debt. I thought he was ‘a keeper’ before, but I am absolutely sure now.</p>
<p>H & I we both the opposite on most things, I would be pick A on both questions and I think he would pick B for both questions.
But we have a commitment to stay married, our marriage is reasonable good. He’s always have my back and I’ve always have his. He is a stress buster for me so I want him around. Funny when we first got married, looking back now, I think both sides of our families probably thought we would have a starter marriage. But we’ve been married 25+ years plus. Not bad for opposite attracts.</p>
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<p>Premarital debt won’t become a joint debt after marriage though.</p>
<p>Maybe he feels blessed that his wife is well-paid doctor.</p>
<p>When my ex-husband first brought up marriage, I told him there were a lot of things we hadn’t discussed that needed to be addressed before we made that kind of decision. We were on a long car drive and he said “Like what?” and I proceeded with a list of questions. Was he willing to raise the kids Catholic? Was he willing to move South because I hate winter and wanted to move? Discussions about debt and how to manage finances were included in that. He gave me all the “right” answers right then and there. Well, guess what? While we got married in the Catholic church, the kids were raised Baptist, we all still live in Michigan, we argued about finances endlessly. I think it is more important not to just ask the questions, but observe whether their current lifestyle really supports the answers they provide. </p>
<p>One of the most important things, imo, isn’t that you are spitting out the " right"answers, but that both of you have exhibited a willingness to discuss concerns and conflicts and an ability to compromise.
Generally, there are opportunities to demonstrate this before you marry, rather than one partner being so eager that they just cave to what the other one wants.
That mind set doesn’t always last that long.</p>
<p>If a couple has been together for five years, I would hope that many of these discussions would have already occurred, between the two in the relationship, and also between parent and child. I can’t imagine, at the time of an engagement, launching into a laundry list of issues with my child and suggesting that she and her s/o discuss them and come to some kind of agreed upon action to each. My Ds who are married, and those who are not yet married, have all lived with their significant others prior to marriage. They know the future in-laws and family members well. They’ve had the opportunity to explore many of these concerns long before it’s time to start planning a wedding. </p>
<p>In terms of timing, I think this should all be considered and evaluated before there is an engagement ring and any announcements. It is much harder to break an engagement than to end a non-engaged BF-GF relationship. I also agree that it’s not enough to just ask and discuss. You have to use your knowledge of the person to figure out what you think is really going to happen. A marriage and family counselor can help. I’m not sure all clergy are up to the task, and they generally don’t get involved until there’s a ring and a date, when the stakes are higher.</p>