My daughter told me, early in her engagement, that she intends to change her name. I was surprised by that choice, but it shouldn’t cause her any problems; publications are not an issue in her career field.
My kids’ choices often surprise me. That’s one of the interesting parts of being a parent of adults.
When we got married almost 37 years ago, I wanted to keep my last name, but that didn’t sit well with my very traditional MIL-to-be. She was in DH’s ear about it - he tried to sway me to take his name. I didn’t feel comfortable abandoning the name I’d had since birth, so, as a compromise, I decided to hyphenate my last name. Needless to say, MIL never used my hyphenated last name, and addressed things to me with just DH’s (and her) last name. If I had to do it over again, I would’ve just kept my name, as I originally intended.
When S1 and DIL got married 2 years ago, she said she was keeping her last name (she only has sisters who’ve all taken their spouses last names). I told her my story and that I was more than perfectly OK with the decision she had made.
We received a formal wedding invitation yesterday that had wording that surprised me. It was the usual formal “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their oldest daughter Jane Susan” etc. I have never seen anything where the “oldest” daughter was specifically called out. Makes me wonder if in a few years we’re going to get a formal invitation to the “marriage of their middle daughter …”. Jan Brady would be proud! It just struck me as unusual and I wondered if this is more common than I think. I agonized over the wording on our daughter’s invitations (which wasn’t exactly what I preferred, but it’s fine and it’s what they wanted).
Ugh! @Silpat that is annoying. I don’t have any problems if someone changes their name or not but I also don’t think that her future IL’s should make that decision for her. It’s 2017 for crying out loud.
Saying that I’ll bet my future DIL will change her name, it’s in keeping with her personality. Although I don’t care either way.
Looking at @VeryHappy dress selections. Our kids are getting married on the same day. :). My kids wedding is in a pretty formal setting and the bridesmaids are wearing long dresses. It’s hard when you are a true petite, the dress has to be a petite size. Regular sizes and dresses just don’t work. Probably that’s why I don’t wear many dresses.
Everything looks either too old or too young to me. I’ll keep looking. Also with my coloring I can’t wear pastels or golds or anything light, washes me out. So it has to be a color. Too many things to consider.
I took my H’s last name but used my maiden name as a formal “middle” name, but not hyphenated. This kept it on all professional documentation. For all things kid-related, I just used our common last name. My FDIL already has a hyphenated last name (from her parents) and is well known professionally by that name, so there is really no circumstance in which I see her taking his name and that’s just fine by me. However, they have not discussed this with me, nor do I think they will
I didn’t change my name when I got married. My d. hasn’t changed hers, and my son’s fiancee plans to keep hers. Too much paperwork, both professional & personal. On the personal end: driver’s license, passport, credit card, bank accounts. Professional: diplomas, certificates, licensing records, business cards, professional memberships & listings.
@Marian , you’re so right - I never expected that being the parents of adults would be tougher for us than being the parents of infants or toddlers, even though my MiL warned me.
I wish I’d kept my last name permanently and am trying to decide how much to say to D1. I don’t want to add to her stress. OTOH, she’s trying too hard to make everyone happy and may lose herself in the process, which is not like her under normal circumstances.
@lookingforward , no she’s not “really old” but is in her 30s. She never expected to get married, nor did she care as she was so focused on her career. Sometimes it feels as if she’s reverted to 16, at least emotionally.
Hard to fathom that in this day and age there are still people that would get bent out of shape with a woman deciding to keep her maiden name. If it was my daughter, I wouldn’t want to put more pressure on her from another quarter but I would want to help make her feel empowered to stick to her own preferences. I hope this isn’t a prequel to more butting in down the road.
Runnersmom, I did that, too. Jane Smith Jones. But when I moved here, it confused the old system. “Well, hyphenated? We can’t do hyphens” No. Just get both last names in, for legal ID.
Fine, but somehow they got me alphabetized under the middle name. I call to check on something and there’s no Jane Jones. It’s under Smith. (I know it doesn’t make sense.)
Btw, MIL didn’t care. She drove me batty, at times, but was generous about not crossing lines.
How I wish I had gotten a tea length dress now. Wedding is four weeks from Saturday. I have to get my dress hemmed!!! Yikes. Surely I have not waited too long?
I changed my name but for some years used both my maiden name and my married name professionally. It was confusing and finally I just switched everything to the married name. My in laws never weighed in on it but I felt it was easier for our kids that all of us had the same last name.
It feels wrong to me for inlaws to be pressuring on the issue of the woman’s married last name. It may be a sign of future dynamics and struggles–hopefully not, but it would concern me.
@VaBluebird , you should be able to find a seamstress who can hem within the month.
I have no idea whether D will change her last name. I don’t care one way or the other. Future in laws may, as they are more traditional than H & I, but I don’t think they will say anything if they do care. It’s such a non-issue.
@deb922, I too don’t want to wear champagne or beige. I have relatively fair skin with light brown hair, so those pale colors wash me out. I want a deep, happy color, like cadet blue or fuschia.
I never changed my name. My first name with my husband’s last name is hard to say, and by the time I got married – three weeks shy of 30 – I felt like I had a pretty good career going.
My FDIL’s first name starts with a “k” sound. My son’s last name ends with a “k” sound. I don’t think she should change her name, and – since I never changed mine – she can do whatever she wants.
I do recall how tricky it was, however, when making playdates for my kids: “Hi, this is Carol Jones. I’m Johnny Smith’s mother, and Johnny would like to have a playdate with Charlie.” Too many names for the mom on the other end of the phone to decipher.
I also can’t remember things like, Does the heating oil company know me as Mrs. Maiden or Mrs. Married?
I kept my birth name but answered to “Mrs. Husband’s Last Name” when people called me that. Three daughters: the oldest kept her name professionally but uses her husband’s last name socially; she hasn’t changed it in any official way (ID, credit cards, etc.). The middle d is married and keeping her birth name. The youngest d is about to get married and plans to take her husband’s name.
We seem to have most of the possibilities covered.
You missed one. One SIL and her BIL hyphenated her birth name and his. They have a LONG last name! And their kids have tht hyphenated last name too.
In our family…I took my DH’s last name…it was a better choice! One of my SIL’s kept her birth name. One of the sisters kept her birth name, and the other took her husband’s.