<p>My dd is a 19 yr old freshman at a college that is 6 hours away in Philly. She has met a boy (sophmore, 19) while away and they’ve been together for a little over 2 months. He lives about 20 minutes away from the college. In December, she wants him to come stay for a couple days so me and DH can meet him. She travels back and forth by bus so we can not meet him up there. She has met his parents and we have no problem meeting him; however, we are not comfortable with them having a sleep over. So we refuse to allow him to come sleepover. My dd is very mad at us for this. Are we wrong for not allowing this?</p>
<p>Of course, they would not sleep in the same room</p>
<p>You’re not wrong for not allowing this. Personally, I believe it is too soon. My mother would agree on this as well and would look at me, a college freshman, with two heads if I asked her if my two month boyfriend could stay over for the holidays.</p>
<p>This was a sticky question for us too, especially since both DH and I were sexually active during our own college years. At the same time, we were not comfortable with D and her boyfriend openly sleeping together under our roof, and we told D as much when the visit from the boyfriend was being planned, and she agreed (and I’m sure she communicated that to him). When he arrived, we showed him his room (the guest room), showed him where to find the towels and other supplies for “his” bathroom, showed him where he could put his clothes, etc. The implication being that this was where he was expected to sleep. I happen to know that on at least one night, D left her room after she thought we were asleep and returned at 5 a.m. I’ve never said anything to her about that. </p>
<p>To be honest, this arrangement made me feel a little hypocritical. I knew they were active with each other, but we we didn’t feel ready to have that fact shoved in our faces, and since it was our house, we felt entitled to set the rules. I guess it was an unspoken agreement – D respected our sensibilities by not forcing us to see them coming out of the bedroom together in the morning, and we respected her semi-adultness by not busting her when she made her nocturnal visit. Not a solution that would work for everyone, but it did for us.</p>
<p>By sleepover do you mean the same room?
Of course she is mad. It’s the old “treat me like an adult” routine. My S tried it, and at that age, I tried it. Except, adults typically have their own home, and aren’t living, at least in big part, on the gifts of their parents to pay their bills. As the self-supporting adults in your home, I think you have the right to make the rules in your home. Unfortunate that the daughter, at 19, is just now learning that. The daughter needs to know when she is a self-supporting adult in her own home she can make the rules there. At that stage you cannot make rules for her in her home; but similarly, at this stage she cannot make rules for you in your home.</p>
<p>Although personally for me, if I did not want them sleeping together under my roof I would not permit them to share a room, but I would permit him to sleep over in another room. I’d prob even mention to both about trusting in their integrity while under my roof, in hopes of avoiding sneaking from one room to another- and if they did so, then rules get tough.</p>
<p>No, she suggested herself that it would not be in the same room. She argues that she wants us to meet him and does not understand our reasoning. Since it is my house, I feel no need to reason with her.</p>
<p>It is your house, and she’s not a self-supporting adult, that’s true. But it’s also true that she’s no longer a child. 19 was about the age when we realized that we needed to take a slightly more adult approach in dealing with our D, more letting go, more compromising. Not letting her run roughshod over our values, and not giving her what she wanted in every detail. But having an adult discussion and some give-and-take. I’m not suggesting that you let the boyfriend sleep over, and certainly not in the same room, if you’re not comfortable with that (we weren’t either). But IMO you’re getting close to the time when the “I don’t owe you an explanation” approach begins to be counter-productive. </p>
<p>Could you go to Philly for the weekend to meet him? Could the boyfriend meet you somewhere in the middle for the day, as a get-to-know-you outing?</p>
<p>Do you allow other guests to sleep in your home? If so, if your daughter is willing to abide by your rules, then how better to meet her boyfriend than to have him as a guest in your home? It doesn’t sound like she is demanding they be allowed to sleep together and have sex, just that you meet him. If your answer is just “no” we won’t let him visit, won’t meet him and because you’re still a kid we don’t have to explain so there, I can imagine she might be annoyed.</p>
<p>Can you plan a trip to her college to meet this boy some weekend? What about putting him up in a hotel in your town and having him for dinner, taking him sightseeing, etc. If she feels he’s worth your meeting, you might want to figure out a way to do it without alienating her.</p>
<p>This was all new territory for my parents when I had my first out-of-town BF. He lived 4 hours away and my parents allowed him to visit, but in a SEPARATE ROOM. He was treated as a respected guest, and he respected their rules. But they got to know him, which was the point. And he was invited back.</p>
<p>We would not be able to go to Philly since we both work and have a 15 year old ds at home. It is a 6 hour trip, and we able just not able to fit 12 hours of travel into our schedule.</p>
<p>The gf of DS’s friend visited her bf from another state (like 300 miles away.)
His friend lets his gf sleep in his dorm room and he crashes in DS’s dorm room (sleeping bag on the floor.)</p>
<p>I heard they are going to engage in less than a year. He is 25 yo (already a grad. school student) but I do not know how old she is.</p>
<p>Are they an exception case or are there still many young couples like them nowadays (quite committed to each other but decide not to sleep with each other until marriage)?</p>
<p>Another (male) friend of DS and his gf visited DS a few years ago when DS lived in a studio. They asked to sleep over on the floor in DS’s floor. (They were about 22 yo back then.) DS politely declined because DS would feel very uncomfortable about it. DS did so even though he visited and stayed at his friend’s apartment in NYC several times. His friend understood his concern and there was no hard feeling between them after this. They are still good friends to each other.</p>
<p>I am not sure I understand your objection. If they are not sleeping in the same room, is he not just like any other houseguest you might host for a few nights? While I agree that sharing the same room would not be a comfortable or acceptable arrangement in our home, I would happily host one of my children’s boyfriend or girlfriend over the holidays. I would welcome the opportunity to meet them and get a better understanding of the relationship.</p>
<p>Very much the exception, unless (generally) very religious/conservative. Rates of premarital sex is something like 95% by age 30… I’m not sure about younger but the median age of first sex is somewhere around 17 so…</p>
<p>They are indeed very religious. (Likely more so than DS.)</p>
<p>When DS was a high school senior, his then-gf and he asked to come to our house without the gf’s parents’ permission. We did not accept their request. DS was not mad after we had explained that girl’s parents would not approve of this (and he agreed that her parents would be so.) But we wonder whether the girl would think we did not welcome her at that time. Our concern was that the girl’s parents were not informed in advance and if informed, our educated guess was they would not aprrove it. We did not want to do anything that could upset her parents.</p>
<p>Yeah I’m not too sure why you can’t let him sleep on the couch/guest room like any other guest. Maybe you don’t trust your daughter not to engage in sexual acts with him around, but if she hasn’t given you reason to doubt her before, then that seems pretty harsh to me. </p>
<p>Maybe you know more than we do. But then why post on CC? To get confirmation? If you actually came for advice, most responders here seem in agreement.</p>
<p>mcat-I’m not a long-time member so I don’t know your “story”, but in your example above, are you saying your son and his also-high school girlfriend wanted to just go to your house, not for sex but just to be there and she would not have been allowed to leave her house without permission so you said no? Or was it that there would be no supervision by adults and that even high school seniors were not allowed to be alone together by either set of parents? Were they allowed to go on dates unsupervised? </p>
<p>It’s always interesting to learn how other people do things. I have no frame of reference for not allowing a high school senior, possibly of the age of majority having to ask to simply visit a friend.</p>
<p>mcat, fwiw, I doubt very much that she would feel unwelcomed at your house. More than likely she was angry with her parents for this rule and understood why you did what you did. </p>
<p>I feel for that girl though. Is it common to need permission as a high school senior to go to someone else’s house? To me, that seems very extreme but I have learned from my years on CC that it might be more expected than I had thought.</p>