We had a “cover the plate” thread and I’ll admit I’m on the side that says, your guests are not responsible for reimbursing your catering costs; your choices are your choices.
I was an emotional wreck in the days leading to our wedding, ended up in the doc’s office, sobbing. And it wasn’t a complicated event. But even simple has so many balls to juggle and people to answer.
I really doubt the ‘plate’ is $350. The bridezilla misunderstood the concept of including everything and dividing by the number of attendees rather than just the cost of the actual food. But either way, I agree that no guest is ‘expected’ to bring any gift, and especially a $350 one. Is she going to charge her grandparents or Aunt Martha?
I did know someone who used to call the reception hall and ask how much the dinner cost. I thought it was ridiculous that she’d bring a gift of $77 (x3 if they invited her son, x2 if they didn’t) to one cousin’s wedding but then only $32 to another’s.
I didn’t care for Amy’s advice. If the bride is out of control, the mother has to step in. When people call to tell her about the bounty on the invitation, the mother should tell them that of course they are under no obligation to bring a gift at all but are still welcome at the wedding, not ‘go speak to the bride.’. If the bride continues to throw a fit, start cancelling things. The mother ‘hopes’ the bride will change? Not likely as long as she’s getting her way.
I didn’t need agree with Amy’s advice either. As the parent, I would,have paid the officiant myself.
And $350 a plate? Um…no.
I’m invited to a wedding in two weeks…and I’m going with a friend who is also invited. She always calls the venues or checks online and covers the plate. I told her…she had NO WAY of really knowing what the dinner cost that wedding couple. No way.
I give what I think is a reasonable gift given the wedding couple. This wedding…I was invited at the last minute, via a FB message. The couple got married six months ago and have a baby, a house, etc. I think I must have Ben on the C list. This couple is getting a gift card to BBB…because I want them to get a wedding gift kind of gift. They didn’t register anywhere because they only want money for a bigger house. Yep…the MOB told me that.
I spoke with my daughter earlier and she told me that somebody has sent them a gift from their registry, all of the towels they had listed, approximately $250. The thing is that they don’t have a clue who this person is, and the address is an apartment on the Upper East Side in NYC. They did a Google search, and it is listed to the name as showed who sent the gift, a very generic name, think Sue Smith. Hopefully there will be a note enclosed when the box arrives. A definite head scratcher.
D1 is a bridesmaid for her college friend’s wedding. They are having around 100 people and the total cost of the wedding is over 100K. They have asked for only cash for both the shower and the wedding. D1 was asked to pay for a destination bachelorette party for the bride and the shower. They are not providing transportation for the wedding party, so they will need to get themselves to and from the hotel to the venue (for prep). D1 kind of drew the line when they asked the bridal party to pay for their own hair/makeup. D1 said she would do it herself, then the mother stepped in to offer to pay.
@JHS - I would go ahead with the NYT announcement. Tell your son to let your future DIL that’s what his mother wants. She is marrying into the family, so make her future MIL happy. As far as hotel rooms, I would take care of my own guest and make sure they have a place to stay. Where D1 is getting married, all hotels said they would only give a block of 20 rooms, so we are telling our guests to book a room as soon as possible and not wait for the official invite.
D1 was going to have engagement pictures taken today, but due to the rain it is going to be postponed until July (the photographer is giving birth in June). The save date is not going to go out until they have a good engagement picture.
D1 asked D2 and I to go dress shopping beginning of July. Once she gets a dress then I will look for my dress. D1 got her Qi Pao (a traditional Chinese dress) made while we were in Taiwan. It is beautiful.
My D & SIL paid for their own wedding. It cost them more than $20K. D. told me later that they recouped about half the cost from cash gifts – I assume mostly from relatives, and that would include me & the husbands parents.
I am going to contribute the same dollar amount to S’s upcoming wedding as I did for D. I’m not a huge believer in equalizing everything between my two kids- it just doesn’t work with two very different kids and different needs over time. But as both are getting married in the same year, it just seems easiest for me to set my budget that way. Anything less would seem like shortchanging my son and his new wife, and they are facing financial pressures that my D & SIL don’t have. I think S & DIL will come out ahead, as they are planning a much more modest wedding.
My daughter and future son-in-law wish that they could find a polite way to say “Don’t buy things. Send money.”
That’s because they just bought a house and they would love to crowd-fund some of the miscellaneous expenses–such as window treatments for 23 currently naked windows.
But you can’t ask for cash only without looking like a boor, so they have a registry with merchandise in it–mostly house-related things that they can live without for the first few months. (They’ll be moving about three months before the wedding.)
It would never occur to them that the cost of the present has anything to do with the cost of the food.
My very soon to be dil is so unabashedly, genuinely grateful and moved by the gifts they have received. Openly expressing how moved she is and surprised she is that people care so much. Thankfully, no issues here.
@Marian Have D register at places like Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel or even BB&B that have drapes, blinds, lamps, etc that they want. Even if they don’t register those specific things, they will likely get some gift cards to those places that they can use later and frankly, they can return a bunch of stuff if they want to and get credit to use later.
Lots of young people register really big things like sofas and expensive lamps. Some may actually get them, but I think its a nicer way of getting people to give a gift card to that place since most guests aren’t buying you a chair or large rug. One of H’s cousins registered a kayak - we did a GC to the place that would cover part of cost.
To me this is the equivalent of when I got married and registered in multiple towns at multiple stores and ended up with so many salad plates - I guess they were a good price point for casual friends. We laughed that they were like GCs, at each place it was like “I have 4 extra salad plates, I’ll exchange them for a serving piece.”
The whole “cover the plate” thing is strange to me. I’d much rather have my family and friends with me for our big day than worry about what they are “contributing.”
Right…we are planning a celebration of a marriage. We are not planning a gift grab of any kind…or any amount.
We have a lot of family and friends who will be traveling from afar to attend this wedding. Their attendance at the wedding IS their gift to the bride and groom…and a note about that will be in the save the date cards.
My son and almost DIL are in the same position, because she is a graduating from medical school 2 days before the wedding and need to relocate from the west to the east coast for her medical residency – son hopes to follow as soon as possible. They have already had a shared household for a couple of years - they need to get rid of stuff, not accumulate more.
Their wedding invites said something along the lines of, “no gift required, the presence of friends and family at their wedding celebration is present enough, but if they do want to give a gift, then donations to help with the expenses of their move would be appreciated.” I thought it was kind of tacky but understandable, and because it is a small, informal wedding I am thinking that anyone who is being invited also fully understands the situation. In any case, there is no registry - if someone wants to give them stuff rather than money, that person will be on their own to figure out what to buy.
My kid will also be relocating. They will register for things they really want…or need. Our relatives and friends know the story…and will do what they want to do.
@calmom perhaps folks will understand this…and won’t send things that have to be packed!
My husband had never heard of registering for gifts when we got married. He thought it was the most mercenary thing ever.
My family will be giving money to D1 and if friends should ask that’s what I tell them too, but they are not going to ask people to give money. I always give money when I go to weddings because it is easier for me and it is more practical for the couple.
When I give money, I also give a small gift. It’s just something I like to do.
Yes, I like to give a small gift and money. I do that for many events. It seems to be the best of both worlds to me.
If it is a close family friend, or relative, and I am aware of their likes, I like to pick out something myself instead of the registry. I have a few wedding gifts I received 35 years ago that when I use the item, it always reminds me of the gift giver. For example, I have a lovely teak cutting board that was a gift from a dear friend from childhood. While it is not an every day cutting board, it is meant for meat and has a well for the juice, it brings back sweet memories of our time together. As he passed away last year, I treasure that gift even more. As far as the silver and crystal I received, I can’t begin to tell you which guest gave those to me!
Here’s an alternative registry from a couple who already has all the household appliances they need:
https://www.amazon.com/wedding/alexander-c-mara-n-san-francisco-july-2017/registry/3SI1M4HTLFTXJ