@jym626 - thank you! And, I totally agree about the awful cringeworthy weight gain comment to @Chumom 's daughter.
I am betting they took her dress in by accident - it’s the only explanation that makes sense. If they did that, and if they used a small needle (which they should have used!), they should be able to let it back out. My D had a dress that fit close through the hips/rear. She had to have it let out, and the tailor was worried that the stitches would show. Fortunately, the dress was sewn with a small needle, and the stitches did not show - it was absolutely perfect. I wish the same for your D!
Thank you to everyone for your positive comments.
@doschicos I don’t understand the wedding dress business either! She got her dress from David’s Bridal which is not high end by any means but her dress was on the high end of their dress prices. They took her measurements and the dress did fit when she got it. Apparently David’s Bridal doesn’t make petite sizes, only by special order. That seemed a little strange to me.
She wanted a built in bra put in and , of course, to have it hemmed. I agree with @kelsmom mom that it was just a big mistake. I feel sorry for the seamstress that made the mistake as I’m sure she probably got in trouble and feels bad about the situation.
I’ve been reading this thread for quite a while, and it seems almost every wedding has it hiccups, be it weather, food, family or even government shutdowns which caused the closure of one beautiful venue. I’m hoping this is ours.
Thanking you all again. Sometimes it’s the kindness of strangers that mean so much.
Maybe time to say again that my great aunts (first gens) thought these hiccups were good, a way to entertain the devil and keep him out of marriage issues. Lol.
My DIL ordered her dress at least six months in advance for her wedding last summer. When it finally arrived it was not the dress she ordered. It took a while, but she did get her money back. But that left her with a month or two before the wedding with no dress. She found one and looked gorgeous, but there was definitely some stress. My D is getting married in March. We ordered her dress a couple weeks ago. Where she got her dress, they said they make the dress according to your measurements, and alterations should not be necessary. The dress will arrive 2 months before the wedding, so I will report back to see if that ends up being true or not.
I had the same thing happen with my wedding dress. I hadn’t gained weight but it was clearly too small. They ended up putting in panels under the arms. You really couldn’t see them under the lace.
I’m venting here because I can’t say this to my DD. I’m feeling hurt. I always imagined I would be involved when my only D planned her wedding, but it’s not working out that way. She has a planner who sounds great, and I live around 900 miles from her. So I can’t be of much concrete help. But she isn’t sharing many details, either. Apparently, it is intentional because she gets stressed if anyone questions any of her choices. Then she starts doubting herself. I understand where she’s coming from on this, but I never thought of myself as overbearing. I just feel sad that we aren’t doing this together when I thought we were so close!
I think what put me over the edge is when she showed me the invitation. I was expecting the wording to be more traditional with my DH and I requesting the honor etc. Is that not done anymore? I had told her last year that that’s what I assumed she would do since we are hosting.
I can’t say anything because she’s so sensitive and under a lot of pressure going into her 4th year in med school. There’s nothing to be done at this point. Just wondering if this is how it’s done these days.
Sorry you feel that way @juniebug and I get it. Two things:
- You daughter is a little older - maybe upper 20’s since she is a 4th year resident? I think sometimes older brides (meaning, not 21) just naturally do more on their own - because they have been out on their own! It’s probably not personal.
- Re: invitations. I do believe invitations often do NOT have that “traditional” language anymore. My son and DIL married three years ago (the reason I started this thread!) did not do use that type of language. We were fine with it. It was their wedding together - we didn’t feel like we were “giving them away” or hosting the wedding. But that’s us.
Thanks @abasket! She is 26 and still a baby imo! She used to share so much. Sigh. My DIL talks to her mom multiple times a day. Still, I do realize it’s not my wedding.
@juniebug , I don’t see why you can’t tell your daughter you feel hurt. That is how you feel. There were certainly ways to include you (together with their parents, for instance) if you are helping substantially with the cost. It does sound hurtful that she is not involving you more. And 26 is fairly young these days. Sorry you are feeling so upset.
So sorry, @juniebug. It must be so hard. Our DS#2 and his now wife chose the “together with their families” wording as her dad had turned into a grade A jerk and she didn’t want him acknowledged on the invitation. Is there any issue with her fiancee’s family that might hav influenced their decision, or are they just going with the contemporary approach? I can imagine her time is tight, as a 4th year, and maybe she feels she and her fiancee have spent enough time on these issues and she cant handle the stress of more discussions or second guessing.
But regardless, it still hurts. Vent away here.
Fourth year of medical school is a very stressful year…elective rotations, residency applications, interviews, ranking…and hoping for a match on March 20.
How is she finding the time to plan a wedding??
@juniebug when is the wedding?
Wedding is in September and she is taking step 2 this Friday! We are financing everything except the rehearsal dinner, and we pay all her living expenses. She is truly our dependent. No family issues that I know of. I had her when I was 40, so I admit I may have some out of date sensibilities.
I’m just letting off some steam because I don’t want to add to her stress. I do wish I could be honest with her, though. This isn’t the time.
I put in a word for acknowledging families on the invitation, but don’t think it will get to that. I’m more worried that with our side so much smaller than FSIL’s (6 vs about 24?, the rest are friends,) as MOB, I might get lost in some directions. Eg, if they turn out to be raucous at the rehearsal dinner, dance on the tables, that’s that. FSIL gets it and claims his family is boring, lol. As I said before, FSIL’s brothers will watch their mom, who’s the wild card.
I was a mess as we got closer to my own wedding.
@juniebug I don’t think she is allowed to be the only one who is “sensitive”. There are ways to tell her you want have some details without being demanding or making her feel bad. Maybe ask her “so what’s the latest wedding thing you’re excited about!?” Keep it light but encourage conversation.
She may have hired the planner to ease her own stress but that doesn’t mean she can’t still share details with you - she can share and not be looking for opinions!
It sounds like you are financially supporting her life and her wedding quite a bit. I don’t want to say you are “owed” but I do think more sharing doesn’t have to take a lot of effort - a text or two here and there, a picture now and then, etc.
That said, I guess I’m “new fashioned” - I don’t like or believe in the concept of “hosting” a wedding. Even if I’m providing funds for the wedding I see it as “supporting” the bride and groom and their event. “Hosting” feels very ownership to me. I know that may not be a popular opinion.
@juniebug - feel free to vent away. My D and I had the same discussion about the wording of the invitations; I really wanted something along the traditional lines of “Mr. and Mrs. Scout request the honour…,” and she was going to use something less formal, because “that’s what her friends used.” When she realized that it was more important to me than it was to her, she changed her mind.
My H and I paid for the entire wedding, but I didn’t really see the wording as a reward for or a signal that we were hosting. I guess in some ways I’m just more traditional than I thought, and I preferred those old-fashioned words.
And I agree with @abasket - you’re allowed to have your own feelings! It’s okay to feel hurt. My D planned most of her wedding herself (she also lives far from me), and there were times when I felt so sad that I wasn’t there to share in all the minutiae of the planning. (Then came the wrangling over seating arrangements at the reception, and I was happy to be far away.)
I do admire you for not adding to her stress - you’re a great mother-of-the-bride!
Im guilty of this also. My D gets “stressed” out by things also, and if I’m being very honest, I let her guilt me into letting her treat me less than nicely.
I am only talking about myself. But my D will play on my emotions and somewhat lack of self esteem.
It’s not fun and it’s not nice. But I sometimes let her be very rude and very short with me. I have to really fight with my emotions to let her know that she is shutting me out and tell her honestly how I feel.
Maybe after Friday, you can have a very honest talk with her. She is probably not trying to leave you out of the planning. But it’s still happening.
I’m editing this to say that I don’t know @juniebug if this is what is happening to you. It was a trigger for me that you said that she doesn’t want anyone questioning her decisions. My D says that to me as a rude way (in our relationship) to freeze me out when I am in no way offering any judgement on her decisions.
So this might not be the way things are transpiring for you at all. But if they are, I want to say that sometimes I need to assert myself and let her know that I deserve to be treated better.
Of all of my 5,700 some posts, this might be the most honest authentic post I’ve ever written.
Fortunately, my DD is never rude to me (or anyone). She’s a people pleaser. I think keeping me out of the loop is a form of self care on her part. I do understand that. Apparently, while attending a shower given by the grooms family, she overheard me say I don’t know any of the details of the wedding when I was asked how the planning was going. It might not have occurred to her before how customary it is for the MOB to be involved.
As far as the invitations are concerned, I think of it as each family gaining a new member. That’s why I prefer mentioning the parents. The money issue is beside the point. And if they were older and established and financially independent, then I suppose her choice makes sense.
While my son and his wife used the phrase “together with their families” on the invitation, they also made it clear that they wanted minimal input in planning and that, while they would listen to our concerns, we shouldn’t expect to drive any of the decisions. I admit that I found it hurtful at times, and I keep reminding myself that it’s a good thing that they’re supporting one another as the most important element of the day.
@deb922 , I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Your daughter is not treating you fairly. I feel for you.
@juniebug , I feel for you also. Maybe you can talk to your daughter after her exam. It is very considerate of you to try to avoid adding to her stress, but you deserve to have your feelings considered too. You could try to ask to be included or take the lead on a few of the wedding details that you care about the most.
I think that our generation got somewhat robbed when it comes to wedding planning. Our mothers planned our weddings and our children are planning their own. My D and future SIL are handling most of the planning for their wedding, but they have been considerate about including my H and me in most of the big decisions. We have tried to hold back and only give opinions on the things we care about the most.