Strong gpa, but maturity does not match gpa. He is doing terrible in ap gov to the point that I broke my promise to myself to not contact teachers this year to figure out if he was misleading me. I learned he had never approached the teacher once, teacher assumed the grade he was receiving was par for the course. I encouraged son to show that he cared, to talk to the teacher after class, establish rapport, study tips, maybe retake something. He claims he has been meeting with him.
The grade continued to slide for 4 weeks, so before break I emailed teacher and he tells me my son has still never approached him! The teacher went on to say he’s too old for a parent to be involved (I agree). My son asked why I’m embarrassing him. Can someone explain why a 16-year-old who claims to have big college dreams would blow off a teacher and lie about it? This is shaping up to be a D+/C, he’s never done worse than a B+.
Any advice appreciated. I know it can be really paralyzing for some teens to talk to teachers, especially teens from our background. The teacher does not see it that way. I asked the teacher if he could do the approaching and he outright declined to do so. Thank you
Kids lie when they know their parents won’t like hearing the truth. In this case, the truth was that he didn’t want to talk to his teacher…so he lied to get you off his case.
As for his “big dreams,” let him suffer the consequence. It won’t be the end of the world if he doesn’t go to a “big dream school”. In fact, he’ll learn a valuable lesson that may save him from a future BIGGER problem.
During the second semester of my junior year, I put myself in a similar situation. My grades were dropping, and I simply didn’t have the time to put in the effort and work needed to get them back up. I kept reassuring my parents that all was well until actually the last day of school. I knew that they were not going to be happy with what they heard and I was not looking forward to the “I told you so” moment. Then, when my final GPA came out, it pretty much exploded in my face.
As a student, I would recommend that you take more of an active role in monitoring his grades, but try to stay off his back a little. Work from behind the scenes, I guess. Emailing the teacher is not going to do your son any favors beyond the original kick to get going, but rather most likely just embarrass him. What I would have liked is if my parents would have made it known that my best effort was a higher priority than my final grade.
That said, it is definitely going to be a reality check for him. Hopefully, he realizes that, and decides to get his act together next semester, when he will likely have somewhat of a fresh start.
“Son, I’ve already ‘done’ 11th grade. This is your responsibility. If you want to go to Podunk Technical College, that’s fine with me, but it will be your choice. I’m not paying for High-Priced U if you can’t show me you’re willing to work hard to get there.”
It’s not just the APgov teacher because another teach had a similar take on his lack of effort in approaching her about a random assignment. Caught him misleading me about that as well.
As for hating APgov. He does. But he picked his schedule, I had zero say. And nobody enjoys every class. You need self-discipline to push through boredom, maturity to approach teachers, etc.
I didn’t go to college so there is a sense of “what do you know” in the house too ):
Some students will do better at Podunk Tech than at Competitive State U. I’d not be happy either tho. For my kids I simply said that nagging or nudging was part of my job description but the rest was up to them. Maybe the discussion is best focused on his goals for the future and the things that will promote goals or impede them. And it is best if his goals are honored in the conversation. He may not care about getting into Competitive State U. He may have his eye on a technical training program at Podunk Tech.
“For my kids I simply said that nagging or nudging was part of my job description but the rest was up to them.”
I like this approach a lot. This seems like it would force a student to take control over their own work, but still leave some room for the parent to have some oversight.
You can’t make an 11th grader do their work. Nor can you make them do what you would do in a given situation. (Although that is a superpower I would dearly love to have!!!)
Have you done any college visits with him yet? My kids got more motivated when they could see what they were working toward. It was abstract for them before that. My D1 was most motivated by going to a small regional LAC that was a low match or safety for her. She told me later that she said to herself, “It is nice, but I think I can do better.” She buckled down after that, and did improve her GPA and test scores, and thus her college choices. I’d take him to a couple of colleges he is likely to end up at if he tanks some of his grades this year.
Since when are parents supposed to be uninvolved with their high school child’s schooling? Most schools have grades posted online so parents CAN be involved. Ask for a meeting with the guidance counselor. GC can invite the teachers. Embarrass the kid if that’s what it takes. My friend’s son started the year with bad grades. She nags at him, threatens to take away the sport that he loves, he whines, he hands in a few assignments, he brings up grades to A’s and B’s. That’s not my method but works for her. At 16, he still loses computer time and has limits on TV if his grades aren’t high enough. He couldn’t go to a concert because he didn’t complete summer homework. He has the ability, but I think he just likes the attention of having his mother nag him.
Another friend had a very bright son, in an IB program when they were hard to get into, and son just thought he was better than his teachers, knew more than them. He’d already picked out his college so my friend made an appointment with an admissions counselor who looked at the kid and said ‘You won’t be admitted with these grades.’ That was the end of the substandard high school work. He saw the light. He realized he had to have a better gpa overall, not just in the courses he liked, or with the teachers he liked. He was admitted to that college and did very well. His brother and sister did too, but they didn’t need the ‘scared straight’ afterschool special to get on the right track - they learned from him that in order to get into the college, high school grades matter.
If you take your son to a rather nearby reach school that interests him and have him talk to admissions about grades needed, then he may realize that you’re right. And it will inspire him to work for his grades.
I suggest starting an honest, open discussion with your son that has nothing to do with grades, teachers, or lying.
Try to get him to open up about his life goals. What kind of life would he like to have, and what job or career holds interest for him? Does he know what it takes to get that job? Will it take just 4 years of undergraduate college, or will he need to go on to graduate school?
If he does have some idea of what he wants to do, can you help him connect with someone that is already doing that job? Someone that would allow him to shadow alongside and see what daily job duties would entail?
Working with HIS goals in mind, you can then work backwards. If he needs a certain kind of college degree, where does he need to attend to get it? And then, backwards from there, what does it take to get accepted into that college that he would need to attend?
Like the suggestion to visit some local colleges and see what his options are. You might also visit the local community college as a contrast, to show him where he might have to attend if he continues letting his GPA slip.
1stgenmom, any parent who tells you their kid never lies about school is lying. Don’t feel alone.
Regarding your son: Agree with other posters that your son probably needs to reap what he sows as a life lesson. A disappointing grade, like a skinned knee after a bad fall, is part growing up. He will mature from this experience. Don’t interfere with life lessons. It will be futile. You’ll stunt him – and frustrate everyone around him, including teachers and yourself.
Regarding your role: Your post was refreshingly honest. Distancing yourself from his consequences is one of the hardest things a parent has to do. I admire parents who successfully resist the temptation to intervene and who are humbled by admitting its difficulty. His consequences are a result of his actions, alone. His grades, whether an A or a C, is entirely his. Do not confuse that with your effort and your results as a parent. You’re on this forum so it’s obvious that you care about his outcomes and your influence on it. But you can do, and should do, only so much. He has to live his life. In the long run, a “C” may be the best thing to have happened to him (and you as a parent).
Has he ever needed to talk to a teacher before? He might feel very shy and self conscious about this and is lying to avoid the situation. Can you talk to him about why he is so reluctant to speak with the teacher?
I don’t know anything about your son, but our oldest daughter was shy and had a lot of anxiety in high school and absolutely could not approach teachers. She would have rather taken a poor grade than approach a teacher about getting extra help. She was always extremely honest about everything else, but would have told me anything she thought I wanted to hear to get out of approaching a teacher. She also recognized what the consequences might be but it was not enough to force her into talking to a teacher. She just needed some time to mature- she was not ready to go off to college and attended our local cc and then transferred to a university. By that time she had gotten over it- she did very well and found that talking to instructors could be a huge resource. She is now a high school teacher and also part of her District’s training program- I never thought she would ever be able to get up in front of several hundred people to talk. I think her experience has made her more compassionate towards her students as she understands how hard it is for some of them to get extra help.
Do you have some kind of parent portal that you see your son’s grades?
How was last marking period’s grades?
If they are dropping, then you need to look into if there is drug use.
Also talk to the guidance counselor.
Your son may be embarassed, or may be using that as an excuse to try to get you to stop looking into things.
