In college
LeastComplicated, I missed her age too-- it was in the title.
Tread lightly, zep6138. The last thing you want to do is drive your daughter away. She is old enough to see him if she wants to, and while you and your wife can set rules for what happens in your house, you can’t do the same for the young man’s house.
As long as he is not being disrespectful towards your daughter, try not to be too sensitive about comments he made about you or your wife in the past. Treat him respectfully now and hopefully he will reciprocate.
Do talk to your daughter about her career plans, but try not to make that conversation about the BF.
I don’t really understand what your “suspicions” are. Do you think he’s trying to cut her off from family and friends? Are you concerned they may be having sex? What are you worried about? You mentioned race. Are they different races? Does her boyfriend have reason to believe that might bother you?
Does your daughter attend a residential college? If so, will she be going back in the fall?
I agree that birth control for your D is critical, in a calm, non-judgmental way. Agree also keeping lines of communication with your D open is key—ask her to talk about how her BF makes her feel and listen carefully.
If I’m reading this correctly, it sounds like you parents are either from a conservative culture or religion with values different than your D’s BF and maybe some of her friends and most likely what’s portrayed on TV/radio. It is very difficult to have more conservative (or from your D’s standpoint, restrictive) values. Since your D is 18, even if she is living with you, you have to acknowledge to yourselves that she has the ability to make her own choices and she can leave. I think it’s best to have a discussion with your D, telling her that you love her and want her to have a happy life.
Talk to her about your values and why they are important to you, and ask her to at least respect your values. I think it’s OK for you to let her know how much you hope she will adopt those values as her own since those have led to a happy life for you. And that it’s OK to admit to her that you are worried that if she ignores your values that she will get hurt. (I’m assuming the issue with being in her BF’s house by themselves is you are worried that they will have sex, and that you are worried at least about pregnancy and probably about morality, and probably about forming that level of emotional attachment in a nonmarital relationship---- I’m making a lot of assumptions of your thoughts). Once she leaves your house, you will have no control over her and you will have to respect her boundaries, just as she has to respect yours. If you can lay the groundwork now about mutual respect and understanding, and a strong foundation (and reminders) of love, rather than obedience, I think that will really help your relationship going forward into her adulthood.
I don’t think there is any excuse for this boy being disrespectful. I also don’t like what you described in the original post of him being possessive and your daughter losing interest in her career and other friends. Those are red flags to me and I’d be worried and upset too.
The question is what to do going forward since your daughter is an adult and you don’t want to alienate her and drive her closer to this young man. Are there other family members that could raise some concerns to your daughter? Sometimes our children listen better to adults that aren’t their parents.
(Also agree with the others to make sure your daughter is using birth control.)
I see I missed an number of posts.
A huge yes to birth control! If possible, a method that does not depend on an 18 year old remembering to use it.
Hi! I just wanted to say I’m impressed with the advice a lot of the parents are bringing to the table. They’re recognizing that there are things out of OP’s control but there are things you can do to make the situation better, like making sure she has birth control, etc. and recognizing she IS an adult though she may be making decisions you’re not (understandably) happy with.
This is impressive to me because, well, I’ve been in OP’s daughter’s situation (and I’m not proud of it) and my parents were a lot like OP, and less like some of the parents in the comments. I was once the clingy girl who spent 24/7 with her bf. Even followed him out of state when he moved. My parents were not happy. I can assure you the more you try to separate your daughter and her bf the more pushback you will receive.
I eventually came to my own realization that I was giving up my own future. I think your daughter will do the same if you respectfully make your concerns known to her.
I can also assure you she will probably never have an honest conversation about what she’s “up to” with her bf as long as she thinks you will be judgmental and punitive. The only way honest, problem solving conversation will happen is if you try to come from a place of understanding. When you talk to her try not to make it sound like her bf is the enemy. It won’t go through.
Since we are not allowed to call posters the “T” word, I will say that I see many reasons to doubt the veracity of the story presented by the purported parent.
I can never tell, I guess I’m naive, but I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt ?
So has this 18 year old finished her first year of college at an away residential college? If so, the OP needs to understand that his daughter has some new independence.
I agree with both control…and she needs a summer full time job.
I guess I must be the meanest mom ever. I would not be happy if a guy came over and commented on how we dressed or acted rude. Yes, she is 18 but who is paying for her car, her phone, her school, etc. I know you do not want to alienate her but I would probably have to say that he is not welcome if he is rude. If they live in my house then they have to follow my rules. Being rude to parents is a bad sign because it indicates an underlying disrespect.
So I guess it’s everyones advice to look the other way, forget about his insults and trust your child to do the right thing??
No, the advice is don’t drive her TOWARD him, unless you want her moving into his “mansion,” and make sure she’s on birth control. No matter how much you might feel this is condoning something you don’t approve of, consider the alternative of him being in your daughter’s life (and yours indirectly) for the next 18+ years and all the drama that’s going to go with that - even if they split up.
Eighteen is a difficult age in our modern society.
She is not a child anymore (although forever your child) but not really an adult either (even though she could get married or join the military without your permission.) An 18 year old doesn’t usually have what it takes to live independently of parents, not in the modern world.
She may or may not make the decisions you consider to be right or best, but if you keep on engaging with her in a non-confrontational way, you can keep influencing her for her good. For this to happen she has to keep trusting *you! *
As to forgetting his insults, they are past insults? He isn’t continuing to insult you? Then yes, let bygones be bygones. He is not an adult either. The brain continues to develop into the early to mid- 20s.
The young man’s thoughts are his own but you can calmly let him know that he is a guest at your house and not to speak to you that way, when it happens. Not as a later lecture. Then go on with the pleasant thing you were doing. You really need to build a bond with your daughter so that there is a path back to you when she realizes what he is all about. You can’t show her his flaws or forbid her from spending time with him. It won’t work. You can set expectations for when she needs to be home as to not disturb the rest of the family.
Talk with your daughter about what classes she is taking next year. Do some activity with just her or her and your other children. Give her fun family memories, like going fishing or whatever your family likes. She needs to see you model good relationships.
Keep a close eye and attentive ear on your daughter’s relationship with this guy. He’s not simply rude. The guy’s opening move was to challenge you in your own house, gauge your reaction, then come again with another challenge after “sincere apology” diversions. This is the start of a game of dominance with an inexperienced player. He’s running it on your daughter, too, keeping her off balance. Testing the boundaries. That’s why she’s confused. It will escalate. Watch for signs of violence. Review domestic violence literature.
When this BF said something you considered rude, why did you not say something? WRT your D’s behavior, why are you calling a meeting of the BF and his parents. You have no control over them. And making sure your D is on BC is not condoning sex with her BF, it is acknowledging she is probably having sex and making sure she does not get pregnant. If it were me, I would make sure BF knows when you feel you are being insulted. I would tell my D, that while I would hope she would wait till she is in a committed relationship to have sex, if she is having sex now, she should consider BC. And I would help her make that appt with a Gyn.
I am totally guessing here.
But op are you perhaps a conservative Asian, Middle eastern or Indian family. There may be some cultural barriers and expectations that we are trying to understand. We all respect your values as your values. Please believe this to be true.
If so, I can understand that respect for one’s parents and education come before many other things.
The thought of the young man disrespecting his own parents in front of relative strangers and commenting on the internal workings of your family would be considered incredibly offensive.
And taking your daughters eye off the educational focus is upsetting as well.
If the other young man is not your culture, perhaps it would be good to sit and him down and have a nice conversation about your beliefs and family expectations. You can understand that he is not the same and perhaps come to some understanding. Tell him some stories about your life and the old country. Why you’re here for your family and what it means to you for her to be happy and educated too. What it means for him too.
He may also be intimidated by you and may also be following instructions from your daughter to stand up for their relationship. Maybe she’s rebellious a bit too.
I am making a wild guess here. But there’s nothing that can’t be fixed unless he is bad person. Sit them down together and tell them stories of your country and culture. Let them know how much you love her and want her to have a nice life. Which includes a having a nice boyfriend and getting a good education. Let him know how respect is earned and given. In both directions. Ask him to be part of the extended family and be part of the team. And you can perhaps start to appreciate him too.
If he’s not a nice young man, your daughter will see this and after you’ve all spoken and spent time together she will see it is you who really love and take care of her.
I am sorry if it offends you related to premarital sex. The posters are just being practical for you and I am sure do not mean to disrespect you or your religion. The opposite is most likely true.
Its just some practical advice to avoid any further complications for your family.
I think @privatebanker is right and there might be cultural misunderstanding here. The young man might be coming from a more informal family culture where his comments would not be considered offensive. The examples you gave sounded more awkward to me than truly offensive. I would look past manners and try to see if there are any signs he is not being kind and considerate to your daughter, and talk over them with her. Forbidding 18 year olds to meet without a parent present is not going to work and only invites rebellion.