We have some family “drama” so the seating chart was a bit of a challenge. I did the adults invited, and DD and SIL did their friends. We then compared notes and DD made some adjustments. We assigned just tables. They had varying numbers of people…8-12 at a table.
FDIL is leaning towards assigning tables but not seats, to make things a little simpler. My son also wants to not have a table of all the attendants, because several of them have SO who won’t know anybody else there, and he doesn’t want them to feel abandoned. Otherwise our challenge is mostly the very combative MOB and where to seat her so she feels deservedly honored but isn’t driving someone up the wall.
@greenbutton Do you know anyone who can be a minder? We hosted a small lunch after my father’s funeral, and my girlfriends tag-teamed with my difficult and self-absorbed MIL. I guess it would be hard to ask people you care about to do this. My circle tends to have a very dark sense of humor – we all turned it into a game of Horrible Person Bingo. I got new earrings.
@greenbutton I agree. My sister in law was in charge of helping my MIL…and keeping her away from a couple of other relatives where there was some family drama. We actually did that same role at another relative’s wedding.
In both cases, there were no issues, thank goodness…but it was very nice to us (as brides parents) to know that someone else would help out.
Well, the reception venue is booked and the date is definitely set - May 23, 2020. Still nothing firm on the ceremony. They would like to do something at their alma mater but there are a lot of rules and restrictions involved. For example, FDIL looked into the major campus conference facility, but found out she would not be able to serve the wine my BIL is making for the wedding, as it would be considered to be from an outside vendor. I was disappointed because I love the venue but I understand completely. We had lunch with S1 today. He’s already chosen his groomsmen, which leads me to my question - is it customary to invite the parents/family of your children’s attendants? One will definitely be invited as they are long-time family friends, but I’d rather not invite the others if I can avoid it.
I would maybe ask again about the venue & wine. Explain to higher ups the family ties to the wine. You may be able to use the “outside vendor”… at a cost.
WRT parents of attendants? If they are long time friends, sure. Goskid & SIL did not feel compelled to invite all parents, but did some…IF they knew them. As we were at the max on numbers, that played in to decisions …
The only parents of the attendants invited to our daughter’s wedding were the grooms parents. Their other son and daughter were attendants. DD almost asked a very longtime friend and if she had, her parents would have been invited because they are our good friends.
You don’t need to invite the parents of the attendants unless you would otherwise invite them.
My D had a very small wedding, she kept it to around 20 including musicians, photographer, attendants, etc. She did invite her MOH sister. The MOH traveled from the midwest to the west coast. I suggested to D that she give a plus one to her MOH so she had someone to travel with and do stuff with the day or two after the wedding. MOH didn’t have a boyfriend, so brought her sister. The parents were not invited, even though we all know them fairly well. It needed to remain a small wedding.
For S, he invited the parents of his attendants as he knew them (we knew two of the four sets). Most declined due to other commitments; DIL invited parents because her attendants were from middle school (plus D1 and D2).
D is inviting parents because we all know each other from her college sport; they are planning to attend; FSIL is inviting some.
D and FSIL wanted to be married at the chapel of their alma mater, but the college does not allow booking more than 364 days before the wedding. Some events are not booked more than 12 months in advance. Kind of tough to book a reception venue without knowing if your ceremony is also a sure thing.
@dentmom4 - D1 ad such issue with her alma mater also. She called the booking person ahead of time and told her when she wanted to have the wedding. When the clock struck 364 days before and we were allowed to book, the hall was already booked. D1 was frantic. I had to talk D1 off the ledge by telling her there is another location that would be as nice. Next day D1 received an email from the booking person to say she had blocked on D1’s behalf. She and D1 coordinated as such when she released the booking then D1 could pick it up right away.
We didn’t have the reception on campus because there weren’t that many places that could accommodate 200 people and we had to use a lot of school’s services, especially when it came to alcohol due to their insurance policy. I don’t think there is any point of asking the school to bend the rule to use “family wine” because most likely it has to do with their insurance.
FDIL/S skyped to bounce ideas off us, which I find harrowing but I get it, they want advice on where unique ends and weirdly offputting begins.
They want to do the toast. To thank the guests for being there. I think that’s harmless, DHthinks it’s more spotlight on them after the MOH and BM have also spoken.
They want their first dance to be right after they enter. They want to cut the cake partway through the dancing (this, I think is impractical as the staff needs to clear dishes in a timely fashion) . The bridesmaids are doing a dance, they want to have a “dollar dance” without the money (a way for everyone who wants to dance with them to get the chance, very local culture thing) AND a mom-son dance. Seems like a lot of structure to me. I imagine none of this matters at all, but gosh,
DD and SIL did their first dance when the entered the reception area…after the cocktail hour but before dinner. Nothing weird about that…at all.
Ours had a Venetian table for dessert and this was put out after the dinner was over. Again not weird. The bride and groom did do a small cake cutting, and this happened during the dancing time. Again…not weird.
A mom-son dance is really nice!
Not sure about the no money dollar dance…how would this be done? But if it’s a local culture thing without money…why not.
Just an FYI about cake cutting, and maybe this is just a gripe of my demanding mother! It seems at my son’s wedding and a niece’s, the announcement about the cake cutting was made in between songs and my parents did not hear it, so they missed it. For my daughter’s, I made sure they got to the table in time. My mother was upset she had missed this part, so my suggestion would be, especially if there are elderly family members, or those that want to be present, to make sure they know when it is coming up, or have someone else be responsible to getting them there. I for one would not want to be in the bathroom or outside taking pictures and find I missed first dance, cake cutting or the departure!
This is where your wedding consultant comes in handy!
“The departure”… that is not a thing that happens at all weddings any more. My D & SIL took the bus back to the hotel with the guests who were on it. They did pass the word that they weren’t planning to “depart” earlier, so other guests could make their own choices to leave in cars or via Lyft if they weren’t taking the bus.
Thanks everyone – after we talked to the couple, DH looked at me and said “go ask your wedding thread peeps” so the perspectives are super useful. MOB is mostlysubmitting demands and criticism so I am hesitant to offer much in the way of guidance.And the venue manager has been wonderful.
The dollar dance is just announced as if you want to dance with bride/groom, now’s the time but they are only accepting good wishes, no money. It’s usually right after the parent dance.
D1’s wedding was kind of structured. She wrote out the schedule of when everything was to happen and shared it with the DJ, photographer, videographer and the wedding planner, so they would know where they had to be for various events. It would have been a shame if the photographer/videographer were to miss the important moments or not to have the microphone ready when someone is making a speech. The wedding planner made sure all key people were at the right place. After D1’s wedding, I am a true believer that nothing at the wedding just happens. Structured is better than non-structured.
Our DD also had a very firm schedule that the wedding planner made sure happened. And DD made it very clear that there would be no diversions from her schedule. Did we fully agree with her…not entirely…but it all turned out fine.
Yup, my D also had a very detailed schedule, starting the wedding morning and through the end of the reception. Now… I’ll say that her planner didn’t really handle the part after the reception started. And the wheels fell off the wagon a bit during the reception. A couple of her bridesmaids had agreed with the schedule to pack up the cards and gifts into a specific card around 10 pm, and they… just didn’t. Too much drink, no one reminded them. The bus left an hour later, and D2 and I were left with all this stuff to schlep to the car in the dark with no help. I wasn’t super pleased with that. But other than that, the schedule was quite useful.
We had a fair amount of “stuff” to cart away…no gifts…just our things that we brought. Vases of flowers, some glassware, 100pr more votive candles, some large floor planters.
Our neighbors stayed until the very end, and they carted a lot of this stuff home for us! We have the best neighbors!!
A couple of the groomsmen were very helpful loading things into the cars.
Honestly…that was a detail we totally forgot about!!
I’m a firm believer in schedules. It also helps you visualize the day and make sure what you want actually happens.
S1 and DIL had a notebook, copies of schedule emailed to attendants, me, and the vendors. She started sending out emails the week of the wedding. Bride’s mom was very ill in the hospital, so I stepped up to do a lot of the organizing. At the end of the wedding, I had packed up the gifts, decorations, flowers when we realized we had not much room for all this stuff as the people who brought it all had left. Luckily, the party bus was very under-utilized, so we put it all on the last run and delivered it to the hotel (I had kept a room for another night) and we schlupped it to their apt the next morning.
Sister’s niece had no schedule. She really thought everything just happens. I made her schedule the week of and passed it out to attendants and vendors at the rehearsal. I based it on her general idea of the flow, but it was very detailed. Photographers and DJ thanked me.
D1’s venue has a top notch day of coordinator and she is already working on the schedule for this August wedding. I told her I tend to micro-manage, but I am very confident in her abilities. I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to sit back and just let it flow. D and FSIL have to leave the reception to catch a very early flight the next morning, so they are doing a sparkler departure 30 minutes before the official end.