I made a cash gift box, shaped and decorated like a 3 tier wedding cake with a slot on the top for my D’s wedding. I assigned a young niece to keep her eyes on the box and move it to a locked car trunk once the dinner reception began.
@rebeccar what is the custom for Persian Jews regarding eldercare? Will your H be expected to take in your in-laws when they become old and infirm? 
Go with this. It’s likely to be a very valuable learning experience.
Don’t be. Most of this thread consists of talking about trivial details related to wedding planning. I think that many of us here have had the urge to discuss more significant aspects of marriage. You gave us the opening – and we hope you’ll find our stories and ideas interesting and maybe even useful.
While I’m quite interested in rebeccar’s dilemma, I have also learned (and appreciate!) a LOT from the “trivial details”.
I thought the intent of the thread was for parents as their kids embark on wedding planning and I hope people continue to contribute in this regards as well…
Me, too, @gosmom. I’ve gotten a lot of practical guidance from this thread and hope to continue to do so until September 3, when my daughter gets married and all of this will be over!
I didn’t mean to suggest that the wedding planning details were inappropriate, just that we seem to like thinking about and talking about more complex situations, too.
I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of people bringing money gifts to my daughter’s wedding. I’m glad people brought up the issue.
I would also like to get back to trivial aspect of wedding planning. I feel for Rebecca. I think it may be worthwhile for her to start a new thread, other posters may want to contribute.
Here’s a trivial aspect of wedding planning for you. We all had dinner together last night for my H’s birthday. What seemed like an innocuous conversation about the wedding ceremony, really the procession, turned into a silent conflict, of sorts, between my S and FDIL. Again, Jewish customs were the focus. She apparently thinks the officiant (not a rabbi, but a Jewish chaplain) said the parents did not need to be standing under the chuppah, and seemed to seize on that. To be honest, my parents did not stand under the chuppah with me (long story but not an issue for me) and while I had expected to stand up with my S, I’m not sure I care all that much. Apparently MOB does care, I think, and my S seems to care. My inclination is to let him know I’m fine (my H doesn’t care at all) with whatever he wants, but they should figure it out between them and then let us all know.
There are still so many pretty significant details in limbo that I’m waking up at 5am every morning and I’m not even responsible (at this point) for many of those details. My worry is that, as has happened in the past, I’m not responsible until h*ll breaks loose, and then I’m responsible for making it all work. How are you all dealing with this, or am I just over involved? And @marian - I just noticed that we will both be celebrating weddings on the same day! Summer just started and Labor Day seems just around the corner.
Yup. I think this is inevitable.
Our offspring had two decades of watching their moms (and in some cases, dads) deal with logistics, and in the backs of their minds, they know we have some skill in that area. So guess who they’ll turn to when things get complicated?
It’s like us turning to our kids when we have problems with our electronics. You go where the expertise is.
Advice please? My D is getting married a week after one of the bridesmaids, who is her best friend, finishes graduate school across the country. She doesn’t yet know where she will be living/working. A third member of their quartet is getting married 2 months later.
Both brides are concerned about burdens on that bridesmaid at a challenging time in her life. Is there any way, other than keeping dresses inexpensive, and eliminating unnecessary expenses, that they can assist this bridesmaid in not being burdened? Is it possible to offer to gift her the dress or treat her to hair and make-up on the day? She isn’t poor, but she will be moving across the country, setting up a life somewhere, and probably not have started working yet.
@zoosermom , I think you could cover any or all of the bridesmaid’s expenses and she would appreciate it greatly. Dh & I are paying for outfits for several non-family members of the wedding party for our D’s wedding (as well as our adult children’s clothes/shoes.) We’re also paying for hotel rooms for a member of the wedding party who now lives out of state and for a few relatives. I just approached each one privately to make the offer, saying that none of us wanted their participation to be a financial burden and reiterating how much D/FSiL hoped they could be a part of the wedding.
IME, it’s pretty common for the bride or her parents to pay for hair & make-up for all of the women in the wedding party (plus the moms) if the bride is using those services.
I think your D’s BF will be touched by your thoughtfulness.
Ok, good. Is it ok to simply say “we would like to gift you with ____ so you can focus on arranging your new life?”
@runnersmom, I’m on the 4 a.m. schedule. My brain just seems to kick in then and I wake up with 20 wedding thoughts, nothing major, but all little TO DO details that I start panicking. I’m also 2000 miles away from wedding site and H & I will be vacationing(recovering) for three weeks following. So I need to pack for that and deal with issues of being away from home for almost a month. Oh yeah, and I have to travel for four days this week for another family event…
My dining room table is covered with To Do, Wedding Attire, Vacation Attire, Notes for Housesitter, Buy Here, Buy at Wedding site, Thank You Notes, Send Ahead, Timelines, Contact #'s, Family Travel Plans, Email Blasts to send, etc. I’m visual, so need to see it. Grateful I’m not working–don’t know how I’d manage if I was. Thank God my D is extremely organized and seems to be handling all…
I am trying to exercise some every day for stress relief (and hoping I’ll fit in my dress). Trying to adopt the “if it doesn’t get done, it’s not that important” mantra. Under a month now!
*ETA My H is slightly oblivious: “there can’t be anything left to do–the invites are out and the checks have been written”…smh
Zoosermom, why can’t your daughter just say, since you’re coming from so far, my parents want to pay for your plane ticket and dress? Don’t think any mention of her uncertain future is needed. You just want to be nice, and recognize the distance and her effort.
In the olden days, the bride’s parents did pay for the bridesmaid dresses and accommodations. Of course, the dresses were often $29.99 and the accommodations were at their home or a relative’s home. I would not present it as a gift, just as something you are doing.
When I was a bridesmaid, the brides arranged a local place for the bridesmaids to stay for free: neighbors, family house, etc. We didn’t do the hair and makeup thing. The attire was inexpensive and/or chosen by us and we could wear it again. We paid for our own transportation. We were not expected to throw showers or “bachelorette” parties. It was not a burden to be in the wedding, it was a pleasure. In one case, a friend and I gave a party for the couple after the wedding to which they could invite their friends, since the parents had strictly limited the number they could invite. The party was very nice, but it was at my apartment and we made the food: not some kind of restaurant thing.
Speaking generally, IMHO if the bride is going to expect professional hair and makeup of her attendants, she (or her parents, or she and the groom, or whoever is paying for stuff) ought to arrange and pay for it. As much as they can do to keep expenses to a minimum is helpful. Most young people in that age bracket are just beginning to establish themselves, and don’t have $$ to spend on such things.
I agree that we should definitely pay. I just wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be such a sensitive thing that we could inadvertently cause offense.
It’s ok.
There could be the chance (since we’re talking about details to fret over) that some other bridesmaid wonders why she didn’t get this offer. But it sounds like your idea is based partly on how very far this one is coming from. I just wouldn’t make it about her not having a job set up.
I think you should just plan to pay for all of them. Distinguishing between who you think can and cannot afford it sound like the path to trouble. 
@Consolation Re make up and hair the day of the wedding…this will be happening at the wedding venue, and we will be paying by the person for it all.
I think @zoosermom can pay for something beside the things all the bridesmaids are doing…with no reference. We are picking up the tab for a couple of hotel rooms, for example. In addition, any bridesmaid who comes prior to the night before the wedding has been offered a place to stay at no cost.
We will pay for the things the bridesmaids are doing at the venue.
In our case, there will be no bachelorette type of event…so the bridesmaids, and a couple,of friends too, will be getting their nails done together, and going out three days before the wedding. As with other bachelorette affairs, we are not paying for this at all. But we did offer lodging.
Today is 6 days to the wedding. I am exhausted - working to get the house ready for family coming before and after the wedding. Good thing I can avoid being scheduled at work. DD2 and I converted her room to a 2nd guest room - she put in bins what she wanted to store, cleared out some of the closet before she had to return to campus 3 hours away.
Tomorrow I need to clear out other guest room and give it a good cleaning. Have other clutter to clear out. Then, in the best of timing, I have an important job interview Wed morning - doesn’t it all happen at once? Oh, and our upstairs A/C unit is leaking coolant. No time to replace. Have the downstairs unit running cooler and a fan blowing cooler air upstairs as the upstairs unit is cooling but not enough.House guests Thursday night and Sunday night. Have a retirement financial update group meeting Thursday mid-day. Want to get all the housework done so I can enjoy getting my hair, facial, and nails done Thursday pm and not have to come home to do more ‘slave labor’.
Renting a w/c for FIL, as it takes up too much vehicle room and BIL didn’t think of getting a u-haul type of attachment on his vehicle. Reasonable $30 expense - they gave us an extended weekend with weekend pricing.
One just keeps the nose to the grind stone. As I think of things, laying them out - visual is great for not forgetting things. I plan to make a list as I get closer. Do not want to make a 200 mile trip due to forgetting something important!