When people are rude enough to ask about extra guests after receiving the carefully crafted wedding invitations…… Just Say No. (I suppose for locals you could consider calling them to fill a last minute cancellation, but that might cause equity concerns.)
Per rehearsal dinners, I can see why they sometimes have formal invitations (especially when including some of the out of town guests). That makes things clearer. For nephew’s rehearsal dinner, my husband and I received invitations. Our daughter dropped by ahead of time with us - we had drinks, and she had dinner (famous bbq place). Then she went off to meet our son and his fiance for a fun night out. It worked out well for everybody.
We are hosting son’s rehearsal dinner and welcome party in an out of town but very fun destination where bride is from. Like noted upthread there is an online RSVP and anyone invited to the rehearsal also has a +1.
Both DH and my families have had several destination weddings which we enjoy but my parents did not and were very vocal how silly and inconvenient they were. I hope I never sound like them!
This is a little of an aside…one of the most fun weddings we ever attended was in Galva Illinois. Anyone ever heard of that town? It was local to a sibling of the wedding couple and that was it. Everyone else had to travel, and there were no direct flights from anywhere. The wedding weekend was absolutely so much fun. The wedding couple had prepared wonderful lists of things to do on the days before and after the wedding. We flew there with an 11 month old baby, and it was didn’t matter.
These were very close friends, and we wouldn’t have missed this wedding for all the tea in China. This was way before the phrase “destination wedding” was even a thing.
S1 is about to get engaged, and wondered aloud if they should have a shortlist of wedding locations to discuss with the families (hers/ours) or just pick, themselves. S1 and SO live hundreds of miles from the nearest family and don’t want everyone to make such a long trip.
I said good grief, that’s asking for trouble. Pick a city that makes sense, and people will make it work or not. Can you imagine a committee of family choosing a location? Eeeep.
Our son’s wedding was local only to him and the wedding party and work cohort. All family on both sides had to travel. We told everyone on our side of the family that they needn’t feel any pressure to attend. We sent invites instead of just announcements because we wanted everyone to feel included, but we wanted all to clearly understand that no one expected anyone to travel and that DH and I would not be available for much more interaction than the reception. So, if they really wanted to experience Georgia in June, we’d love to see them. Otherwise, no hard feelings at all.
When S and DIL got engaged, we said we’d love to have wedding where she was born and grew up or when they lived or live now. They were adamant it would be in Honolulu and so it was. It was local to much of our extended family and most attended. It was destination wedding for many of their friends and her family. Everyone seems to have had a nice time and many made a vacation of the event.
Do they want any input? Are there certain people they really want to come to their wedding and that they’d be willing to change the date/location for so that that person could attend? (a grandmother? a brother in the military or grad school?) If not, they should just proceed and hope they can find a time and place that they like and is convenient for most guests.
My daughter and her BF had been saying that if they should ever get married, it would be on 10/3/25 (something to do with their first date) Now finally engaged but no specific plans for a wedding. His mom called them to say that her niece (BF’s cousin) is getting married on that date. What should she do? Should she tell them all D & BF are getting married that day? My D’s says nope, don’t do that because I’m not inviting all your family anyway! (I don’t think there are shared grandparents who could attend either wedding).
But are people really picking specific dates and locations 18 months out? And worrying that their cousin might pick the same date?
Any date (or place) the couple picks is going to be inconvenient for someone.
Dates in Honolulu seemed to be largely controlled by availability of the desired venue. Sometimes there are very few dates to choose among, especially if the couple wants a Saturday, as we did decades ago and S and DIL wanted.
I suspect many other places may have similar constraints.
My side of family is spread out, so almost any place would be a destination. We all show up for our nieces and nephews weddings, and that includes the cousins.
My kids have been in many weddings and their +1 were always invited to the rehearsal dinner.
I also agree that it is rude to ask the couple if they could bring extra guests. It seems a bit clueless of those people.
Agree. We got many phone calls and texts asking if a plus one could come, or if they could bring their children to the wedding. No in both cases, and we just politely said the only folks invited to attend were ON the invitation.
Same here. Family is all over the place. Thinking about it now, our own wedding was a destination even for US. We got married in the town where we met. Almost everyone had to travel and they did (small wedding…under 50 people and mostly family).
D1 (the one who is getting married) and I were talking this weekend after she was messaging with a cousin in France who had considered coming for D’s wedding but had work conflicts. We both agreed that while she’d love to have them there she would rather they come another time when she could actually spend time with them! How much time can you have for someone you don’t see often at a wedding? Even if you have a “night before” event, wedding and next morning brunch you will only have at most a few minutes here and there with the bride and groom - or even other family members.
Totally great if people come. Totally ok if they cannot or if it’s not the most reasonable choice!
There are very few weddings out of our local area - let’s say state - that H and I would take the time and expense to go to. That’s just us. We can support and stay in touch and have a relationship with a couple even if we are not present for their vows. Hate the phrase…but…YOU DO YOU!
I think S1’s fiancee-to-be is overly concerned about pleasing everyone with a short and easy drive – that simply isn’t possible. There are two grandmothers, neither of whom (imho) are likely to be able to travel. The bride’s siblings are spread out but are essential; parents have all said wherever you have it, we will come.
They met here in our city, but I sense they don’t want to be married here lest her family feel we are being favored. I am sure it will work itself out once they are officially engaged (they alreadyhave chosen the date?! the world is so different now…)
If a location central to everybody is not possible, it definitely helps to pick a place near a major airport.
I still roll my eyes about my Dad’s wife complaining about my nephew’s “destination wedding”. Methinks she was just repeating phrase heard by her friends when saying, “I’m not sure why young couples expect people to travel to a destination wedding”. LOL - the wedding was being held 2000 miles away from them, but it was in the town where bride/groom live. And bride’s parents and 3 sisters (all in the wedding). And all of the couple’s friends. Really there were just a few of us who needed to fly in for the happy event.
Lol, one of my college roommates got married somewhere in the middle of Kansas (put your finger in the middle and it is about there). The phone book was pretty much a pamphlet with maybe 20 last names. While Dorothy might have said, “we’re not in Kansas anymore,” being an East Coast boy, I wasn’t sure I was in the US anymore! It was a fun wedding though, especially our interactions with the locals in the town bar.
D got engaged last year. After a lot of discussion they settled on a destination wedding (it’s a destination for everyone except for a few extended family members) in December. Expensive to fly to and difficult to manage logistics. Thankfully, wedding planner seems very efficient!
Regarding the rehearsal dinner — we’re calling it a meet and greet — everyone in the wedding party is invited along with their plus 1.
We are paying for accommodation, transportation, other incidentals for all the people in their wedding party (12 + their partners) for 2 days before the wedding and 1 day after. We’re also paying for the wedding outfits for all the attendants. We wanted to do this as they’re paying for their very (!!!) expensive flight tickets. We are splitting wedding costs evenly between us and F’s parents and that has been a huge bonus. It also helps that we get along really well!
DD’19 is in the midst of figuring out location for June 2025. His hometown is about 6 hours away from us. They are currently living at grad school till December, then not sure of their next move though probably narrowed down to 2 areas.
They definitely do not want to get married in grad school city, can’t wait to leave it. They could get married here in DD’s hometown, but most travelers would have to go 30 minutes away to find a hotel room. His hometown is probably not going to be it. Their target areas for next move are away from there.
Their undergrad town is special to them, somewhat in the middle geographically, has hotels, and a reception venue that DD has a connection to. Great! But! They are set on a church wedding. Without being members of a church in that town or having a good connection to one, not sure they will be allowed to use a church. Hoping we can figure something out there.
