My daughter met her boyfriend 7 months ago and while I ( as a dad) had my suspiscions about him, I keep them to myself. He seemed a bit possessive and egotistical. About 3 months into there relationship he started making comments about what how I dressed and made comments to my wife that it was obvious she was the dominant person in the household. He also complained about the pressures his parents were putting in him because he was working part time and going to school. At one point he and his best (only ) freind starting making plans in moving in as roommates and asked my daughter to help him find homes. That kind of set me off and I nw and my wife spoke to our daughter about our concerns. She agreed with our conclusion of sitting down and making him aware of our concerns. Aside from the above, they were constantly spending time together even most days of the week. My daughter lost interest in her career goals and lost interest in socializing with other people. The night we spoke to him was civilized and cordial, he acknowledged his mistakes and apologized. We also laid some ground rules moving forward. One of them was ( because we had our suspicions) they could not be at his house alone. One of his parents had to be there. Anyhow, they both agreed. Fast forward 4 weeks and we found out our daughter purposely lied to us and spent most of the night at his house alone. My wife called her BF and confronted him about this. He did not deny it. My wife called his mom and made her aware of the situation. We all agreed to have a sit down with both families to discuss before it got out of control. 3 days later and 2 days before we were to meet our daughter makes a comment on ibstragsn calling us the worst and most controlling parents in the world. That of course irked us to say the least. We asked her is she really felt that way and said she overreacted. We asked her if this was in any way being influenced by her BF. We later found out she was basically texted everything we said to him and his mom. She called my wife and started saying we belittled her son by sitting him down and accusing him of things he didn’t do. He accused us and our friends of being racists which couldn’t be further from the truth. After much back and forth we called off the meeting because I did not want to put myself in a bad situation and have it spiral out of control. He subsequently texted me to opologize and then went on to say he did do the things we accused him of, and he did not need our approval to date our daughter. He also regretted changing his personality after we sat him down and said that’s wasn’t the person he is!!’ Now granted, for the approximately 4 weeks after our sit down with him things were actually normal!! He ended it by saying this was none of our business and then after realizing he screwed up again he apologized!!! The sad part about this story is even after several forced and voluntary breakups. She continues to want to be with him and ignores or claims he has changed his ways!! I for one can’t accept that!! Any suggestions please???
How old is your daughter?
And one more question: is she currently in college now or starting in the fall?
And how old is the BF?
Your concerns were his comments about what you wore, and that he wanted your daughter to help him find a room, and he complained about the pressures his parents put on him as a student who was also working part time? And you had a sit down with your daughter about this?
Do I have this correct?
Of what race(s) are the parties involved?
Why would this matter?
Not much you can do. Especially if she’s 18.
Your daughter is 18. I’d focus on her behavior. Lying and making rude comments about family members on social media isn’t very mature. Who’s paying her bills? If she wants to be an adult maybe it’s time she got a job and contributed to household expenses like an adult.
This is a complicated story. I do know one thing, I think: when he started making frequent comments to you that crossed your boundaries, you would probably have been better off quietly taking him aside and calmly telling him so to his face.
Why did he claim you are racists? Are you and he of different races?
Oops…how could I have missed the age?
"One of them was ( because we had our suspicions) they could not be at his house alone. One of his parents had to be there. Anyhow, they both agreed. Fast forward 4 weeks and we found out our daughter purposely lied to us and spent most of the night at his house alone. My wife called her BF and confronted him about this. "
Sounds like a problem with your daughter. She knew the rules and broke them. It’s her fault correct? One can expect some follow through from one’s own child, with someone else it might be nice but you have much less control there as you have discovered. If your daughter won’t follow your rules why do you expect the boyfriend to do so?
Since she is 18, you can’t make her do anything but you could make consequences but be very careful of that. You might get a result you don’t want.
You can set the rules for her to live in your house as a ‘take it or leave it’ deal, but don’t be surprised if she leaves.
She’s 18, so I assume she just graduated from high school. Things are going to change in a lot of ways including her needing to make decisions about how she spends her time. If you don’t want the BF at your house, she’s going to want to be at his house. (or at his new apartment) and he and his parents get to set the rules about what happens at their house. You can REQUEST they not allow BF to host your daughter when they aren’t there, but it is their house.
If she’s going away to college in the fall, then you have the summer to get through. After that, she can pretty much make all kinds of decisions to spend unsupervised time with the boyfriend. What you want to do is prepare her to make those informed decisions.
Interesting first post for OP.
An 18 year old can date who she likes. If you want to help her learn to manage relationships, talk with her (not at her) about how he treats her, how he makes her feel, what things about him appeal to her. Make sure she knows you love her and want her to be happy.
Telling an 18 year old that she cannot spend time alone with her boyfriend is a losing battle. You have in fact lost that battle. Learn to deal with that, and keep lines of communications open with her. Give up on getting him to behave the way you think a person should behave. He is his own person, like him or not.
- First year of college
If she’s 18, it’s not unusual for her to be spending the night at his place. At this age, sexuality is usually very much a part of a relationship. Her lying to you about it isn’t very mature, but on the other hand you clearly have issues with it, and she may have been trying to spare you concern and spare herself the drama.
I do agree that it matters if she lives under your roof and is being supported by you. In that case you can make the rules and expect her to obey them. Just know this particular issue may be one you won’t win.
I will say, I’m impressed that you seem to have been able to get through to the BF, since he’s apologized more than once to you. That indicates to me that you know how to speak to teenagers (assuming BF is one.) Which is already a pretty good indication that with time, understanding and a bit flexibility the four of you could reach some kind of equilibrium. Here’s wishing that happens, sooner rather than later.
- But acts like a 12 year old
One of my first steps would be make sure she is on birth control. Hopefully he is too.
You make sound innocent, but it was anything but. His comments to me were disrespectful. He was moving to a multi million dollar mansion he freind was buying after an inheritance and sending my drone pics and footage of his new bedroom!! . Also, at the time he complained about his parents he was working 10-12 hours a week and taking 3 classes. It had also only been 2 months since we met him
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