<p>My son’s friend texted him last night that her parents had kicked her out. He wanted to know if she could stay with us. We said that would not be possible since we had to go to work the next day. Apparently she found another place to stay. This morning he asked if he could use my car to go talk to her and I told him no, since he lost his driving privileges due to staying out past curfew with this friend. We also told him she needs to resolve this issue with her parents rather than hiding out with friends. She is supposed to go away to college in a couple of weeks, she should be able to stick it out until then. I’m sure he wants to be the knight in shining armor, but he’s only 16 and doesn’t need to get caught up in her drama. Any advice?</p>
<p>From your previous posts, you are apparently not fond of this girl. I think you have to go with your instincts. However, I’m not sure you can prevent S from getting caught up in her drama. Discuss it with him adult-to-adult rather than adult-to-kid.</p>
<p>You’re right, sylvan, I’m not! His dad had a good talk with him last night, but this morning he ambushed me in the kitchen about using the car.</p>
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<p>Yes, but she does need safe places to stay in the meantime. It’s not as though she left her parents’ home voluntarily, after arranging for another place to stay. They kicked her out, and they may have caught her by surprise.</p>
<p>I would like to find out why she was kicked out before I tell my child to turn his back on a friend. What if the friend has abusive parents or parents involved in illegal activities and your son’s friend finally decided to have some sort of adult conversation with the parents but they refused to listen to her concerns and instead kicked her out?</p>
<p>Oh, brother, krlilies. What a spin!</p>
<p>More likely scenario- Parents told her “if you don’t obey the rules of the household and stop doing x, y, z you are not welcome to live here!” That translates into “they kicked me out” in teen-speak.</p>
<p>We obviously see things differently MOWC. I’m not a gullible person but I’d like to hear everyone’s version of a story before I start taking sides or refusing to extend a helping hand.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t go by just a text from the girl saying “they kicked me out,”–I would talk to the parents and find out their story. Maybe the girl just doesn’t want to live by her parents’ rules. Most parents would not leave their 18 yo without a place to stay–unless her behavior were unbearable. The girl is older than your son and you said she has already been a bad influence. IMO, if her parents won’t put up with her for a few more weeks, there must be a good reason (or they are abusive, or at least inept parents). Steer clear. If she needs a place for a couple weeks, it should be with a FEMALE friend her own age.
(I understand how boys can want to help or “rescue” a girl in trouble–S was in a situation like this last year, and it ended up causing him stress and wasting his time/energy, distracting him from his own work. S’s “friend” still has serious problems with family, drugs, mental health, etc. etc. It is hard for a kid to recognize that sometimes a friend’s problems can’t be fixed through care and concern. Friendship should be a two-way street, and if one person is a bottomless pit of needs, problems, drama, etc. the other has to ask him/herself if this a healthy friendship to be in.)</p>
<p>Here’s another vote to talking to the girls parents to hear their side of the story before making a decision. </p>
<p>My son’s friend is staying with us for a while (he’s 21 now) but when he was in high school we were contemplating having him stay with us because his parents would kick him out at the drop of a hat. No exaggeration from S’s friend as S had seen the abuse by the parents. Not physical abuse but mental. </p>
<p>So talk to the parents and find out their side and then make a decision. If it’s only for 2 weeks, what harm can there be. Or help her find a safe place to stay before she goes to college.</p>
<p>Since she has another place to stay, it would seem that she doesn’t need to move in with you. If she really can’t continue to stay there, then you could take steps to try to ascertain what is really going on and whether she is in fact in danger of physical or emotional abuse: talking to her, talking to her parents.</p>
<p>There are kids who have good reason to move out. There was a family in our town who were members of a cult-like church who had a son who moved out during HS and was taken in by a local family. (Other families involved in this church did stuff like shun their elderly father because he wanted to leave the church. Literally, neither his wife of 40+ years nor his children would speak to him or acknowledge his existence. Another person brought admittedly- sexual assault charges against a man who wanted to leave the church at the instruction of the pastor. A nutty bunch, to say the least.)</p>
<p>There are also kids who are manipulative liars, like the D of a friend who left home because her parents were angry that she took a family car and drove it when she did not yet have a license. (She was also a habitual thief, made multiple false abuse claims over a period of years with multiple targets, and so forth.) Yet some people bought into her lies and took her in.</p>
<p>You would need to determine what kind of situation you were really dealing with. Even then, I think that since you need to be at work, and since your S has already broken the rules with this girl, that it would be MUCH better if she stayed with a female friend.</p>
<p>Some years ago Mr. Ellebud and I came home to an extra child in our home. I won’t say details but there was a huge problem. On his second run for our home…in the rain…I called the police and they came and tried to ascertain what was going on. </p>
<p>End game: The young friend was permanently removed from his mother’s home. All kinds of abuse…listen to what the kids are saying. Verify…</p>
<p>I can say that if we (and neighbors who helped a lot) and the professionals in the police and judicial system, hadn’t done something the kid wouldn’t have lived.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your input and perspectives. One quick comment (I’m at work) - I have been told many times that this girl does not have rules so I am curious about what sparked the argument. Little Missy and I will have a heart to heart if necessary. I like the suggestions of talking to the parents and that she needs to stay with a female friend.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to remember that she’s 18. She’s not a minor, and her parents are not required to provide a home for her. </p>
<p>Your responses to the situation may need to be different than they would be if she were 16 or 17.</p>
<p>This may be just me, but under no circumstances would I talk to the girl’s parents without her knowledge and consent. You don’t know what’s going on in her family. The consequences of talking to them are unpredictable.</p>
<p>I’m not sure of why you don’t like the girl but I’m a 16 year old guy and one of my best friends is an 18 year old girl. I know my mom has issues with that because she believes she’s too mature for me or something along those lines. I think you should ask your son for details because this might not be a hero thing. I know if my friend was in this situation I’d wanna help her under any circumstances. </p>
<p>(I’m not sure how I came here. I thought I clicked hsl.)</p>
<p>I would also recommend finding out the whole story (if you are in a position to do so) before you try to stop your son from contacting her. This may very likely just be an argument between the girl and her parents about rules, but it might not be. I had a friend that had a falling out with her parents after she had some medical problems and ended up not graduating on time because she had to withdraw from her classes (her parents thought she was making it up). She was in college away from home and had other options than returning home, but I would hate to see what would happen if she was still living at home at the time and no one else was willing to take her in.</p>
<p>I also think it’s important to remember she’s 18. She’s must have some skills to be in the position to be going away to school.
I can understand you wanting to help out your 16 year old son, but following your instincts might be a better help to him than following his. I am not saying “stop your son from contacting her”, but you can say no about your house and car.
He may be the exception, but there can be a world of difference between the instincts of a 16 year old boy and an 18 year old girl.
Keep in mind your risk in intervening may be greater than his. I am in a hurry, and not sure how to say this, but there is a reason you have a home and a car, and he doesn’t.</p>
<p>Not every issue with a parent can be resolved. </p>
<p>You are welcome not to let her into your house but unless you know the whole story, I wouldn’t encourage her to just work things out. Nor should you be talking to her parents. If there’s abuse at all, you would be doing far more harm than anything else.</p>
<p>My older D had a friend who was.randomly kicked out by het stepfather, with her mothers consent. Luckily she had a wonderful aunt, who knew about the abuse and put her up whenever she got kicked out. We had to deal with the nutty stepdad…no question this girl was just trying to get away with something. OP’s right to close doors but in my experience it’s not always a sneaky teen.</p>
<p>Augh! I mean no question she WASN’T trying to get away with something.</p>
<p>DD had two friends, both boys, who were kicked out because they are gay.</p>
<p>This is not unusual and leads to gay teens having a high rate of homelessness. They can suffer tremendously if no one takes them in.</p>
<p>My DD’s gay friends completed their last two years of high school while living in other friends’ homes. Thank G-d for the parents who took them in.</p>