2016 and beyond wedding moms and dads (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
4621

Tradition seems to be : parents of bride request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter xxxx to xxx son of parents of groom

Future DIL does not want her fa’s name on the invitation and doesn’t want it “obvious” that neither of her parents are paying, so no parents will be listed. There is apparently a format for when the grooms parents are the ones hosting the wedding, but they don’t want to do that, which we understand. The point was that they had seemed focused on what they did not want, because the dad/ ex husband has been such an awful person, and they wanted to protect her moms feelings too, that it felt like the grooms parents, who are footing the bill, well they didn’t get asked if they had any thoughts or feelings or suggestions about the invitation. @rebeccar is in a similar situation and gets it.

4622

@jym626, as you’re learning, children of divorced parents face a lifelong series of awkward and painful situations through no fault of their own. Things that are easy and natural for others are challenging and unnatural for them – all as a result of events that occurred years earlier and in which they had no say.

Whatever you can do to help make things easier for your future daughter-in-law is the most important wedding gift that you can give to her and your son.

I say this as someone who grew up with divorced parents and who married a man with divorced parents. Our families faced a seemingly endless sequence of awkward situations, but our wedding was by far the worst – even though my husband and I were on reasonably good terms with all of the parents, and all of them fulfilled their financial obligations to their children.

It must be so much worse for your future daughter-in-law and (because he’s now involved in this mess, too) for your son.

I doubt that the young couple meant to slight you when planning the wording for their invitations. But really, there is no wording that would include the groom’s parents’ names but not the bride’s parents names without making it obvious that the bride’s parents are not contributing financially. And when the bride doesn’t want to include one of her parents on the invitation (for reasons that, you can be sure, are very deeply felt) but doesn’t want to make this obvious, a wording that includes no parents’ names seems the most tactful.

I know that your feelings are hurt, and I’m glad that you can share those feelings with all of us. But even if the bride and groom had consulted you, I think the invitation wording would have turned out the same.

And your daughter-in-law probably hasn’t even dealt with the walking-down-the-aisle issue yet. :frowning: And she hasn’t dealt with the awkwardness of the wedding day itself, when people who can’t stand each other will have to be in the same room, and one of them cannot be trusted not to make a scene. Most brides look forward to their wedding day. I suspect your future daughter-in-law is dreading hers.

Compared to that, issues about the wording of invitations seem kind of small.

I don’t mean to minimize your feelings. I’m just trying to put them into perspective a little.

4623

Thank you for your perspective. But her situation is not the same. At all. She grew up in a two parent, intact home. Her parents only divorced a year or 2 ago, when she was grown and out of college. Not minimizing its impact, it is a different situation. And no, she is not dreading her wedding day. That would be awful, and if she were “dreading” it, they’d probably do something quite different, like elope or have a very small, private ceremony. But they are not. They are planning a wedding that is what they want. She plans to have her brother walk her down the aisle. She has dealt with that. She wants to protect her mother. I get that, and we support that.

And to repeat what I said in post 4588, it “just hurts a little” how the issue of the wedding invitation came up. I shared the feeling here (reread that post please) and people are misunderstanding and projecting their personal experiences.

We were in their kitchen, where they have a few wedding invitations on their fridge. We (my son and I) were chatting about an upcoming wedding of a college friend, and the topic of who was officiating at their wedding and what their thoughts were about the wedding invitation came up. And what came up was that her dad who is not paying a penny would possibly trying to take credit if he shows up ( and no, @consolation, no one is likely to “ask”- that’s not what I said and thats silly too) and what the plan to do if he brings his uninvited girlfriend. The focus ws on protecting her mom and not embarrassing her because her mom would love to, but cannot afford to contribute to the cost of the wedding. We get that too. So we are paying for the wedding.

So, future DIL has dealt with the decision about walking her down the aisle. The decision to invite her dad is a new one, and I am not sure it is a final decision. Son, to be honest, what seems. “kind of small” is to assume your situation and hers are alike. They are not.

4624

Ran short of time so couldn’t correct the typos above.

I do not apologize for feeling “hurt just a little”. No need to blow it out of proportion. We are all aware that there is a delicate tightrope to walk, and we will do this together and be sensitive to their wants and needs. I do not have daughters, so being included in some of the wedding planning is something I enjoy. I was merel sharing that it was uncomfortable, but we were aware of the challenge. And asked how others were handling the wording of their wedding invitations. I appreciate the suggestions for working and they (S and FDIL) have come up with some good plans.

4625

^ Suggestions for *wording, not working. Ack for typos.

As an aside, as I mentioned earlier, we are being held to a very small number of invitees, and they are sending “save the dates” to only a few of the people on our list. So if my feelings were a bit sensitized when the invitation thing came up, I think it is understandable.

4626

@jym626, your feelings are totally understandable, from my perspective. As with so many things in the “wedding universe”, the ripple effect from each decision will impact each person involved, differently. Initially, my DIL’s mother did not intend to include her long estranged (and divorced) husband in the invitation, but he came through for his daughter and contributed 1/2 the cost of the wedding, so the invitations read as @rebeccar noted, with the minor revision of “MOB and FOB (separate names) request…”. We were always going to be listed solely as G’s parents, rather than as hosts, which probably upset my S more than me, but we all survived. I could list many things that upset me about the wedding, many of which could have been avoided with some tact or at least sensitivity on the part of the MOB, but in the end the kids are married, happy, and it was a lovely day.

I don’t think any of us can “walk in the other person’s shoes” in these situations because so much is dependent on personalities and circumstances that are so personal to each person/family. As a friend of mine often said to me, “Honor your feelings while finding a way to deal that works for you.”

4627

Well said runnersmom. I understand your feelings jym626.

4628

My D’s invitation will say “Jane and John joyfully invite you”

4629

Jym, I totally get what you are saying. My feelings would be hurt, too. I really hope this isn’t a sign of things to come with protecting your future DIL’s mom at all costs at all times - we had a family situation like that. But I give you total respect for making sure that your son has a beautiful wedding.

My daughter’s future inlaws are divorced and there is a lot of awkward. My D and her fiancé have, for various reasons, only been to two weddings in their lives, one of which was straight-up weird. There are going to be pitfalls. I had brunch with the couple and his mom yesterday. Lovely woman, pleasant interaction.

The couple is paying for most of the wedding, the FOG is helping, and we are purchasing certain things at the request of the couple. Fortunately, they are both lazy and have heaped decision-making on us, even when we want. I think it would have been nice for Jym’s son to chat with her about the invitations beforehand. I didn’t realize it wasn’t a thing to do so.

The groom will escort his mom to her chair, but that leaves the dad unescorted and there is some question that I should be escorted by him. I want to be escorted by my son. The FOG is not my problem. Perhaps I am a terrible person. I don’t even know the man.

4630

Thanks, everyone. These are all examples of things to be mindful of. The good news is the invitations aren’t being ordered just yet, so we had the opportunity to discuss wording and I am fine with the “together with their families”… wording. And I believe I will be included in the wording of the invitation for the rehearsal dinner. Not sure if the invitation to the rehearsal dinner will be inserted into the invitation for those invited or if it will be a separate invitation. DS and FDIL purposely selected a venue that has a package of services so they have less to think of or handle WRT the wedding. We went while we were visiting to the hotel that they are likely using for the out of town guests and had lunch in the bar/restaurant at the hotel where they will probably have the after party. So they are open to suggestion and input.

FDIL’s mother is lovely, and I am ok with being sensitive to her feelings, but I think at present it’s mostly around the (#)(#()# *&&^^% ex H and not letting him upset her. I am aware that holidays will be juggled, but I think DS and FDIL are for the most part very considerate so this thing with the small # of invites, not sending too many “save the dates” to our invitees and the off the cuff wording of the invitation discussion were out of character and took me back a bit. I think it will all work out. Maybe I was feeling a bit unappreciated.

4631

My mother would say, more or less, how she’d paid for a big chunk of my wedding. But truth is she paid a small final payment on my dress ($200?) and her flight east. (Or did my Gm send her a check for that? I know Gm paid for rooms.)

She would have liked to invite friends I’d never met, old neighbors I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I drew a line because the whole was small, 60. And, as much as was on my shoulders, I couldn’t handle changes and how that affected arrangements, tracking, etc, and costs.

But turning the tables, if I were footing the bill (not just a few thousand, a gift, but more,) I do think I’d want some “inclusion in some of the wedding planning.” Not control, but the feeling my thoughts were listened to and considered, even if rejected.

I don’t know what “few” means (re: guests.) Or how many more one might want. Or what “some” means. Or how much $ and how much the MOB gets to participate.

But I’d be tempted to very diplomatically and lovingly speak up. No guilt trips, no demanding. Much willingness to compromise. But a continuation of the sorts of lessons in “nice.”

4632

@jym626 - if you are paying for the wedding, why can’t you invite who you want or have few more guests than the bride’s side?
I would have a discussion with S2 about your involvement in the wedding planning.
I am paying for the wedding per the tradition, and the groom’s parents are consulted on location, venue, ceremony, guests and etc., but they do not have input on a lot of other wedding planning, like decor, food, band, photographer, etc. D1 is asking me for my opinion on all her planning. I think it is because she has always shared things with me, but it is also because I am paying for the bulk of it.
If you are funding the wedding and the couple is not including you in their planning, I think it is kind of rude. I don’t blame you for feeling unappreciated.
As far as the bride’s father bringing his girlfriend, the bride is going have to deal with it if protecting her mother is so important.

4633

They are including us (we saw a venue with them, and recently saw the hotel they are considering for the out of owners and the after party). But yes, even though we are funding the wedding, I am the mother of the groom, not the MOB, and I get that its her/their wedding. I was not happy with the limited # of guests we are allowed to invite, and we ultimately agreed that they would not send save the dates to all of our guests. It’s all about compromise. But I thought he’d sent one to one friend who hadn’t gotten it when I asked, and it was awkward. We sent 2 out from his apartment the other day. But I am not comfortable being heavy handed. I make requests and we compromise. I dont know how much compromising is going on on the brides side. I want to be included, but I am not going to say “we are paying so we should get to decide…”. We have said we will cover the costs of extra guests, but heck, we are paying anyway!!

They already have a friend who will be a “bouncer” if she does invite dad, he does come , and shows up with the uninvited new GF.

4634

“If you are funding the wedding and the couple is not including you in their planning, I think it is kind of rude. I don’t blame you for feeling unappreciated.”

Wouldn’t it depend on how things were communicated from the get go? If the offer to pay was made with “no strings attached” than I wouldn’t fault the couple too much as it is their wedding to plan. Although courtesy might dictate some communication, in hindsight, perhaps expectations should have been clarified from the get go, but these things happen. It’s not like everyone has been through the process before. My suggestion is to discuss it openly with both bride and groom sooner than later so feelings don’t fester and build and get in the way of the big picture.

4635

People. This is another example of facts being assume, as they say, are not in evidence. We are being included- but they have decided on the size wedding they want, and we discussed (we all compromised) on the # of people on our list and some who would not be getting save the dates. Apparently he had that on an excel spreadsheet he shared with us but I didnt see the list of who was/wasn’t getting save the dates. The invitation thing came up in conversation this weekend and I am glad I brought it up befor they moved into that phase. While we are funding the wedding, we don’t have strings attached, but there are some courtesy things we are all being open about addressing. This invitation thing was one example. Communication, especially across country, is an ongoing thing. And we are not going to be pushy. We will discuss with them, and we had a very candid conversation about the things DH felt strongly about (it is an interfaith wedding). Communication is ongoing.

4636

@jym626 - you have described a challenging situation well and are clearly keeping the focus on what is best for your son and FDIL, as well as her mother. Being the well-intended parent of a bride/groom doesn’t turn us into super-hero robots without our own feelings cropping up on occasion, nor should it. Of course, it is “their” wedding, but it has implications for their families as well.

Reviewing this thread and discussions with friends, inevitably one of the most fraught part of wedding planning is that the complex situation, squeaky wheel or more wedding-focused culture tends to be the most accommodated. Financial circumstances/arrangements can accentuate the dissonance. We are hosting our D’s wedding and have also had moments of feeling slightly squeezed, particularly on our guest list. We are on the other side of it now, but to feel somehow “less considered”, especially while footing the bill, isn’t comfortable. Fairness and good intentions go a long way. Lots of discussions got us through it. The B/G have earned much respect as they have navigated the decision-trees and their families.

4637

question: It had never occured to me “save the date” cards didn’t go out to the entire list. What is the norm and reasoning on this?

I am not questioning anyone’s decision with regard to these cards. I just honestly don’t know what the current and accepted practice is. They are not a part of my cultural tradition.

4638

D’s FMIL asked her not to send save the date cards to their family or the parents’ friends. Their culture does not send save the date cards, and she didn’t see the need to do it. No problem! Seems like all of D’s friends and our family members of that age group send them - none of my contemporaries ever did that.

4639

Save the date cards are a relatively new thing. DS decided, and I am paraphrasing, as this is my perspective on what they did, that they had a sort of A list that got save the date cards and then everyone on the invite list will get invitations.

4640

I figure it gives people a chance to either make sure they can make it … or get their excuse together if they don’t want to come. :wink: