It was so kind of you to pay for the family lodging for the first wedding. IMO, it doesn’t mean that needs to be provided for a second wedding - different circumstances! Would that make a difference in if other “close” family could attend? If they take care of their own lodging?
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For S’s wedding, we didn’t pay for anyone’s lodging and no one expected it. Our neighbor kindly offered to take in one person if they’d like to stay with them and one of my best friends accepted so was able to have free lodging. When we’ve attended weddings, it was always everyone pay for any lodging they needed.
S did make some sad that he was strictly NO kids, but folks honored it with one exception and the kids who attended were very well behaved.
I certainly understand why you would pay for lodging in a resort area that can be pricey. I’m not sure if those siblings could afford accommodations or if it was a nice thing to do.
That doesn’t mean you need to pay for lodging for a local to you wedding.
Your daughter can invite whoever she wants but I guess I would ask and point out that aunt and uncles are traditionally asked and were for the other daughter’s wedding. What is her fiance doing?
My daughter invited her cousins but her fiance did not. That was their choice. They both invited aunts and uncles, not a big family.
Usually I would say that the person doing the inviting should be the one giving the bad news, but I don’t see that happening in this instance.
Is it a question of paying for lodging or size of wedding guest list? Paying for out of towners for a prior wedding doesn’t make it mandatory for a current one. Also it sounded like you and your H paid that expense last time. Why does your D feel like she needs to foot the bill this time? Are you and your H unwilling this time? Not saying that you are obligated. What if your H’s siblings are invited and get the standard here are the places you can book hotel rooms message, with the expectation that coming will be on their dime?
If it is a question of who your D and FSIL want to invite, and they want a smaller wedding without extended family, I think most people will understand if they get that message and the list has obvious rules, like no uncles/aunts from either side invited. Large extended families with small weddings deal with this all the time.
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Agree. We did not pay for out of town guests’ accommodations (other than my parents) for our D’s wedding. We did recommend a nearby hotel (most, but not all out of town guests stayed there) where we provided transportation to/from the wedding venue and hosted brunch the next morning. FWIW we have always paid for our own hotel when attending a out of town affairs.
However, if the happy couple would like a more intimate wedding then best to be uprfront about it.
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Yes, our kids wanted a small (to us) wedding of just over 80 guests. They invited a bunch of their friends but did allow H to invite his friends that S knew. They nixed anyone who was just my friend. They invited all of my sibs and bride’s side close relatives & their kids, even allowed long time partners to attend. No one expected accommodations, even tho many flew in for wedding. The couple did host a welcome happy hour, where they paid for the significant appetizers and everyone bought their own drinks at rooftop hotel lounge where many where staying.
We also hosted a rehearsal lunch and after wedding brunch. It worked out pretty well and everyone the couple really wanted to attend showed up and seemed to have a great time.
Making it clear there is no right or wrong way re: what expenses you cover for others. I think it was so kind that @Bromfield2 first wedding guests didn’t have to worry about lodging in a spot where it was likely not plentiful.
Unless that is family tradition or something!
Each wedding can have its own rules/regs so to speak!
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Why does your daughter think she has to pay? It sounds like something else is going on where she doesn’t want them.
If daughter and fiance only want a wedding of 100 and she has 50 aunts, uncles and cousins, it probably wont work to have them (or she won’t be able to invite any friends).
My friend had this problem with her son. The venue would only hold 100. Both had friends and some relatives who had to be invited. That meant my friend could not invite ANY friends. There was a big discussion whether the groom’s sister could have a Plus 1 as she’s not married. The rehearsal dinner was even more restricted with only 35 allowed. An exception was made for the ring bearer, age 3, to sit at the end of a table.
But that’s where they wanted to get married and have the dinner. I think 2 uncles and spouses were invited but I know the groom’s parents have 6=7 siblings, and of course cousins. No, not invited…
But ask your daughter what she wants and explain it to the aunts and uncles now. My daughter just got married and two uncles (my brothers) weren’t invited because she didn’t want them there. Brother’s son was invited and came (her favorite cousin) but she didn’t want to invite his father because she doesn’t like him. Her wedding, her choice. And the cousin was happy because he didn’t have to deal with his father.
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i think I would suggest to daughter that paying for lodgings is not her job, so she should invite who she wants without that being a consideration. If I were Aunt, and find out (and they always find out) I wasn’t invited because bride made an assumption without my input, I would be very hurt.
Two separate issues, imho. Who do they want to include, THEN it is up to guests to navigate accomodations. It’s fine to say “oh, we aren’t able to pick up the tab for that this time, things have changed”
We did not pay for anyone’s stay except the MOB (wedding was in our town). That was to make sure she had a reservation.
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Is there room for the aunts/uncles in the venue (and the budget)? If yes, I would lean toward inviting them. One way to communicate that you will not be paying for lodging would be to get a block of rooms with a discount and include that info in invitation or on website. We did attend one wedding where I thought the cost on block of rooms was a little pricey, but it turns out they would have been another $200/night if we booked on our own.
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We paid for our siblings/families lodging when my older D got married. That wedding was in an area where it’s often not easy to get lodging during the summer season. We were able to find two houses that accommodated everyone who wanted to come.
Younger D is a worrier and I think she’s making this a bigger issue than it should be. H’s sisters dont think we should pay for their lodging for this wedding. Both of them can afford lodging at local hotels. I think the issue is that if H’s sisters from Ohio come, they won’t fly. One has never been on an airplane in her life (she’s 70) and the other is married to a guy who won’t spend money on a flight if he can drive. If both sisters drive from Ohio to MA (12 hour trip) they will want their adult children to do the driving. This increases the number of sibling guests from 4 people to 13 people. There’s a limit of 120 for the reception venue and D/FSIL would rather invite their friends.
D’s recent idea (actually her half-sister’s idea) was to have a party for all the Ohio relatives (in August after the May wedding) at half-sister’s house; she’s in a suburb of Cleveland and they’re in the Dayton area. I don’t know if that would offend them or not.
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I think this is easy, invite the aunts and uncles, inform them that their children aren’t invited due to space restrictions.
It’s their decision if they want to come, drive themselves or fly.
Lots of weddings, the cousins aren’t invited. Especially when there are many.
It’s so easy to overthink everything involved in wedding planning. Or be like my kid, don’t think about it because it’s too stressful, gives you anxiety. I promise that isn’t a good solution either.
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We drew a line in the sand so to speak. All aunts and uncles were invited. All great aunts and uncles were invited. All first cousins and spouses were invited. No children were invited and their parents (who came) were happy to have a night out.
We didn’t give any explanations…except to one cousin who wondered whether their kids were invited (no).
I say…let the couple invite whomever they want to invite, but they might want to think a little deeper than just their friends. My opinion.
ETA…we also didn’t have any plus ones.
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First step is to get D2 to get rid of any notion or guilt that she needs to foot the bill for any lodging.
Next guest list. They should start a list with “must have’s” and see what that number gets to. And you and your H and/or grooms parents should have the conversation of who/how many you can add to the list. And then see if you hit 120!
It’s difficult isn’t It…
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Maybe you could invite the aunts/uncles but make it clear that they are not expected if it is a hardship. (The issue about them wanting their adult children invited would be troublesome whether or not you pay for lodging.) Maybe there could be a Zoom event that includes distant family? One of my kids payed a little extra to arrange a Skype broadcast at the small wedding venue (max 25 people).
One possible snag here is that some folks consider invitation to unlikely attendees is a money grab. But I bet aunt/uncles would want to send a check or gift regardless.
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She found a dress!! Wooooo! MOB set up a Zoom room and I got to go to the appointments and be “there” for all the looking, and I didn’t put my foot in my mouth even once. S1 messaged me to say thank you for being there because it made the bride happy. 
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I absolutely would not get involved with details of guests/relatives transportation or any special accommodations other than what other guests get as far as hotel block/make reservation early to get hotel rate and also perhaps be near others attending the wedding – and would not invite anyone ‘extra’ to drive H’s sisters because they don’t want to fly or a spouse doesn’t want to pay for airline flight. Honestly, it probably is not about the money. Cannot please everyone, and some of the hardest to please it often bites one in the behind for trying. DD/SIL’s wedding was 100 miles from hometown but was in her city where she lived for 5 years - and they had a lot of friends there. We had very few friend invitations, but that was fine because it was their day. I had to do a lot before and after the wedding to accommodate elderly in-laws, and had to miss some of what I would have enjoyed being present for. However the following year, at nephew’s wedding, I stayed away from in-law drama and enjoyed myself much more fully. I had paid my dues and I am not a glutton for punishment.
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When S & DIL got married, it was destination for most of their friends and her family. They provided suggestions of some hotels and some attractions. They didn’t offer to pay anyone’s lodging and didn’t make twist themselves into knots trying to worry about all the details. People who wanted to come were happy to work things out for themselves. We did drive my BIL because he’s a great host when we visit him, but he stayed at a hotel and was happy there.
As long as info is clear as to what people are expected to pay and no one has expectations that lodging is covered and has enough time to make arrangements, it’s up to them to make a timely choice about whether to attend.
The wedding couple can make choices about their guest list based on their budget and their feelings, trying to take parents’ and other feelings in mind. There’s no way everyone can be pleased, and one just does the best they can.
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Our D had to confront the same issue. Both families have large extended families. The kids had a budget so they worked out a quota for both families of “free spots”. The venue though can accommodate around 50 more guests, so each family was allowed to exceed their quota but would need to pay a plate cost for each additional guest. This way no drama about one family having more guests and kids could stay within budget.
We just came back from the venue where we had a food and wine tasting. The kids chose to spend their budget on venue, food and drink:
Sampling and selecting the food and wine was a tough day at the office!
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