<p>sseamom, The girl’s parents were kind of strict anout what they could do and could not. The approved place for the dating was the living room of the girl’s house and the immediate neighborhood next to her house. No one-on-one movie date was allowed. They were also not allowed to see each other too frequently except at school. Once girl’s brother, who is a computer hacker and was actually quite nice to DS, secretly informed her that the keystrokes on her PC might be recorded and monitored by her parent and asked her to be careful. The scheduled date could be canceled by her parents at the last minute for no reason. Essentially, they had no control over when they could see each other (except at school) because the scheduled date could be canceled by her parents.</p>
<p>We believed (but not 100% sure of course) at that time that if the girl asked her parents whether she would be allowed to come to our house, they might say no. This was because the girl did not want to ask her parents about this. We actually felt bad about this even after so many years (i.e., not allowing them to be in our house unless it is OKed by her parents.)</p>
<p>Their relationship started in the middle of his senior year and was unfortunately ended by Turkey Drop (actually slightly later than that.) The sad thing was that it appears that no third person was involved on both sides when this happened. It is mostly due to the distance.</p>
<p>To their parents’ credit, they did allow the girl to live on campus (unlike some CC parents) after the girl had gone to college. They may be just strict toward their D when their D was in high school. Actually, DS had a chance to meet her and her parents again in some orher context many years later (when they had “grown up”.) DS said her parents were actually nice to him this time, likely just because he’s no longer her high school age bf.</p>
<p>TempleParent - I have to say, I don’t understand your reasoning. They’ve agreed not to share a room, but you still don’t want the boy staying under your roof? Sorry, but I don’t get it. I’d think you’d be grateful that your daughter cares enough about you (and your opinion) that she wants you to meet the guy. She could have just as well said, “sorry, it’s none of your business!”</p>
<p>And instead of taking her up on her offer, you’re pushing her away. Your choice, of course. But what’s the chance, when the next guy comes along, that she’s even going to offer? She’s trying to include you in her life, and you’re saying “no, thanks!"</p>
<p>I think the reason for concern is that they’ve been dating for only 2 months. That’s not a long time, and personally, I don’t think it’s long enough to fuss over and make big arrangements. But that’s just me. </p>
<p>Anyway, your house, your rules. Same with my mom and her house; same with everyone’s parents. Maybe next break (if they’re still together) you guys can work something out. </p>
<p>I live an hour away from school and I’ve only ever had girl buddies stay over during breaks when they couldn’t go home. My mom wasn’t always pleased with the extra cooking and noise, and if she had asked me to not bring them, then I wouldn’t have. Whether it’s a guy or a girl, it’s her house and her decision on who she wants over for a night.</p>
<p>I’ve got to side with your daughter–I would be mad too. Since they aren’t even expecting to stay in the same room, you are sending the message that you don’t care to meet him at all–that his very presence in your house is unwelcome to you.</p>
<p>Sorry. I know it is hard to adjust to having an adult child and she did just leave for college, but this seems like it is more about you than her.</p>
<p>ETA: just realized I said essentially the same thing as dodgersmom.</p>
<p>Both of my boys are dating girls that are not from our area and we love having them stay with us. Of course, they sleep in our guest room and are always very respectful. It is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with them. They are interesting young adults and a joy to have around.</p>
<p>Of course, it is your house, but I also don’t see a problem with it.</p>
<p>Just to get this straight, she wants to bring him home so you can meet him? And they don’t plan on staying in the same room? </p>
<p>If DD wanted to bring a friend for an overnight visit, would you allow it? </p>
<p>Don’t you want to get to know the person that your DD obviously cares about?</p>
<p>Personally, all my kid’s friends are welcome in my home. As long as our schedule allowed it, I wouldn’t dream of turning away one of my kid’s friends. It is my kid’s home too.</p>
<p>I don’t get not having the boy spend the night either. I would be be curious. Sure, don’t be too excited, he is a new boyfriend, but I would have him over.</p>
<p>I am on the side of not understanding your issues with letting him come if he is sleeping in a separate room. Especially since you cannot travel to her. I think you need to consider your long term relationship with her. The BF may come and go, but maybe he won’t. If this ends up being a long term relationship, you are getting off to a rocky start.</p>
<p>I am also on your daughter’s side. If this had been a girlfriend that she had known for two months, would you also say no? I feel it is always good to know your kid’s friends and what better way than to have him visit for a few days. I agree with mamom, if this turns into a long term relationship, do you want to be at odds already? While the chances are against it, this could be your future son in law.</p>
<p>Are you mainly opposed because it is the holidays and you want to keep it family centered? If so, be prepared to change as once your kids hit adulthood, the dynamics alter all over the place and flexibility is the name of the game.</p>
<p>I’m with the majority. I would actually encourage them to bring a potential SO over sooner, rather than later. Why wait until it’s a committed relationship? I not only want to know who they eventually end up with, but what kind of people they are interested in at the beginning.</p>
<p>One of mine brought his potential mate over for a weekend that early also. Then went to another state to visit her parents where they were allowed to share a room, unlike at our house. But he married her and they are expecting a baby now. I’m glad I knew her right from the beginning and was not unwelcoming. If your daughter does end up with him for life, how will they remember your feelings at the beginning of the relationship?</p>
<p>As with many young adult issues, I try to look at the bigger picture when making decisions. What do I want our relationship to be going forward? Are we trusted when there is a big challenge, decision or problem? Are we in enough touch to know how things are going in their lives, so we can be supportive, encouraging and informed of troubles? What message are we sending?</p>
<p>Knowing who our children are dating, especially when they consider it important for us to meet them, matters a lot to us. How do they think about partners? Who are they choosing? Are there red flags? A rapidly progressing connection? Great information to have and I do not understand refusing a house guest who is important to our kids when they are stating their plans to behave in a way that respects your household rules. I want our kids to feel they can share their emerging careers, educational dilemmas, worries and great times with us. I don’t want them to feel that I can not find a way to meet their SO, when there is a simple solution at hand. If you have strong beliefs that truly preclude unmarried males and females from being under the same roof, why not offer to put him up in a local hotel so a visit is possible? </p>
<p>To me, the energy should go into keeping a relationship with your daughter that is meaningful, not letting a lack of creativity about sleeping arrangements become the focus. </p>
<p>I think you are passing up an opportunity to sanction and enhance what sounds like a healthy relationship. The focus on sex is yours, not theirs. Is this really how you want to welcome a new person into your family circle?</p>
<p>Whether he sleeps in the daughter’s room or on the couch is a separate issue. You are proposing not letting him stay at all, which I think is truly inconsiderate and misguided.</p>
<p>I think it is appropriate to welcome into your home, and begin to build a relationship with this young man. That is the best way to honor your daughter’s choice and appreciate her efforts to include you in this new part of her life.</p>
<p>You are certainly permitted to do as you please in terms of house rules. If you don’t want this person at your house, or any person for that matter to sleep over, that’s your business. My mother did not,still does not like house guests for more than a short period of time. Tea and snacks are about where her comfort level end, and it was an issue that caused a lot of resentment on my part when I was living with her. Now she is living with me, and she has to put up with overnight guests, and having people over for extended periods of times. Heck, she’s sort of a permanent guest, though, I consider her at home. But it’s my house, my rules. </p>
<p>My personal opinion, however, is that having my kids’ friends stay over for certain overnights is something that makes sense. Not always, not all of them, but I would not make it a blanket policy as my mother did. Again, it’s up to you, and then when you permit this sort of things, yes, other lines may have to be drawn according to your comfort level.</p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with the daughter’s request. I would be thrilled that two young college students wanted to spend 12 hours on a bus to come visit Mom and Dad.<br>
When I was nineteen, I fell head over heels in love. We’ve been married for 31 years now. Don’t burn any bridges with your kids.</p>
<p>And therein lies the problem. I don’t blame your daughter a bit for being upset. She’s trying to include you in her life and you are pulling the “my house my rules” card when she hasn’t even suggested anything untoward. She probably is feeling confused and hurt and your out of hand dismissal is making it worse. Even the parents here responding to you want to understand your reasoning; it’s not surprising that your daughter wants to understand it as well.</p>
<p>If you’re uncomfortable with overnight houseguests or don’t have room for them, perhaps you could volunteer to pay for a room for your daughter’s boyfriend at a nearby hotel and have someone in the family drive him back and forth from your house to the hotel when necessary.</p>
<p>The only catch here is that he may not be able to reserve a room in his own name if he is under 21. Rules vary from one hotel chain to another. You might have to reserve the room in your name, check in, and then give him the key card.</p>
<p>We faced the exact issue for us 23 months ago. This was extremely difficult for me (spouse is a lot more liberal) given that we are Asian. Finally, agreed to it - turned out to be a wonderful kid and they are happily married now. Give them a chance</p>
<p>I’m trying to understand the situation. If the d has proposed that they not share a room out of respect for the parents’ wishes, why wouldn’t the parents want the boyfriend to visit overnight? Sure, it’s the whole “my house/my rules” thing - I’d just like to get what is objectionable about it.</p>
<p>Is it possible that the house is set up in such a way that it’s difficult to host overnight guests - would the boyfriend have to sleep in a living room or other general space? Or is there a bedroom that’s been turned into storage, and it would be a gigantic pain to move things around to accommodate someone overnight? I don’t jump up and down at the prospect of overnight visitors either, but my kids’ SOs are a different story. (I’d sure rather have them than my in-laws. :D)</p>
I know it is hard to adjust to having an adult child and she did just leave for college, but this seems like it is more about you than her.</p>