D1 can also be testy and I get the brunt of it because she trusts me. (Some reward, eh?) I also get the retort that she’s doing things as her friends did and I’m outdated.
But what I said to her was, IF you need me, IF you need to run a decision past me or just vent or need me to do some task, I’m here. But yes, I’d like an occasional update. Yes, it can be on your terms. You might try asking her to set a time in the next few weeks that is convenient, 30 minutes, and if you don’t need my input, tell me and I’ll just listen (and smile and nod.) When D1 does talk, I keep repeating how great it all sounds, how beautiful it will all be. She and FSIL kind of forgot me, when they first visited the venue (I’d been invited,) but I had to roll with that.
I felt left out of D2’s wedding, in some little ways, but it was a funky ad hoc sort of event and went well. I was happy they let D1 and me provide food and I made the cake. We immersed ourselves in planning and doing that. Great, simple food and a beautiful tiered cake. Turned out there was a second cake, the couple focused more on eating that one. But my cake was still beautiful.
I just remember how tense I got, in the weeks before my own. A simple question from my mother could make me aggravated. In retrospect, I think this was because and extra hint or suggestion was more than I had brain power for. She said the same “Fine” thing, “Use me if you need me.” That helped. She ended up picking up my dress, way across LA, and having some conversations with MIL and venue that I couldn’t have handled.
My D’s invitation reads, “together with their parents”, even though his parents aren’t paying a dime and future SIL doesn’t even get along with them. I guess I should feel lucky to get a little acknowledgement. I didn’t say anything, but I think it is o.k. to voice your opinion on the invitation wording. D, future SIL, and I, all agreed on our favorite venue, after visiting a few. I had a say in the officiant, the caterer, and vetoed the all-in-one, “tear off the RSVP card”, invitations my D first selected.
——, ——, and bookworm request the honor of your presence at the wedding of.
I wasn’t consulted at all about the wording. I have no idea how much $ the brides family contributed. The bride and her mom are totally in control. I vent a lot to my friends
My Son and DIL didn’t ask us and didn’t put any parents names on the invitation. I was bothered by it but I had no control of it. We paid for the majority of that wedding.
When it came time with my D we had a lot of words over the wording. I wanted our names on it in the traditional form. She got the wedding planner to side with her saying that the old fashioned wording of brides parents inviting you to join them for the marriage of their daughter was no longer done. The wedding planner said she didn’t see that wording any longer. She also didn’t like it because she didn’t want the grooms parents to feel awkward. I next proposed having all three sets of parents listed. She didn’t like that, saying three lines threw off her balance. She agreed to do two lines and exclude the step parents but her groom, wedding planner and I told her that wouldn’t work. That it wouldn’t be a good start to in-laws relationships. They settled on “Together with their families”.
For my friend’s son, under the bride’s name it read, Daughter of Mary and John Jones. Then under the groom, on one line, Son of Jane Smith. Next line, George and Bertha Taylor.
I am appreciating all the support! My DD seems be influenced by the weddings she has attended recently. For instance, she said she doesn’t plan to have as many chairs as guests. I said WHAT?? She explained that most young people don’t sit most of the time. So our guests are going to take turns sitting at tables to eat? maybe I should be happy to not have my name attached to this thing!
Call me old-fashioned but if parents are paying for or contributing a decent chunk to the wedding costs, their names should be on the invitation. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the old school, traditional wording, but they should be on their in some fashion and more than just referred to as “families”.
“she said she doesn’t plan to have as many chairs as guests”
Ugh. I’m surprised wedding planners are okay with this.
@juniebug what kind of food? A stations buffet? Or what?
We had seats for everyone because everyone ate at the same time. If folks will be staggering their eating…or standing to eat…I suppose seats for all aren’t needed. If folks will be rotating in at tables to eat, does the venue waitstaff know they need to clear and reset those places? Or is it a grab and go meal?
When my son and DIL were planning their wedding, I about lost it when my son mentioned they would not be providing an equal number of chairs for dinner as guest. I mentioned to him that his grandparent would have trouble standing to eat, as well as standing the entire night. And what about others that just like to sit and watch the dancing? Luckily I didn’t have to raise my voice, and DIL’s mother told them that was unacceptable! While our “kids” are adults, unless that have had experience planning large event, it would be nice if they would seek out their parents input. They don’t need to do what we say, but really listen and think about our suggestions.
My daughter and SIL did all the planning for their wedding long distance. My daughter and I can butt heads, so I have to be careful what I say and do. I am surprised my tongue didn’t fall off from biting it so hard That said, I did suggest rather strongly about the outside wedding start time Labor Day weekend in the south! I had driven by the venue daily on my way home from work, and was able to see where the sun would be prior to the ceremony and during as I had checked the sunset time the previous year. I talked them into starting 30 minutes later than they wanted to make the ceremony not during the time the sun was overhead. We had one groomsman in the sun, so the Rabbi had him move over!
There were a few other things they were not the way I would have done it, but it wasn’t my wedding, so I kept quiet. My mother still will say it was not nice that the grandparents names were not in the program, even thought they were in the processional. My daughter didn’t want their names in there as my SIL’s grandmother was not able to make the wedding and they didn’t want it to look like it was only about the bride. As the programs were ordered without my input, it didn’t matter what I thought about it as she wasn’t going to reprint them.
They are having some kind of heavy appetizers buffet with lots of stations. She did share the vendor’s menu and it looks fine. I gather the reasoning is that the room will not look as nice or intimate with lots of empty tables. There is no issue with space. I wanted assigned tables, which was shot down. See not enough chairs above, lol. We compromised that there would be reserved tables for family and family friends. Apparently, these days the young people spend the entire time dancing and drinking. What do I know?
Note to future parents of children getting married: if you have strong feelings about elements of the wedding that you are going to wave $$$ at, please make that very clear from the start - before any $ are promised or plans are made.
D1 says no chairs at the cocktail hour. I say, not everyone there will be young or know each other well enough to get in the middle of things. I plan to tackle this one, even if chairs are just set aside in the closest hallway.
I was paying for most of D1’s wedding. I was consulted on everything and so were the groom’s parents (but they were more FYI, except for seating, D1 let them move some of guests around). I let D1 make most of the decisions, except for the invitation. As a divorced parent, I wanted to make sure I was comfortable with the invite. The groom was kind of particular about music, so he got to pick the DJ and the playlist (I did get few of my songs in).
What about family and friends? Would they prefer to have some where to sit? I would say over 60% of D1’s guests were family (the groom had a large family), and less than 40% were their friends. We had a separate sitting area with rental sofa and chairs for people who wanted to get away from the loud music. The funny thing is I saw the groom’s grandfather dancing on the floor and doing shots with the couple’s friends.
Re: seating
My grown kid went to a wedding recently with the not enough chairs thing and she was definitely not in favor of it, even if she is one of the younger set. She said it was hard to eat. She also disliked having a variety of stations for food; she said this also seems to be in style now but she said lining up separately for each type of food was a pain. She chose assigned seats because she hates to go someplace and not know where she is supposed to sit. It was a pain to get the seating chart organized but then it was smooth for the guests, none of this going to sit down with your group of five friends and only finding room at a table for four of you, etc.
We had only a few chairs during cocktail hour because of the space, but there were a few along the wall for anyone needing them. Later there were chairs and couches available for people wanting to get away from the music and find a quiet place to talk, but it seemed like most of the older generation danced, at least for the band’s first set.
re: parent input into planning
If you are paying for the wedding, I think you should make it clear how you want to do it, whether you just want to provide the funds or whether you really see yourself as host with the responsibility for planning. Either way can work, but you need to discuss it.
I did find that juggling various opinions could add to the stress. I felt, as MOB, that it was key to say which particular things I wanted to have input on, and which things I would stay out of. I wanted to have chairs for everyone, for sure!
Our daughter got married a year ago. I have to say…she was an easy bride to be. She was a distance away, and I was the “feet on the ground”. If I thought of something, I would share the idea with her. Likewise, she shared with me.
The only time we didn’t agree was about the music. She wanted a DJ, and I wanted a band. We are a family of musicians…so a band seemed right. We had the band…and they were terrific. I’m sure the DJ would have been fine too.
We didn’t use money to leverage decisions.
The invitations were worded just fine. Both parents were mentioned.
Parents were not mentioned in D’s invite. She used an invitation that frankly would have looked very “crowded” with parent names included. Neither set of parents cared.
Our invites say “together with their families” and there was back and forth about the RSVP, which I lost (only online replies, they’ll be sorrrrry!)
But regarding all else, I say a lot of “have you considered…” and " think about how…" We gave them a budget, helped them figure out their share, and I’m clear that money does not equal deciding. I only used my MOG veto once, and they were fine with it.
Currently I see them struggling with the ceremony itself – it’s getting a bit long imho, but they are so releuctant to pare anything. Their decision, but you gotta make some concessions for old people and small children.
That said, I did suggest rather strongly about the outside wedding start time Labor Day weekend in the south! I had driven by the venue daily on my way home from work, and was able to see where the sun would be prior to the ceremony and during as I had checked the sunset time the previous year. I talked them into starting 30 minutes later than they wanted to make the ceremony not during the time the sun was overhead. We had one groomsman in the sun, so the Rabbi had him move over!