I know a gal that sang a song during her church wedding ceremony “On Eagle’s Wings”. She has a very good voice. I think she wanted to do it for her husband.
I appreciated this article from Michelle Singletary about money and destination weddings. https://www.arcamax.com/business/thecolorofmoney/s-2201828
So many of our families are so far apart that any place a wedding is, it’s a destination. I know that at least for me, my kids don’t live where I live. Their partner isn’t from where I am or where they live now.
So where would you have a wedding that isn’t a destination?
My one kid wants to have a destination wedding because they don’t really want to have a big wedding. They don’t want any of the traditional trappings of a wedding. And other than immediate family, they don’t care who comes.
The things that drive me crazy aren’t the destination. It’s the other stuff, showers and bachelorette parties and having tons of attendants. All of which have to pay thousands of dollars to be in the wedding.
Bah humbug!
Good point @deb922 DS2 and DIL’s tiny City Hall ceremony was a destination wedding for MOB and FOB as well as the bride and groom. But our northeastern state had the simplest process, so they flew out from California and the Midwest respectively.
In addition to the costs DIL’s parents incurred to travel and stay here, MOB is primary caregiver (wrangler, coordinator?) as the oldest child of her ninety-something mother. Pulling together and hosting meals for everyone was nothing compared to what she did to line up and keep things organized long-distance.
We went to four wedding last year. In all cases, the vast majority of the guests were not from the place where the wedding was held. Almost everyone traveled to a greater or lesser degree. Still , these were all stateside, and I didn’t view any as destination weddings.
We were invited to a fifth wedding in Europe and would have attended if our own kid hadn’t been getting married so close to the date. I viewed THAT as a destination wedding.
My cousins live in South Florida and their daughter is getting married the weekend before Christmas near their home at a resort location. I check the airlines and the cheapest Friday-Sunday flight is $560! I know that might change in a few months, but I can not imagine it will be much cheaper since it is during the holidays. If it weren’t for work, we would go and spend a few extra day, but not easy to take PTO during that time of year.
I feel guilty if we don’t attend, but I will already be taking time off work this summer to help my daughter after she has her first baby; who knows what that last minute flight will cost me! Not looking to spend $1500 for my husband and I to go somewhere for 48 hours. I know I am being selfish, but would rather save that money and fly to see my grandchildren.
The last paragraphs from the article I linked state:
"Why would you hold it against someone if, by declining your wedding invitation, they are being financially responsible?
You do know that your invitation isn’t a subpoena, right?
It is definitely OK to decline an invitation if your financial situation precludes you from attending. In fact, you don’t have to state a reason. A simple, “So sorry I will not be able to come” is all you need to say. By the way, don’t criticize the couple for their choice of location either.
Now, to the bride and groom: It’s your life and you have a right to plan the wedding of your dreams on a beach in Hawaii or on top of a mountain that requires a helicopter drop. Do your thing.
But don’t judge, guilt-trip or berate those of us who choose to opt out. We’ll check your Instagram or Facebook pages for the wedding photos."
And, this is what I agree with. That everyone should do what they want to do. Have the wedding they want to have, to go or not go as they want and can afford. But no one has the right to judge others for their choices, so we should not judge the bride and groom for doing the wedding they want and can afford and we shouldn’t feel guilty for not going if we don’t want to spend our money or time that way. And no one should guilt or strong arm others for their choices either way.
I just went through this with a wedding shower. There’s a shower in June for nephew’s fiancee that’s at least a 5 hour drive away, if there are no traffic issues. Given what time the shower starts, I’d have to drive in the day before, pay for a hotel, and drive back home sometime after the shower. I chose not to attend, explained to bride’s mother, the host, that the distance was too far. She seemed to understand. It’s SisIL (MOG) who I’m sure will have a problem with me not attending. She won’t say anything to me directly, but I’m sure I’ll hear about it through the family grapevine.
We’ve invited 50 to D’s shower. MOG and I are hosting it and including both families. At least 10 are out of state, but we don’t want anyone to feel slighted that they weren’t invited. MOG decided to host her dad’s 80th birthday party that evening (no problem for us), so that her relatives could go to 2 events in the same day, rather than have to choose.
D’s bridesmaid is getting married in January 1300 miles from her family (D is a bridesmaid for her). G wanted to get married where they live, rather than where their families are. She’s finding it hard to put together all the wedding plans, because her mom is here and can’t help much from a distance. D told her if she wanted to invite me, I would come. She cried. It doesn’t sound like many on the guest list will be able to come…grandparents are too old and feeble to travel that far. But that’s what happens when you want to marry far away.
@snowball - first- congrats on all the grand babies!
xmas this year is on a Weds so I am guessing the fares will go down from current pricing. Have you set up alerts to be notified when fares drop? Can you be flexible as to which airport you fly into? Can you drive there?
We skipped DH’s cousin’s son’s wedding in The NE 2 years ago because it was too close to when our first grandbaby was due across the country (and then I broke my ankle just before then so it was fortuitous that we weren’t going to that wedding). I hope they understood.
But, separate story: TBH, I was really annoyed/hurt/offended by a close (well formerly close) friend (we were MOHs in each other’s weddings) who (a) loves to travel and to do so (b) retired early and © whose brother lives in the state where my DS#1 was getting married and she visited him and the state several times, but she made what I felt were flimsy excuses (“its too far, its too expensive, the airport is too far from the venue”, etc) and blew off my DS#1’s wedding… BUT I found out later that she instead went to the wedding (of the son of someone I introduced her to), up in the NE. that happened to be the same weekend. It was, I felt, the final straw in a series of thing’s she’d done that to me indicated that our friendship was no longer a healthy or enjoyable one.
Was she obligated to come to my s’s wedding? No. Of course not. But was what she did (again, after several other things she had done that were pretty selfish) how good friends whose friendship goes back decades treat the other? She retired early because she loves to travel. DS’s wedding was near a big city that is a tourist destination, and the area is beautiful (one of the things she liked for her travels), and the price of the tickets to the NE wedding was probably not much less than what it would have been to DS’s wedding. Maybe she didn’t realize how hurtful her choice/behavior might come across. Maybe she didn’t care. Dunno. But needless to say it left a very bad taste in my mouth, and of course she was not invited to DS#2s wedding, which was held near where DS#1’s wedding was. And I now haven’t spoken to her in years. If she couldn’t afford it, I’d understand. If she worked and couldn’t get the time off, I’d understand. But dishonesty and excuses such as “the airport is too far from the venue (we are talking SFO or SJC to the coast) just rubbed me the wrong way. If she had been honest, I am sure I’d feel differently. But she wasn’t. Maybe she thought I wouldn’t find out. I was very understanding of her saying she couldn’t attend until I found out she went the the other wedding instead. She hadn’t known those people anywhere near as long as we’d been friends. And as I said, I introduced her to them ( and I always invited them all to holiday dinners- in fact in the past we rotated the holidays).
Not that your situation is the same at all. It isn’t. Don’t know how close you are to these relatives, and if they will not mind that you aren’t able to attend (sometimes its a blessing in disguise if headcount/space is an issue). Just a thought. Of course, you are being honest and she wasn’t. And I didn’t mean for this to be specifically directed at you— just a general thought when we decline invitations to someone close to us.
I guess you could call my daughter’s wedding a destination wedding in that it’s in Barcelona and we are here in the states. But her fiancé is from Barcelona and they both reside in Denmark now. Most of the invited guests are from Europe. She doesn’t expect most of the American relatives to attend, but that’s becasue of their culture and economic status.
I agree with the cost of the attendants when it’s a destination wedding. Although we haven’t discussed specifics for a variety of reasons, I think daughter is going the very simple route. We will find out details when we visit in a month. Can’t wait!!
@jym626 I am pretty sure our cousin will understand if we don’t attend. Their first grandchild was born a couple of weeks before ours, and she has to travel long distance to see her, so she understands the cost and time. because of work for both my husband and myself, driving is not an option; it would have to be a weekend visit only. I am keeping an eye on flights and it is too early to even book with Southwest; just peeked at Delta to see what prices were like now.
Our cousins have come to all my kids events, but their parents lived here, so they visited and stayed with them. That is not to say they wouldn’t have attended if family was not here. The wedding will be huge and we will not be missed! Hopefully we can work it out, but if not, we will see them on one of their visit back home.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with them and they will understand if the fares dont come down into the realistic range.
Hi everyone! My DS1 just got engaged to his gf and we’re very pleased and excited!! Any advice for how to have initial big conversations (money etc.)? I think we’re likely all on the same page (not wanting to spend money, haha) but things are crazy expensive, I’ve noticed. Even more than 25 years ago when I got married.
My only experience with wedding planning was my own, and I do not want to repeat any aspect of how that went.
All I know so far is that FDIL wants it really simple, but they want as many people there as possible, including cousins, children, friends, etc. Apparently FDIL and DS both love the idea of a high school gymnasium with pizza kind of wedding, but her parents said “no pizza” and per them, it has to be “at least one level fancier” whatever that means. I have no idea of the finances of her parents, but we do not have much.
Thoughts?
@fretfulmother congratulations!
I don’t know if this is “one step up” but one of my kids went to a very fun wedding…live band, outdoor but covered pavilion, and…a bunch of food trucks. Kid said…it was so much fun!
@thumper1 that sounds great but they’re hoping for winter. 
Thank you!
@FlyMeToTheMoon we are in the same situation. Wedding in the Dominican Republic, typically a destination wedding place, but it is where SIL lives and all of his family is there. They are having it there because his family can’t travel as easily. So destination for half? When S2 got married in the Colorado mountains ski resort it was home for her but destination for our family. No relatives on our side made it except a couple of dear friends of the family and his siblings that I paid for. Their friends made it though and that was fine with him. We had an east coast party later that others came to. It worked.
Congrats @fretfulmother! Another option is having the wedding in a barn. Very popular idea these days.
Fretfulmother, my kids are having a wedding in a brewery. I don’t know the cost, but it’s a small savings over a very formal place nearby. I don’t think there are any bargains in a major city. This city is a destination place for everyone in my family. Next Sunday I’m having a party in my house. It will be the first time I’ll meet her parents.
inside?