<p>We have always been the home some of their college friends land in, during short breaks, for various reasons.</p>
<p>Of all the nice things that come from this, one is the closeness it fosters with my own, at a time when they are, naturally, moving into their own lives. They are sharing their friendships with us and we are sharing our family and the welcome with those others.</p>
<p>For the dating relationships, I always just said, this is still our family home, we’re still your parents. No matter what we did in college and after, there will be some expectations and you may not always agree, but respect us. It has worked.</p>
<p>She’s inviting you in. Put a time limit on it and enjoy. For me, it would be harder to hear they weren’t coming home because they needed to stay near a friend, than it is to set another place at the table and adjust our schedules for a few days, adapt to their age-group interests and chat. </p>
<p>It’s different when it really isn’t convenient. I just had this exact experience this weekend- a few months dating, a visit, separate rooms. Pretty nice.</p>
<p>I agree that it seems harsh to reject your adult daughters suggestion of getting to know her bf by hosting him.
Your name may be on the mortgage, but isn’t it her home too, or do you consider her to now live at college?
Perhaps this is what it is really about. You don’t want to share your time with her with anyone else, and are trying to forget that soon she wont even be coming home summers?
Winning the battle but losing the war isn’t the way to go.</p>
<p>Can you tell us why you would not allow this? Maybe knowing your thoughts would help. I can’t really think of a reason not to let him visit- he would be a houseguest, you would get to meet him on your turf, and it sounds like they have agreed to be respectful of your house rules. I would welcome this opportunity to see who my D is involved with and be able to give her feedback…</p>
<p>First, high fives on your successful marriage. </p>
<p>To OP, what a blessing to have two kids willing to ride a bus for a long time to visit. You are in danger of spitting on a hand extended to you, and I can’t imagine what your reasoning is. If your home isn’t suitable for a houseguest, rent a room, ask a nearby friend/relative to put the boy up, whatever it takes to make them feel at home. My oldest is 31 and we don’t see her that often (mostly holidays); distance from kids tends to happen no matter what you do (unless they live next door), but my goodness, why make it happier sooner than necessary?</p>
<p>I’m assuming that you’re not a ■■■■■; if you are, you win, but what’s the prize?</p>
<p>Massmomm, I don’t think anyone disputes OP’s right to set the rules in her own house. The question is whether this particular rule will have a happy outcome.</p>
<p>Yes, I’d be mad if I was your daughter. She’s not asking to share a room. What does it matter if this is not THE one. He’s still a friend, and part of her life. If it were one of her girlfriends would you be equally unwilling? I stayed friends with most of my boyfriends, and I am married to the guy I met at 19.</p>
<p>OP, you still have the right to have him not sleep over, but I’d advise you to have a legitimate reason for your daughter. </p>
<p>If I asked my mom if my boyfriend could stay over our house for the holidays and she said, “No.” I’d prefer that she give me a reason so. </p>
<p>Some reasons that she said:
Too soon - A boyfriend of two months staying over with the family seems premature. She suggested that you guys meet up some where and spend time if possible.
Uncomfortable - She simply is uncomfortable with the idea and she would need time to adjust to the thought. </p>
<p>She did not say, “Because it’s her house and she said so.” As a college freshman, that would make me a bit miffed and annoyed that my mother isn’t giving me legitimate reasons. You daughter is 19 and she does deserve an answer. She is not 9. </p>
<p>To posters that are incredulous to the idea that a parent wouldn’t have a boyfriend over even if he acts as a “normal guest”, just remember that some households are run differently and have differently values. I don’t see this relationship and future relationship with OP’s daughter’s boyfriend “in danger” if she explains her daughter her feeling, apprehensions, and ideals. Discussion is the best way this can resolved. Discussion and compromise.</p>
<p>I’m accepting of different values. Some families would require their daughters to wear burkhas. Others would prohibit them from wearing mixed fabrics of linen and wool. Still others would marry their daughters off by age 15. It’s a big world.</p>
<p>That really depends on the young woman involved. </p>
<p>Two months might be early, but to be honest, I knew after about two weeks of dating that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my fiance. We had moved in together by two months. My dad said he knew 20 minutes in to their first date and they’re still happily married decades later after what some would consider a shotgun wedding. I don’t think people should be dismissive just because of the time frame. </p>
<p>Again, OP’s house, OP’s rules (if that’s the way your household runs), but honestly don’t be surprised if your D starts coming home less and less- especially if his household is more welcoming of her than you are of him.</p>
<p>My house has always been open to my daughters’ friends ( male or female).</p>
<p>Take joy in the fact your d wants you to meet the boy she is dating. She obviously has a great relationship with you and wants to introduce some one special to her that she is spending time with. I would be very careful on what you wish for. They might happily chose to spend future weekends/ holidays with the boyfriends family who have welcomed your beautiful daughter.</p>
<p>Yes, I understand that the time frame isn’t indicative on their relationship. It depends on the maturity of the relationship as well. A lot can happen in two months while living on campus. It is up to the daughter to communicate to her mom about that.</p>
<p>I think sex belongs in marriage–not a popular view on CC. So, in my household, even engaged couples have to stay in separate rooms. My offspring didn’t fight me on this; my rules were well known. They are based on my religious beliefs. </p>
<p>That said, it was perfectly acceptable to have someone stay overnight in another room. I made it clear that any nocturnal visits were out of the question and, if caught, no future visits would be allowed. Your D is acknowledging your feelings by agreeing to stay in separate rooms. She wants you to meet someone who is important to her. It’s still 6-7 weeks in the future, so it won’t be a “2 month relationship” by the time he visits you. And, as others have said, it may be serious.</p>
<p>I suspect that if you “hold the line” on this your D will be summer job hunting in Philly. It’s hard for us to accept as parents, but when they meet “the one” or the “I think he’s the one” mom and dad lose first place. That’s the way it should be. Don’t force your D to make a choice. Even if time proves this guy isn’t “the one,” next time you won’t be invited to meet her SO. When she does marry, you’ll find yourself coming in third place…after his family because his family already has a comfortable relationship with your D, while you have none with her spouse.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine ever telling one of my daughters that she couldn’t invite a friend or significant other to our home. What would the reason be? I just don’t understand this way of thinking. Why wouldn’t you want to get to know someone who is an important part of your daughter’s life? Or even just a friend. A very strange rule to have, in my opinion.</p>
<p>As for the ‘my house, my rules’ mantra. This is also something I’ve never understood. Isn’t it your children’s home, too? Although none of our 5 Ds lives with us full-time anymore, I still consider this their home and they (and whomever they want to invite) are always welcome here.</p>
<p>mcat-thank you for that explanation. I’m trying to imagine “dating” while sitting in the parents’ living rooms. Sounds like a Duggar episode I saw an ad for recently! </p>
<p>I just remembered something. One of my late grandmother’s favorite pictures of my mother, her DIL, was of my mother standing at my grandmother’s kitchen sink washing dishes in her NYC designer clothes. My mother was invited to visit my dad at his home while they dated, and mom would take a 4-5 hour train ride to do so. She was “allowed” to stay there even though both families were deeply religious Catholics. This is how the two families got to know each other’s kids.</p>
<p>My grandmother always said that she knew mom was a good person since she was willing to roll up her sleeves and help out, even to the point of getting her designer clothes water stained. You can’t learn things like that by blocking the door and refusing visitors.</p>
<p>my house my rules does have it’s place when young adults are still living with their parents. Should parents accept their kids coming home at all hours of the night? Not me, my house my rules.</p>