@jym626 - that’s tough and it doesn’t seem quite fair to you.
Thanks @oldfort. I agree, but maybe it helps that I am a lousy dancer, and maybe its a blessing in disguise 
There are many ways to adjust traditions to circumstances. DD wants and will do a D/D dance; G/M dance is not their cultural tradition and neither wants to be in the spotlight. As I read this thread, it occurs to me that having the 4 parents together, but off to the side while the couple dances could be another kind of moment. There may be many subtle gestures that would elude toxic parents while being special to others.
The “tail tends to wag the dog” in these cases, until it is possible for the one most effected to identify and share the particular aspects of the situation they find most sensitive. Otherwise, there is a tendency to avoid anything related to the tension. That can be a lot… And this clarity seems extra tough to have in a one-off, emotionally charged setting, like a wedding. All good thoughts.
Jym, it’s where I’d be tempted to say how thoughtful, how kind, smile, smile, pause, “but I’d like a dance with my son,” smile, move in close, maybe touch.
“Sandwich technique.” Nice, nice, message, nice, nice. Maybe that you’d like one chance to commemorate your feelings. Not necessarily announced, that private is ok.
@jym626 , I admire your outlook about a possible blessing in disguise. Although I wouldn’t mention it to anyone IRL, our D and SiL made some choices that rankled a bit. In the end, everyone had a great time at the reception.
Dh hates to dance and never dances with me, but agreed to a father/daughter dance (despite D not being too keen on it either) because her new MiL insisted on dancing (to a very long song) with her son and was upset that D and Dh weren’t planning to dance also. The guys all wanted to wear suits, but the MOG wanted her sons in tuxes so that’s what they wore.
MOG also added extra guests, without asking, even though we paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner (which they limited to the tiny wedding party, parents and a couple of their relatives.) Some of their relatives accepted and then rescinded at the last minute (after the head count was provided to the venue) due to activities for their kids which they should have known about for at least two months.
I heard way too much about SiL thinking this or that was traditional and therefore required, when he was mistaken. A few times I tried to offer correct information, then said it was up to the two of them, but it was hard to bite my tongue and not say any more.
I don’t know who seated the MOG as she was in their pew before I arrived in the back of the church, but I assume it was her younger son. My “PBK” escorted me once we thought everyone else had been seated (there were some stragglers.)
A couple of people behaved badly, but fortunately I was unaware until afterwards when some photos were posted on Fb. One of our guests made snide comments about the church and ceremony (too religious for his liking), but otherwise I heard only good things. I’m looking forward to seeing the professional’s photos.
At the end of the day, remember that it’s not our wedding. It’s our child’s. And I, for one, want whatever it is my child wants. It’s not about me. It’s about my child and whatever makes him happy.
ETA: My child had enough agita the day of the wedding. He didn’t need more stuff coming from me.
Good for your son for putting his future wife’s feelings around a difficult situation at the forefront. It bodes well for a strong marriage.
@silpat, ugh, what is it with people making these comments at a wedding? At D’s Catholic church wedding, all were invited up to communion, with a blessing for those non-catholics. At reception, a guest had to rant about how their whole family did not go up for a blessing, because of her issues with the Catholic church/Pope, and wondered how I (non-catholic) could go up. Look, it wasn’t mandatory–don’t go if that’s your choice, but I really didn’t need to hear about it at the reception. She also didn’t like all the “churchy” music. Ummm…it’s in a Basilica! Did you expect Taylor Swift or Maroon 5 music???
Look, I have issues with the Church as well, but it was my D’s wedding day! Not the day to take on the Pope…sheesh…
Yes, otherwise heard only good things, but those negative ones do hang on the brain…
On a completely different note:
Hallelujah! My D finally agreed to a day-of coordinator! After months of me suggesting it (and offering to pay for it) and months of her saying “I don’t really think we’ll need one,” she has finally come around to my way of thinking.
I wish I could say that my logic finally prevailed, but it was actually a friend of hers (recently married herself) who said she really wished she’d hired one for her own wedding.
@jym626 I haven’t had to deal with this with own kids yet, but will say that I don’t love the spotlight dances that everyone does. I’ve been to some weddings where you have a whole song for couple, then father/daughter and then mother/son and it seems to go on forever as a spectator sport. I feel very uncomfortable having everyone watch me like this. So I’ve actually thought of ways I might shorten this.
I would have the couple do a first dance, but part of the way thru, step apart and invite father and mothers onto dance floor and maybe whole bridal party depending on size. If you had S/DIL start first dance and then have a cue for wedding party to move onto dance floor, then you could move in and dance with son and DIL could dance with another relative or mother and it wouldn’t be so ‘public’ since there would be a number of people around.
Interested in hearing other ideas since, again, don’t love the dances with everyone watching - will have to see what my Ds think when it happens. One loves every little tradition. Other won’t care. Frankly, H health will make it hard for him to get through a 3-5 minute song, so that also plays into my thoughts on this. BTW, I love to dance.
Thanks, @gosmom. Dh & I are no longer in the fold, but D wanted a Catholic wedding despite her new H not being Catholic. They had the ceremony but no Mass, and I can guess what would have been said if they’d had a full blown Nuptial Mass. The MOG objected in the beginning but was overruled by D and SiL. On that one thing D stood firm.
@scout59 , so glad for you that your D agreed to a day-of coordinator. I wish we’d found one, but the ones we talked with were very set on doing what they wanted and were used to doing, not what we needed. I could have used the help both right before the reception and at the very end.
My biggest regret is that Dh and I did not push D to include more of our relatives in the guest list. Not many of them would have been able to come, but I think they would have appreciated the thought. She fought us on inviting most of our extended family, then agreed to MOG inviting her coworkers, friends, relatives they hadn’t seen for years, etc. The MOG even asked for “extra” invitations to give to other friends and neighbors, none of whom she intended to actually invite, she just wanted to show them the invitations.
scoutmom, that’s a score! You will be relieved to have that coordinator in place.
I’m mildly concerned about a small logistical thing. I’m probably overthinking, but . . .
My D is having a candle light ceremony that is traditional in our denomination, although the ceremony won’t be in a church. The couple will light their candles and then the flame will make its way through all attendees, and the couple will process through a row of upheld candles. Great. In my church, this ceremony always includes a couple of folks standing at the rear with fire blankets. At the wedding, guests will receive their signature cocktail upon entering the ceremony, along with the programs and whatever they are carrying with them. I’m worried about the lighted candles with all those other things to juggle, and D flatly refuses fire blankets. Probably nothing will happen. However, there have been a couple of accidents in church over the years, so it’s not unheard of. Ugh. I’m sure I’m overthinking.
Silpat, I’ve never heard of giving invitations to people you aren’t inviting. Wow.
@zoosermom - I would worry about the fire too. At a recent wedding, the bride and groom left the reception through a row of people who were all holding giant sparklers. It was outdoors. Attendants were nearby with buckets of sand and water to douse them, or douse any stray fire that would start. And then we all doused our sparklers at the end.
If you’re worried about your D nixing the fire blankets, you could bring it up with the venue who will surely have an opinion about fire and fire safety. I know our venue insists that most candles be enclosed in glass (even outdoors).
The attendants do not need to hold those blankets opened up like sails, they can be holding them discreetly ready to be deployed in case someone lights their hair on fire.
@scmom12 - thats what we did at DS#1’s wedding- he and his new bride danced briefly, then, IIRC, all the parents got on- I danced with my son, his wife with her dad, my husband with her mom and then we sorta traded partners. It worked well because none of use like to be in the spotlight and none of us are dancers at all, so we do NOT want attention called to us, especially as klutzy dancers. I will see if I can ask DS (his fiancée will be with her family over Thanksgiving, so I will have time to delicately ask, hopefully) if I will get a chance to dance with him, my DH with the bride, DH with her mom, etc. I am thinking maybe her brother could step in as the dad substitute, if they are willing to consider it. IF not, I guess I’ll wait for a slow dance and hopefully have a mother/son moment.
@jym626 …if you don’t have an official mother/son dance and just do it later, make sure to clue the photographers!!!
Good point, @gosmom. DH just told me that he actually discussed this with DS this weekend saying something like “you know your mom is going to want to dance with you” but he didn’t mention the idea of FDIL’s brother taking the role of “dad” so she would dance with her brother instead of the dad. DH liked that idea.
I didn’t think I would like the mother/son dance but it was really the only time we talked during the wedding so it ended up being really nice.
I remember when I got married that we did a lot of things because our mothers wanted us too. I felt that with my kids wedding, they told me that they couldn’t do the things I wanted. (And there was very little I asked of them)
Idk, maybe my parents thought the same.
Thats scary about the potential for a fire and not having blankets. Will the venue have a fire code requirement that they be there (or have fire extinguishers?)
We haven’t pushed about the invitations to the relatives, but I do want to be considerate-- I like the wording of saying they would appreciate the thought. Hopefully the relatives wont see it as a gift grab. Which reminds me… haven t yet seen the thank you note for the gift we sent to a family member for a wedding we couldn’t attend- gift was sent 3 months ago.
My daughter and son-in-law waited until about a month after their wedding to send out thank you notes even though some of the gifts had arrived as much as four months earlier (as soon as the registry was available). Then they sent out all of the thank you notes at once.
The reason: They wanted to include photos with the thank you notes – photos of the gift giver at the wedding if possible, other photos if that was not possible. They waited until they had the professional photographs and until they had a chance to have prints made.
I have never heard of people doing this before. Maybe it’s a new custom. I think it’s nice, but it did delay the arrival of thank you notes. Some people who sent their gifts early might have been offended.