I am glad that my SIL’s family loved my daughter enough to be generous and fund 75% of their wedding, without making me feel like a deadbeat. I know it is tradition for the bride’s family to pay, but why is that? It is a celebration of two people and their families, so one family should pay? That being said, I would have paid more if I could have.
Their invitation said something along the lines of together with our families, we invite…
My kids’ invitation says, “Together with our families it is with great joy that we [bride’s name] & [groom’s name] invite you to share in our happiness as we exchange marriage vows [date, time place].”
Yes, as mentioned in post 4588, they will probably say “together with our families…” it’s fine. We definitely don’t want her mom to feel bad that she cannot contribute, but apparently her dad is a class A jerk who left mom in a financially precarious situation (I do not know nor ask any details) who will apparently, if he shows up, claim that he paid for his daughters wedding. He hasn’t even seen her in several years. We do not want a scene at the wedding, and hopefully that is a non-issue. They are paying zero. Zero. And future DIL doesn’t want to deal with whether or not to put his name on an invitation
jym, does future DIL even want her dad there?
When we got married, we put both sets of parents’ names on the invite, even though my parents paid about 1/3 and DH and I paid the rest. Did not want to stoke the wrath of the future MIL.
When S1 and DIL had their wedding celebration (a year after the civil ceremony), their invite said, “Please join us in the wedding celebration of X and Y…” We paid and did the catering ourselves and S & DIL paid the rest. Her parents couldn’t afford to help (but they also had to fly three people from the UK and pay for hotel, etc.), but DIL was upfront about that from the beginning. I suspect DIL helped with some of those expenses behind the scenes. Her parents are absolutely delightful folks who were warm and gracious when we visited them.
S2 went to two weddings in the past couple months and neither invitation included parents’ names.
Paying for all or part of a wedding is a gift from you to your child and their partner. They will know and appreciate your generosity. What anyone else thinks or knows shouldn’t factor in and matter, IMO.
I am not that gracious. I drew the line on having the ex’s girlfriend at the wedding. Ex asked D1 if he could bring the girlfriend. D1 said no because she wanted it to be a family affair focus on her instead of about her dad having a new girlfriend. The wedding is also a 4 day event, so it would have been too much togetherness. Unfortunately weddings and funerals bring out a lot of family dynamics and issues.
We have been invited to a lot of weddings in the last few years…as the kids of friends and our siblings get married. TBH, when I received the invitation, I said “oh fun, we are invited to Suzy Q’s wedding”. It never crossed my mind about the wording of the invite…other than the bride and grooms names…and the date, time and place of the wedding. And I certainly never gave a second thought to who was paying for the wedding…because of the wording on the invitation.
Do people really make this judgement?
In our situation, we are hosting the party. That is why the wording is as it will be.but I seriously doubt the guests will give it a second glance.
@jym626 it sounds like the bride and groom really are hosting their wedding as you gave them the gift to pay for it.
The issue isn’t about what the invited guests will think. That is not the point at all. It’s about being so careful about what her mom will feel that it feels like it is a bit at the expense of our feelings. We are also being very limited on who we can invite. We accept this. It’s just uncomfortable. And whether we are gifting the money or however it’s handled, we are paying.
I have asked to be included in the planning of how the invitation to the rehearsal dinner will be worded as they do plan to say that we are hosting that. They plan to make the rehearsal dinner small, but I do not know who will be invited to it. They also plan to invite everyone attending to a get together after the rehearsal dinner. I dont have girls and this is an enjoyable event to plan. We just want to be considered in their planning. We have no strings attached. We just want to be included at some level in the planning of the invitations. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
“Us,” I assume, refers to everyone who will be in attendance. I don’t think D, FSIL, H, or FSIL’s parents care how it’s worded. They are keeping down the word count so that the wedding and reception - which are not in the same place - information can be easily read on the invitation. That’s the more important stuff, for us.
When H & I got married, my parents paid for all but the rehearsal dinner & beer/wine (my parents paid for the liquor). Our invitation was “together with our parents …” My parents were fine with it. That was what a lot of my friends used for their wording. I think every generation and even every locale has different ideas about how invitations should be worded.
How about this: About 10 years ago, H’s cousin addressed her invitations to couples using their first names. Their aunt was extremely upset at that … she let everyone know it, too. You must address invitations to Mr. and Mrs. Harry Potter, don’t you know. Not to Harry and Hermione Potter. She raised such a fuss that no one was talking to her by the time the wedding day arrived. My in laws were seated with the aunt & uncle … no one from the family every came over to the table the entire reception. Etiquette is not confined to just the invitations - complaining long & loud about a perceived lack of etiquette is also not allowed by strict rules of etiquette! (And yes, ignoring your guests, even if you are mad at them, is also not okay.)
When my D got married she and SIL used this wording:
Suzy X and Tom Y along with their parents (names of parents requests . . . .
It worked since everyone paid for some part of the wedding. I’m not sure anyone notices except those involved and others who might be planning a wedding.
I get that this is personal and in jym’s case, multi-layered.
I agree that every situation is different. I have no issue with using any wording that fits the individual circumstances. Whatever works for the family is cool.
I can say with complete confidence that this will be an issue by the time we get to invitations. I think my parents are going to want something like [MyDad and MyMom] invite you to the wedding of Rebecca and Groom, son of [HisDad and HisMom]. After all their financial (100%) and moral/emotional contributions, I can see how it’d hurt to not be acknowledged by name. And it seems wrong to acknowledge his parents as equal hosts. So I get it. I know the more gracious, polite, and un-petty thing would be to just put them both equal and call it a day, but the personal circumstances here make it difficult. I don’t know. If FH thinks it’ll be very rude and offensive to not include his parents, I’d feel obnoxious pushing it. But I completely understand how this can turn into a surprisingly emotional issue.
And the reality is that the guests receiving the invitations really don’t even notice!!
Looking at 3 invitations we received for October and Nov… (1) Mother and father names of bride along with mother and father names of groom invite you to witness…(2) because the Lord has brought them together family name of bride and family name of groom invite you …(3) names of bride and groom request your company to celebrate …
Never thought wording meant anything individual preference.
I have a family member who got married during a period in which her parents were in financial distress. Her wealthy grandparents paid for the wedding.
I don’t recall what the invitation said, but it certainly did not identify the grandparents as the hosts. @jym626 I don’t understand how your feelings would be hurt by an invitation from the couple. If the FOB is even invited–why?–and shows up, actually being tacky enough to pretend that he paid for the wedding–I mean, are people going to ASK??-- surely everyone who knows the family will be aware that it is highly unlikely? Why would it hurt your feelings?
I understand that it would hurt your feelings if they planned a wedding that was antithetical to everything you like, but it seems to me that that would be hurtful no matter who paid for it.
It sounds to me that the MOB is the person who is most likely to feel badly about the whole thing, and be humiliated/hurt, etc. It is very kind of you not to emphaisize her position in the whole affair.
Maybe I’m missing something.
My DIL’s parents paid for her wedding and our names were not on the wedding invitation. We paid for the rehearsal dinner and bride’s parents’ names were not on the invitation. This is traditional, not rude or obnoxious.
My S and DIL’s invitations read as @rebeccar noted above. I know my S was not thrilled, but her mother and father paid for the lion’s share of the wedding (until we were asked to pay for specific things at the last minute) and to be honest, my H and I didn’t really care.
Thank you for understanding, @rebeccar and @lookingforward. We have spoken to our s and he assures is that they will share their plans with us. Apologies to those to whom I am being unclear. In essence, it’s annoying if the bride’s dad’s being a jerk spreads its influence onto things he isn’t even supposed to be part of. Of course grandparents names aren’t on wedding invitations. That’s silly. But commonly parents are. Apparently in our s’s case, they will not.
Another sister is getting married several months after my s and his fiancée. That sister is not inviting the dad at all. They are paying for their own wedding.
@rebeccar, I think your feelings (and your parents’) are totally reasonable. If I remember correctly, isn’t it your fiance’s tradition that the parents of the groom pay for everything and host the wedding? And aren’t you expecting your fil to tell everyone that HE paid for the wedding?
How are the discussions about guest allocation by side going? And I think I asked you, but don’t remember a reply – will you and your husband be expected to take the in-laws in if they need help in their elder years? To financially support them? What is the tradition in their culture?
@cbreeze “My DIL’s parents paid for her wedding and our names were not on the wedding invitation. We paid for the rehearsal dinner and bride’s parents’ names were not on the invitation. This is traditional, not rude or obnoxious.”
I absolutely agree. What’s wrong with tradition?