Just want to add (but do not want to be too specific about it): Suppose that the other side of family contributes to their “wedding fund” as much as we have done so far, with “that many” of the guests, it is very unlikely they will need to spend that much.
Sometimes I think it may be a good idea that they just have a wedding at her parents’ hometown (actually a major city), her parents could vet easily give her a wedding they are most familiar & possibly pleased with. (Her family is a very large one, compared to ours at least.) They are 100% capable of doing it there, but not here. Is it a good idea?! Some time ago, the FDIL/DS said to us that their honeymoon location is her parent’s hometown and nearby sightseeing places. It is possible that she tried to give us a hint that she does not mind to have a wedding there and tried to see whether we may be against this idea?? (We do not mind at all. In her culture, as I am fully aware of, the communication style is such that it should not be “too direct”, especially between the younger member of the family to the more senior member.)
@mcat2 - that sounds frustrating. What about your son? Could you talk to your son as to what kind wedding they want and how they want you to contribute?
@mcat2 if you are giving the wedding couple a set amount of money so THEY can plan their wedding…then that is what you are doing. Some families choose this option. I thought you said you had done this… And it’s fine. But remember, when you give a gift…it’s a gift…
I suggest you talk to your son…don’t tell him what you want, but you can ask about how the wedding plans are coming…then listen…
Agree, we have our D & my SIL a set amount. They did 99% of the planning. They are in their late 20s, and quite capable. @mcat2 if I remember right, your son is at least in his late 20s, right?
@mcat2 - I agree with @intparent and @thumper1. Having been through 2 weddings as the MOG and living across country from the bride/groom and the event, and despite contributing a lot to the first wedding and paying entirely for the second wedding (not a penny from the bride’s side), we made some suggestions when appropriate and when they seemed open to it, but the money we gave did not come with strings attached. The way we looked at it was, the wedding is only a weekend, but the relationship we have with our S/DIL lasts a lifetime.
The money my husband and I gave our daughter for her wedding had no strings attached whatsoever – in fact, she was explicitly told that she was free to spend it on something else and not even have a wedding with actual guests and food and all that. The money was simply her wedding present, given in advance.
I was kind of hoping that they would get married at the courthouse (total cost about $150) and spend the rest of the money on a second car. I can’t understand how two people living in a suburb can share one car without ending up killing each other. But I am from the older, car-obsessed generation. They seem to manage just fine with one vehicle.
I ended up being involved in the wedding planning, but my daughter has absolutely no difficulty saying no to me, so most of my suggestions were not used. The only thing I made a fuss about was hiring a day-of-wedding coordinator, and the way I won that argument was by paying for the coordinator’s services above and beyond the money already contributed. It was worth it.
DS Is not that frustrated — at least I do not sense that. In the end, it may turn out well. After all, they are grownups and supposedly they should be able to handle it.
We are mostly nervous about how to break ice or “warm up” with her parents and other family members. DS has met them several times and has visited their family and takes to everyone in her kernel family, maybe a few of her extended family members also. I am not very sure who he has met. But DS did say to us at one time that he had seen many of her family members when she took him to visit her family there but he did not elaborate.)
@mcat2 , my D married a man who is from a different cultural background. His family came to the U.S. when he was in elementary school. I understand wanting to “warm up” to her parents, but you don’t need to worry about that. Things will be fine. You don’t need to be friends, you just need to keep the best interests of your kids’ relationship in mind.
We “broke the ice” by asking if his family had any traditions they wanted incorporated in the wedding. The kids were happy to incorporate the two requests (one of which was NO seeing each other on the wedding day until they were in the church).
@kelsmom, Thanks for sharing your experience and advices.
FDIL’s family came to canada. So she grew up in a country where the English is spoken. But I heard her father (then her mother only a couple of years later) chose to go back to where they came from. I am not sure how many years their parents had been living in Canada. I guess it is likely very few years. This is because otherwise there would not be a language barrier. All of her siblings ultimately chose to go back after they had been in Canada for more than a decade, I think. She is the only one who ends up “stay put”. It seems she travels back and forth between 2 countries very frequently (a few years ago, likely among 3 countries when her brother was still living in Canada.)
Wedding planning continues with my D and FSIL. I have been asked to look for tablecloths for the reception. We need navy if possible, white as second choice, rectangle tablecloths for a mix of 6 and 8 foot tables. I am vaguely aware of wedding sites where you can buy/sell used wedding items. What sites do you recommend?
@powercropper, Goskid bought hers online (navy), sorry I don’t know site, but she needed 25 rounds and 4 rectangles.
She ordered one to see color and quality and they were fine. They were ~$10 each…which was much better than the $35/table the venue was charging for navy. After wedding, she sold on craigslist for $200, almost recouping her cost.
The only downside was, as they were new and packaged, they needed to be ironed and transported to venue. Thankfully, her MIL and SIL offered!
Steaming may be easier than ironing… that’s what my sister did for her son’s wedding. She borrowed tablecloths from a friend who had bought them online. My sister has loaned out party stuff to friends when needed, too.
I have a bunch of serving gear, votive candleholders, etc. that have appeared at family weddings over the past few years. When we get past this generation getting married, I’ll thrift store them. (Some pieces I got there originally.)
It’s interesting what matters to kids (and us) and what doesn’t. D1 isn’t concerned with colors or what decorative flowers (I think she’ll let me run that,) but might want candelabras on the tables or some similar high arrangements. Guess I’d better clarify if I should be looking around or checking rental costs.
Mis-matched, when done well, can be attractive.
3scoutsmom, congrats. Every one I know here or among their college friends used The Knot, if that’s what you’re asking.
@lookingforward I hope your venue allows candelabras. Ours only allows enclosed flames. I can’t think of the right term. Votives, floating candles, etc. are allowed.