If there are two different cultures involved here, the comment about how you dress could be based in lack of understanding, rather than an intent to be deliberately rude.
Well, we’re 40 posts in and OP isn’t clarifying what his issues are. If the bf is potentially abusive that’s a different situation than if the daughter is focusing a lot of attention on him because it’s a new relationship. It’s difficult to offer advice when we don’t really know what the problem is.
I don’t know if most parents would agree with me…In general most kids wouldn’t allow (tolerate) their SOs being disrespectful to their parents. They may have disagreements/fights with their parents, but it doesn’t mean it’s ok for their SOs to speak ill of their parents. I know a few times when their SOs didn’t treat me properly, they were on it before I said anything.
I think OP’s issue is more with the D rather than with the BF. For whatever reason she is giving the BF permission to treat her parents as such. This may be D’s first relationship and she may be purposely dating someone her father wouldn’t necessary approve. I know I did that at 17. My father was so strict, I went out of my way to date someone who was a “bad boy.” The good thing is (it usually happens) I came to my senses. I knew if I wanted to have a good life I needed good grades to go to college.
I don’t want to put it all on the D, I think OP needs to think about why his D is going out with someone like that, she may be trying to tell you something. I would have a talk with D about her relationship with BF, why does she think it is a good relationship, what is it about him that makes her happy. OP may find out a lot about the D. Of course this would all need to be done in a very calm, non confrontational way, and not in the hope of talking D out of stop going out with the BF.
I would also let D know your expectations of her - good GPA, summer work (and part time work during school year), help with housework, not be disruptive to them during week nights, etc for OP to continue to support D’s education.
As mentioned by other posters, you want the D to be able to come back to you if the relationship should go south (or an abusive relationship). If you cut her off or try to be too strict, she may be all alone and too dependent on the BF.
Best of luck. This is not an easy situation.
I’m not sure what you are looking for in terms of what to do? She is 18. She can do those things. She can sleep with who she wants…where she wants…when she wants. Her BF can insult the hell out of you and your family…behind closed doors she might even agree. Sorry dad! You can’t cut off a finger…put out a hit…etc. (Please know I’m joking…maybe). I’m dealing troubling times myself so I feel your pain but in other ways.
Does your DD know the clear expectations for your continuted support of her education? (job, GPA, etc, etc)? Other than making sure that she is on BCP and medically ok I would untangle myself from the boyfriend stuff. One other thing I would make mention of is drugs. You mentioned she had lost interest in something. That can be a warning sign that someone is on drugs. I missed some big warnings signs in my child who I thought was way too young to be on drugs (14). : (
Also, I would not let him in my house. : )
“Also, I would not let him in my house.”
Actually, I’d do the exact opposite. If he made a rude remark to me in my home, I’d call him out on it at the time. Otherwise, I’d much rather the young couple hang out at my home and be part of the family rather than doing who knows what, who knows where.
We have always made an effort to be a home where our children and their friends and partners feel comfortable hanging out, eating great food, playing games, watching movies, long talks, etc.
@zep6138 please read the book “the gift of fear”. See if the symptoms of manipulation and abuse ring true with the BF.
It is so very important that your D not get isolated by the BF. She needs to continue spending time with family, friends, and sports or other extracurricular activities.
Give her your support, let her know she can trust you to be there for her no matter what.
My immediate thoughts were along the line of Agreatstory and powercropper.
Even if my D’s BF did not like me my daughters would not like them being rude to us. In addition, if the boy cared for her he would care to not alienate her from her family. So many red flags. serious ones.
If you were writing before all these interactions went down, it’s possible to do a little more. Right now you have zero power over the situation. Your daughter is likely to lie, cheat, steal, give up the family secrets to her bae. You are the enemy. You have no clout any more. You can’t even make sure she’s on birth control. You can’t even effectively insist on respect and manners . Nothing.
This is a tale as old as time. You can get agreements, lay down rules , whatever, but it’s clear that your daughter is not trustworthy about keeping them. You have to sit there and patrol and monitor any provision that is important to you even if there is a severe penalty for any transgression.
You can ask her to leave the home for a while and stay away. Ha! Chances are good she’ll sneak back in. With the Bae. You’d need to change the locks and put in a good security system.
You can cut her off in term of any funding. Hopefully, she doesn’t steal from you or the other parent sneak stuff to her.
How do I know all of this? I’ve seen in many times. Many many times. Great young people, wonderful parents who have waged war on each other. These are not the people you’d expect to have come into this scenario; the ones Ive known. But that’s the place to which it degenerated.
There is no good answer. You can try all sorts of rules, deals , consequences, but if you child is not on your side and has you emotions in a vise, you are going to get squeezed till you scream. You are going to have to think long and hard about how to make it through this and hope the next pick isn’t as bad or worse. It can almost always be worse.
My brother went through this with his bright beautiful talented daughter when she was 17. Nearly caused a divorce. A breakdown. Good thing his wife was able to handle the situation. The bae got left in the dust when my niece went off to college. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes not. She graduated college, and is now married to someone to whom I think my brother would have had objections had he not gone through what he did with that high school boyfriend. He know it can get worse.
I wouldn’t be happy about this situation, either. Unfortunately, 18 year olds are legal adults. Your daughter is absolutely free to leave and shack up with the BF in his McMansion.
So, the questions you need to ask yourself are 1) What do I hope will happen here? and 2) How do I preserve my relationship with my daughter, who will be my daughter long after this loser is gone?
No young adult responds to being forbidden to do something. The days of being able to forbid your child are over. So you need to figure out how to communicate your concerns without driving her away. And as far as the guy goes, I’d go for a Machiavellian approach: keep him close by and don’t bar him from your house. It may be the only way to stay close to your daughter, and it will allow you to see what’s going on and possibly be a good influence on the guy.
We’re taking OP at his word on some of this. Eg, “he started making comments about what how I dressed…” Like what? Some curiosity or what?
CC posters are usually pretty fast on the draw, but I don’t think anyone caught that you apparently read her Instagram posts.
OP, you need to clarify, out of fairness to posters trying to offer honest perspective.
Once in college, we could set expectations for how the couple acted in our home. Only that. We never asked our girls to agree “to sitting down and making him aware of our concerns.” Or to carry them to him. Not our role. Nor called him or his mom! His mom, as if he was a 5 year old visitor?? Or asked for a sit down with them.
And so on.
I don’t know if this is a major cultural difference. But you’re treating a 7 month relationship (and this started just a few months in,) almost like an arranged marriage, a deal between families, taking some ownership of their relationship that you don’t have.
Think about it.
“CC posters are usually pretty fast on the draw, but I don’t think anyone caught that you apparently read her Instagram posts.”
One can’t assume this is any invasion of privacy. Many, many people keep their instagram accounts open to all or they could be “following” each other.
I follow my D on Instagram. It was one of our “conditions” when she started using social media as a young teen years ago so that didn’t raise any concern for me either.
It was a small point, in context. I follow, too, with their encouragement.
But OP is describing a very distrustful and, I think, very controlling manner. Possibly invasive. I’d like him to fill in the blanks.
OP is in a tough situation. There are huge red flags with the BF. If he acted controlling, understandable. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help. Good luck.
A red flag is calling the mother of a presumably adult young man.
I don’t think it is unusual for parents of two dating teens to discuss the rules about dating. It appears the OP is very conservative. At first I thought the daughter was in high school but even at 18 she’s living at home.
The OP hasn’t been in this conversation for a while. Commenters are getting pretty heated about a story that may or may not even be real.
Yes but at 18 it is odd to call his parents. I am not sure what was desired from doing something like that.
Yes, there were missteps taken by OP. But the biggest point here would be the change in the attitude of the daughter. Whether she is 18 or 28 or whether parents are conservative or liberal, her attitude could be a symptom of being in an abusive relationship. I would worry if my D acts that way after starting a relationship. Whether she is 14 or 40, I’d be worried and try to keep an eye on it whatever that entails.
Teens and young adults can be rebellious. The more you push the more they can push back. At 18 there is little you can do but be supportive. While you dislike the boy you need to tread carefully as you do not want to create a toxic relationship where she has to choose him or your family. You don’t want to go down that path. You have spoken and it did not change the relationship so now it is up for her to make her own decision. In time she will probably see what you see but love can put blinders on. Give it time to run its natural course.