Silpat, I think the groom and his parents would definitely want to know. If you don’t tell them, you risk allowing someone to attend whom they would rather not have at the wedding.
Y’all are right, I’ll text the MOG and ask her to call me at her convenience. Dh will want me to grit my teeth and tell her that it’s just fine to increase the number of guests, so I’ll have to make it be all about who and not how many.
Wedding trends and how weddings are planned and paid for vary so much now.
Some young couples may see so much ‘given’/handed to their friends - we always have made sure DDs know that money doesn’t come on trees and also that they are well cared for but also need to have the satisfaction of figuring out how to support themselves after their 4 year college degree (and gaining degrees that can carry the lifestyle they want). They see others at college who have financial worries and struggles they don’t have versus looking at the students with everything handed to them.
DD and her now H planned their own wedding; we gave them a set amount, and his parents gave them money - don’t know how much of it covered the rehearsal dinner - which was nice while casual/lower cost (all out of town guests there, so was about 60 people - we were all in one room and it was buffet BBQ with fixings).
While things were going along in their planning/paying along the way, we gave them an additional cash gift - which we knew their money was tight and they had deposits to pay.
Agree with so many on this thread.
BTW, interesting thoughts - my sister’s son and his wife when expecting their first child asked my sister “when are you going to quit your job to help us with the baby?” HUH??? Sister did not enable them, and just retired - her grandkids are 2, 4, and 6 and she keeps her limits and boundaries. The other grandparents have just watched the grandkids a whole weekend, so see if they do that again!
@Silpat - be my “keep the guest numbers real” buddy. We host a cross-cultural wedding for our DD and her DF next year. Both kids want to keep their wedding on the “smaller, more intimate” size. Groom’s culture is “come one, come all” for weddings. G is not. We are at 150; hosting both wedding and rehearsal dinner. FoG asked DH twice this weekend if the guest number was in the contract. Yes, it is, answers DH each time.
Your wedding happens much sooner that ours and you have alerted me to a point of vulnerability in the invitation process. That bears some thought. Thank you.
We received an invitation today with a response card that already had the number of guest stamped in. It makes it pretty clear how many are invited. Avoids the family who has two invited and decides to bring the entire family.
I’m reading all the advice and I appreciate those who come back and share their experience and wisdom. We are about 13 months out.
The groom was over on Saturday and a lot of questions were thrown his way. It was quickly apparent he had no clue about dress code. Bride to be was over Sunday and clarified a few points. I’m a bit concerned they are going to have to cut back on some ideas as it all adds up. I think H and I need to go over our guest list and confirm numbers with the couple.
Can I join the guest numbers club? I’ve learned that it’s a totally accepted thing in their culture to bring family members who aren’t on the invitation, especially kids. I’m nervous because we’re inviting 350 and the room fits 350, not to mention that I just don’t want lots of extra kids when a) my own family cut down on inviting kids, and b) there’s only food allotted for X amount of people.
I like the idea of writing in “We have reserved [2] seats in your honor” but I’m afraid that won’t act as a deterrent.
@rebeccar, I must have missed a step? I thought you were going for something smaller?
I hope it all works out and it’s the wedding you really want it to be.
D1 just put up her wedding website to provide wedding information and for RSVP. They had a page of their pictures from the time they met to engagement.
We are attending a wedding in November. Very large wedding with 4 events taking place in different hotels and a welcome dinner the night before the wedding at a restaurant. I really like that the family decided to do online rsvp’s.
You have to key in your first and last name of each guest and then click accept or regret for each event. There is no way to add extra guests online or to account for them. The couple didn’t create a registry and it is an unspoken assumption to give cash. (?) The families have blocked rooms for three nights at $249/night. (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) (wedding in the morning, and reception in the evening)
I think with the return mail rsvp’s there is more chance for guests to add additional numbers to the attending list.
I’ve seen guests check off Mr. and Mrs. and then add plus 2. (which I completely disagree with)
There is a need to be firm in a nice way and set some boundaries otherwise you will be over budget and will not be able to accommodate uninvited guests when you have reserved seating at the reception. At my sisters wedding we had to repeat to guests that the hall can only accommodate “x” number of people. (for those who wanted to bring additional guests.) The day of coordinator will be helpful because you don’t want guests coming to your family asking them to find seats for the unaccounted guests. We actually had that happen.
I really like the idea of an intimate wedding but you never know who your kids will marry. They may come from a family that says the more the merrier.
No, it was always going to be huge because his family is huge. The issue was just who’s going to pay for it.
@rebeccar I was just making a general statement about accounting for the number of guests based on what I have seen. My parents organized four daughters weddings. The wedding we are attending in November the grooms family is paying for all their guests and the brides family is paying for all her guests. Both families agreed to split the headcount based on the hall capacity limits. (Around 400 total)
In this situation the grooms family wants to help by paying 50% of the wedding costs. They don’t want to burden the brides family.
You have to do what best suits your family and what makes you happy.
I kind of feel like the wedding is around the corner, with the wedding website up and save the date invite is ordered to be sent out soon.
We are down to details…many details. I think I worked out the busses tonight, and I will finalize the desserts in the next day or so. My H and I have come to an agreement that we can afford what we have been asked by our S to do, and it will not create a hardship, so we will just do what I think is necessary and it will be what it will be. This coming weekend is the only weekend the couple is free from now until the wedding (my S’s bachelor weekend, an out of town wedding, and his cousin’s Bat Mitzvah) and we are going to the beer hall where the “night before” dinner will be held to finalize the setup and food. There is no rehearsal, so we have renamed it, “The Night Before.”
I went to a wedding last weekend (my D was a bridesmaid) that had a fun Sunday brunch, which I’ve not seen before. The groom is a runner (ran college track) and came up with the idea of a 5K run. Bride had him add a walk to it. They treated it like a real race–numbers, tee shirts,trophies, and a marked course, which started and ended where the groom’s parents have a summer place (the wedding was at a venue a few miles away).
Everyone who didn’t walk or run–watched and cheered as people crossed the finish line. During the run and afterward there was a breakfast buffett with bagels, dinuts, croissants fruit, coffee, juice, sports drinks. I walked–beat a few very slow runners!!
@Silpat , in the first place I simply cannot imagine people RSVPing for more people than invited. Extraordinarily rude! Secondly, since the MOG has already let you know about her concerns, I really think you ought to let the MOG know so that she is not confronted on the day with these people. IF the venue can accommodate them and IF you can afford it it is one thing to be willing to include them, but no one should be caught unawares. She may prefer to let them know that only X persons on the invitation are invited. (And you can do the same on your side.)
@raclut, sounds like a wedding to decline. Maybe send a check, if you were into giving cash. $750 for hotel alone? No way.
About 5 years ago the parents of our good friends gave the D a wedding full on. A big beautiful formal wedding.
Another woman in our group was sent an invitation for 2–she and her H. She added her D. The D was friends with
many of the guests and this mother decided that she would not let her D be left out. (a common situation for them).
So mom added D and then MOB called to say no and mom went on and on about not leaving her D out and MOB
relented.
My thoughts–I do think this D should have been included given all of the many group parties 5 families had over
9 years. And I think mom was totally out of line. I, myself, would have just declined for H and myself and sent
a nice gift.
A gal at work is planning a nice, but relatively low cost wedding. She knows someone who spent $250K on DD’s wedding, which included a dress for $27k.
You know…I think everyone has a line in the sand somewhere about who is invited…and who isn’t…to a wedding.
We have our line drawn…and it was made with the bride’s and groom’s wishes in mind. They also considered people important to us.
In our case, it’s an evening reception. We have invited no children. None. My guess is this means some of the cousins will decline the invitation because their three or four kids are also not invited. If they add them to the RSVP, we will politely call and say that they cannot be accommodated.
My D is having no children. Period. There is one woman who wants one kid invited, but as my D said it’s a hard no. Since she was so comfortable in putting her foot down with her own mother, I don’t expect any problems along this line.
I have a question for all of you. I hope I can phrase it so it makes sense.
If you have a child getting married to a person with a sibling of the other gender that your child either doesn’t know or isn’t close to, do you generally think/expect that the sibling will be part of the bridal party if there is one?
My other D, who is not engaged, was talking to her boyfriend about this. She has a brother much younger than she and the boyfriend has a sister much older than he is. Both are close to their own siblings, but not close to the other’s sibling because of age and distance. My D wants a bridal party someday and mentioned to her boyfriend that she would ask his sister if they got married, and that she assumed he would ask her brother. The boyfriend was absolutely shocked, never heard of such a thing, thought his sister would find it very weird.
I know every family and group handles this differently, so I was wondering if anyone had thoughts?