D1 and fiance sent out invitations for their April wedding. They have planned a smaller wedding (70-80) at an event space appropriate for that amount - not necessarily more.
Choosing this smaller route means you limit your invites. They have only the closest friends attending. No work friends. Limited family - not every cousin especially those they haven’t seen for years. Very limited little ones (really only the flower girl and one son of the maid of honor, I think).
Two people have reached out to inquire about additional invites. In one case, an invite was sent for “Mr. and Mrs” - the two people living in a household. They reached out “did that invite include their two sons (in their 30’s and who actually live in other cities than the parents!)???” Now these 2 sons ARE D1’s cousins - but it’s an out of the ordinary relationship and D only met these cousins once about 20 years ago!
In the other case, D1 invited a 2nd cousin (actually my cousin) and her husband. D1 had some travel in the past that helped her develop more of a relationship with this cousin. She is the ONLY extended family member being invited that is not a first cousin or H or I’s sibling. Invite said “Mr and Mrs”. She reached out yesterday and said "would it be ok if 23 year old son came too? And possibly 27 year old son who lives in another state far away from us? If he can get the time off? "
I can’t even. How AWKWARD to put the bride and groom in this situation of having to say no. It seems to be people are sort of banking that you won’t say no! Guess what? D is going to have to politely explain their limitations - and intentions (smaller, intimate wedding).
This is really emotionally hard on my daughter who is a full of emotions person. Luckiily her fiance is steady and a rule follower and setter - he is nicely giving her the wording to stave off those asking for more.
I remember getting an invite when our kids were young but not babies for an extended family members wedding out of town that did NOT invite our kids. We were a bit surprised but made the decision not to attend. We wished the couple well and sent a card and gift but STILL received some slack for not attending. This was our families decision.
Incredible. I guess your D can look at it from the point of view that some of her invitees want to share her event with others as a good thing, so a polite no with a reason should be fine for them. If they have a problem, then they are people whose opinion shouldn’t matter.
I recently attended a wedding of a son of a college roommate. The bride and groom both had large extended families, so my roommate was limited to 3 “personal” invites. He invited another roommate and a partner from his firm. Was talking to the bride’s mother at the rehearsal and she remarked that she only had 2 personal invites. All 4 parents were lawyers, so I guess they were all rule abiding!
I have a question- My D is in a wedding next weekend and her invitation included a +1 for her boyfriend. Wedding is out of state so they’ll be traveling. What’s the etiquette for inviting a bridal party member’s +1 to the rehearsal dinner?
D tried to ask the bride twice but got no response so she doesn’t want to ask again, and is trying to figure out if she needs to tell her boyfriend to make his own arrangements for dinner that night and figure out transportation as they’ll only have one car.
Many people have no manners or etiquette. Even to RSVP with a stamped/enclosed card. My parents had the resources to have a large wedding for DH and me, back in 1979. We invited all of DH’s first cousins, some who were living with their parents. Not only did many of these relatives not RSVP, they didn’t tell their adult children about the invite - when this cousin was recently in our area, I showed him wedding book and told him about the family invite - IDK if it was his mom/dad or both that just decided they didn’t want to come (wedding was only 1 hour from where they lived) - but to just ignore the invite. Since we didn’t have or need an exact count, we ‘guess-timated’ MIL’s family members (she was the youngest girl of 13). FIL’s brother and family, who did not RSVP, skipped the church (Catholic), but showed up at the dinner reception not only with all their 4 kids but their daughter’s fiance’ - they wanted to ‘come and see’…their gift was a card with $20.
Spouses or +1’s were all invited to the rehearsal dinner for son’s wedding. I think that is pretty standard? There were separate invitations for the rehearsal dinner.
That’s a little awkward! Is there another bridesmaid she could ask - or ask if they are bringing their +1?
D’s RSVP is personalized so that anyone invited to any of the events (rehearsal, wedding, day after brunch) has a screen come up to “RSVP” to those if they are actually invited. Did your D check to see if her RSVP had something like this…and if it stated “you and +1”??
There was no invitation for the rehearsal dinner. D and another bridesmaid have been talking and she doesn’t know if she should bring her boyfriend either. The other wedding party members are all single. I wish the bride would have just responded!
Our son’s rehearsal dinner was extremely informal (held in the church hall, before the rehearsal) and only included the bridal party, parents of the bride/groom, and all of those people’s SO. It seemed ungenerous to not include the SO’s – what else were they supposed to do away from home? We also had a late inclusion of bride’s family friends (3 adults) who had travelled literally halfway around the world and got to town basically when we were eating. She hadn’t seen them in years so of course they were encouraged to come so they had quality time together.
We had some family arriving that same afternoon, but they understood they weren’t invited and were fine with that. Had we invited family too, the grandparents would have felt compelled to get there and that would’ve only made their travels more complicated.
I agree with greenbutton. I think it’s rude not to include +1s at a rehearsal dinner, most especially if they have traveled together from out of town! My daughter’s rehearsal was late morning so we did a lunch instead, very casual. Nor formal invations, but we absolutely made sure the bridal party knew their significant other/dates were welcome to come.
Sounds like unfortunately they are going to have to ask the bride again. If only your daughter and one other bridesmaid have +1’s, their situation would be different than the other bridesmaids. Is this a very informal event? Surprised the bride does not seem to know who’s invited to the rehearsal dinner!
Thanks everyone. The bride has been very hands off. Rehearsal dinner is being held in an event room at a hotel near the church. Everything has been pretty low key so I would expect the same for the rehearsal. She just wants to know if she can bring her bf ; )
I think my daughter is finally getting to the realization that attendance at this destination wedding of hers is going to be not as robust as she thought.
Her friends and family were all excited when the wedding was just a concept, now that invitations are out and very very few are RSVPing, I think that what she might was known in her mind is now becoming a reality.
Add to it that there are multiple events that aren’t local for our family and in different months.
One of my husband’s relatives said yes to the only local to the wedding party wedding but said that they might come to the destination wedding if they could get a date before then. I think it’s a no from a relative who doesn’t like to commit.
But today I get all these texts that I need to get together with this relative and their children to see if they are coming. I told her that we weren’t going to do that. I’ll let them decide on their own. Besides it’s my husband’s relative, an undependable one at that.
And then she sent links for $1100 a night villas where we could all stay. Arghhhhh!
What about sending one more query to the effect, I’d like to bring BF along to the rehearsal dinner; if this won’t work, please advise so we can make alternate plans for his dinner/evening. Otherwise we both look forward to seeing you.
I’d even advise a daughter {and the other bridesmaid with a +1 ) to play dumb at this point. Our bf’s are +1 for the wedding, assuming that means that they’re included for the rehearsal dinner as well? Please advise. Put it on the bride to answer this. It doesn’t seem like a tough question.
I’ve told her over and over that not a lot of people will want to spend a lot of money to go to Indiana. It’s in a rural place so everyone will need a rental car, and now the ‘nice’ hotels (Hilton and drury) are coming in at a minimum of $250-350.
It’s her friends I think will be the most disappointing to her. I think many (none of who live anywhere near Indiana) will say they are coming but then not come. She’s been in 5 weddings so just assumes everyone will come to hers like she did to theirs, but some of these girls have moved on, have children and jobs and things to do that don’t allow them to spend $1500 for a weekend (more if they fly).
Her sister is becoming a lot better at saying NO to weddings because they are so expensive and there are so many of them. Sister is merely attending my nephew’s wedding in June (local!), but then is the MOH in one on Sept 15(Virginia Beach), then BF is in a wedding on sept 21 ( NJ), then BF’s brother is getting married on Sept 28 (St Augustine FL), and my daughter’s on Oct 19 in Indiana. They’ve said no to all other weddings in 2024. They’re trying to decide if they are even going to attend the weddings the other is in because it just costs too much. And they have dogs someone (ME) has to watch.
It’s been very frustrating because she wasn’t listening to me. I told her you can’t get mad because people can’t or won’t spent $1,000s of dollars and a week of vacation to come to your wedding to a hard to get to island.
And now they are getting very few yes. Go figure.
The local to only the wedding couple wedding, the hotels are now $400+ a night. Big event in the city that weekend. I got a bargain of $270 since I booked as soon as I had the date!
I think the beach wedding is $1100/night. The $400 is for somewhere on the mainland not near where anybody lives, or not where most people live anyway. I’m curious what the event is (and where both wedding are, actually). At one time my nephew was considering a destination wedding in Curacao, which was going to be only for immediate family, i.e. not even aunts. He ended up in Saratoga Springs, destination for everyone but a train ride for most of their friends and her family. I would rather have gone to Curacao; was already thinking about how I could crash it.
How AWKWARD to put the bride and groom in this situation of having to say no. It seems to be people are sort of banking that you won’t say no! Guess what? D is going to have to politely explain their limitations - and intentions (smaller, intimate wedding).
