“Easy for wedding costs to get out of hand”. That has been so for years, but there are many wedding with full blow out costs and then either the bride or groom either do not have the maturity or mindset of a lifetime union, that there is a divorce in short order. Really sad for the parents who made the financial sacrifices. My dental hygienist’s only son married gal that was an only child - the gal seemed to lack the maturity, as she found someone else within a year of marriage (thankfully no children involved); their wedding was a blow out event. A few years later, the young man did marry a gal which is a lasting union.
Many other things get way out of hand as well when it comes to weddings - the bridal shower(s) with various themes, added couples gifting event with a theme, travel for bride to be/bridesmaid ‘weekend’/vacation and ditto for groom to be, etc.
I do think having an expanded night before (traditionally wedding party dinner) and morning after meal for those traveling in and close family is fine - and doesn’t need to be with blow out costs. Since DD1’s hotel had a wonderful buffet breakfast included with stay (white table clothes, beautiful choice rooms in this historic hotel), no need for that. The rehearsal dinner had reasonable catering cost (we had Mexican buffet) and DD1 wasn’t charged for using the location set up (which was ideal for this gathering) because of her volunteer work. Very functional catering kitchen that her caterers were familiar with, and their restaurant was not far away. DD1’s network of friends and associates through her church and campus church organization. At the rehearsal dinner, we had a full table of clergy, extra clergy invited to meal, and seminarian friends. Wedding was the central event, in the Cathedral, but the dinner after was grand with live jazz music/16 piece band. The band was the ‘splurge’ item, but even that was reasonable for what they got.
I don’t know if this is true or “depends” but have to wonder if church based weddings (especially if both ceremony and reception are on site) might be a less expensive option……BUT it seems that less and less couples are getting married in a church/synagogue setting.
Then again, maybe the “one and done” rentals - wedding and reception all in one place that may be one event fee - but it can be pretty hefty!
It’s all in one venue, with the caterer. That is about 1/2 the cost. 285 person wedding. The rest are the flowers, band, invitations, photographer, I’m sure her dress is factored in. (Those are the rest of the majority).
My daughter’s wedding was at a catering hall and services included a wedding planner. Great DJ. The food was absolutely amazing. Lots and lots of food during cocktail hour, choice of entrees including vegan, and a ton of desserts including the yummy wedding cake. Rehearsal dinner at a nearby restaurant (mostly paid for by B&G with small contribution by MOG who has limited means) and next day breakfast at Holiday Inn paid for by me.
D was married in a church, and it was less expensive than getting married at the reception venue. It wasn’t free - we gave honorariums to the minister & to the church (and the various people from the church who assisted with the wedding) - but it was definitely less than the ceremony fee charged by the venue. Fortunately for us, the church & venue were within walking distance of each other. However, many churches will charge a pretty hefty fee to host a ceremony for someone not part of the church.
Ours was an all in one location wedding. @conmama 285 guests is adding a lot to the cost. We had less than half that number of guests. Our biggest single expenses, and both well worth the money…the photographer, and a live band. That band was terrific!
Oh, I’m sure. It cost them $8k. You know, I had a very nice wedding. Same stuff, same things I had to choose. My mom and I pulled it together in 5 months. From the time of the engagement to wedding for them will be 1.5 years.
D also had an all-in-one wedding with the ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception at the same venue – one right after the other. The venue’s fabulous wedding planner was part of the deal. They did an absolutely fantastic job. Our other splurge was on a great band. No regrets.
Rehersal dinner was hosted by SIL’s parents and we hosted the farewell brunch.
I hear ya. 8k for a wedding planner, oh wow. The venue D used had someone coordinating - don’t know that I would call her a wedding planner - and that was part of the venue fee. She coordinated things onsite for the day… we managed without an actual wedding planner (sort of like being your own contractor!) and while at times D said “wedding planning feels like a part time job” (they were 8ish months engagement to wedding?) it was important to them to have a nice event but not blow the budget because they would like to purchase a home in < year. I think they spend $ where they wanted to (good food at the night before dinner), open bar the night of the wedding, a nice honeymoon - and saved where they could - flowers, newer photographer, simple invitations, etc. And smaller # of guests.
When you’re feeding 200-300 people it’s hard to not rack up a big food bill!
@conmama have the wedding invitations gone out yet?
The trend now (I think) for the last couple of weddings we’ve been invited to is for multiple cards for the multiple events. And the people invited to the rehearsal dinner would get an insert that they are invited to that event and the online rsvp would be separate for each event.
If she’s doing an invite for just the wedding and the reception, which I think is more traditional then the parents of the groom would issue a separate invitation for just the rehearsal dinner.
I would ask the bride how she wants to proceed.
Unless the bride has told your son that she wants separate invitations. It sounds a bit murky.
It sounds like quite the wedding and will be gorgeous!
I am of the opinion that unless I am paying for the wedding (which we did for D and it wasn’t inexpensive), I don’t make judgements on how expensive/large/lavish, etc. a wedding is. I have been to many, many weddings and they varied in every way but were all lovely in their own way.
When I am invited, my job is to RSVP on time, show up (if able to) dressed appropriately, and be a polite guest.
As for larger weddings leading to quick divorces, anecdotally I can tell stories of this and stories of people with very small weddings also splitting. Again, not my business. I do wish everyone the best.
I think if you just do an oral invitation to the rehearsal dinner to ‘wedding party and out of town relatives’ you are going to get a lot more than 65 at the dinner. Every relative is going to show up - cousins, friends of cousins, etc. “Hey, I live 30 miles away, I’m a cousin…I’m invited!”
My sister is hosting the rehearsal dinner and made it very clear that it was JUST the wedding party, dates/spouses, the two sets of parents and the great aunt who is hosting the wedding. No aunts (like me!), uncles, cousins, special friends, etc as there are just too many. There might be a welcome party after that but she made it clear that’s up to the bride and groom or the bride’s parents as the estimated cost for drinks alone was over $5000 (and my sister goes to bed at 9 pm so she wasn’t interest in hosting a party she’d be sleeping through).
I’d really recommend some type of written rehearsal dinner invitation, either with the wedding RSVP or a separate invitation.
That was the list for the rehearsal dinner for my son.
One of our out of town relatives was very offended. Made a huge stink.
Since daughter’s wedding is a destination wedding, everyone is invited to all of the events. Some of the attendees are bringing their parents to watch their children, they are invited also except for the actual wedding. And that is because the venue has a hard number which they are up against.
LOL, that was also the rehearsal dinner list for my nephew’s wedding last year (minus the great aunt). Apparently the bride felt a big party type of thing would diminish the impact of the wedding the next day. My brother and SIL did host a “hearty hors d’ouevre” reception at the Courtyard by Marriott event room for out of town guests before the A list went out for the other meal. I thought, that sounds good, so made reservations for husband, son, and myself at a nice restaurant in town. We nibbled at the reception, said hi to everyone, then went out for a truly excellent Italian dinner.
And out of the goodness of my heart I asked my brother if he would like me to take candid photos at the B list reception (just with my phone). He was very appreciative and used a number of the pictures on his wedding weekend shared Google doc.
My nephew’s wedding (where only bridal party is invited to rehearsal) is black tie optional so very formal and expensive the next day. If they invited all the aunts and uncles, and OOT cousins, it would add about 25 people just on the groom’s side, and I know of at least 4 on the bride’s side (her father has one brother, wife and 2 sons, but I’m not sure about her mother’s side). Just too many people.
For my daughter getting married in Indiana in October, I have a feeling the rehearsal dinner will look a whole lot like the wedding guest list, just a lot more informal. They are getting married at a venue owned by his mother, so they have it for the whole weekend. I think we will probably have a taco bar and maybe a keg (it’s an outdoor place with an indoor room for eating and getting ready). Almost everyone is from out of town, including the entire wedding party, so why not just throw it open to everyone?
My niece rented a similar place for her wedding 10 years ago. It was a state park and she had the building that reminded me of a fire house with big doors that opened it up to the outdoors. It was in Wash State so of course the possibility of rain was high (and it did rain). The first night was just a big, informal cookout with dogs and kids and her crazy brother doing fire dancing. It was a lot of fun and didn’t cost very much.
As far as being hosts and paying for the rehearsal dinner …she nor her mother ever asked me if it was okay if they invited every single member of her extended family, for the reason below. Out of the 65-70 people that’s almost half. We gave a pot of money to them and said “here… use for whatever you want”. We’d imagine that will be enough for the rehearsal dinner, honeymoon and enough to cover our own guests dinner at the reception…,or you can divvy it up however you want and use some for a house down payment.
So they planned the rehearsal dinner without us or asking ANY input, but now somehow we are the “hosts”, with all its duties.
We are all different but I am personally in favor of the choice you made “here’s our contribution to your wedding/start of a marriage - use it as you see best to get the wedding you would like or to start your post-wedding life”. And then they make the choices for that $$ to stretch far or to splurge on a portion of the wedding/honeymoon/whatever.
I think it’s also ok to remember that while (IMO) we don’t have the right to stick our opinion of every detail of the wedding, when there are details that involve us - like you and your husband - you are allowed to say “I’m not comfortable with that” - so if you don’t want your name “attached” to the rehearsal as the hosts, it’s ok to say so! Brides/Grooms are not fragile all the time and while it’s their wedding, you should not have to feel uncomfortable for yourselves.
I look forward to hearing more about your son’s wedding! You already have a stunning dress that you shared - try to have fun along the way!!
and while it’s their wedding, you should not have to feel uncomfortable for yourselves.