DH and I made a very large monetary gift to S and DIL a year before their wedding. We told them they could spend it on the wedding, on a honeymoon, on repayment of student loans, whatever they wanted. The wedding decisions were made without my or DH’s input, which I was completely fine with. My DH – not so much. He kept bringing up (to me only, thank goodness) the large gift we provided and why he should therefore be allowed to invite certain of his relatives. I kept having to remind him that a “gift” has no strings and that the bride and groom were paying for the wedding themselves.
@alh If you are send Save the Dates out very early you may not have your entire list together. To me, it is height of rudeness to send a Save the Date and then not follow it with invitation, so if you are unsure of list it is better not to send it. Might run into this if you have tight wedding time frame. Nephew sent his by email very quickly after engagement, but I think just to family and key wedding party because of tricky accommodations situation.
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Yes, as mentioned in post 4588, they will probably say “together with our families…” it’s fine. We definitely don’t want her mom to feel bad that she cannot contribute, but apparently her dad is a class A jerk who left mom in a financially precarious situation (I do not know nor ask any details) who will apparently, if he shows up, claim that he paid for his daughters wedding. He hasn’t even seen her in several years. We do not want a scene at the wedding, and hopefully that is a non-issue. They are paying zero. Zero. And future DIL doesn’t want to deal with whether or not to put his name on an invitation
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Would the mom object to something like:
Ms Barbara Jones and Mr and Mrs jym626 blah blah blah?
Since the dad is a jerk and might try to claim that he hosted this event, it would seem like listing her and listing y’all would clearly make the point that he’s not part of the deal…emotionally or financially. The mom may not be paying, but likely she’s providing emotional support and love.
Would the mom object to having her ex completely off the invite?
Thats a thought, @mom2collegekids. I don’t know how many relatives from dad’s side are invited (I’ll look at the spread sheet) and wonder if that would be a concern. TBH, since DS and I discussed using the “together with our families…” or something similar again yesterday, in a brief conversation as a follow up, after getting suggestions here, at present I’d be reticent to open that up again right now. I’ll hold onto that thought and when they are ready to draft the invitations, I’ll ask if there are any updates in terms of what she (FDIL) is feeling/wanting.
Lol, maybe I’m not as gracious, but I’d be annoyed if after y’all and the mom provided emotional and financial support (I know, mom can’t give $$), the dad swooped in and played as he was the big host of the whole shebang. I wouldn’t even care if dad’s family receives some invites with his name off the invite. Surely they know he’s been AWOL in this dear young woman’s life.
My inlaws didn’t contribute a dime, not even for the rehearsal dinner which my parents also got stuck hosting, but we still included their names on the invites because they hadn’t been AWOL…just lousy with money.
@jym626
Thanks, @mom2collegekids. From what FDIL’s mom has said about her ex (yes I know there are 2 sides to the story, but…) I’d want to stick it to him too. But, not my monkey, not my circus, as they say. Well, I guess it is partially my circus but he’s not my monkey. He sounds more like a donkey…
I don’t think I have ever met the man. There is a small part of me that is curious, from what I’ve heard, of what he’d try to pull at the wedding. But not curious enough to have him upset his ex W and children and upset the wedding.
@zoosermom I absolutely think your son should escort you. It makes no sense for you to be escorted by FOG. He can walk by himself after the MOG (a suitable distance behind). Or perhaps a minute or so ahead, as in between the grandparents and the MOG. There is no reason for you to have to share your moment as MOB with a stranger. This is a special time for you, and your son is the perfect person to escort you (we all know how you feel about him!) You are not a terrible person. Somebody came up with a terrible idea!
Thats a lovely option, @zoosermom. For DS#1’s wedding he and his wife each chose to have both parents escort them down the aisle, so we each flanked our child, and stood up front, but on the side, of the ceremony. Never sat down. Dot sure how this will work out at DS#2’s wedding. As I mentioned earlier, FDIL, per my DS, plans to have her brother walk her down the aisle. Not sure who will walk her mom down, or whether DH and I will walk down together. Up to them.
The ex and I will both walk D1 down the aisle.
D1 will do a father/daughter dance. I kind of wish I could have a dance. Is there a mother/daughter dance?
“Is there a mother/daughter dance?”
Someone posted here in the past few months mentioning a mother/daughter dance. Don’t remember who. I think these days one can do pretty much what they want so go for it!
It was me that posted about the mother daughter dance. I was a single mom throughout her whole life so it seemed so natural that we did that. It was special because the grooms step dad played acoustic guitar and sang “Have I told you lately that I love you.” I think any parent and bride or groom should do what they want, not what tradition dictates.
@zoosermom …one of my favorite pictures from my D’s wedding was of My PBK son walking me down the aisle.
There had been another suggestion, but I held firm on my wish for this. Years from now, I wanted DD to see that picture of me and her brother, not me and a groomsman, who she was kind of irritated with anyways.
Can the FOG be escorted by an usher or even the G, who then returns to escort his Mom?
Oh heck, I’ve raised my son alone since he was a toddler. His father won’t be invited to the wedding. I’ll walk my son down the aisle, and her parents will walk her down. I will leave it to my son whether he wants to invite biological fathers sister, who has stayed in his life perish ally , through dinners.
Ah yes…the walking down the aisle.
I think DH and I will both be walking DD down the aisle.
Our son will walk his grandma down the aisle. DS is also playing the trumpet…so this will have to be well planned.
The groomsmen/ushers will escort folks guests down the aisle as they arrive. We will have a little sign about sitting on either side…as really…there will be way more bride guests than groom guests. We want to mix it up.
My dad escorted me down the aisle at DDs wedding. The groom’s parents both escorted him. My DH wanted to escort DD alone and we didn’t argue.
I think I’m going to mention to my daughter that she should ask the FOG. He might have a preference. The groom has a brother, so it could be nicely worked out for one son to escort mom and one to walk with dad.
This is exactly what I want. There will be photos of my daughters and me as we are all getting ready, I’ve already stolen the idea I saw here of a first look for Dad, but I also want a photo of me and the PBK. I’m going to remind my daughter that someone has to hold me up because I will be a weeping mess, and since FOG is a stranger, we could have mom collapse without my son to get me to my seat with as much assistance as I need!
PBK?? Phi Beta Kappa? What is the acronym here?
PreciousBabyKing.
^ yes–mine is too!
I pointed out to my D that, not only would I be weeping, I needed myPBK/DS to hold me up, since I feared wobbling on heels that I don’t normally wear…
My nephew’s mom did not attend his wedding (long story) so he did a brother/sister dance rather than a mother/son dance. My DS#2 has already advised us that there will be no parent/child dances (at least nothing formal) at his wedding. He is being so overly protective of his fiancee’s feeling about her issue with her dad that it feels a little bit like its at our expense. We will see him at Thanksgiving so could talk to him, but don’t want to pressure him or make him feel conflicted about this. Not sure how to address it…