Considering the other parents will be your new extended family and you’ll share both kids, I think this check is the perfect opp for a real, old fashioned phone call. I can barely imagine an email, which is so informal. Be ready to tell them some plans, share enthusiasm, etc.
@AllThisIsNewToMe, we were told by the couple that her parents would be “making” the wedding. As the parents of the groom, we told our S that we would be happy to contribute if, a) it would not offend her parents and b) it would mean they could have something that was not within the budget. Her family is, with the couple’s input, planning (and paying for) the wedding. We will be hosting a rehearsal dinner/party the night before and a brunch the next morning. Given our guest list limitation, we’ll also be having an engagement party sometime in early summer before the September wedding. I’m not sure what the usual practice is or isn’t these days, but for this particular couple and our families, this is what’s making sense for us. And I agree with @lookingforward, given the fact that your families will soon join each other, a phone call seems like the thing to do to acknowledge the check @frazzled1.
@AllThisIsNewToMe I don’t think you’ll find a consistent definition of “current custom” for funding weddings. Two of my daughters got married in the last two years. After each announced her engagement, my husband and I gifted a sum of money to the couple to use as they wished whether it be a wedding or a house down payment or whatever. For D1, her future inlaws also immediately gave a lump sum to the couple. D1 and her fiance then planned the rehearsal and wedding and contributed some money of their own. For D2, future inlaws did not want the couple to plan the rehearsal dinner thus the inlaws planned and paid for it. They also contributed some money toward the wedding. I have friends who fully funded their daughter’s wedding. I have friends who contributed nothing to their child’s wedding. For us, both daughters and their fiances were well established in professional jobs and neither my husband nor I felt like we needed to pay the entire costs of the weddings. Both couples planned the weddings they desired.
@scout59, for D’s wedding last June, there were 3 stylists doing hair & make up and they started at 9 am and finished about 1:30. They worked on bride, 6 bridesmaids, a flower girl, MOG, and me (MOB). One of the bridesmaids took extra long as they undid the updo for her and recreated a different version and she was the last finished. I guess it just depends on the number of stylists.
Update on where we are with S’s wedding plans. Our future d-i-l visited during the holidays/first visit. I was pleased that she seemed to fit in well with our family, very relaxed, got along with our younger kids, etc. Save the date cards went out. Bride showed me pictures of her dress (I really like her dress, traditional long white dress,lace top/cap sleeves, tulle skirt), and bridesmaids’ dresses (don’t really care for them, but I said nothing. None of my Ds are in the wedding party, so I don’t really need to take interest in this. . .) S visited bride’s family and they went around to the church, reception site (sampled the food), reserved restaurant room for rehearsal dinner. Flowers, music, etc. all arranged. Bride/mom seem organized. Bride is an only daughter, so this is their first/last wedding to do. TBH I didn’t really think of offering to pay more than the rehearsal dinner, guys’ suits. Probably honeymoon. We have 4 daughters (and 2 more sons), and 3 more kids to put through college, so we feel like we’re already spending a lot. Plus we have to travel to the wedding site, pay for hotel rooms for several days. . .
If you do a search the topic of who pays what was discussed. Honestly this subject makes my stomach hurt. But that me and I’m not the ruler here Lol!
My two friend bridesmaids were from out of town, while my one sister is a beautician. One bridesmaid asked for a hairdresser appointment, and this bridesmaid did not communicate she wanted an up-do for the wedding (which takes longer, as mentioned on this thread) so my mom’s beautician did her job with mom and this bridesmaid, but also mentioned it was putting her behind her schedule (it was done the day before the wedding, as was my mother’s hair with her stylist - both were in the shop at the same time. Gal did a great job on new client’s hair BTW). Both sisters did their own hair, as did my other bridesmaid. My MOH beautician sister did my hair the morning of the wedding. Everyone looked great; no professional make up or mani/pedi - all did their own.
DD2 is great at doing her own hair/make up. Don’t know what DD1 has in mind for her own hair/make up, but there is time to figure that out, and she can ask her bridesmaids if they want to get their hair done when DD2 does or see about appointments they desire. DD2 will make sure DD1 looks great. Best thing to wear is smiles and no stress!
The more things are planned ahead, and hiring reliable services, the better things will be. Also take care of the important things.
I don’t think there needs to be hard and fast rules as to who pays. Too many variables. Financial means of all involved, cultural considerations, family sizes, age of bride and groom, etc. However, I do think the old custom of bride’s family pays for all except rehearsal dinner is a bit antiquated in 2017.
My daughter was in her second wedding as a bridesmaid this year. Both weddings were for very young brides (both had turned 21 just before her wedding) and both reflected that for the receptions. Both were in the church halls, sandwiches, no liquor. One had much nicer flowers (that were done by a friend, although I think the bride paid for them).
My daughter will be 21 next month and I can’t imagine her getting married. My other daughter just turned 20 and has had the same boyfriend for about 18 months. His family and friends keep asking about them getting married, and the response is “She won’t live in NJ” so I think we are safe for another few years.
@scout59 Recently D was a bridesmaid for the first time, and she was told to be at the venue by 9:30 am for hair & makeup for a 5 pm wedding! Not surprisingly there was a LOT of time sitting around trying not to mess it up afterwards. I’m a big believer in allowing extra time, but that was crazy!
We had 2 stylists for D’s wedding and they did hair/makeup for D, 5 attendants and me in about 2 hours. No updos though.
twoinanddone - that’s really interesting about the young brides. D was 24 (soon to be 25) and that made her a very young bride in our circle. Since then one of her friends has married and we know a handful from her HS class, but overall she seemed to be on the younger end. We live in Northern VA/DC suburbs.
With all of HS senior D’s college stuff, what a relief to come to the wedding thread! We just got back from an amazing Christmas trip to Germany with our kids (2 D’s and S) and FSIL. D saw to it that I got a lot of photos of the two of them so she can pick a few for the wedding website. We rarely travel at Christmas, even to parents’ or siblings’ homes, so Christmas day was certainly different – we climbed to the top of the tallest church in the world (Ulm Münster) and had dinner at a wonderful Indian restaurant.
Regarding ages, 21 does seem young these days. D will be 24 and FSIL 23 at the wedding. They had planned on waiting another year or two but moved it up due to grandparent health issues. They’ll be the first in their main circle of friends to marry.
It’s nice to see some new wedding Moms/Dads! :-h
@thumper1, we have an imbalance as well. Invitees include 35 family on our side and 16 on his. There are 16 mutual friends (aside from wedding party) and an additional 25 friends of D. As far as what to do, we’ve joked that we better not follow the old tradition of seating brides’s “people” on one side and groom’s on the other!
@teriwtt, ugh, I couldn’t even finish the “hideous trends” slide show. Who cares if the cake is “naked” or there are donuts hanging from the wall? My D’s wedding won’t be trendy but will certainly be offbeat and I already suspect a few family members will be making snide comments.
@Marian, I don’t think flowers are a necessity at all. D hasn’t decided yet whether she and attendants will carry bouquets, so there may be none.
@frazzled1, I think you should choose whichever method of communication you are most comfortable with. I’m not good on the phone with people I don’t know well. With email I’d worry about getting into the cycle of “I send a thanks etc. email and then they respond to that and then do I respond back or if I do am I making them feel like they need to respond back again, etc.” Yeah, that’s how my brain works, so I’d just buy a pretty note card and concentrate more on the "looking forward to the wedding and meeting you, etc. and throw in a quick “we received your check - thanks so much” or whatever.
@AllThisIsNewToMe, I think whether the groom’s family “should” contribute depends on individual circumstances. FSIL’s mother is not in a financial position where she could contribute anything and I hope she doesn’t feel like she ought to. If his grandparents want to host a dinner or something that’s fine, but not expected by us.
@atomom, glad to hear the big “first visit” went well! It must be pretty stressful (and common these days) to not meet one’s future DIL or SIL until after the engagement.
The wedding I went to was about the same size, and it seemed fairly even in bride/groom split, even though it was in the bride’s hometown (now their town).
I just sat where I saw a seat. My daughter was a bridesmaid, but a friend of the groom. I ended up on the groom’s side. Couldn’t see much anyway.
S and fiancé are in search of a wedding venue for late summer 2018. They viewed 2 last week. One they loved(I think it is going to be beyond their budget) and the other they didn’t care for. They have some other spots they want to see. They would love a Ca redwood wedding venue. This would make for a venue half way between the 2 families which would mean hotels needed for all the guests. I think they are getting frustrated as the places are all so costly or don’t hold enough people. Places that seem reasonable at first really add up when they add in all the required items, making the wedding beyond budget before they even have an ounce of food.
They are discovering that getting married in Ca is as expensive as living in Ca.
As parents of the groom we have offered them a sum to help with wedding costs. In our area of Ca putting the money towards a house doesn’t go to far but if the would rather save for a future home we don’t have a problem with that.
We have relatives that are getting married in the Redwoods this Spring. I think this is the venue: http://www.ymcasv.org/ymcacampcampbell/html/groups_weddings.html
^^^Wow, that’s beautiful! Not your typical YMCA!!! 
Son and fiancee decided on a beautiful venue but has limited their guest list to about 100. I think it will be lovely but DH has a guest list that is twice as many as we are allowed. It’s not a matter of paying for extra guests–the venue just does not accommodate a larger group.
So I have my short list of must invites that fit the criteria and I’m trying to convince DH that half his “must invites” don’t need inviting. Fortunately our lists overlap perfectly so for the most part I’m safe :).
There are two mountain YMCAs in Colorado that are often used for weddings, one in Winter Park, one in Estes Park.
@walkinghome - I think that is on the list of places to see. I think one thing they don’t like about the YMCA camp is that you might not be the only wedding happening. I think they said they book up to 3 weddings per day. They also have another school camp in the area to look at. I’m hoping that the camps come in at a decent price point and will be worth a bit of inconvenience. I think the lodging at both camps is bunks with shared bathrooms.
Fiancé has 2 more places scheduled to view in Jan. My S is already over looking at venues after just 2 spots.
@gouf78 - I think limiting the guest list is difficult. It’s not like we want a ton of friends but we would like to be able to include most of the family.
We’ve had to even restrict the family - my H has a lot of extended family that have always been invited to every family event per my MIL’s request. My S told us he only wanted to invite those he knows and could easily identify on sight - we’re down to immediate family - aunts, uncles, and first cousins. That adds up to 35 people alone. So far, this has been the most difficult thing about wedding planning and I know the bride’s mother is feeling the same.