We gave each of our kids a fairly painless wedding gift: we had them keep the damage deposit from the venue, as well as any other refundable deposits we might have paid. It felt like a monetary gift to them, and it felt like money we’d already spent to us.
@oregon101 - I’m so glad you asked this question! We, too, are giving D a significant amount of money for her wedding, and I really don’t know if we’re “supposed” to give her and her husband a wedding gift on top of that. I know what D would say if I asked her (“Of course you don’t need to give us a gift - you’re paying for the wedding!”) and I haven’t even broached the topic with H yet (his answer would be similar to D’s but maybe with more profanity…JK).
If I relent and buy a gift - it will probably be the Kitchenaid stand mixer that she’ll be putting on her registry. She’s been half-in-love with that mixer since she was 16 years old (and I don’t know why, since she’s not a huge cook.)
@runnersmom - I like the idea of a welcome to the family gift! Although, come to think of it, I think I already did that - last year at Christmas I gave Viking-fan FSIL a whole bunch of Packer stuff. Welcome to the Scout Family!
We didn’t give S and new DIL additional gifts. We paid for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol at the reception, plus plane tickets and lodging for a honeymoon in Italy.
I hoped they would recognize that as our wedding gift to them, and they did. I have already received a lovely thank-you note from DIL mentioning all these things. (There was only one shower given by co-workers–I wasn’t invited, didn’t give any shower gifts.)
The credit card bill from reception has been paid. The photographer’s pictures are out. TY notes finished. Wedding officially over! (fwiw, if any CC friends would like to see photos, send me a message, and I will tell you how to view them.)
Last Christmas, I gave DIL a “welcome gift”–a biography of H’s great great grandmother (which was an award-winning book when it came out in 1929) which contains a lot of family history.
@atomom, I’d say plane tickets and lodging for the honeymoon was a lovely wedding gift! I know they don’t expect anything from us, but we will do something. For my FDIL, I’m thinking a small piece of jewelry and perhaps a file of family recipes.
I can’t remember what my in-laws gave us for a wedding gift 32 years ago, but I gratefully remember that until their deaths they gave us a check for every wedding anniversary to pay for a special evening out. They saw it as a way to celebrate and support our marriage. It was very much appreciated, especially in those early years when we had little to spare.
My inlaws gave us the dreaded Orrefors Crystal. Really…we would have preferred the cash to use for anything back in 1981!
My mom gave us a little bit of money.
But none of them paid anything for,our wedding. If they had, I really wouldn’t have expected anything else from them.
My inlaws bought us a nice solid wood dining table and 6 chairs. We still use it as our everyday eating table. I have a couple of other gifts we still use.
@snoozn , the wedding sounds lovely - and such fun! I look forward to reading about your lessons learned, too.
Re: gifts from parents - I don’t remember any offhand, but am guessing that my parents likely added to the china and crystal to make sure we have a full service as that was very important to my mother. I don’t recall a gift from dh’s parents or any of his family members who came to the wedding.
In addition to our wedding china, we still have a few small gifts that we received from old family friends and an aunt & uncle that I treasure. They weren’t items from our registry but were selected with such thoughtfulness that I was really touched.
CalLark, that is what we have done for 5 years for S and DIL–send a nice check for an evening out.
Have no idea if they use it that way but the gesture is there.
^We do the same thing for S1 & DIL.
Re: our wedding gifts from parents. DH’s parents bought us a TV (we eventually gave it to S1 30 years later when he was in grad school - he could only watch TV since there were no connections for video game consoles). In addition to paying for the wedding, we got some gold coins from my parents. My father died 2 months before the wedding and my mother swore that my father wanted us to have them. They’ve been in the safe deposit box since.
I asked D about parents giving their kids wedding gifts if the parents paid for the wedding. She said, “The wedding is the gift.”
I have had friends that have gifted their kids a car, a down payment for a home on top of paying for the wedding.
Other things I’ve see done is purchasing furniture for the couples home, jewelry, or paying for their honeymoon. In some cultures the gift giving is expected especially from parents of the bride. The question always asked at the wedding is what did the brides parents give to the couple and the grooms family. Sadly some families set high expectations from the brides family before the wedding planning can start.
It seems clear from the responses here that the answer to this gift question is like so many other issues. Parents should do what they feel comfortable doing and not worry about everyone else’s experience. We have a wide range of experiences with regard to showers, gifts, contributions to the rehearsal dinner/wedding costs, etc. It’s certainly interesting though to read about the variety of experiences, which is why I continue to visit this thread:)
@raclut I personally find it rude to inquire about gifts at a wedding. It’s no ones business.
Cultural differences. What’s rude in one culture isn’t in all. 
I know that it’s really “up to us” as to a wedding gift for DD and FSIL, and I know they don’t expect anything from us. (Honestly, I can’t remember if my parents gave H and me anything for our wedding.)
I just keep remembering that scene from Steve Martin’s remake of “Father of the Bride”: Steve and Diane Keaton give the couple an espresso machine, and the groom’s parents give them a new car.
30 years ago, my parents paid for our (modest/65 guests) reception, which was their gift. Mom hosted the rehearsal dinner in her basement. There were no showers. H’s parents (who could barely afford to drive to the wedding/2 nights in budget motel) gave us an oval brass frame ($10ish?) for our wedding photo. Unfortunately the frame was vertical/not convertible and our photo was horizontal. We later used it for S’s toddler photo. It’s still sitting on our dresser, glass broken long ago and never replaced. We couldn’t afford a honeymoon–spent one night in a hotel in town.
Dil’s parents told us they shared a “reception” with 3 other couples who were married in their rural area on the same day. No invitations, didn’t necessarily know the other couples. Whole town shows up for drinks/dancing. I’d never heard of this, but they said it was common there/then (early 70s). She said people gave $1 bills as gifts, and many gave nothing at all.
I remember on CC when parents spoke of buying their kids a house. If they still talk that way here, I must be missing those threads.
The gift could just be a token of your affection.
I know we can’t be taken advantage of without our cooperation/consent, but it’s still galling. Dh doesn’t want me to say anything to FSiL or his mother, but I think I ought to let her know that some people are adding extras when they RSVP. My excuse is that she was adamant about their side not bringing young children and said a few relatives would not be invited due to previous bad behavior. Since I don’t know these people, I have no idea who they’re planning to bring with them and think she needs to sort that out. When the first reply came with 3X the number invited I was too flabbergasted to think what to say. Now that there are more, I want to talk with her. The venue is large enough (unfortunately - that would be a good excuse otherwise) and we can afford the added expense (although there are other ways I’d rather spend that money.) D got defensive and thinks I’m being silly about etiquette violations that no one but me cares about.
I am so looking forward to the weekend after the wedding.
Silpat, I would definitely want to now. Whether I did anything about these people is another question, but I would definitely want to know.