@fretfulmother apparently winter barn weddings are popular too https://www.theknot.com/real-weddings/barn-winter-albums
@fretfulmother Congratulations! And thanks for the visual you put in my head of cows wearing festive floral wreaths as headpieces!
@jym626 thanks for the link! (everything is so expensive!! I remember when I was calling around for DS1’s bar mitzvah and they had two sets of prices, one higher for weddings and I was shocked at the time).
@HouseChatte thank you! Well, cows would keep the place warm. And potentially could replace a bar if one likes fresh milk haha.
In fact, we do keep kosher and will likely have a dairy (no meat) wedding because they both would like that (leads to better desserts).
The reason DS wants to have it not in MA where we live, is because of worries of bad weather. However, she lives in NJ and I think the weather isn’t likely to be that much better in NJ than MA. But I also think if they stick to December (their current thought) that it isn’t likely to be snowed out anyway, unlike Jan or Feb.
How have you all initiated discussions about who pays how much for what with the group? Is it in person? (That might be hard as we’re spread out.)
@fretfulmother, can you let the couple be the conduit for the financial discussion? We were willing and able to contribute whatever they wanted (told my S this after they were engaged), but her mom wanted to be primarily financially responsible for the wedding (and was more than able to give them what they wanted) and let the kids know she wanted to “host” the wedding. Now, my S was 33 and my DIL 36 at the time, so they pretty much decided what they wanted and where - we parents made it happen with much input from the couple. In the end, we hosted a large and very fun rehearsal dinner (where they kids wanted it), and provided some “extras” (custom donuts and cupcakes for dessert, gelato cart, transportation to the venue from the wedding hotel and welcome “boxes” for hotel guests), beyond the cost of the venue and food. It worked out for us not to have a direct conversation with the MOB, but our respective children were happy to carry the messages. We were fortunate that we could each afford to help them make the wedding they wanted and were more than happy to do so. I know it can be more fraught when there are more budgetary concerns and/or one family wants (can/is willing to afford) something else. I do think communication with your own child is the key here.
As for weather, NJ is probably not much better than MA at that time of year. My S and DIL got married in the Bronx Labor Day weekend and in the end we lucked out (the ceremony was outside at 6pm and the skies cleared and it warmed up)…but the day started out in the 40’s and raining.
I think asking the kids, “Have you thought about a budget?” might be enough for a starter.
Our venue is a hotel in a destination coastal spot. But though it’s elegant and a destination of it’s own, it’s not right on the water, so $ is lower than others there.
Wedding barns will have plenty of heat installed (and ac for summer.) But I suspect they’re easier to find in MA than NJ.
At one point, for the other D, I just googled ‘cheap wedding venues’ in MA and got some decent ideas.
We also let the couple be the conduit. I was going to pay for most of the wedding (except for the rehearsal dinner and welcome party), but D1 wanted to step it up quite a bit (especially her wedding dress and flowers), so I ended up giving her a budget and she added whatever extra she wanted. The groom’s parents also did the same for the welcome party.
With Goskid, we took easy, clear to us, way out: We are contributing $X amount, plus we will buy your wedding dress.
If you want to blow it all on a big splash event…or if you want to save it and get married at the courthouse, it’s your choice (as long as we are there!). We have very small family, but grooms family quite large.
We do not know amount groom’s parents contributed. D & PSIL (Perfect Son In Law!) have good jobs in the financial fields. D is frugal…and wants good value for her money, so we knew it would be a thoughtful spend. There are many wedding budget templates online, which can be eye opening for young couples. Make sure they get wedding insurance.
Roughly what can wedding insurance cost?
Cheap. IIRC, about $250-300?
You are getting a lot of good advice. Do you have a relationship at all with the future in-laws? That might make a difference. With our older son, his wife’s parents paid for most of the standard things. We paid for the Friday night dinner (everyone was invited and we had a big turnout of almost all of the wedding attendees) the flowers and the alcohol. We ordered heat lamps, which we fortunately didn’t need for the Friday night, and we paid for those. We spoke to the brides family about these and the brides sister’s friend did the flowers, so we all did a group phone call with email photos to see the ideas.
As I’ve mentioned many times, we paid for younger s’s wedding. We sent him some of the $, and some things we paid directly to the vendors. The mother of the bride was sweet and appreciative, but we didn’t talk $$ in our phone conversations about the wedding. The ex husband (fa of bride) was invited by his daughter but not included in any discussions and he never opened his wallet. No idea if he even gave them a wedding present.
Thank you guys so much! We have met her parents a couple of times and spoken on the phone once. I agree that the couple can/should be the conduit. DH and I already told DS approximately what we can afford to contribute. I think we all have good intentions but basically no knowledge. 
Congratulations, @fretfulmother!
We started by telling D the amount we would pay for the wedding. SIL’s parents told D & SIL that they wanted to help financially, and the kids asked them if they would pay for the rehearsal dinner & half the reception cost. They happily agreed. D/SIL kicked in some of their own money … they were not comfortable having us pay for the bridal party’s party bus, for example. In the end, it cost us (H and I) less than we told them we were willing to pay.
I am aware of all kinds of weddings, and all but one I attended was fun, no matter how fancy or unfancy. (The one that wasn’t fun is a long story, but we were and still are good friends with the couple - the fact that it kind of s__ked was not really their fault - plus, it’s something our group of friends remembers well after 30+ years, so at least it was memorable!) You can have it in an event space - we have a building that houses a farmer’s market that couples use for receptions - and it can be fixed up with lights and plants. You can have it at a restaurant that has a party space. You can have it in a barn, a brewery, a heated tent … get creative. We went to a wedding in a giant restaurant that has spaces for receptions. It was a big, open room. The couple had mason jars with pixie stix and windmills for centerpieces, and they had popcorn and cotton candy machines after dinner. You don’t need fancy tablecloths or chiavari chairs. You can have a small cake plus cupcakes (or all cupcakes - or a sweet table). The point it, nothing “has” to be a certain way. It’s possible to have fun without spending a fortune.
Thank you @kelsmom! Those are all great ideas.
I am not involved in planning a wedding but seem to be attending more than my share lately. I can’t even imagine the planning and budgeting that go into such an event, but my take away from this weekend’s wedding was to make sure there is some type of food later in the evening. The reception started at 6:00 with very light hors d’oeuvers followed by dinner that was either chicken or beef with minimal sides and then a small piece of cake for dessert. The food was very good and served quickly. We were probably done eating by 7:45.
After that was open bar and dancing until midnight. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the bartenders were mixing strong drinks and the party was hopping. I’ve been to many weddings where later in the evening they pass some late night bites, coffee or have some type of snack available for people. This wedding did not have it and I think by midnight, people needed something. All of that drinking without any food was a problem. Not that a few small snacks would have prevented some of the people from getting drunk, but I think it would have helped the situation to have some food. This was a very nice wedding in an upscale venue so I’m sure it cost a fortune and choices needed to be made. But based on this weekend, I added late night bites to the wedding checklist I keep in my mind in case my kids get married.
and @fretfulmother, it is different for the parents of the G, especially if either party is into the more traditional approach to weddings where the B and her family seem to have more input/control etc. I know MOB really tried hard to accommodate what my S wanted, though he did put the brakes on some things she wanted and DIL supported my S. So much depends on the personalities (and finances) involved. Your S and FDIL sound like a lot of fun and that will set the tone for the whole event, no matter where it happens!
As for late night bites, I agree with @tiredalready that if the meal will be served before all the dancing, it’s good to have something to balance the alcohol ;). My S and DIL had small containers of tater tots passed towards the end of the evening and another round of small desserts were put out along with the aforementioned gelato cart I had arranged. Guests seemed pleased!
Thank you@runnersmom! That all sounds sensible of course. I think they are a lot of fun though I’m biased. I did ask FDIL if she had guidance for what I wear, and she said anything I would be comfortable in. I know officially MOG gets “last pick” for colors etc. but it doesn’t seem it’s going to be that kind of affair. (I specifically was hoping for permission for a warm shade of velvet which I believe is included in “anything” )
Absolutely - my DIL asked that both her mom and I wear navy which was perfect for me since I would have chosen it anyway! We did both wear long, but that was more our choice than hers. They got married at the zoo, so I get fun!
We gave our kid a budget range. There were some things we were willing to pay a little more for (photographer and band, for example), and some things that ended up costing less than estimated.
The number we gave the kids was what we hoped they could stick to…but like a house remodeling project…we anticipated a little increase as we were planning. Luckily it wasn’t too much.
We are giving our D $xx,xxx and telling her she may use it for the wedding, travel, savings, or whatever. It really takes the pressure off when we hear that the groom’s family is suggesting things that will be an additional cost. Since we’re not paying for it, we don’t care.
I think she wants to keep it simple, but who knows what it will end up being if they continue to get pressure from the groom’s family to add on additional expenses. We would be just as happy if they would elope, since we are not really into weddings.
The venue we were at had brick ovens for pizza (it was their specialty), so we had made to order pizzas for late night snack.